alone and cold

Old 01-19-2008, 07:55 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: oxford, pa
Posts: 31
alone and cold

i'm pretty new here. i've been reading the posts for the last few weeks and i love what you all have to say. sorry this is so long.
i'm trying to come to a better understanding of what the heck is going on in my life. i have been married to my ah for 20 years and we were together for 10 years before that. we have two sons, 20 and 15 who are both good students, good kids, one in college and one in high school. my ah has only been drinking for the last 4 years or so. before that he was getting stoned since about the age of 15 or so. i grew up in a good natured happy family, no history of addiction or abuse.
i don't understand why i got mixed up in the situation i am now in. he was diagnosed with severe depression about 12 years ago, went to councelling and started meds. then he stopped. since then, it has just been one thing after the other. there was the computer porno addiction, the phone chat escapade, more depression/bipolar episodes, then he started to drink. i have kicked him out twice before, before he started to drink,but he has come back. when he asked what i wanted, i just told him he needed to grow up.
now he is drunk all the time. i honestly don't know what his boss must be thinking, he reeks of beer at all hours of the day. and he has started "hoarding". our bedroom, where i no longer sleep, is full of cardboard boxes of junk, as is the cellar, garage,barn and wagonshed.
about a year ago, i called his brother, who came to visit and took ah to doctor, then helped get him into outpatient rehab for a couple of weeks. after about a month he started back with the drink.
during this time, he inherited a chunk of money from his family. he was drunk when we went to invest it, and now complains that he doesn't know where his money is or how to get to it (altho he found it when he wanted to buy a new motorcycle) he complains when i spend money on the house for plumbing and repairs altho we have been living with no central heat for 26 years(we heat with a woodstove and he used to split the wood, but now doesn't do that and we don't have anymore than enough for this winter). we could afford to put some in now, but he gets beligerent when i bring it up.
i have been to talk to a lawyer who advised me to get the heat in before i boot him out. i am waiting for the heating contractor to give me a start date.
in the mean time, he comes home and goes to bed and passes out. he makes a drunken mess and gets mad when i tell him to clean it up. he drives all over the yard listening to the radio in his car with the heater on because the house is so cold. today, he was blowing the horn at some pigeons flying over the pasture.
both our sons have told me to get rid of him.
i am looking forward to the day, but am completely out of patience. al-anon has been a Godsend for me.
it is not a problem to detach from someone i no longer love, but just a very sad process to watch this person be devoured by the disease.
any insight would be appreciated.
i'm tired of being angry and resentful, i'm basically a happy person.
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:10 PM
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Joyful, Welcome!! .... I am so sorry you are having a difficult time of it and I am so glad you found us and you finally posted! As you have seen there are many wonderful people here, all willing to help in what ever way they can. You are not alone, and I hope you get the heat going! I do not have an addicted spouse but an addicted child but the drill is the same, we didn't cause it , we can't control it and we can't cure it. There will be many people right along behind me soon with lots of good stuff to share....take care of you, post lots, hugs,
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:32 PM
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Wipe your paws elsewhere!
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Sounds like there is a lot more going on with your husband than just alcoholism. I'm glad to see you're taking steps to protect yourself and restore sanity to your life.

I think it's a smart plan to have central heating installed in your home before you start divorce proceedings. Can you access the money without your husband's signature?
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Old 01-19-2008, 09:12 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: oxford, pa
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thank you grateful and former for your welcome!!
i love the dog, i have a german shepherd and a labrador!!
yes, there is alot more than drinking going on here.
although AH was drunk when we went to invest his inheritance and the banker put it in joint names...who was i to argue with that??
so, yes, i can access money for some heat without his"permission".
i was hoping to have the heat put in and him put out while my oldest son was home on holiday from college, but couldn't get the contractor here that quickly.
i find myself resenting doing chores that i feel AH should be doing. then i remind myself that when he's gone, i will still have to do them. somehow, i don't think i will mind it that much then.
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Old 01-19-2008, 09:21 PM
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dear joyful,
what a lot you are dealing with. you must be so tired.

the history you describe here sounds like mental illness to me. (i realize bipolar is mental illness, but i am thinking there is another link).

you certainly have an addict husband...but i think one with perhaps serious mental illness, and information about that would help you find your footing in the days and months and years ahead (he will always be your sons' father).

NAMI is the association for people with mental illness and their families and your local chapter may be able to give you some information.

take good care of yourself. don't isolate. seek information like you're starving and it's food.
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Old 01-20-2008, 07:27 AM
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Thread Starter
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Location: oxford, pa
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thanks bluejay!
in the years before he started drinking,but was using drugs, he/we were involved with therapists and psychiatrists ad nauseum. after finally starting to go to alanon this year, i am seeing alot of similarities- especially the cant cure or control it and didnt cause it, and how sick and tired i have become trying to back paddle the boat that is going over the edge real quick.
at first years ago when my therapist suggested alanon,you know al anon was scary to me. now i can see that i wasted all that time hoping he would get better.
he is still someone with an illlness who refuses to seek treatment and help.
i am struggling with the how-to of getting him out of my house.
do i simply tell him i want him out and file for divorce?
do i boot him to rehab once again but then refuse to let him come back?
or is that just a last ditch attempt at control?
the last time i kicked him out, it was in a fit of anger over the latest lunacy whatever that was. i don't even want to waste that much energy on him anymore.
the more i think, the more confused i become, it seems.
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Old 01-20-2008, 07:40 AM
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Joyful - Try to take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time. You will soon have the heat issue taken care of, so one less thing to worry about. I am signing papers tomorrow to file for divorce from my AH. I understand how you are feeling right now; I couldn't even begin to get my brain around all the "what ifs" -- and feeling guilty the whole time that I was brining this all on myself -- "why can't I just be happy". But you know what -- I just did what I had to do each and every day and tackled issues one at a time. The path and the process got clearer and clearer. I had to have faith in my HP that things would workout, that he had a plan and the answers would be there when I needed them (or when I was ready for them?). Keep doing what you need to do and taking care of yourself and your sons. Make a little progress every day and you will get there!!!
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Old 01-20-2008, 09:42 AM
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I would seek the counsel of an attorney. Given all of your husband's mental problems, he may need someone to act in his behalf. We did a divorce once where the wife was bi-polar, obsessive compulsive and would deliberately hurt herself (like taking a pair of tweezers to her face). After filing for divorce (on behalf of the husband), we asked the court to appoint a guardian ad litem for the wife. This was for the husband's protection, as well as hers. Instead of spending all that money to upgrade your current home, is there anyway YOU could use it to set yourself up someplace else? This would solve your problem about how to remove him from the home.
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:13 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
Hi - I just wanted to say welcome to you. As yiu can see by the replies- yu are not alone. I am new here myself and still elarning how to cope with it all.

one of many things I have stopped is bugging him. Where you said about him cleaning up his mess - i just leave it - G smashed a wine galss the other day - it was all over the counter - he just left it there, I know thinking I would clean it cause I hate mess- i only picked up the smaller pieces that hit the floor so the dogs would not get cut - but other than that I was and would have worked around it until he did it himself - I do not ask him too - I just leave it.. seems to work - in the am by the time I got up... it was a cleaned up - by saying nothing - stops the fights - I do not get mad - I just do nothing... oh it is peaceful

anyways welcome again ...

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Old 01-20-2008, 12:28 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You should talk to your attorney about how to get him out of the house as every state has different laws. I filed for divorce two weeks ago and my AH is out signing the lease on his apartment right now, I told him that if he was not out by the end of the month that I would get an emergency support order and force him to pay his share of the household bills (he is used to spending all of his pay on himself).
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Old 01-20-2008, 07:47 PM
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Wipe your paws elsewhere!
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thank you grateful and former for your welcome!!
i love the dog, i have a german shepherd and a labrador!!
In addition to the little black and white dog on my avatar, I, too, have a german shepherd and a labrador, and a chow to round out my pack. Glad to have another animal lover on the forum.
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Old 01-21-2008, 11:24 AM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: oxford, pa
Posts: 31
Thank you all sooooo much for support and ideas!!! it is good to hear from people who are going through it or have been there done that!!
The reason I am not leaving him is because it is my house, been in my family for years and my sons and I have title to the place. I don't want to sell and move. He is the one who has to move out.
Meanwhile, I am keeping the woodstove burning and waiting to hear from the heating contractor tomorrow!!
my good friend who has been sober for 20 years (!!!!) asked me "what are you doing running an insane asylum without a license?" hit the nail right on the head, that one!!
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Old 01-21-2008, 11:46 AM
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Welcome BlueJay!

Glad to see that you are taking care of yourself-

Keep moving forward and the happiness that you know is there will be back with you soon!
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