Zak68

Hey, I was surfing the internet to get some help and saw this site. I guess now it's time to tell my story...

Married 15 years this June. 2 kids, 11 girl, 7 boy. Found out my wife had a drinking problem in March 2004.

I originally just thought she was a lightweight. She would get too drunk at parties, drink more than me around the house,etc. One day I just felt it was too much and saw her writing something in her journal. In there I found comments back to the early years of our marriage where she questioned is she was an alcoholic and if she should tell me. Recent notes also stated she felt she drank too much.

I confronted her with it and she blew it off to stress but it only got worse from there. Over the next year I paid close attention to her drinking and kept trying to get her to come to me for help. She said she knew it was wrong and often thought as she was buying her vodka that it was wrong. I pleaded with her to call me or anyone to talk her down from the purchase if she knew it was wrong. The problem is she is a proud drunk. Heaven forbid anyone knows about her problem and sees her as weak. I said call me, your best friend in Colorado, the women in your bible study, your pastor, anyone just get help. She refused them all.

Made her go to a local AA meeting, contacted local person who ran it and she was going to meet my wife there to help her out. That lasted all of 2-3 weeks. She said all the people there were hardcore alcoholics and nobody could relate to her problems. I suggested a Christian help group, she tried that for a month maybe, same story about nobody being able to relate to her problems and gave up on them all.

Finally it got to the point where she was injuring herself. Fell down drunk and busted her chin open and needed 3 stitches, sprained her wrist, sprained her ankle doing things while drunk. I was at my wits end and told her brother. He said they all knew she had a problem and just thought I knew. *sigh* He contacted her folks, they came down.

She opens up to them and says they didn't judge her like I did. Blamed a lot of it on me and I shouldered the blame in the hopes that she would get help. Her parents paid for an outpatient group locally that lasted a month or so. Almost two months later she was back to drinking and even stronger.

I continued to confront her to get more help and our marriage kept going downhill. Feb 2007 we had a huge discussion. She asked me to treat her more like a lover and less like a wife. I in turn asked her to come to me for help. Her never doing that hurts me and I feel like her babysitter watching the kids while she gets drunk. Well, that didn't last but 2 weeks and she was back to the bottle, hiding her vodka even better so I couldn't find it. I still can't figure out where she keeps it to this day.

In April we were at my brothers for a party. She was doing great then later on she walks right up to me as I was talking to a friend with a drink in her hand. Next day I asked her what that was all about. She said she just wanted to see how I would react. I called her childish and she said she doesn't trust me enough to let me help her.

At that point I just stopped trying. It had been 3 years at that point where I tried to get her help. Not once has she let me help her or even made it seem like she wanted my help. She is a functional. She doesn't drink in the morning that I know. It's only on nights and she puts down 2-3 750 ml of vodka a week. She used to mix it with pop now it's straight or on the rocks and when I find her drinks around the house I pour them out so the kids don't get them on accident. In the past she has gotten violent when drunk, not overly but will yell,scream, throw things when the kids or I upset her.

I am just at my wits end. I have tried to get her help. I have tried to put people in contact with her to help. None of it is ever good enough for her and I am inches away from filling for divorce. In the past she has told me I could have one if I want. I told her I believed in her and loved her enough that I wanted to stay. Now I just don't know...

Barbara52

Sorry you are in the midst of the madness. Have you tried going to AlAnon? It may help you understand yourself and what you want better. Read the stickies and keep posting. We have all been where you are.

BohemiMamaof3

I grew up in a home where my mom was a functioning-binge alcoholic. I'm thinking when I was around age 12 that her drinking became a noticable problem, my brother was about 3 yrs. younger than me. It was difficult. In retrospect, I could have answered yes to about 10 of the questions on the Alanon Self Test. Because she fulfilled all of her wifely and motherly responsibilities, and binged sporadically, was not physically abusive or negligent, she refused to accept her alcoholism. As did our Dad. In many ways she was a fantastic mom - it's like Jeckyll & Hyde. I think it would have helped me an my brother if our dad had encouraged us to get help. I never really told anyone about our problems back then because the few I did tell recacted as my Dad, in thinking an alcoholic was someone who dropped out of life as a homeless person or "wino". I think that Alanon and Alateen could have been a help for us if someone pointed us in that direction. I encourage you to find age appropriate help for your children and Alanon meetings for yourself.

Zak68

I have never attended any of the local meetings. I took the test and answered yes to 8 of them. In the past I used to get depressed that while I wanted to help the hand and emotional support I was extending was never grasped.

Last year I had a personal epiphany and realized I can't help her if she doesn't want the help so I focused on myself. I quit smoking, picked up again recently, started exercising, etc. It just saddens me that here I am wanting to help to save our marriage and to me it seems like she doesn't care.

I have warned my daughter and son to never touch anything she has lying around and we talk when she gets hostile and starts to yell about how we still love them but mommy is just stressed out.

The thing that really hurts now is money is tight so I took a second job. I come home most nights to find her drunk and it worries me to no end that she is there alone with the kids in this condition. My daughter has been told to call me immediately should something happen while I am gone or go to the neighbor should my wife have to drive in an emergency.

I guess deep down I keep waiting for the "hit rock bottom" to happen so she realizes how bad it is but do I really want to let her get there and endanger the kids? Maybe our marriage failing will be her rock bottom but to be honest it scares the heck out of me to consider giving up on almost 15 years of marriage. Then again, I haven't been truly happy for several years and my inability to help and holding on to something that is failing only feeds her problem.

denny57

I can't imagine having that responsibility and stress at 11 years old. From the stories posted here, I know many have.

It's sad your family is going through this. I hope you reach out for all the help that is available for you and your children.

Keep posting!

BohemiMamaof3

Zack, I think you are on the right track, and like Denny said keep posting, keep seeking help. Check out the "stickies" because they have nuggets of wisdom and resources. I guess our bible around here is the book "Co-Dependant No More" by Medodie Beatie. You also mentioned Christian groups in your OP so I highly recommend "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend which is like a Christian vesion of Co-Dependant No More. These should be at the library.

Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself : Signed: Books: Melody Beattie

Boundaries, Large Print Edition - By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend - Christianbook.com

There is even a Boundaries In Marriage which I haven't read but might be helpful.
Boundaries in Marriage - By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend - Christianbook.com

anamchara

BohemiMamaof3,

Your post was a God-send to me today, as is this community.

What you described is what I am dealing with at home- and I have been searching to talk to a grown child of an alcoholic to gain advice.

It's been a long 15 year road - but with many, many positives along the way...lots of therapy, prayers, and continued healing.

I am at a place though, where I need wisdom concerning my kids, ages 6 and 10 yrs. Their father is a functioning alcoholic, as you described your home life BohemiMama. He has always had a good job, is supportive of the kids - and my endeavors- and in many ways, a very good father.

His binge drinking is always in the evening and, although I am thankful he is not abusive or violent in any way, he does act ....silly- slurring his words, repeating himself...etc. My 10 yr. old son knows what's going on....we talk about it privately as I want to keep our lines of communication open - always. My 6 yr. old daughter just thinks daddy is funny....

Anyway, what I am trying to get at -- I want to make decisions based on the well-being of my children. I do not want a divorce, yet I also don't want my children exposed to my husband when he is drunk. He is exactly the Jeckyll & Hide type - a complete different personality when he's had too much.

Please tell me, in hindsight, do you think you would have been better off if your mom & dad had separated ?

Thank you for your words....

Blessing to you, and all of you here ....

hello-kitty

You might want to check out a book called Elephant in the Living Room. It's on Amazon. It's for kids. I read it and it's very good.

Chrysalis

Hi Zak,
Definitely read the stickies! Especially the one called Classic Reading.

The books that were suggested are also great reads. This forum is amazing, keep reading it!

The only other suggestion I can make is to try Al Anon but attend at least 6 - 8 meetings. I was at my wits ends when I went to my first meeting. I left the meeting thinking "they were all nuts and my problems are not so bad". I took me a couple of meetings to see that we all had one common problem. It took me 35 yrs to realize that my dad was an A and over 10 yrs to realize my husband was an A, it sometimes takes a bit of time for things to become clear so one or two meetings is not enough. Our meetings end with "Keep coming back, it works if you work it and your worth it". You ARE worth it! Oh, and it's free!

Zak68

Good question Anvil. I think I have the term "functional" in my head becuase she doesn't fit into the so called mold of a full blown alcoholic. She hasn't missed work, she doesn't need it every day, no DUI's, etc. She told me once she has thought she had a problem since college just in varying degrees.

To be honest I think most of it is a stress release for her. She has no outlets. She hates playing games with the family, she doesn't play sports, her close friends are long distance so she has nobody to relate to or share her struggles with. She is a private person that internalizes all her stress and to me it seems she finds her release in her drunkeness.

In the past I have tried to be there to make things less stressful. I do laundry, mow, dishes, housework, etc. It just never seems to matter even when I am doing all this she still drinks and like I mentioned it has gone from mixing to straight vodka and she once told me she started making strong mixes so she wouldn't have to go to her stash that often, now that it's not mixed I fear she is getting worse and worse.

Her mother (father passed away 11/06) and brother ask me how she is doing and I tell them she is still drinking but won't get help. I think they are all relying on me to get her help and with her fighting me tooth and nail I just don't see her letting me get her help. Like I mentioned earlier I have recently lost all motivation to get her help.

I think I came here for peace of mind that others stuggle like I do. I have friends I know via the internet who have spouses in similar conditions but always a bit worse. I think I keep rationalizing too much for the sake of the marriage when in my heart I think I know what needs to be done. The problem is my folks split when I was 18 and I know how that impacted my life and I just can't imagine doing that to my kids.

A friend told me once that it will be rough but in the end kids will heal. I just need to belive that I guess...

jehnifer

Zak-

Bless your heart you seem to be trying so hard to help your wife. And its not working it seems. That in my opinion is because she is not ready to help herself. And in the meantime you are making yourself crazy with worry. Trouble is... there is nothing you can do, as has been proven. So give yourself a break from your desperate attempts to save her. Let her go. Make sure the kids are safe, but stop trying so hard to save her. Its time for you to define some boundaries for yourself and on behalf of the kids. For your own wellbeing. PLEASE attend more alanon meetings... there they will guide you on the ways you can constructively handle the situationand help you feel stronger and more aware of the things you can control.

anamchara

Zak,

Just want you to know that I'll be saying a prayer for you.

I don't know if this relates, but when I was at my lowest point with fear and anxiety over my husband's choices, I wasn't meeting my children's emotional needs. I was so absorbed in HIS whereabouts, HIS lack of response to my efforts to change him, that I didn't see my own behaviour changing.

It was a big wake-up call to see my face full of anger in the mirror that day-

Embrace your little ones...keep them safe, and above all, let them know that mommy's problem is not their fault. I see they are close in age to my own...

again, I'll be praying for you and yours~

BohemiMamaof3

Thank you, sweetie. I will do my best to answer.

In my parents’ situation, no way! They had a really good marriage otherwise. She was not a hardcore drinker, but she was an alcoholic, if that makes sense. She did go past the happy-drunk stage though, and would often be prone to rants and very mean arguments when she was drunk. That was horrible. She also only drank in the evening. We were not small children then, though, and it was never physical, and we were old enough to know she was drunk and not herself. Then she would be fine for months. I can remember her embarrassing us at Christmas parties and restaurants. She could say some horrible and very hurtful things when she was on one of her alcoholic tirades. If we had been in some sort of program I think we would have had better tools to handle it. If my Dad had not enabled her, we could have avoided much of that, imo. But in every other aspect of their lives, our parents modeled a good marriage and were basically “good” people. If her alcoholism had manifested itself in that she was very abusive, very negligent, caused financial strain, etc., then I think more drastic means would have been in order. But in our case, she functioned. Have we had had dysfunctional fall-out that was influenced by her alcoholism? Yes, I think so. IMO, if we had been in some sort of recovery program earlier on, I think it could have helped us. I am a recovering codie, my brother is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. But, we are also individuals with free will. I made the choice to follow God and to stop drinking and using drugs recreationally when I became pregnant with my eldest child. I made up my mind, by the help an grace of God*, that I was not going to perpetuate the cycle of addiction in my family. My brother made his choices, but thankfully is doing better now. Recognizing and working to heal my co-dependant issues has been a long strange trip. It’s tough to answer this question, Anamchara, because only you can decide what’s best for you & your children, and only you know your husband. I really hope this helps and pray for the best for you and your children.

*My Christian conversion and testimony is a whole ‘nother story!

Zak68

Thanks Anamchara.

I do focus more on them now. I am not one to get violent or yell. My daughter once remarked she has never seen me angry and I like to keep it that way. I am a firm believer that you can talk without yelling to get your point across.

With me working a 2nd job to help financially I spend as much time with my kids as I can. We sit and read, play games or just sit on the couch snuggling watching TV. I can see it in their eyes how much they miss me and I know there are times I come home and she is barely conscious on the couch with her drink next to her. I highly doubt she is giving them the attention they need.

The one thing that paralyzes me is custody. If it comes to divorce I know how difficult it is for a man to get full custody but I panic thinking about finally getting a divorce and not getting the kids. If she can't control it now with me around for support how will she be on her own and what sort of environment will I be subjecting my children to if I can't prove I deserve custody.

I spoke to a divorce attorney a about 14-16 months ago and she told me to document all the instances so I have a word spreadsheet going back to Fall 2006. I also feel her mother and brother would back me too but you never know when it comes down to family...

Right now she has her own checking account and buys from there. She has statements delivered to work so I don't see how much she is buying. Due to this she hasn't been drinking away the family money but she has in the past. One statement I found from May 2007 showed 13 bottles purchased that month. My guess is most months it is around that give or take a few.

Barbara52

One thing your children are learning is that drunk is a normal response to stress/problems/etc. That drunk is normal. They have their father as their primary example of what an adult male, a father, a husband does, says, and so on. Is that what you want your children learning?

I am also an ACOA. I am now 53 and unlearning all the coping mechanisms and disfunctionality I learned growing up.

Would I have been better off if my parents had separated? Its hard to say since both my parents were alcoholic. I truly believe if I had one nonalcoholic parent who took action to protect me from the abuse, the bad examples, the unhealthy environment I would have done a great deal better in choosing my husband and in life in general.

BohemiMamaof3

Very good points, all!
And to elaborate on what Anvil has said... In the situation with my Mom and even more so with my brother, when I stepped back and stopped all the cushioning, excuses and bailing out, eventually things got better. Of course they got worse for a time, hehehe, nobody likes a change or a boundary. It seems like you are doing so much to help her because you love her and want to see her well, but in reality your helping is just giving her more oppertunities to not do what she's supposed to do. I hope that makes sense.

Zak68

Thanks Anvil, I try to keep that in mind. My parents divorce scarred me badly but my Dad was a wreck and in no shape to help me and my brother get through it. He turned to med and alcohol to cope. I dropped out of college to help keep him from losing the house and keep him from suicide, which he told me later he thought about daily.

I WILL be there for my kids. I love them dearly and I can't let this continue much longer. Fear has let me keep it going this long and like Bohemi mentioned I know I am empowering her by my lack of a backbone in standing up to her more. Then again, as many of you have mentioned I can only help her so much. She has to help herself and want to be cured, I can only help in that process I can't do it all by myself.

BohemiMamaof3

And remember to just take things a step at a time, a day at a time.

Chrysalis

You story sounds EXACTLY like mine except for two things my husband is the A and my folks did not split. My dad is an active A at the age of 70 and I can assure you the impact on my life was also significant. I am now dealing with the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home through therapy and Al Anon.

I wonder daily how my decision to stay or go will impact my children's lives.
I am considering counselling for my kids regardless of my decision because I am sure their lives have already been impacted.

:praying
CoDeep

Barbara52

One other thing to consider when their are children in the alcoholic family is that those children have an increased likelihood of themselves becoming alcoholics or other substance abusers in the future. Both my brothers are alcoholic, one of them in recovery for 20+ years, the other still in denial about it. There are many factors of course but statistically there is an increased risk.