Enabling
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
Enabling
I did a whole bucket load of this, both with my ex and with other people who weren't alcoholics but had their own issues. Learning about enabling really helped me to take a step back and truly look at my own behaviour and the impact it was having on my relationships.
Enabling Takes Many Forms
Many times when family and friends try to "help" alcoholics, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.
This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of his actions. This in turn allows the alcoholic to continue merrily along his (or her) drinking ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.
What is the difference between helping and enabling? There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, some of which can be found on the pages linked below, but here is a simple description:
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.
Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.
Are you an enabler?
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an alcoholic in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the alcoholic, lying about his symptoms?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking or behavior?
3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking out of fear of his response?
4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?
5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself?
6. Have you loaned him money?
7. Have you tried drinking with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship?
8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another?
9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't?
10. Have you finished a job or project that the alcoholic failed to complete himself?
Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the alcoholic to avoid his own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the alcoholic, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the alcoholic, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the disease yourself.
As long as the alcoholic has his enabling devices in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny he has a problem -- since most of his problems are being "solved" by those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become.
Some of these choices are not easy for the friends and families of alcoholics. If the alcoholic drinks up the money that was supposed to pay the utility bill, he's not the only one who will be living in a dark, cold, or sweltering house. The rest of the family will suffer right along with him.
That makes the only option for the family seem to be taking the money intended for groceries and paying the light bill instead, since nobody wants to be without utilities.
But that is not the only option. Taking the children to friends or relatives, or even a shelter, and letting the alcoholic come home alone to a dark house, is an option that protects the family and leaves the alcoholic face-to-face with his problem.
Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require "detachment with love." But it is love. Unless the alcoholic is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his drinking has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.
Enabling - Enabling and Alcoholism in the Family
Enabling Takes Many Forms
Many times when family and friends try to "help" alcoholics, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.
This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of his actions. This in turn allows the alcoholic to continue merrily along his (or her) drinking ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.
What is the difference between helping and enabling? There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, some of which can be found on the pages linked below, but here is a simple description:
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.
Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.
Are you an enabler?
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an alcoholic in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the alcoholic, lying about his symptoms?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking or behavior?
3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking out of fear of his response?
4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?
5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself?
6. Have you loaned him money?
7. Have you tried drinking with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship?
8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another?
9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't?
10. Have you finished a job or project that the alcoholic failed to complete himself?
Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the alcoholic to avoid his own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the alcoholic, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the alcoholic, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the disease yourself.
As long as the alcoholic has his enabling devices in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny he has a problem -- since most of his problems are being "solved" by those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become.
Some of these choices are not easy for the friends and families of alcoholics. If the alcoholic drinks up the money that was supposed to pay the utility bill, he's not the only one who will be living in a dark, cold, or sweltering house. The rest of the family will suffer right along with him.
That makes the only option for the family seem to be taking the money intended for groceries and paying the light bill instead, since nobody wants to be without utilities.
But that is not the only option. Taking the children to friends or relatives, or even a shelter, and letting the alcoholic come home alone to a dark house, is an option that protects the family and leaves the alcoholic face-to-face with his problem.
Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require "detachment with love." But it is love. Unless the alcoholic is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his drinking has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.
Enabling - Enabling and Alcoholism in the Family
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Yup, I was a big enabler. When I realized how much I was enabling and how it was making it impossible for AH to deal with his own consequences is when I realized I had to leave. AH may still not change but at least I am no longer proving the safe place for him to destroy himself.
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by karmakoma 
Are you an enabler?
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an alcoholic in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the alcoholic, lying about his symptoms? (Nope--he was self-employed
)
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking or behavior? (No)
3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking out of fear of his response? (Yes, sometimes and then sometimes just brought it up to show my superiority)
4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees? (No-he never got in trouble with the law.)
5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself? (Yes)
6. Have you loaned him money? (Yes)
7. Have you tried drinking with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship? (Yes)
8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another? (Yes)
9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't? (Yes)
10. Have you finished a job or project that the alcoholic failed to complete himself? (Yes)
Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the alcoholic to avoid his own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the alcoholic, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the alcoholic, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the disease yourself.
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an alcoholic in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the alcoholic, lying about his symptoms? (Nope--he was self-employed
)2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking or behavior? (No)
3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking out of fear of his response? (Yes, sometimes and then sometimes just brought it up to show my superiority)
4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees? (No-he never got in trouble with the law.)
5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself? (Yes)
6. Have you loaned him money? (Yes)
7. Have you tried drinking with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship? (Yes)
8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another? (Yes)
9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't? (Yes)
10. Have you finished a job or project that the alcoholic failed to complete himself? (Yes)
Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the alcoholic to avoid his own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the alcoholic, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the alcoholic, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the disease yourself.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I could answer yes to most of those questions.
I did what I thought was loving and best at the time as I was uneducated in the world of alcoholism and enabling. Now that I know better, I know for a fact I would do better, much better. That's all I can ask for and aspire to these days....both knowing and doing better!
I did what I thought was loving and best at the time as I was uneducated in the world of alcoholism and enabling. Now that I know better, I know for a fact I would do better, much better. That's all I can ask for and aspire to these days....both knowing and doing better!
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