What a MESS!

Old 01-26-2008, 07:56 PM
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What a MESS!

Just after Thanksgiving, I noticed a change in my best friend's behavior and assumed I had done something wrong to upset him when I finally caught up with him in the parking lot by my office. This guy is as good as gold and when I asked him how his Thanksgiving went,..he stopped and said that his wife left him. She left a note and took the kids and left. She is an alcoholic and
my poor friend had been trying to deal with this for the past year. He finally refused to pick up anymore wine for her after work and it wasn't long after he put his foot down that he found himself out of his own house and without his children!!! He is still crushed and now he finds himself going through court appointed counselers and meetings where everything is slanted toward the mother. She is pure evil and has offered nothing in the way of remorse! She is absolutely poisoning the kids and the neighbors against him and he finds himself being shoved into a world of hell when he has done nothing wrong. He's defeated,..he's dejected,...depressed and still reeling from the intital event. He tried so hard to beg his wife to seek help and explain to her that divorce is not the answer to anything,..but she slams the phone down on him and won't even listen. He has documentation of her drinking from a few visits to a court appointed counselor and her "irreconcilable differences" are so amazing ridiculous..stating that he was too controlling and made the kids live by a budget and clean their rooms etc....that I cannot believe that these liberal courts will still side with her because she is the mother. It makes me sick!!! I'm struggling with this too and I hurt badly too. What can I do to help him win this custody battle which will be looming near??? These kids cannot last much longer in this sick environment!!!! He has three children 10, 13 and 17.
Just the fact that she is telling them to act certain ways toward their father is CRIMINAL!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-26-2008, 09:57 PM
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Concerned,

I'm so sorry you and your friend are involved in this.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do for your friend except to be there for him when he needs someone to talk to, a sounding board, just somebody sane to be with.

Hard as it is to face, this is not your affair. This is HIS relationship with the woman he is/was married to, HIS relationship with his children, and HIS relationship with the courts, and there is no intervention you can do that would be helpful.

But you can be his friend. That's what he seems to need the most of all right now. Someone whose presence will remind him that he's not crazy. That's what a lot of us here find we need.

Wishing him luck.

GL
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Old 01-27-2008, 03:42 AM
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Im not sure what the laws are where you live, but in Australia children 12 years and older have a say in where they want to be and live. It is a difficult situation but Im sure time will tell the outcome. It is unfortunate that some family situations are not good and children suffer. He will have to work it out with some good advice from a lawyer I think.
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Old 01-27-2008, 05:51 AM
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First off, it's none of your business and you might want to do some work on yourself to understand why you are so passionate about someone else's life.

Second, your description sounds very slanted. The reason why, in the past, custody was skewed towards women was because of the conservative, sexist notion that women were better suited to hearth and home and men were the sole breadwinners.

Also, you never know what's really going on behind closed doors. The story he's telling makes him sound totally innocent. That may or not be the case.

Last, it sounds like your friend needs a better lawyer.
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Old 01-27-2008, 02:39 PM
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Well,...I can assure you "WANTS OUT" that YES the laws are totally slanted in favor of the woman when it comes to divorce! I quite frankly don't give a hoot what political swing anyone hangs with,..all I know is the law should favor what and who is right..... man or woman! There are indeed some real scum bag men out there and many who have deserved any punishment handed to them, but that still doesn't justify what is going on here with divorce court and family law. To say that it makes up for the years of woman being on the unfair side of the law is..... well,....nothing short of ignorant. For me to say that there are no other biases in the courts that favor men or woman too is ignorant as well. I know it exists.

I don't think I need to do some work on myself because I care for a friend. My God,..what has this world come to when a guy cannot care for an old friend? I do not spend every waking moment wondering or pondering his next move in this situation, nor do I assume or pretend to know his "day to day" emotions and dealings with his wife. I have done my homework though and understand that this alcoholism is really rotten. It can change a person into a really evil person as it has in her case.

Now,...you all are correct in telling me to back off a bit though and realize that there isn't much I can do other than continue to be there as a sounding board and I will heed this advice. I will pray for the children because they are the ones who suffer the most in all of this and I think we can all agree on this.

I also think that regardless of my stance on this, besides his wife desperately needing help,...my friend will and should get some counseling too perhaps in a church group or group of spouses of alcolohics.
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Old 01-27-2008, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Concerned4Bud View Post

I also think that regardless of my stance on this, besides his wife desperately needing help,...my friend will and should get some counseling too perhaps in a church group or group of spouses of alcolohics.
I absolutely agree --- IF he asks for your help, helping him to locate this sort of support system for himself would certainly fall under the category of 'being a good friend'. Your friend is a grown man, and if he wants your help he will ask for it.

If he does not ask for your help, and you feel yourself jones-ing to load your weapons and charge in there to "save him" from this "evil" situation, then (said kindly) you would want to go back and reexamine your role in this, especially if you have romantic or rescuing feelings about this person. WantsOut is correct in that you cannot know the entire story. And believe me, most of us here know full well how dreadful alcoholic behavior can be, so....

Good luck with everything
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Old 01-27-2008, 02:57 PM
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al-anon....for you both.

are you in love with this man?
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Old 01-27-2008, 03:13 PM
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Ha! No,..no!!!! Please!!!! I'm a very happily married man!!! Hmmm,..I never thought I was too close to this,..but maybe I am. I just talk to him every so often and try to listen to what he has got to say at that time......I just wanted to be sure that there isn't anymore a friend is supposed to do. Sounds like you all agree I have done perhaps too much listening...... OK then!!!
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Old 01-27-2008, 06:48 PM
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I asked because your post was so passionate, and felt like you were emotionally attached to him.

The best thing we can do for those in this situation is love them ( and yes, a MAN can love another man!) with listening to them vent, gently nudging them to therapy or a 12 step support, and offering to spend time with them to help relieve the isolation and lonliness.

Good luck...hope he comes to al-anon soon!
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Old 01-27-2008, 07:35 PM
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Oh, no, concerned. I don't think it's possible to do too much listening.

I can imagine that he hasn't been listened to very much in recent years.....given what you've told us about his situation.

We're all experienced with that "fixing" mode of thinking there is some easy solution for him to get through this if only he/we do X, Y, or Z.......sounds like this is a lot more complicated than that, unfortunately.

Just be his friend, let him talk, offer suggestions if he seems to be looking for them.

And pray, if that's something you do. Tough stuff, this. Hoping he comes through this and can some day look back on it with a shrug and a "lesson learned."
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