he left
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 26
he left
he left this morning. Me AH of 5 years just left this morning. He said this is not what he wants. I am not what he wants.
After the HELL he has put me through HE left.
I have never felt pain or anger like this before. My heart is breaking.
After the HELL he has put me through HE left.
I have never felt pain or anger like this before. My heart is breaking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
luv, I am so sorry for your pain. Please take sometime for you.. breathe slowly and repeat.
I am new here and those who have walked befor me will be here to show support as well. Keep posting, share and let everyone help you.
is he still active in his drinking - if so.. the statement above rings true.. he is helping you .. it may not look like it right now but take things one day at a time
((((hugs to you))))
shakarris
I am new here and those who have walked befor me will be here to show support as well. Keep posting, share and let everyone help you.
is he still active in his drinking - if so.. the statement above rings true.. he is helping you .. it may not look like it right now but take things one day at a time
((((hugs to you))))
shakarris
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by luvmyfam 
he left this morning. Me AH of 5 years just left this morning. He said this is not what he wants. I am not what he wants.
After the HELL he has put me through HE left.
I have never felt pain or anger like this before. My heart is breaking.
After the HELL he has put me through HE left.
I have never felt pain or anger like this before. My heart is breaking.
I pray that you find some solace in your spiritual source right now and that you know you and your family will be taken care of. Let us all care for you right now. :ghug3
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
The day my husband left and the weeks months after nearly killed me I will not lie to ya. What got me thru? This place, I posted alot. I reached out to my friends and family, started allanon. It is a long road for us as well. We could use all the help we can. At the time mine, well he was still drinking. He got worse after he left. I moved on, I had to. Please reach out, make phone calls and keep busy.
Kermmie
Kermmie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((luvmyfam))) I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. My exH did the same thing (we were married 27y/2 children at home at the time). To tell the truth,I think I went numb at the time and started coming here. It helped so much.
I still have my moments but they are getting shorter because I know I have lived through them before and know they will come (AND GO) again. Sometimes it is really one minute at a time. Dealing with each moment as it comes has helped me. Much that I project and worry about is a waste of my (little) energy.
Be good to yourself.
He is a sick man;sometimes not being a ringside seat to that really is best.
I still have my moments but they are getting shorter because I know I have lived through them before and know they will come (AND GO) again. Sometimes it is really one minute at a time. Dealing with each moment as it comes has helped me. Much that I project and worry about is a waste of my (little) energy.
Be good to yourself.
He is a sick man;sometimes not being a ringside seat to that really is best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry you are hurting but it will pass. So will the anger. And then you will come to see he has done a wonderful thing for you. Good luck to you moving forward without the wieght of your AH around your neck.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
luvmyfam, I'm so sorry that you are in pain. I know your heart must hurt so much, but you are going to be ok in the long run. Perhaps in time you'll even feel like you're better off.
You are not alone in your pain. There are people out here in the ether that are sending you warmth, love, and prayers.
You are not alone in your pain. There are people out here in the ether that are sending you warmth, love, and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
During a time when my Ahusband turned his back on his family for the first time in his life ..rejecting us after many years of living with his alcoholic chaos . Like you, l felt more anger and hatred towards my husband than I had ever felt in my life .... but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. With all the intense frustration I was feeling ... and taking my anger out on a poor innocent pillow that had never done anything to me except to cradle my head when I tried in vain to sleep that night - I finally realized it would be impossible for me to sleep at all . The pain and anger from his heartless rejection was too unbearable for me to even think straight, let alone sleep ... IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT I KNEW I HAD TO DO SOMETHING ...so I went online and had the good fortune to come across this forum.
While reading the stories of others like myself .... and finally understanding I had not been living the man I had married - but someone dramatically transformed by a deadly and powerful addiction.
When I started reading all the stories, I was able to start putting the missing pieces of this puzzle together ...I finally began to understand what was going on with my husband's strange behavior ... I learned that he had relapsed again, that he was filled with self hatred, living in denial of what the real problem was, he chose to justify his relapse by blaming everyone around him for his problems just so he would not have to face the truth and stop drinking .... and he had finally decided it was too much work to stay sober in the evening when he was around the family. He pulled away from us as he descended into the next phase ... becoming a 24/7 alcoholic in which there was no room anyone else.
Once I understood how addiction could transform a family's dynamics, the anger and pain began to subside .. I realized I wasn't dealing with a rational person and stopped expecting him to behave normally. Alcohol addiction was more powerful than I had ever realized ... and I learned at that point I was powerless in stopping it ...all I could do was concentrate on my kids and myself and try to bring as much serenity and peace to our home as possible .. and hope, for his sake, someday the person I married would find the sanity and sobriety that had continually eluded him. Unfortunately, he was never able to find it.
While reading the stories of others like myself .... and finally understanding I had not been living the man I had married - but someone dramatically transformed by a deadly and powerful addiction.
When I started reading all the stories, I was able to start putting the missing pieces of this puzzle together ...I finally began to understand what was going on with my husband's strange behavior ... I learned that he had relapsed again, that he was filled with self hatred, living in denial of what the real problem was, he chose to justify his relapse by blaming everyone around him for his problems just so he would not have to face the truth and stop drinking .... and he had finally decided it was too much work to stay sober in the evening when he was around the family. He pulled away from us as he descended into the next phase ... becoming a 24/7 alcoholic in which there was no room anyone else.
Once I understood how addiction could transform a family's dynamics, the anger and pain began to subside .. I realized I wasn't dealing with a rational person and stopped expecting him to behave normally. Alcohol addiction was more powerful than I had ever realized ... and I learned at that point I was powerless in stopping it ...all I could do was concentrate on my kids and myself and try to bring as much serenity and peace to our home as possible .. and hope, for his sake, someday the person I married would find the sanity and sobriety that had continually eluded him. Unfortunately, he was never able to find it.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Every ending brings about a new beginning. If I had a crystal ball back in 2004 when I first joined the forum, I would have been able to see that ending my relationship with my boyfriend of 25 years was the best thing that happened to me in years. But alas, there was no crystal ball in sight and for a long time it just hurt like hell.
I had to move through the darkness to get to the light. The pain subsided a long time ago, and life on the other side is beautiful. One day soon, you'll see. Until then, I'll be cheering you on.
I had to move through the darkness to get to the light. The pain subsided a long time ago, and life on the other side is beautiful. One day soon, you'll see. Until then, I'll be cheering you on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: cleveland,OH
Posts: 28
luvmyfam, I am sorry for your pain, but like everybody else said in the long run you are the winner. I am married to my AH 15yrs, and making some hard choices about our life together. I don't see him changing anytime soon, and it is ripping our marriage and his son apart. Sometimes I wish he would leave and it would be over. I have stayed home with my son since he was born he is 9 now, I need to get a job first, but I can't see wasting anymore of my life with somebody who loves the bottle more than his wife and child. You will make it through this. Keep praying for answers they will come.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
active addicts need power and they often find it by walking out on someone who loves them. it is a tragic situation. it feeds an addict's need to feel powerful inside a life in which he is completely without power, under the control of a drug, and has lost his freedom completely. "you are not enough" is so often heard by the spouses and mates of addicts it could be engraved somewhere. somewhere dark and awful.
your name reminds me that you deeply need a family to love. and for 5 years, perhaps he was that for you.
a very good book to read, if you don't have it, is "getting them sober." the author describes in very familiar detail what addicts do and say when they walk out, puffed up. and what they often say when they want to come back. (the chances are good yours will. before that time, it will be very important for you to get some form of help so you will be ready to make the choices you truly want to make. they are yours alone, and no one has any right to judge whatever you choose).
these events do not always end unhappily. they sometimes evolve into recovery, for both husband and wife. it is important to remember this. it is important to know that no one knows how this will turn out for you.
read, attend meetings if you can, perhaps get counseling if you can afford it. addicts often come back, after a period of days, weeks, or months. if that happens to you, how you respond could have an impact on whether he finds recovery. the book i suggested will help you understand this.
you have been traumatized and you will be in a traumatic state for a while. between the episodes of crying, please try to read about addiction and please try to get some support.
i am always the optimist. i read the posts on the substance abuse board to remind myself addicts do suffer and they also do recover. but you have to recover, too. it is time for you to do that, as you move through the days ahead.
do take care. your story is unfolding, and you will need a clear head. much love to you, and sympathy for your hurting. the addict numbs his pain. we have to feel ours.
your name reminds me that you deeply need a family to love. and for 5 years, perhaps he was that for you.
a very good book to read, if you don't have it, is "getting them sober." the author describes in very familiar detail what addicts do and say when they walk out, puffed up. and what they often say when they want to come back. (the chances are good yours will. before that time, it will be very important for you to get some form of help so you will be ready to make the choices you truly want to make. they are yours alone, and no one has any right to judge whatever you choose).
these events do not always end unhappily. they sometimes evolve into recovery, for both husband and wife. it is important to remember this. it is important to know that no one knows how this will turn out for you.
read, attend meetings if you can, perhaps get counseling if you can afford it. addicts often come back, after a period of days, weeks, or months. if that happens to you, how you respond could have an impact on whether he finds recovery. the book i suggested will help you understand this.
you have been traumatized and you will be in a traumatic state for a while. between the episodes of crying, please try to read about addiction and please try to get some support.
i am always the optimist. i read the posts on the substance abuse board to remind myself addicts do suffer and they also do recover. but you have to recover, too. it is time for you to do that, as you move through the days ahead.
do take care. your story is unfolding, and you will need a clear head. much love to you, and sympathy for your hurting. the addict numbs his pain. we have to feel ours.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
((((luvmyfam))))
I am soo sorry you are hurting. Please try to remember that no matter what he said when he left, or the reasons he gave you, you did not deserve the treatment you got and that you are a valuable person that deserves alot more that you have been getting.
Probably many emotions will flow through you as time passes. Try to hold your head high and know that you did the best you could.
Sending a warm hug to you.
I am soo sorry you are hurting. Please try to remember that no matter what he said when he left, or the reasons he gave you, you did not deserve the treatment you got and that you are a valuable person that deserves alot more that you have been getting.
Probably many emotions will flow through you as time passes. Try to hold your head high and know that you did the best you could.
Sending a warm hug to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
One of rhe rehabs my AH was in had family days once a week. We all sat together addicts and loved ones and talked. The therapist that sat in on our discussions said to the addicts "If you go back out there and relapse again please let your loved ones go" I always thought that was a awesome statement. At the time it frightened me I didn't want him to leave but as time went on and he did relapse I knew I couldn't go on his journey with him any longer. I needed to save myself and the children. It took another year for me to go. I was with him 24 years it was very hard. In the end you could say maybe he is trying to save you more heartache. I wanted a family my husband wanted to drink. God Bless.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
Man, it hurts that even HE didn't want you, huh?
He has every right to decide his own path, as do you have the right to decide yours. That they are not compatible is no reflection on either one of you. It is what it is. Question is, what do you do now?
I hope you are getting support through this, whether in al-anon or counselling/therapy. And don't forget, we are always here.
He has every right to decide his own path, as do you have the right to decide yours. That they are not compatible is no reflection on either one of you. It is what it is. Question is, what do you do now?
I hope you are getting support through this, whether in al-anon or counselling/therapy. And don't forget, we are always here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Sweetie he has probably done you a great bib favor by leaving.......it spared you the pain of having to eventually leave him one day not to mention a ton of bills and who knows how many std's. I know that your heart is broken right now but believe us when we tell how lucky you are. Mine left me and his kids 8 times......I should have never let him back in the door after the first time he left.....hang in there ok.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
((((((luvmyfam))))))
All of the above and more. Mine also left me- 5 months ago. I am trying to see it as a gift. When he left I didn't think that- but just 5 months later and I realize I could never go back to that chaos. My life is more peaceful, but I am still very sad, hurt, angry. . . all of it at various times- but also sometimes happy. I'm also beginning to hope that my life will be ok- In fact I know I can thrive without him. It's just hard getting through the rawness right now that I know I HAVE to go through. You cannot do it alone. Reach out to friends, family, us, with a therapist, in al-anon, in a journal. . . I hope to one day be truly grateful for where I am right now. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. It's damn hard, but it can be done. We have a lot of strong people here who have been through this. Take care. . .
All of the above and more. Mine also left me- 5 months ago. I am trying to see it as a gift. When he left I didn't think that- but just 5 months later and I realize I could never go back to that chaos. My life is more peaceful, but I am still very sad, hurt, angry. . . all of it at various times- but also sometimes happy. I'm also beginning to hope that my life will be ok- In fact I know I can thrive without him. It's just hard getting through the rawness right now that I know I HAVE to go through. You cannot do it alone. Reach out to friends, family, us, with a therapist, in al-anon, in a journal. . . I hope to one day be truly grateful for where I am right now. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. It's damn hard, but it can be done. We have a lot of strong people here who have been through this. Take care. . .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((luvmyfam))) You will get through this. I have been there. Today I am happier than I have been in years - life with AH was not all misery, we had some wonderful times. Being away from the chaos, though, has shown me, in time, that I was living half a life, no matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise.
Don't isolate.
Don't isolate.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
(((luvmyfam)))
Sorry you are hurting so much. So many of us here have been through the pain of having the alcoholic finally make the choice instead of us - a lot of the time it blind-sides us. Take care of yourself and give yourself safety, compassion, plenty of rest and time to heal.
Sorry you are hurting so much. So many of us here have been through the pain of having the alcoholic finally make the choice instead of us - a lot of the time it blind-sides us. Take care of yourself and give yourself safety, compassion, plenty of rest and time to heal.
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