hbb

I have come to grips (almost) that i need to forgive in my head only to move on because i will never hear from him and you are EXACTLY correct, him appologizing wouldnt change a damn thing. I even talked to my threrapist and she said she the same thing. She doesn't think it will make a bit of difference and i do agree in the long run. Wish we weren't connected in ANY way though, think that would make it easier...

denny57

Then disconnect. Think of yourself as a credit card company and him as one of the millions of customers who used your service. As long as the payments are on time, you have nothing to worry about. If and when the payments stop, take him to small claims, just like the credit card companies do. Live life and stop worrying if that one customer is going to make their payments. That is their problem.

You have the power to de-personalize it.

hbb

Denny, thats a great way to put it. I was talking to my parents, they told me to move on, IF he should default deal with it then as i have a court paper if he does. I tell myself that i could be wasting the next few years worrying about something that may never happen.

Guess if it wer me, and the other way around i would be finding another way or someone else to take this on other than me....this is when i should really look into why i care ONE OUNCE about someone who can care so little and disrespect someone so badly ... i would be sick if i knew i owed my exgf $10,000 still and my current gf is pregnant whom i would bet my life knows nothing about this connection......twisted.....

hbb

God, i'd love to move forward and think i am at a freeken snails pace!!! As for the bifocals .... doesn't your stomach hurt getting used to them, i remember with my glasses i was ill for days lol!!

hbb

Believe me when i say my brain HURTS from this. It's harder this time and i was with him a fraction of the other ex. Never thought that working through sobriety would he leave me....

hbb

Thanks for the balloons, maybe if enough people give them to me i will fly away with them!!!

As for sobriety, i know no one is bound to me what so ever, i just thought that he wanted help and was sober for the first time in 16 years and thought there may be a good future together from that point, but apparently his ex said the right thing at some TRUSTING (me trusting him) moment while we were together and like a puppy he ran to her.....karma will do for me, j/k

karmakoma

Been pondering this thread over the last little while. I think it might tap into some unresolved issues of my own.

There's a couple of techniques that have been suggested to me that you might like to try.

1. Writing a letter to him. Then burn it.

2. The Empty Chair. Put a chair in front of you, imagine he is sitting in it, then say whatever it is you needed to say to his face.

Might be worth a try. Let me know how you get on.

p.s. Denny is right - the financial stuff can be impersonalised. If you want to.

hbb

Those are some great ideas, thank you. I thought about the letter and not sending it. An empty chair is an excellent idea. I'm still crushed, the last bit of news of him having a child with his ex did it for me. I'm not worse today but i'm not progressing as i thought i would be now. I see the dr. tomorrow at lunch so maybe she can give me some ideas.

Lately we have been talking about body image with her and i think that has ALOT to do with my being so hard on myself and being down. Like if i was thinner he would have stayed mentality....i know it's not that but that's where my brain is at.

LaTeeDa

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, play the tape all the way through. So imagine you were thinner and he did stay--then what?

If I get caught up in obsessive thinking, I'm not thinking all the way through to the end. If I let those obsessive thoughts play through all the way, they show themselves for what they really are. Magical thinking. Don't press the pause button when he stays or apologizes, or whatever it is you find yourself wishing for......keep going, see how it turns out.

L

hbb

I believe i would have a bit more self confidence and wouldn't have been with someone like him and all the red flags. I AUTOMATICALLY assume that someone isn't interested in me due to looks.....i know it's wrong and that's why i'm trying to work hard on these issues. Looking back, i would have completely settled right or wrong to be that "all American family". Deep down, i don't want him back and you are right, if he apologized what would that prove. It would clear his conscience for sure and i would most likely read into it the wrong way and then have something else to COMPLAIN about So i agree to end my story once and for all the way i want. See, when he left i just assumed it was his way and his decisions and his way of doing things. I am now seeing that when he called a few days later I had the choice to call him back and i didn't for MYSELF. I knew it was un-fixable at that point so i decided from that moment on to move forward and did believe, even though i was crushed that i did indeed deserve better for my life even if that meant being by myself, which was less stress and havoc.

I'm a moron, i know it, i know he's not right for me and we have nothing to share together other than deeper debt if we would have continued. I just really lately feel alone, all my friends and family are settled down and i do realize it's not always cracked up to be but it bums me out. A mini pity party this week if you will. The other night i peeked on Match.com!!! Not so bad, still not ready within myself though!! Hoping by early summer to have my $hit together once and for all.

I truly do appreciate you all holding my hand ESPECIALLY this long. I know we've beaten a dead horse here but it TRULY is comforting to know that you are all still here for me even though it's taking me eons to grasp this recovery process. I truly thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.

LaTeeDa

I guess that's why your story and your feelings get to me so much. I am that girl who settled. I thought I had the "all American family." Now I'm in my mid-forties and starting over again. I have scars and children with scars. I am so happy that you didn't go down the road I went down. But, you are still in danger of taking that road if you don't come to grips with your all-too-common yet misguided beliefs.

Please don't call yourself names. You are not a moron. You are a product of a dysfunctional society. You have now the opportunity to make healthy choices while you are still relatively young. You have been given a gift. Please accept it and embrace it. Your life awaits! And it is not some Gap commercial or Norman Rockwell painting. It is unique and exceptional. It is yours and yours alone. What will it be? Who knows. The adventure is in the journey!

L

hbb

I look at several of my own friends that thought they were going to have that "picture perfect" family and are now divorced or living in seperate rooms because of their children. My friend once told me years ago, because it seemed i was the last to marry, that ANYONE can be married for the sake of being married.

For so long i didn't feel i deserved better and sometimes sway back to that thinking. But i know for me, that being single and healthy is way better than being with someone not capable or getting help to get healthier. I can't help but think that shortly they will be becoming a "family" themselves and that kills me. I would love nothing more than to have a family. I know i should be thanking God that i'm not the pregnant one with him as he is in a very bad place emotionally, physically and financially to be a father.

I went at lunch to my appt. which went well, made it though dry eyed We were talking about getting to the point that anything regarding him AT ALL won't matter and i'll just shrug my shoulders and say who cares! I'm getting there slowly. I love Denny's idea of thinking about the money as a credit card company and keep refering to that thinking.

p.s. J's mom personally emailed me today, i haven't responded and not sure i will but coming into work and reading that really surprised me. Guess she misses me, i miss her too but what is the point in keeping in touch at this point. I don't want to respond and come across that everything is picture perfect in my life but i'll be damned if i show i'm pining over her son!!

splendra

You know ((((hb))) I have seen several couples in my day who would probably not qualify as beautiful to some. But they are happy together and they love one another with all their hearts and they are very beautiful in the love that they share.

I know too many women that would qualify as physically beautiful to some and they are miserable as hell with the drug addicted/alcoholics the are with. I envy the first couple more that the latter cause they have something real and lasting.

How a person looks has very little to do with what kind of relationship they have with others. It has to do with what is inside of them. Love yourself and stop calling yourself ugly names...

Zak68

=) You make it sound like HBB has dated quite a bit.


Hbb I am on the verge of seeking a divorce here. Over the last 4 years I have known about my AW stuggles I asked myself over and over how she could do this if she truly loved me. I came to realize it was never about her love for me it was her disease clouding her judgement.

Since July I have contemplated divorce and one thing or another has held me back. Now I know what must be done and it will happen soon enough. Will I miss having her there next to me in bed at night? Yes. Will I miss that smiled I grew to love over 15 years? Yes. Will my heart ache? Yes.

I know I am in for emotional pain but through this pain I will be healed. I will no longer have to deal with her being drunk around the kids. I won't have to deal with her mood swings when she drinks. I won't have to worry about the safety of my children when I am not home.

It is hard to give your heart to someone and not leave a part of it behind. I just know that my future will be brighter without her in the picture.

Keep in mind he is the one that lost a good thing when he lost you. Look for someone that will treat you like you deserve to be treated and move on.

carolineb

hbb~

Please don't take this as being flip. I am on this forum because I finally realized xbf was an A about 2 weeks ago. I have experienced every emotion in the book and I am an emotional rollercoaster.

Bottom line...this is a breakup and it just takes time. The alcoholism component makes it a bit messier....but I am educating myself and learning to detach.

I have looked at many of your posts. I know you are hurting. If you can seek professional therapy, please get it. Don't let your life be dragged down by this. I'm sure you are healing...but at some point you need to stop feeding it energy. It is what it is and it's done. Life has another plan for you and you'll never be open to it if you remain stuck.

As best you can....let it go. I know you're trying. I know it's not easy. But, if I'm still posting on here in 6 months about xabf....someone needs to detach my arms and beat me with the bloody stumps.

Be free.........love yourself. This man is living rent free in your head. Kick him out.

denny57

Why does he have to be the bad guy in order to move on? When I let go of this way of thinking, my life improved greatly. I left the victim mode behind and it has changed my world.

That doesn't mean HBB is not a "good thing." Just because the relationship did not work out doesn't mean the other person is lacking. It took me a good while to get to this thinking. All I know is it works for me.

hbb

Although i do agree with you Denny, i don't think i agree with it necessarily in this situation. IMO someone that can disrespect someone by cheat and lie to them IS the bad guy.....whether male or female. I would agree with you if he came to me and said "i want to break up blah blah blah" and didn't take it that one step further than i totally agree. I absolutely know there's no cut and dry break up but i gotta believe at 34 you know that's completely unacceptable behavior. I can move on and let go by forgiving him for myself and only me to get past the anger and resentment

denny57

All I'm saying Heather, is while I was wringing my hands over the "bad" guy who dumped me AFTER 18 YEARS I got nowhere. He was off doing his thing and I was wasting energy on what - getting 1,001 people to verify he was a bad guy and I had been done wrong?

So I'll be #1002 and tell you - yeah, he's a creep for what he did. Now what?

hbb

I understand, while he's doing what he's doing, i'm wasting my own time speculating and being upset at him still. That makes sense. It's frustrating but for whatever reason today i feel great. I thought back to yesterday's appt. with my therapist and i was in a great mood, laughing with her and didn't have much negative to say. It was the first time i went into the appt. with wondering what we would talk about, i had a drama free week for the most part. So we just talked about me and work

I found a quote yesterday and loved it:

"Sometimes it's best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."

hbb

Thank you for your post and kind words, but i don't think you can put a timeline on feelings and recovery......I know it's been a while for me now but i do believe everyone is different. I agree about the free rent in my head though!!!!