Please welcome herdaughter
 

My mother is an alcoholic, though to hear her say it, it's our fault she drinks. My grandfather (father's father) just died this week, and she refused to go to the funeral to offer familial support. Instead, she called repeatedly, asking my father why we hadn't put "that man" in the ground yet, what was taking us so "f-ing" long, and that if my father wouldn't hurry home, she'd "f" another man. She kept calling my grandmother's house. My uncle answered once and my mother left him in tears.

I don't understand.

I called her today to see how she was doing and we had a heated argument. I didn't disrespect her or raise my voice, but my heart was racing in my chest. If I didn't fear God, I would have loved do let her hear my anger and wrath. I chose to do my best to keep His commandment to honor my mother.

She hung up on me when I told her that none of the reasons she gave seemed relevant or legitimate in her deciding not to go to the funeral. I told her that she needs to try to stop making everyone else responsible for her drinking and take responsibility for the fact that what she wants, in truth, is just be alone and drink. That it's her choice.

She told me that i was the child. She was the parent. That I didn't know sh^t. Then she hung up on me.

I tried calling her back...but not to make anything "right." I wanted to tell her that I no longer desire to have a relationship with her. That I think any relationship with her would be damaging as long as she refuses treatment.

I feel I don't have a mother.

She never answered.

Reading your email, I think that it's best she didn't answer.

There's a gun in her house.

I prayed to God in faith that He would heal her.
I'm looking to Him.
I don't know what to do.
I'm often angry.

Welcome herdaughter.

My mother is not an alcoholic, but I have lost her anyway to a religion that tells her she cannot talk to me. I don't have a mother either. And that really hurts. Especially after all the hurtful things they put you through, and you kept trying to be the good daughter!

You are doing well to trust your higher power and leave your mom in His care. Now, take time to take care of you. I am glad you found us here. This site has been one of the best supports I have.

Read the stickies and post here with us. You will see that we have all had suffering, but are all trying to heal from our hurts. Welcome again.

Hi Honey,
I felt sad when I read your post because I relate to what you have said. Its hard sometimes when all you want is for them to try and understand. Unfortunately she will only see what she sees right now and the alcohol is making this worse.
Keep doing what you are doing, I found one thing that has helped me and that is to keep my distance right now and only call once in a while to say hi and let her know I love her. I have learnt that the alcoholic doesnt remember half of what is said anyway, so I dont get into any of the dramas or heated arguements anymore. I just hang up.
I wish you all the best.

Welcome herdaughter

I am so sorry for your pain. Alcoholism is a tragic and heart breaking condition that just doesn't consume the alcoholic... but can potentially destroy the lives of those closest to them. I am the grandaughter (my mother's mother), daughter (my father) and wife (husband-deceased) of an alcoholic. Please understand that you are really not dealing with your mother, but what alcohol addiction had transformed her into.

Please keep coming back to this forum and keep reading ...you will learn so much and feel you surrounded by people the understand what you are going through.

Welcome herdaughter......like you my mother was also an alcoholic and like you I wanted to keep that commandment. And you know how I did it???? I put 60 miles between us. And I only called her if I knew there was an emergency. It was hard indeed and now I am 51 and looking back on my life with her I know that that was all I could do. She passed away 2 yrs ago this month and I know she is in a better place......her pain is gone. Keep her in your prayers hunny and do what you must for YOU. And please remember the 3 C's ok.

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

Take Care and please keep posting here we all have been there and done that......you have a new home.

Janitw

Welcome HD!

You are NOT alone. We understand. Have you tried alanon??? Saves lives!

Hugs!!

dear daughter,

i am worried that you may be worried your mother will kill herself ("there's a gun in the house"). i am worried that if she has a bad accident or one day does take her own life, that you will struggle with wondering if you did enough or said the things you needed to say.

everyone here will tell you that love does not make an addict well. the longer addiction progresses, there is a hard thick wall around the addict. the disease protects itself by building this wall so the concerns of others can't penetrate.

what concerns me is your mention of the gun. if you are worried your mother may use it to commit suicide, you can ask a family member to remove it from the house. guns should never be in the homes of active addicts or anyone with major depression.

and you can always send her a card, now and then, to ease your mind that you have stayed connected as best you can. it is important you protect your fragile heart while at the same time you try to do what is obviously very important to you: honoring your mother.

i am sorry she has hurt you and so many others. i am sorry you do not have a mother who is there for you. you sound like a lovely girl. you can still live a beautiful life.

take good care of yourself. going to some al-anon meetings or seeing a counselor can help. do the best you can.

Herdaughter,

I am sorry that you are suffering. I will pray for your strength and patience and for your mother as well.

Like others here, I recommend you go to an al-anon meeting or even talk to someone in your church. Pull strength from wherever you can. Even here.

I am also sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

Take care of you.

Welcome HD,
I'm so glad you have found this site. I hope you stick around and read as much as you can. It will help you gain inner strength. I admire your resolve to keep calm with your mum. I don't believe anger is a productive emotion, but I hope you attend Al anon or speak to your church commumity about your feelings as it is only natural to feel hurt and rejected right now. My mother has not seen/spoken to her mum for over three years due to her abusive nature, but each day she still feels the pain that emptiness has caused her, a counsellor could help you no end with this.

Lots of love to you right now,

Lily xxxxxxxx

May as well call me her-son.
Reading your post reminded me of my own mother in so many ways.
What I found in life... don't tell them off but in a soft, quiet, controled voice...as you did... explain to them once and then if needed explain it a second time at another time(just so you know they hear it) but after that...actions without words.
I never had to tell my mother why I wasn't coming around or why she didn't see her granddaughter after she was born...she knew and no words were needed.
Just so happens that she sobered up before my daughter had reached 1 year old and was able to see her at that time.

My boundary was to keep my space at peace and if not visiting or talking with her because of her drinking would keep my space at peace...I did it, even if it means she doesn't see her granddaughter.

Just so happens that around the same time...I started seeking a sober life as well.
My holding my boundaries or those around me holding their boundaries... I know first hand they didn't make me seek a sober way of life or my mother seek either but I do know that the boundaries of others had me start to think of my own issues and problems and that is what had me seek a sober way of life. I would think the same for my mother as well.

As for honoring our parents... We can do that in many ways. No disrespect towards them and what I think is more of an honor but we gain from as well...
Be the best we can be.

Beautifully said.

Welcome, Herdaughter. :)