Need your wisdom so that I may help another.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 6
Need your wisdom so that I may help another.
This is a transplant from the new-comer forum. I am new here and I did not realize that there was a corner for family and friends.
Hello to all.
I have spent the last few hours here, on the SR forums, reading about the horrors brought by addiction. I have registered about a year ago but it is not until today that I decided to finally post. This reason will be explained later.
I certainly feel the pain that so many go through but I feel it from a different “angle”. The reason I am posting here is my wife. My only real experience with alcoholism is through my uncle (20 years sober, devoted AA member), and reading about it on the internet. I think that I am posting here as much to get help and ideas, as much as a deep need to “get it off of my chest” as I really cannot speak of this to any friends or family to protect her “privacy”. If you are still reading thank you. This will be a long one.
In the following statements I will try to be as honest as I can to accurately illustrate my point.
I do not want to make my wife out to be the bad guy, because I like to have a drink myself, but how I drink and she drinks is very different:
-I drink once, sometimes twice per week. Only on weekends.
-She drinks 4-5 times per week(that I know of and can see, for all I know on days she “does not” drink, she has a few right before bed). This happens on Weekdays or weekends.
-If I do drink it is to a certain point and then I stop to “enjoy” the buzz and stay up late on weekends watching TV, movies, spend time with friends, play video games etc. All the activities I usually enjoy, either with or without alcohol. I use wine or beer (which I enjoy the taste of) to enhance what I do for fun.
-She drinks to the point of unconsciousness and noticeable memory loss. The next day she cannot remember things we spoke about, or things she did. Essentially she drinks so heavy that she passes out on the couch (sometimes at 3 PM if she is off, meaning she started drinking at noon or earlier while I was at work) and then does not get up until very late(8-10 PM) to eat something and go back to sleep. I find this very disturbing to spend a day drunk on the couch. Not a pleasant thing to see after a long day at work.
-When I drink, people tell me that I am silly and engaging. Never combative or mean. (I write about other people’s experience of me because I do not wish to project myself, after all, once one drinks the self-critical thinking skills go out the window).
-When she drinks every little thing becomes a huge deal and suddenly I become a bad guy, no matter what the subject is. The smallest thing escalates and becomes a point of contention for days to come. I honestly believe that when she drinks she becomes paranoid about things and is convinced that everyone is out to get her.
-I am the same person all the time. Sure I have bad days at work or some jerk ticked me off by cutting me off on the highway, but I can always be counted on to react to problems and situation on the same way.
-I really have two wives. The one I married and the one who comes out when she drinks. One has interests and a life, the other lives in oblivion, drunk and distant, sleeping on the couch or bed for 16 hours out of the day. And when she wakes up she looks like someone beat her up. Circles under her eyes, neck and face red, noticeable equilibrium problems. Just looks “not with it”.
I knew about her drinking before we were married. She always used to say that “she does so much better” when I am around. And it did seem to work for awhile. But he beast was just waiting to come out. At this point it is so habitual and pathological that I see our marriage slowly crumbling down since I am no longer the one she loves as much as she loves booze.
To her credit she has never missed work, not in about 10 years because of drinking. She tried AA back in the day and it was not for her. She went to a doctor and went on Anabuse (spelling?). She drank once while on Anabuse, gave everyone quite a scare and made up a story about bad seafood. Suddenly she stopped taking it and that was it for any kind of help. I should have known then that this will come back but I was much younger and more optimistic then.
She drank throughout the years but somehow controlled it, within reasonable levels.
The last year has been a noticeable decline in control of frequency and amount. Especially the amount. When I try to speak to her she is so out of it that she fights to keep her eyes open and says things that don’t really make sense. I am getting desperate because soon she will be off of work for months (not a bad thing, just some internal restructuring at work) and I can already see where this is going. With all that time off she will have no reason to even try to control herself. I can feel the storm coming.
So I write to you, people who have/are on her side of the story, what am I to do? I can’t really speak to her because she gets so defensive that suddenly the conversation about her, becomes a conversation about me. First things out of her mouth is “you drink too so leave me alone”, yes, self admittedly I do drink, but that has never been and issue to anyone, or myself. That is one of the reasons why I have written about how I drink and how she drinks. I have gone for weeks without a drop and I am totally fine, don’t even think about it whereas she can’t seem to do a few days.(even after a serious surgery I smelled vodka on her breath while she was recovering at home) As a side note she stopped smoking then, after the surgery. Few months later and she smokes again, I am convinced that she was sneaking it from day one. I stopped smoking 5 years ago, cold turkey after about 10 years. Took the pain, gained 20 pounds, paid my dues and never went back. Obviously she cannot and it pains me.
So if talking to her is out, what am I to do? Will she have to hit “rock bottom”? Loose her job? Loose life savings? Loose me?
If anyone has any ideas please let me know because the next few months will be tough for her and me. At this point I KNOW that things will only get worse. Exponentially every month now is worse. As it is it cannot continue.
Desperate and seeking your advice while wishing you strength in your fight.
Namuh
Hello to all.
I have spent the last few hours here, on the SR forums, reading about the horrors brought by addiction. I have registered about a year ago but it is not until today that I decided to finally post. This reason will be explained later.
I certainly feel the pain that so many go through but I feel it from a different “angle”. The reason I am posting here is my wife. My only real experience with alcoholism is through my uncle (20 years sober, devoted AA member), and reading about it on the internet. I think that I am posting here as much to get help and ideas, as much as a deep need to “get it off of my chest” as I really cannot speak of this to any friends or family to protect her “privacy”. If you are still reading thank you. This will be a long one.
In the following statements I will try to be as honest as I can to accurately illustrate my point.
I do not want to make my wife out to be the bad guy, because I like to have a drink myself, but how I drink and she drinks is very different:
-I drink once, sometimes twice per week. Only on weekends.
-She drinks 4-5 times per week(that I know of and can see, for all I know on days she “does not” drink, she has a few right before bed). This happens on Weekdays or weekends.
-If I do drink it is to a certain point and then I stop to “enjoy” the buzz and stay up late on weekends watching TV, movies, spend time with friends, play video games etc. All the activities I usually enjoy, either with or without alcohol. I use wine or beer (which I enjoy the taste of) to enhance what I do for fun.
-She drinks to the point of unconsciousness and noticeable memory loss. The next day she cannot remember things we spoke about, or things she did. Essentially she drinks so heavy that she passes out on the couch (sometimes at 3 PM if she is off, meaning she started drinking at noon or earlier while I was at work) and then does not get up until very late(8-10 PM) to eat something and go back to sleep. I find this very disturbing to spend a day drunk on the couch. Not a pleasant thing to see after a long day at work.
-When I drink, people tell me that I am silly and engaging. Never combative or mean. (I write about other people’s experience of me because I do not wish to project myself, after all, once one drinks the self-critical thinking skills go out the window).
-When she drinks every little thing becomes a huge deal and suddenly I become a bad guy, no matter what the subject is. The smallest thing escalates and becomes a point of contention for days to come. I honestly believe that when she drinks she becomes paranoid about things and is convinced that everyone is out to get her.
-I am the same person all the time. Sure I have bad days at work or some jerk ticked me off by cutting me off on the highway, but I can always be counted on to react to problems and situation on the same way.
-I really have two wives. The one I married and the one who comes out when she drinks. One has interests and a life, the other lives in oblivion, drunk and distant, sleeping on the couch or bed for 16 hours out of the day. And when she wakes up she looks like someone beat her up. Circles under her eyes, neck and face red, noticeable equilibrium problems. Just looks “not with it”.
I knew about her drinking before we were married. She always used to say that “she does so much better” when I am around. And it did seem to work for awhile. But he beast was just waiting to come out. At this point it is so habitual and pathological that I see our marriage slowly crumbling down since I am no longer the one she loves as much as she loves booze.
To her credit she has never missed work, not in about 10 years because of drinking. She tried AA back in the day and it was not for her. She went to a doctor and went on Anabuse (spelling?). She drank once while on Anabuse, gave everyone quite a scare and made up a story about bad seafood. Suddenly she stopped taking it and that was it for any kind of help. I should have known then that this will come back but I was much younger and more optimistic then.
She drank throughout the years but somehow controlled it, within reasonable levels.
The last year has been a noticeable decline in control of frequency and amount. Especially the amount. When I try to speak to her she is so out of it that she fights to keep her eyes open and says things that don’t really make sense. I am getting desperate because soon she will be off of work for months (not a bad thing, just some internal restructuring at work) and I can already see where this is going. With all that time off she will have no reason to even try to control herself. I can feel the storm coming.
So I write to you, people who have/are on her side of the story, what am I to do? I can’t really speak to her because she gets so defensive that suddenly the conversation about her, becomes a conversation about me. First things out of her mouth is “you drink too so leave me alone”, yes, self admittedly I do drink, but that has never been and issue to anyone, or myself. That is one of the reasons why I have written about how I drink and how she drinks. I have gone for weeks without a drop and I am totally fine, don’t even think about it whereas she can’t seem to do a few days.(even after a serious surgery I smelled vodka on her breath while she was recovering at home) As a side note she stopped smoking then, after the surgery. Few months later and she smokes again, I am convinced that she was sneaking it from day one. I stopped smoking 5 years ago, cold turkey after about 10 years. Took the pain, gained 20 pounds, paid my dues and never went back. Obviously she cannot and it pains me.
So if talking to her is out, what am I to do? Will she have to hit “rock bottom”? Loose her job? Loose life savings? Loose me?
If anyone has any ideas please let me know because the next few months will be tough for her and me. At this point I KNOW that things will only get worse. Exponentially every month now is worse. As it is it cannot continue.
Desperate and seeking your advice while wishing you strength in your fight.
Namuh
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Namuh - Thanks for sharing your story. I don't understand how or why some people loose control with alcohol and become addicts. I, too, had to examine my own drinking habits and try to decern "normal" vs "problem" drinking. The problem drinker in my life also used that to try to defend their actions -- "So what if I'm drunk -- you've been drunk, too!!" Yes I have been drunk; but in my gut I knew it wasn't the same.
If anyone has any ideas please let me know because the next few months will be tough for her and me. At this point I KNOW that things will only get worse Keep reading, keep posting, try Alanon -- learn how to detach and set boundaries. Easy to say, hard to do!! For me, just knowing that others understand and can relate helps me know that I am not crazy. So -- if it helps -- I understand, and you are not crazy!
Take care of yourself!
If anyone has any ideas please let me know because the next few months will be tough for her and me. At this point I KNOW that things will only get worse Keep reading, keep posting, try Alanon -- learn how to detach and set boundaries. Easy to say, hard to do!! For me, just knowing that others understand and can relate helps me know that I am not crazy. So -- if it helps -- I understand, and you are not crazy!
Take care of yourself!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hi Numah and welcome to SR. So sorry for what you are going through. My exabf (ex alcoholic boyfriend) was the alcoholic in my life. Looking back, i wouldn't have tried to save him as only he can do that.
Remember the three "C's":
You can't control it
You can't cure it and
You didn't cause it
I would suggest finding Al Anon for YOU. Only your wife can help herself and has to be willing to seek help for HER. You can certainly be supportive, caring and loving but it's all upto her. Read the stickies at the top of this forum, it will help greatly. And keep reading and posting, others will be along to share and help. Hang in there, your at the right place
Remember the three "C's":
You can't control it
You can't cure it and
You didn't cause it
I would suggest finding Al Anon for YOU. Only your wife can help herself and has to be willing to seek help for HER. You can certainly be supportive, caring and loving but it's all upto her. Read the stickies at the top of this forum, it will help greatly. And keep reading and posting, others will be along to share and help. Hang in there, your at the right place
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
This is a tough one. I think I did all the wrong things, I lied for my xah, I covered up everything, I wish I would have done things differently, I'm glad you fornd us and I know you will get great advice here. I have said this before and I will say it again here, a Man once told me that once he ignored his wifes drinking and made it a point to just keep living around her, like go to the movies ahng out with friends ect.. not let her drinking stop his life, she soon figured out everyone around me is living and I'm die'n here amongst them. I believe she has been sober now for close to 20yrs. He works Allanon, she works AA. Find out what works best for you and stop worring about the Storm. It is going to hit anyway, just stay on the outer edges of it... I wish I had
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Namuh 
I think that I am posting here as much to get help and ideas, as much as a deep need to “get it off of my chest” as I really cannot speak of this to any friends or family to protect her “privacy”.
Originally Posted by Namuh
She tried AA back in the day and it was not for her. She went to a doctor and went on Anabuse (spelling?). She drank once while on Anabuse, gave everyone quite a scare and made up a story about bad seafood. Suddenly she stopped taking it and that was it for any kind of help.
Originally Posted by Namuh
I am getting desperate because soon she will be off of work for months (not a bad thing, just some internal restructuring at work) and I can already see where this is going. With all that time off she will have no reason to even try to control herself. I can feel the storm coming.
So if talking to her is out, what am I to do? Will she have to hit “rock bottom”? Loose her job? Loose life savings? Loose me?
If anyone has any ideas please let me know because the next few months will be tough for her and me. At this point I KNOW that things will only get worse. Exponentially every month now is worse. As it is it cannot continue.
Desperate and seeking your advice while wishing you strength in your fight.
Namuh[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Namuh
I think that I am posting here as much to get help and ideas, as much as a deep need to “get it off of my chest” as I really cannot speak of this to any friends or family to protect her “privacy”.
Originally Posted by Namuh
She tried AA back in the day and it was not for her. She went to a doctor and went on Anabuse (spelling?). She drank once while on Anabuse, gave everyone quite a scare and made up a story about bad seafood. Suddenly she stopped taking it and that was it for any kind of help.
Originally Posted by Namuh
I am getting desperate because soon she will be off of work for months (not a bad thing, just some internal restructuring at work) and I can already see where this is going. With all that time off she will have no reason to even try to control herself. I can feel the storm coming.
Originally Posted by Namuh
So if talking to her is out, what am I to do? Will she have to hit “rock bottom”? Loose her job? Loose life savings? Loose me?... As it is it cannot continue.
P.S. I have no idea what happened in the message above, or why part of it posted twice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
I would recommend reading "Under the Influence." I say this because of the whole "I do ______; She does ______" construction of the original post.
This book helped me understand alcoholism in a way that wasn't personal, if that makes sense. It really helped me see the thing objectively, and take myself out of it entirely.
Hope that helps!
This book helped me understand alcoholism in a way that wasn't personal, if that makes sense. It really helped me see the thing objectively, and take myself out of it entirely.
Hope that helps!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
WELCOME ABOARD NAMUH
I would strongly advise (YOU) go to both AA and ALAnon meetings, hit both as often as possible. I hear some strong defense in your post. And I think both programs would help you greatly. If they fit GREAT, If they don't OH WELL. To do nothing will resolve nothing.
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW
I would strongly advise (YOU) go to both AA and ALAnon meetings, hit both as often as possible. I hear some strong defense in your post. And I think both programs would help you greatly. If they fit GREAT, If they don't OH WELL. To do nothing will resolve nothing.
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW
Last edited by geees poncho; 01-23-2008 at 01:35 PM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Dear Namuh
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are in such a disturbing situation with your wife's drinking. I can relate to your feelings of concern, anxiety and confusion.
What helps me in dealing with situations such as this, especially when I am intimately involved with the person, is to arm myself with information and seek fresh perspectives and support.
That book, "Under the Influence" is very good to educate you on the progresssion of the alcoholism. Another book I like is Melody beattie's "Codependent No More".
This forum is an interactive support site and by just coming and reading, writing and learning from others, you may find some of the support you really need.
Nobody but the alcoholic him/herself can diagnose their disease, so I cannot say if your wife is an alcoholic although there are plenty of indications that her drinking is a problem for you. There are new ways of responding to her drinking that might help you find more peace of mind in your life, and you might consider going to some Al-Anon meetings to get the help you need.
As far as wondering how much must the active alcoholic have to lose before he/she will want to stop, wondering about this is fairly crazymaking on a person. Its a heartbreaking illness.
We care about you. Please take good care of yourself.
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are in such a disturbing situation with your wife's drinking. I can relate to your feelings of concern, anxiety and confusion.
What helps me in dealing with situations such as this, especially when I am intimately involved with the person, is to arm myself with information and seek fresh perspectives and support.
That book, "Under the Influence" is very good to educate you on the progresssion of the alcoholism. Another book I like is Melody beattie's "Codependent No More".
This forum is an interactive support site and by just coming and reading, writing and learning from others, you may find some of the support you really need.
Nobody but the alcoholic him/herself can diagnose their disease, so I cannot say if your wife is an alcoholic although there are plenty of indications that her drinking is a problem for you. There are new ways of responding to her drinking that might help you find more peace of mind in your life, and you might consider going to some Al-Anon meetings to get the help you need.
As far as wondering how much must the active alcoholic have to lose before he/she will want to stop, wondering about this is fairly crazymaking on a person. Its a heartbreaking illness.
We care about you. Please take good care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 6
Thank you very much every one of you who has answered my original post.
I can definitely see a pattern in your answers to my problem. Learn more, do not try to control what you can’t and let my wife figure out what SHE has to do, support but do not enable. I guess it will be my burden to watch her fall deeper and deeper.
I am willing to stick with it and be supportive for a long time, but I too have my limits. Sometimes it feels like I am living by myself with a statue of a woman who cannot speak or interact with me. I start to question my commitment when night after night the woman I married is not really there. It seems I am always there for her when she needs me, but she is not there for me when I need her because she is too far gone. I will try to see a support group to help me deal with the recent revelations.
As a side note is there a difference between AA and Al-Anon?
Again I thank you for your responses, I have learned a lot.
I can definitely see a pattern in your answers to my problem. Learn more, do not try to control what you can’t and let my wife figure out what SHE has to do, support but do not enable. I guess it will be my burden to watch her fall deeper and deeper.
I am willing to stick with it and be supportive for a long time, but I too have my limits. Sometimes it feels like I am living by myself with a statue of a woman who cannot speak or interact with me. I start to question my commitment when night after night the woman I married is not really there. It seems I am always there for her when she needs me, but she is not there for me when I need her because she is too far gone. I will try to see a support group to help me deal with the recent revelations.
As a side note is there a difference between AA and Al-Anon?
Again I thank you for your responses, I have learned a lot.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Namuh))))
AA is for the alcoholic, Al-anon is for the loved ones of an alcoholic. The al-anon will help YOU tremendously to get your focus back on you. AA is also recommended because it often helps families to hear the alcoholics version of life. I've heard of many family members going to open meetings of AA (which means anyone can attend..closed meetings are for alcholics only) and realizing that the A (alcoholic/addict) really does want to stop. Also, many have heard the A say the only reason they stopped was because they hit bottom when others no longer enabled them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
AA is for the alcoholic, Al-anon is for the loved ones of an alcoholic. The al-anon will help YOU tremendously to get your focus back on you. AA is also recommended because it often helps families to hear the alcoholics version of life. I've heard of many family members going to open meetings of AA (which means anyone can attend..closed meetings are for alcholics only) and realizing that the A (alcoholic/addict) really does want to stop. Also, many have heard the A say the only reason they stopped was because they hit bottom when others no longer enabled them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
namuh,
i will share my experience - my son was court ordered to an *intensive outpatient program* because he recieved a dui and then an illegal consumption charge when he was 16 - we decided then that we would not have alcohol in the house (it was a rule of probation also) - for me not having alcohol in the house wasn't a problem - for my husband it was...
my husband had been a functioning alcoholic for a while i suppose but it was never a problem - he never passed out - never missed work - never became abusive - he was pretty much in control except for 1 or 2 times a year - like being at an f1 race and needing a ride home - it wasn't until he tried to hide it that it became a problem for him or us as a family (we have been married 21 years and together 25 with 4 kids) - after my son went through treatment and i started going to alanon and parent support group meetings i realized i couldn't live with my husband and his drinking - he would hide little bottles of bourbon and pretend he wasn't drinking - it was infuriating to watch his decline and know how good it could be...
i let him know that and we started going to counseling - i didn't want to live with him if he was going to continue to drink - i didn't want to fight with him anymore - but i didn't want a divorce either so we agreed to go to counseling to learn how to communicate better and see what happened...
in the past year i have put the focus on me =- being a better person - going to the gym - taking time for myself for al anon meetings and whatever else i need - my husband has not been drinking for a long time but has really strated to *embrace* recovery for a couple of months now - life is really, really good - i know that isn't the case for some but that's what it is for me...
and it all started getting really good when i decided about a year ago to work on me - working on myself and realizing that i TRULY, really and truly, had absolutely NO control over anyone but myself and my reaction to the situation - and realizing what i was and wasn't willing to put up with in my life - you will figure that out too...
godspeed,
s
i will share my experience - my son was court ordered to an *intensive outpatient program* because he recieved a dui and then an illegal consumption charge when he was 16 - we decided then that we would not have alcohol in the house (it was a rule of probation also) - for me not having alcohol in the house wasn't a problem - for my husband it was...
my husband had been a functioning alcoholic for a while i suppose but it was never a problem - he never passed out - never missed work - never became abusive - he was pretty much in control except for 1 or 2 times a year - like being at an f1 race and needing a ride home - it wasn't until he tried to hide it that it became a problem for him or us as a family (we have been married 21 years and together 25 with 4 kids) - after my son went through treatment and i started going to alanon and parent support group meetings i realized i couldn't live with my husband and his drinking - he would hide little bottles of bourbon and pretend he wasn't drinking - it was infuriating to watch his decline and know how good it could be...
i let him know that and we started going to counseling - i didn't want to live with him if he was going to continue to drink - i didn't want to fight with him anymore - but i didn't want a divorce either so we agreed to go to counseling to learn how to communicate better and see what happened...
in the past year i have put the focus on me =- being a better person - going to the gym - taking time for myself for al anon meetings and whatever else i need - my husband has not been drinking for a long time but has really strated to *embrace* recovery for a couple of months now - life is really, really good - i know that isn't the case for some but that's what it is for me...
and it all started getting really good when i decided about a year ago to work on me - working on myself and realizing that i TRULY, really and truly, had absolutely NO control over anyone but myself and my reaction to the situation - and realizing what i was and wasn't willing to put up with in my life - you will figure that out too...
godspeed,
s
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Namuh welcome to SR, my only advice to you is to get yourself strong. You will decide if you want to continue with the rollercoaster ride or if you want to get off, we are all here to help you whatever the decision you make.
I learnt to ignore my xab when he was drunk, and trained myself to shut down and walk away dont take what they tell you to heart. my xab was a nasty peice of work, when drunk i was called "bitch" and "babes" when sober. It gets to you eventually that's why it's so important for you to get strong. Its very difficult loving Jekyll and Hyde. Keep posting and please read all you can about this diseace. Take care
Mairxx
I learnt to ignore my xab when he was drunk, and trained myself to shut down and walk away dont take what they tell you to heart. my xab was a nasty peice of work, when drunk i was called "bitch" and "babes" when sober. It gets to you eventually that's why it's so important for you to get strong. Its very difficult loving Jekyll and Hyde. Keep posting and please read all you can about this diseace. Take care
Mairxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Namuh, welcome to the boards. I read your story and it sounds very familiar to my own (I have a thread, living with functional alcoholic). I see many of the same issues with your wife that I see in my own.
When I first found out about her problem I quit drinking. I used to drink 4-6 a week and the parties we would go to I would find myself getting a good buzz on but nothing I felt was out of control. When I found out I stopped buying the beer for around the house and only drink at parties with our friends. I wanted to help get the alcohol out of the house to help her ween away from it. Didn't work, she switched from drinking lots of beer to drinking lots of vodka.
I tried to hide her problem from our friends and her family. Told friends she was tired or on medication that made her sleepy. As to the family when her problem finally got bad enough and I told them they said they already new and thought I knew about it too. Gee, how nice not to say anything to the husband about the problem you knew about all along. =)
She also has never missed a day of work and even when she is completely tanked at night she gets up, puts make-up over the dark patches and plugs away to work.
The problem I have with my AW (alcoholic wife) is what little time we have together as a family 3/4 the time she is tanked. I work a second job and most of the time when I get home she is tanked and there alone with the kids. It boils my blood to think she is the responsible adult there and in no shape to take care of our children.
For years I took the heat from her. Our marriage stresses me so I drink. You tick me off so I drink. Money is tight so I drink. Every excuse under the planet and she never once realized she is the problem.
Like someone else mentioned I too decided it was time to do better for me and stop wasting my energy enabling her. I started running, quit smoking, focused on my kids and my career. I tell our friends about her problem and warn them should I not be home to be careful should their kids come over to play and she is the only adult around. I stopped lying for her and making excuses for her.
Her healing needs to start with her realizing where fault lies. Nothing you can say or do will ever be good enough. I too pushed my wife to AA and it wasn't good enough, the people couldn't relate to her problems. Pushed her to a faith based group and they too had problems. Everything I tried she had an excuse for and it maddened me to no end so I just stopped trying.
Spring of 2007 we were at my brothers in St. Louis at a party. I was so proud of her for drinking water or pop all night then later on she walks right up to me while I was talking to a friend with a beer in her hand. Next day she said she just wanted to see what I would say. How childish was that? She told me she didn't trust me to help her as I just want to leave her. I told her she gave me that out and I stayed because I believed in her and wanted to help. When she told me that it broke my heart and I just stopped caring.
My marriage will most likely end soon in divorce. I have a life to lead and it doesn't include dealing with her being drunk and providing a bad influence for our children. I hope yours doesn't come to that but keep in mind. You come first. You can help if she truly wants to get better but it has to be her decision or it will never work.
When I first found out about her problem I quit drinking. I used to drink 4-6 a week and the parties we would go to I would find myself getting a good buzz on but nothing I felt was out of control. When I found out I stopped buying the beer for around the house and only drink at parties with our friends. I wanted to help get the alcohol out of the house to help her ween away from it. Didn't work, she switched from drinking lots of beer to drinking lots of vodka.
I tried to hide her problem from our friends and her family. Told friends she was tired or on medication that made her sleepy. As to the family when her problem finally got bad enough and I told them they said they already new and thought I knew about it too. Gee, how nice not to say anything to the husband about the problem you knew about all along. =)
She also has never missed a day of work and even when she is completely tanked at night she gets up, puts make-up over the dark patches and plugs away to work.
The problem I have with my AW (alcoholic wife) is what little time we have together as a family 3/4 the time she is tanked. I work a second job and most of the time when I get home she is tanked and there alone with the kids. It boils my blood to think she is the responsible adult there and in no shape to take care of our children.
For years I took the heat from her. Our marriage stresses me so I drink. You tick me off so I drink. Money is tight so I drink. Every excuse under the planet and she never once realized she is the problem.
Like someone else mentioned I too decided it was time to do better for me and stop wasting my energy enabling her. I started running, quit smoking, focused on my kids and my career. I tell our friends about her problem and warn them should I not be home to be careful should their kids come over to play and she is the only adult around. I stopped lying for her and making excuses for her.
Her healing needs to start with her realizing where fault lies. Nothing you can say or do will ever be good enough. I too pushed my wife to AA and it wasn't good enough, the people couldn't relate to her problems. Pushed her to a faith based group and they too had problems. Everything I tried she had an excuse for and it maddened me to no end so I just stopped trying.
Spring of 2007 we were at my brothers in St. Louis at a party. I was so proud of her for drinking water or pop all night then later on she walks right up to me while I was talking to a friend with a beer in her hand. Next day she said she just wanted to see what I would say. How childish was that? She told me she didn't trust me to help her as I just want to leave her. I told her she gave me that out and I stayed because I believed in her and wanted to help. When she told me that it broke my heart and I just stopped caring.
My marriage will most likely end soon in divorce. I have a life to lead and it doesn't include dealing with her being drunk and providing a bad influence for our children. I hope yours doesn't come to that but keep in mind. You come first. You can help if she truly wants to get better but it has to be her decision or it will never work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 6
Again thank you everyone for your insightful responses.
The one that really hit home was the one by Zak68, because our situations are so similar, with the exception that in my case children are not involved.
It seems that when you are in a predicament like this you feel that your own situation is unique and you are all alone in the world. After reading Zak68’s original post I realize that I was very wrong. In fact his is more difficult because of the children.
I really hate to see all that hard work put into this relationship be for nothing, but then I am not choosing this path. It seems the path is choosing me, as I am starting to realize that there is nothing I can do. It is all up to my wife. I know she struggles, I know that she is in pain, I know that she wants to stop. But how can she stop if she is not even willing to admit that there is a problem. Last time I tried to speak with her response was: “What do you want from me? I go to work, I don’t hang out in bars, I do my part of the house work. You like to go to the gym and play your silly computer games and I like to have a drink sometimes(to her it seems like she drinks only sometimes, but you have to be outside of the bubble to know how often sometimes really is), besides you drink too so leave me alone.”
Aside from the obvious health risks, I just hate to see her fall deeper and deeper. Last night she went to bed at 7PM. I asked a question about something. She actually woke up and said a few words. Slurred words. I knew what that meant. Yesterday was Thursday, so since last Saturday this is day number 4, and then tomorrow weekend comes. I know what that means.
I have never been a victim, I never allowed myself to be one. This is probably as close as I will ever come to feeling like one. I am powerless and a woman I love is killing herself right in front of my eyes. Guilt, anger, frustration, uncertainty. Every time I do something fun and I try to enjoy my life, there is the thought of my wife lost and out of it, drunk out of her mind. Seems we are no longer partners in life. She is cheating on me not with another man but rather with a bottle alcohol.
I think eventually my self-preservation mechanism will kick in and I will start to distance myself emotionally. Perhaps it is already happening? Truth is that the moment I can say that it has started, it will be the beginning of the end.
Zak68, strength to you friend. I wish you strength hoping that I will gather up mine and soon will see the path I must follow.
The one that really hit home was the one by Zak68, because our situations are so similar, with the exception that in my case children are not involved.
It seems that when you are in a predicament like this you feel that your own situation is unique and you are all alone in the world. After reading Zak68’s original post I realize that I was very wrong. In fact his is more difficult because of the children.
I really hate to see all that hard work put into this relationship be for nothing, but then I am not choosing this path. It seems the path is choosing me, as I am starting to realize that there is nothing I can do. It is all up to my wife. I know she struggles, I know that she is in pain, I know that she wants to stop. But how can she stop if she is not even willing to admit that there is a problem. Last time I tried to speak with her response was: “What do you want from me? I go to work, I don’t hang out in bars, I do my part of the house work. You like to go to the gym and play your silly computer games and I like to have a drink sometimes(to her it seems like she drinks only sometimes, but you have to be outside of the bubble to know how often sometimes really is), besides you drink too so leave me alone.”
Aside from the obvious health risks, I just hate to see her fall deeper and deeper. Last night she went to bed at 7PM. I asked a question about something. She actually woke up and said a few words. Slurred words. I knew what that meant. Yesterday was Thursday, so since last Saturday this is day number 4, and then tomorrow weekend comes. I know what that means.
I have never been a victim, I never allowed myself to be one. This is probably as close as I will ever come to feeling like one. I am powerless and a woman I love is killing herself right in front of my eyes. Guilt, anger, frustration, uncertainty. Every time I do something fun and I try to enjoy my life, there is the thought of my wife lost and out of it, drunk out of her mind. Seems we are no longer partners in life. She is cheating on me not with another man but rather with a bottle alcohol.
I think eventually my self-preservation mechanism will kick in and I will start to distance myself emotionally. Perhaps it is already happening? Truth is that the moment I can say that it has started, it will be the beginning of the end.
Zak68, strength to you friend. I wish you strength hoping that I will gather up mine and soon will see the path I must follow.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Originally Posted by Namuh
Last time I tried to speak with her response was: “What do you want from me? I go to work, I don’t hang out in bars, I do my part of the house work. You like to go to the gym and play your silly computer games and I like to have a drink sometimes(to her it seems like she drinks only sometimes, but you have to be outside of the bubble to know how often sometimes really is), besides you drink too so leave me alone.”
I remember once in the past after one of our discussions she said she managed to quit for a month and I never noticed. I replied that she started back up and never sought my help. How am I to know she was sober for a month if my history with her was all her hiding it from me and sneaking it when I was away. Did she ever share in her success so I could hold her up high? Once again, she put the blame on me when the finger should have been turned back to herself.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Namuh, welcome. I am so glad you have found us. I do not have a lot to add since everybody has said such good things. It is my husband that is the alcoholic. (I recently left him) I did have so many similar feelings about:
Sometimes it feels like I am living by myself with a statue of a woman who cannot speak or interact with me. I start to question my commitment when night after night the woman I married is not really there. It seems I am always there for her when she needs me, but she is not there for me when I need her because she is too far gone.
In my life, I had an extreme medical emergency, and I actually could not rouse him as he fell asleep drunk in the chair. I needed him to tell me how to get to the hospital since we had just moved. He told me to leave him alone and to ***k off! I ended up driving myself to the hospital and then being told that I could have blacked out due to loss of blood etc. Things turned out ok in the end, and as you can see, I lived! But, the hurt of his not being there was one of the issues that finally got me to work on me.
I am glad you found us. I tell everybody that the people here have been a pillar in my support network that I could not do without. They have all helped me beyond what they even know and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. The stickies are a great help, along with the books mentioned.
Welcome, you have found a really great place of support. Hugs to you for all your efforts with your wife. I hope you find help and support for YOU here.
Sometimes it feels like I am living by myself with a statue of a woman who cannot speak or interact with me. I start to question my commitment when night after night the woman I married is not really there. It seems I am always there for her when she needs me, but she is not there for me when I need her because she is too far gone.
In my life, I had an extreme medical emergency, and I actually could not rouse him as he fell asleep drunk in the chair. I needed him to tell me how to get to the hospital since we had just moved. He told me to leave him alone and to ***k off! I ended up driving myself to the hospital and then being told that I could have blacked out due to loss of blood etc. Things turned out ok in the end, and as you can see, I lived! But, the hurt of his not being there was one of the issues that finally got me to work on me.
I am glad you found us. I tell everybody that the people here have been a pillar in my support network that I could not do without. They have all helped me beyond what they even know and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. The stickies are a great help, along with the books mentioned.
Welcome, you have found a really great place of support. Hugs to you for all your efforts with your wife. I hope you find help and support for YOU here.
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