I AM the Girlfriend
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 4
I AM the Girlfriend
I am in such need of some advice. I've heard many different scenarios, but I found this place and it seems to be on the right track.
4 months ago I ran into my high school sweetheart. We immediately went out and hit it off. He was quick to say "I love you"..and I fell head over heals. We had some wonderful moments. Within a month I realized he had some issues with alcohol. Issues like...he was impossible to even converse with, when he was binging. OK...around Christmas he got sick...real sick. He was in the hospital for a week and they discovered he was bleeding. He was so sick from this. All this caused by his drinking. I was dumbfounded. I was there at the hospital every day. His parents were there. They kept me in the loop with what the DRs. were telling them. His liver is damaged badly. It may not be shot..but he can NEVER drink again. It will surely kill him. He knows this.
He has not had a drink since before he went in the hospital. He is scared to death. I'm proud of him for his dedication. I certainly don't want to see him die. It's only been about a month now. He hasn't talked to me about it (like everything else) But his father is 100% sure he's not had a drink. OH he is not going through any treament programs as I assume he believes he can do it on his own. (he's been through AA before..court ordered..and refuses to go back)
My issue is that since he came out of the hospital...he's been very detached. Almost closing the door on me. He will tell me he loves me..if I say it first most times. He doesn't have any desire to see me or actually talk to me (or so it seems). He will text me all day long. Am I wrong in just guessing that it's hard for him to be around me? We DID used to drink together. He seems so emotion-less to me. I've asked him repeatedly if he wants me to remain in his life..and if so in what capacity. I KNOW I cannot put pressure on him and I'm really trying. I've read that he needs to get his sobriety before he can even think about relationships. But what about the relationship he was in with me? Does that just stop? He will NOT tell me that he doesn't want me in his life...but all signs point to that. When I try to talk to him about all of this...he says he doesn't know where I'm coming up with all this. Like he doesn't think anything is wrong. I don't think it's normal to spend 2 days a month with your "boyfriend".
He has his parents right down the street. They spend a lot of time with him. I know he's not alone and I want him to be happy and healthy. Is it best for me to walk away? I don't want to. I love hiim with all my being. But it's tearing me apart..just waiting for him to...well, love me.
If I posted this in the wrong section. I am so sorry. I'm tired and I'm so exhausted from all of this.
Thanks for any advice.
D
4 months ago I ran into my high school sweetheart. We immediately went out and hit it off. He was quick to say "I love you"..and I fell head over heals. We had some wonderful moments. Within a month I realized he had some issues with alcohol. Issues like...he was impossible to even converse with, when he was binging. OK...around Christmas he got sick...real sick. He was in the hospital for a week and they discovered he was bleeding. He was so sick from this. All this caused by his drinking. I was dumbfounded. I was there at the hospital every day. His parents were there. They kept me in the loop with what the DRs. were telling them. His liver is damaged badly. It may not be shot..but he can NEVER drink again. It will surely kill him. He knows this.
He has not had a drink since before he went in the hospital. He is scared to death. I'm proud of him for his dedication. I certainly don't want to see him die. It's only been about a month now. He hasn't talked to me about it (like everything else) But his father is 100% sure he's not had a drink. OH he is not going through any treament programs as I assume he believes he can do it on his own. (he's been through AA before..court ordered..and refuses to go back)
My issue is that since he came out of the hospital...he's been very detached. Almost closing the door on me. He will tell me he loves me..if I say it first most times. He doesn't have any desire to see me or actually talk to me (or so it seems). He will text me all day long. Am I wrong in just guessing that it's hard for him to be around me? We DID used to drink together. He seems so emotion-less to me. I've asked him repeatedly if he wants me to remain in his life..and if so in what capacity. I KNOW I cannot put pressure on him and I'm really trying. I've read that he needs to get his sobriety before he can even think about relationships. But what about the relationship he was in with me? Does that just stop? He will NOT tell me that he doesn't want me in his life...but all signs point to that. When I try to talk to him about all of this...he says he doesn't know where I'm coming up with all this. Like he doesn't think anything is wrong. I don't think it's normal to spend 2 days a month with your "boyfriend".
He has his parents right down the street. They spend a lot of time with him. I know he's not alone and I want him to be happy and healthy. Is it best for me to walk away? I don't want to. I love hiim with all my being. But it's tearing me apart..just waiting for him to...well, love me.
If I posted this in the wrong section. I am so sorry. I'm tired and I'm so exhausted from all of this.
Thanks for any advice.
D
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
In my opinion, it may be best for you to walk away. You have described someone who may be an end-stage alcoholic. I'm not a doctor, but those are some of the signs that my boyfriend exhibited when I first arrived on this forum. Based on some internet research I did, I believed that I was dealing with an end-stage alcoholic.
My suspicions proved to be correct as he endured one health crisis after the other in the final two years of his life. Despite all his doctor's warnings, my former boyfriend was never able to get his drinking under control. He managed to get sober for a few months at a time, but he wasn't working a program (i.e., AA) or seeing a therapist and it was only a matter of time before he began drinking again.
I stayed at his side for the first year, but the stress of watching someone self-destruct took a huge toll on me emotionally and physically. I became an emotional wreck and my health began to suffer. Eventually, I realized that I was fighting a losing battle, and if I didn't save myself, we'd both go down with the ship. So I ended my relationship with him. He drank himself to death, alone in his apartment 7 months ago.
Me staying or leaving made no difference in my boyfriend's ability to become sober. He was determined to drink himself to death. But me leaving made a huge difference in my life.
I don't have a crystal ball and I'm not a doctor, so I don't know for sure what the future holds for your boyfriend, but unless he gets some serious help and stays sober for the remainder of his life, his future is bleak because alcoholism is a progressive disease.
My suggestion to you is to do some internet research on the terms "end-stage alcoholic" and "late-stage alcoholic" so you can decide for yourself if it's best to stay in the relationship or end it.
Alanon also will be a huge help to you. Hope you stick around a while. SR was a lifesaver for me.
My suspicions proved to be correct as he endured one health crisis after the other in the final two years of his life. Despite all his doctor's warnings, my former boyfriend was never able to get his drinking under control. He managed to get sober for a few months at a time, but he wasn't working a program (i.e., AA) or seeing a therapist and it was only a matter of time before he began drinking again.
I stayed at his side for the first year, but the stress of watching someone self-destruct took a huge toll on me emotionally and physically. I became an emotional wreck and my health began to suffer. Eventually, I realized that I was fighting a losing battle, and if I didn't save myself, we'd both go down with the ship. So I ended my relationship with him. He drank himself to death, alone in his apartment 7 months ago.
Me staying or leaving made no difference in my boyfriend's ability to become sober. He was determined to drink himself to death. But me leaving made a huge difference in my life.
I don't have a crystal ball and I'm not a doctor, so I don't know for sure what the future holds for your boyfriend, but unless he gets some serious help and stays sober for the remainder of his life, his future is bleak because alcoholism is a progressive disease.
My suggestion to you is to do some internet research on the terms "end-stage alcoholic" and "late-stage alcoholic" so you can decide for yourself if it's best to stay in the relationship or end it.
Alanon also will be a huge help to you. Hope you stick around a while. SR was a lifesaver for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
hello l-d,
welcome. you sound so concerned for your lover and also in a lot of pain and confusion.
if he isn't using right now, he is in post-acute-withdrawal, which has its own demons. he will be several weeks or months or a couple years in this, if he stays clean. the best thing for him would be medical care in a treatment facility and a support group and an addiction counselor. alone, on his own, it is very unlikely he will be able to stay dry. and there are medications available, as well, to help him detox. but he will need serious medical assistance. i am sorry the doctors in the hospital did not send him straight to a detox unit after they patched him up and then on to a treatment facility for a few months.
you do not have to abruptly end the relationship, if you feel you cannot bear to right now. you can stay connected from a distance. he is unable to be with you, he is lost and spiraling and his addict behavior is putting up the famous wall addicts put up when they are not in recovery.
if he begins drinking again, his family should call in an interventionist, in my opinion. i believe in doing EVERYTHING possible, when someone is as seriously ill as your boyfriend. time is of the essence.
you are wanting a relationship with someone who is completely unable to meet you in that right now. you must let that go for now. he is in a critical state and the only thing that matters right now is whether he lives or dies.
as long as he is not verbally abusive, you can stay in contact, support him in any movement he makes toward recovery, participate in an intervention if that should happen. just know that you will not be the one who says the right thing that turns his life around. it is much much more complicated than that.
i hope you will get several books on addiction. if you want to be a part of what's to come, you will need them. believe me.
you will know what you want to do. i wish you the very best and hope so much that he finds recovery and that you do, too. take good care and stay connected to recovering people for you will need their experience and support.
welcome. you sound so concerned for your lover and also in a lot of pain and confusion.
if he isn't using right now, he is in post-acute-withdrawal, which has its own demons. he will be several weeks or months or a couple years in this, if he stays clean. the best thing for him would be medical care in a treatment facility and a support group and an addiction counselor. alone, on his own, it is very unlikely he will be able to stay dry. and there are medications available, as well, to help him detox. but he will need serious medical assistance. i am sorry the doctors in the hospital did not send him straight to a detox unit after they patched him up and then on to a treatment facility for a few months.
you do not have to abruptly end the relationship, if you feel you cannot bear to right now. you can stay connected from a distance. he is unable to be with you, he is lost and spiraling and his addict behavior is putting up the famous wall addicts put up when they are not in recovery.
if he begins drinking again, his family should call in an interventionist, in my opinion. i believe in doing EVERYTHING possible, when someone is as seriously ill as your boyfriend. time is of the essence.
you are wanting a relationship with someone who is completely unable to meet you in that right now. you must let that go for now. he is in a critical state and the only thing that matters right now is whether he lives or dies.
as long as he is not verbally abusive, you can stay in contact, support him in any movement he makes toward recovery, participate in an intervention if that should happen. just know that you will not be the one who says the right thing that turns his life around. it is much much more complicated than that.
i hope you will get several books on addiction. if you want to be a part of what's to come, you will need them. believe me.
you will know what you want to do. i wish you the very best and hope so much that he finds recovery and that you do, too. take good care and stay connected to recovering people for you will need their experience and support.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
I too hope you'll read about addiction and influence it has on the non-alcoholic and stay with us on this board. It's extremely helpful. One book that really helped me understand Alcoholism itself as a disease was "Under the Influence".
But to address your concerns about the relationship you're having with your boyfriend. If I were you I'd think about letting him go, atleast for now, as your "boyfriend". It's ok to still love him and pray for him. But do not stop your life and let his disease control you.
I'm sure many others will reply. Hang in there and stick with SR. Read the stickies etc...
But to address your concerns about the relationship you're having with your boyfriend. If I were you I'd think about letting him go, atleast for now, as your "boyfriend". It's ok to still love him and pray for him. But do not stop your life and let his disease control you.
I'm sure many others will reply. Hang in there and stick with SR. Read the stickies etc...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Every day without a drink is a struggle for him -- especially since he is not in a recovery program like AA. People don't go to AA to get sober... they go to AA to stay sober. He is probably hanging on by a thread. Sounds like you are, too. I know it hurts, but ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want for yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 4
Thanks to all
I just wanted to say thanks for all the information. I've been trying to learn about recovery and what it entails. As I am not an expert, I just haven't been sure if what he's doing is normal. I don't trust him. But I do love him.
Since I don't spend hardly any time with him at all, I just can't be sure what he's thinking/feeling. It's driving me insane coming up with my own ideas as to what that may be. I get that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me...but I have ideas that he's talking to others. Therefore I wonder why he won't talk to me. It's the same way with just about everything else. I believe he's spending time with others..yet doesn't spend time with me. To MOST people that would mean.."he's just not that into you"...but I really think it's much deeper than that. OR maybe I want to believe that.
Since he finds it so difficult to actually speak to me..i.e. he only likes to text me...I don't want to have this conversation with him over text or email. I really want to have a face to face conversation with him...He just never wants to get to together. I have a key to his condo...I don't feel comfortable with that any longer. I've actually had thoughts of just showing up, which is totally out of my character, just to see if he was really alone. I want to give him his key back. I bought him things to give to him...which are sitting here. I just want to look at him and say the words to him. I want a reaction. Is that selfish? I think it is. I'm sorry. I really just want to see him have some emotion. Get mad..get happy...something. I've "talked" to him before..and in person..I get nothing. No response...really nothing. On the phone, I get a little more. He says he doesn't get where I'm coming up with all this. I want him to FEEL...but...
I've been reading a lot of the posts about co-dependancy...and OMG..I'm waayy out of control. SO, I've got to learn that it's not about what I want, right? And on the surfact I know this. What he's doing IS completely about him and I SHOULD be. But on the home-front...I miss him. I want to have a companion back. My child sees me crying nightly..that can't be good. My little guy (who is 10)..tells me to kick him to the curb..that he hates to see me so sad. That should be all the incentive I need. My 10-year old doesn't know what's really going on. But wouldn't be nice to see things through the eyes of an innocent 10-year old again???
SO how does this sound. When I finally DO get him alone I will tell him something like...."I really care about your health and your happiness. And I think it's best that I step out of your life for a while. With me constantly worried about when I am going to see you and worried about why you don't want to see me..that certainly isn't helping you at all. You seem quite content to be by yourself, or at least without me. SO, for my own sanity, I will give you your keys back and let you live your life without me bothering you."
I'm quite sure I'll get no argument from him as he doesn't fight for anything ever. Everyone always just gives to him...he really has never had to work for anything in his life. Except what he's going through now. I will say this will be the hardest thing he'll ever do and for that reason..he may not be able to handle...love and relationships. I understand that.
Anyway, thanks for all the advice. I will keep reading and asking more questions if need be.
D
Since I don't spend hardly any time with him at all, I just can't be sure what he's thinking/feeling. It's driving me insane coming up with my own ideas as to what that may be. I get that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me...but I have ideas that he's talking to others. Therefore I wonder why he won't talk to me. It's the same way with just about everything else. I believe he's spending time with others..yet doesn't spend time with me. To MOST people that would mean.."he's just not that into you"...but I really think it's much deeper than that. OR maybe I want to believe that.
Since he finds it so difficult to actually speak to me..i.e. he only likes to text me...I don't want to have this conversation with him over text or email. I really want to have a face to face conversation with him...He just never wants to get to together. I have a key to his condo...I don't feel comfortable with that any longer. I've actually had thoughts of just showing up, which is totally out of my character, just to see if he was really alone. I want to give him his key back. I bought him things to give to him...which are sitting here. I just want to look at him and say the words to him. I want a reaction. Is that selfish? I think it is. I'm sorry. I really just want to see him have some emotion. Get mad..get happy...something. I've "talked" to him before..and in person..I get nothing. No response...really nothing. On the phone, I get a little more. He says he doesn't get where I'm coming up with all this. I want him to FEEL...but...
I've been reading a lot of the posts about co-dependancy...and OMG..I'm waayy out of control. SO, I've got to learn that it's not about what I want, right? And on the surfact I know this. What he's doing IS completely about him and I SHOULD be. But on the home-front...I miss him. I want to have a companion back. My child sees me crying nightly..that can't be good. My little guy (who is 10)..tells me to kick him to the curb..that he hates to see me so sad. That should be all the incentive I need. My 10-year old doesn't know what's really going on. But wouldn't be nice to see things through the eyes of an innocent 10-year old again???
SO how does this sound. When I finally DO get him alone I will tell him something like...."I really care about your health and your happiness. And I think it's best that I step out of your life for a while. With me constantly worried about when I am going to see you and worried about why you don't want to see me..that certainly isn't helping you at all. You seem quite content to be by yourself, or at least without me. SO, for my own sanity, I will give you your keys back and let you live your life without me bothering you."
I'm quite sure I'll get no argument from him as he doesn't fight for anything ever. Everyone always just gives to him...he really has never had to work for anything in his life. Except what he's going through now. I will say this will be the hardest thing he'll ever do and for that reason..he may not be able to handle...love and relationships. I understand that.
Anyway, thanks for all the advice. I will keep reading and asking more questions if need be.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
You've only been seeing one another for four months. It's not as though you share a history together. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic facing a life or death situation, according to the doctors. Given the fact that he may die, I'm sure he has more important things on his mind than getting involved in a romantic relationship -- and still you sound as if you are taking this personally. Think about this.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Actually, I beg to differ your ten year old DOES really know what is going on. And your higher power is talking to you through the mouth of babes.
It's important your son see you taking positive action on this.
Just my humble opnion.
ngaire
It's important your son see you taking positive action on this.
Just my humble opnion.
ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 4
Four Months or forty years...isn't the "love" word sacred? I use it sparingly and mean it each and every time I say it. I felt he meant it when he said it. Please know that I've known him most of my life too...Not just four month. I DO take it personally when the word "love" is used to me. Very personally. It hurts to take that away.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by ladydaze14 
SO how does this sound. When I finally DO get him alone I will tell him something like...."I really care about your health and your happiness. And I think it's best that I step out of your life for a while. With me constantly worried about when I am going to see you and worried about why you don't want to see me..that certainly isn't helping you at all. You seem quite content to be by yourself, or at least without me. SO, for my own sanity, I will give you your keys back and let you live your life without me bothering you."
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by ladydaze14
Four Months or forty years...isn't the "love" word sacred? I use it sparingly and mean it each and every time I say it. I felt he meant it when he said it. Please know that I've known him most of my life too...Not just four month. I DO take it personally when the word "love" is used to me. Very personally. It hurts to take that away.
I hhave to say, that if this was written by an addict or an active alcoholic about their drug or drink, it would be believable. Rationalizing away the damage and the pain it has caused, because it is sacred, special. Explaining that 4 months really means all of one's life....I only say this because I recognize myself in these words.
Step back and see if you can hear what you are saying. You came here looking for perspective and solutions to a real problem, and we all really do care and we do understand. It is very painful to love someone who is active in the disease of alcoholism. It hurts.
Love does not have to hurt.
I'm sorry you are going thru this. Please take care of you and your son....good luck!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 4
An Update
I'd first like to say thanks to everyone. I've learned sooooo incredibly much here. I'm not sure who posted it..but someone mentioned that it sounded like my bf was suffering from "PAWS"...and upon reading about this..sounded identicle to his situation.
He's completely stopped calling me...and I have done the same. He's content in texting me still and I allow it because I do like hearing from him. I ask him how he's doing and we text about the weather usually. Nothing deep and I'm guessing that's the way he needs it. Some days I deal with it well, other days I'm sooo not okay with it. I miss my bf. BUT, I've stopped telling him that. Also don't even go near the "L" word.
I do have another question. It's been roughly 40 or 42 days since his last drink. He's not in a program to my knowledge. How likely is he to succeed at this? As I said before, he won't talk to me about it. There have been brief texting moments of him "not feeling so well" the last few days. That was when I did a lot of reading and suggested he do the same..only for him to make a joke out of it. I emailed him and told him that I had read what he was feeling was normal and still suggested that he read about it.
I am no longer concerned (well yeah I am) about "our relationship"...it's not the important thing. I AM concerned about his health. He seems to be doing everything else right..just not being in a program. I worried that because he was so sick with his liver...and that NOW that he HAS to quit drinking he's using THAT to quit drinking...and NOT the fact that he's an alcoholic. Make any sence? In other words...life or death..he chooses life and therefore quits drinking. But in the long run...because he's healthy...and hasn't really SAID he's an alcoholic...will forget about how sick he was...and not be able to resist a relapse. Which could kill him.
I cannot even have a conversation with him about the weather...much less about "a program". He's been through AA before..and refused it then. Is it possible to fully recover without a program? I mean, like people quit smoking...cold turkey, and sometimes it works.????
I've done so much reading about it. I realize that even if I have the knowledge...it may only serve as just that. If I cannot talk to him..then I cannot share my knowledge. BUT, knowing for me also allows me to be able to give him space and slowly get over not being with him.
Again, thanks for all the information.
D
He's completely stopped calling me...and I have done the same. He's content in texting me still and I allow it because I do like hearing from him. I ask him how he's doing and we text about the weather usually. Nothing deep and I'm guessing that's the way he needs it. Some days I deal with it well, other days I'm sooo not okay with it. I miss my bf. BUT, I've stopped telling him that. Also don't even go near the "L" word.
I do have another question. It's been roughly 40 or 42 days since his last drink. He's not in a program to my knowledge. How likely is he to succeed at this? As I said before, he won't talk to me about it. There have been brief texting moments of him "not feeling so well" the last few days. That was when I did a lot of reading and suggested he do the same..only for him to make a joke out of it. I emailed him and told him that I had read what he was feeling was normal and still suggested that he read about it.
I am no longer concerned (well yeah I am) about "our relationship"...it's not the important thing. I AM concerned about his health. He seems to be doing everything else right..just not being in a program. I worried that because he was so sick with his liver...and that NOW that he HAS to quit drinking he's using THAT to quit drinking...and NOT the fact that he's an alcoholic. Make any sence? In other words...life or death..he chooses life and therefore quits drinking. But in the long run...because he's healthy...and hasn't really SAID he's an alcoholic...will forget about how sick he was...and not be able to resist a relapse. Which could kill him.
I cannot even have a conversation with him about the weather...much less about "a program". He's been through AA before..and refused it then. Is it possible to fully recover without a program? I mean, like people quit smoking...cold turkey, and sometimes it works.????
I've done so much reading about it. I realize that even if I have the knowledge...it may only serve as just that. If I cannot talk to him..then I cannot share my knowledge. BUT, knowing for me also allows me to be able to give him space and slowly get over not being with him.
Again, thanks for all the information.
D
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