wonderingwhen

I have been reading posts here for the past couple days and thought that I would seek some help / advice from people with similar situations.

To put everyone up to speed.....

I have been dating my girlfriend for 8 years. We started dating in highschool and dated through college and after. The last three years I have realized that she is an alcoholic. We have been to counseling together and she has even done an out-patient rehab program. She recently got her second DUI and is now going to inpatient rehab (her choice). Her father is also an alcoholic.

Over the past three years I have given my undying support through all the turmoil / drinking. I have finally figured out that there is nothing that i can do to make her stop drinking.

I have given several ultimatums and threats in the past saying that I will not be with her if she continues to drink. I usually fail to follow through on these threats except for one time when I asked her to move out until she could get her problem under control. She started seeing someone else for a couple weeks then broke it off. We got back together and she was not drinking for a couple months. Things got stressful at her work and she ended up quitting her job and going on a week long binge where I ended up driving to a different state to pick her up from the hospital (second dui).

I love her soo much but find it extremely difficult to deal with the alcoholism issue. Currently I am struggling with whether or not to continue this support. The classic should I stay or should I go. She is going into a 28 day inpatient rehab program (her choice). However, it seems like we have been through this in the past and I am not sure if the rehab will work. I want to get married and have a family someday and am not sure if I will ever have the trust needed to do this.

I also went to my first alanon meeting today and the message seems to be focus on yourself and live one day at a time. But I don't know if I want to live one day at a time. I want to focus on the future and on starting a family

I guess I am struggling with staying by her side through rehab to see if it works or to move on....

I am sure I left some wholes in the story, but would be glad to hear thoughts and opinions on the matter.

carolineb

Dear Wondering~

I am new to these boards and they have really been helpful.

I just broke off a relationship after 2 years. It took me a long time to figure out that my boyfriend was truly an alcoholic.

Here's what I've learned....you are doing your girlfriend NO favors by sticking around. Why should she change her behavior when you remain the same?

You need to turn your back on her. I know....easier said than done, but you keep hoping something is going to get fixed.....and you need to stop waiting around to find out. You need to live separately from her and try to move on with your life.

Mourn this loss and all that you hoped it would be. It will take time, healing, friends and therapy. I'm doing it now and it is one of the most excruciating things I've ever been through....but you know what???? I deserve better.....and I know it. You should too.

ccirider

Hi Wonderingwhen:

I think that you misspelled enabling. Yes, what you would call support, I would call enabling. You are not supporting her by enabling her.

Do you want to get married to somebody you think has the potential to be a good mom some day, or do you want to get married to somebody who could be a good mom right now? I am not telling you what to do, but I think you need to ask yourself this question.

Your GF has an alcoholic father, which means she was neglected as a child. She is neglecting herself, and you, by continuing to drink, so what do you think she is going to do to your child when you have one? Do you want to take that chance? You don't have to look very far to see what being AcoA can do to kids since your GF is one.

With a good therapist to help her, she could get healthy. Unless she faces her past, and resolves those issues, the odds of her getting sober and staying sober are not very good.

Mr. Christian

One day at a time.
Well yeah that’s the reality of it when you deal with being addicted to an addict.

If you want to look at the future, then do that to.
But there is no future on the path that you have and God help you id try to start a family with someone that is drinking away their life.


We all want that picket fence around the house. Trouble is we don’t have the tools to build it sometimes.

atalose

I think it's great you are begining to attend alanon meeting I hope you stick with them. I also hope you learn as much as you can about addiction about living with relapse and knowing it could happen at any time.

You want things out of life that she may never be able to give you or to children. It's only a chance you know if you can take or not.

Often when the pain of staying becomes more then the pain of leaving you will do what is right for you.

kj21

I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks!! There is no way of knowing if your GF will get or stay sober. there is no way to know how long it may take or how long she stays sober. Life with an alcholic or addict is one day at a time. I am currently living apart and letting him deal with his own issues. I need to see how he deals with this on his own. If in a year or so, he is sober and can show me he is doing well, and I am still available, then we'll talk about a future. It is hard to turn your back on them when they are trying to do the right thing, but I believe they need to do this on thier own. for themselves, not to save a relationship.

daisies

I can only tell you from my experience that life with an alcoholic is a roller coaster. If that is what you want to ride then hop on. If not, then I would suggest that you get off and get off now. I married my AH only to have him drink every single day of our marriage. I finally had had enough after 13 years to get off the roller coaster.

After reading your email it seems to me that you know what you need to do it. You need to trust your gut.

I wish you the best.

wonderingwhen

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. You all know how hard this is (that's why your on here) which is what I am struggling with right now. My GF is such a wonderful person when she is Sober. She could go months at a time with out touching a drink, but the moment something stressful comes up in her life she turns to the bottle.

She has tried to get help before, but has yet to do the inpatient treatment. I know my support is probably enabling her to continue to drink, but how do you turn your back on someone at their lowest point?

She is entering rehab tomorrow and all I told her is that I need time to think about our relationship. I also told her that she should be doing the rehab for herself and not to save the relationship.

I know what I probably should do, but I don't know if I have the heart to do it.

Barbara52

You don't have to rush to a decision. You have the whole 28 days to think about what you want and what you should do. Take advantage of this time apart and the associated peace and calm to take a good look at what you want going forward.

Zak68

New to the boards here as well and let me tell you it is a roller coaster like they said above. I always knew my wife liked to drink and never looked deeper to see the problem that was always under the surface.

The last 4 years I have been struggling with our relationship and her promises that "I will get better" that I heard over and over. It is so much harder once you make that commitment to marry to break it off. I have 2 kids, mortgage and all the other fine things that life throws your way as you get older. Had my wife done all this while we were dating I would have moved on, it would have broken my heart as I loved her dearly and still do to some extent but now I look at her and wonder where that person is I married and who this ugly person is in her place.

I think you need to look within. How many times has she told you she will get better? How many times has she been sober only to fall off again and again? How many more times will it happen?

Life doesn't get any easier once you get married and if she can't handle the daily stresses of life now I feel it will only get worse if you take your relationship further and start a family.

Give up on her? Never, every person needs someone who believes in them to help them out.
Continue the relationship? That is something only you can decide but I think you know the answer.

wonderingwhen

Well things changed a bit....

My AGF is not longer going to inpatient care as the county we live in is making it impossible. Since she is going through the dui situation the county will not give her the referral needed to take part in the inpatient program. Instead she has to wait until her trial / legal situation is over. In the meantime she is going to do a 90 day / 90 meetings AA program.

This through me for a loop as I was looking forward to finding myself over the 28 day period and evaluating our relationship.

I asked her to give me some time while she was going through the 90 day / 90 meeting programs and although she did not like it she agreed. This was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life (26 years old).

Now I have no idea what to do.....

Barbara52

You can still take all the time you need to figure our waht you want and need to do. Where she is doesn't matter.

jehnifer

Think a bit right now about your boundaries. What you are willing to tolerate and not tolerate today from her? For example, how much contact do you want with her? What if she slips? And how much support do you give her? whether that be taking her calls, financially or just spending time with her. You need to protect yourself and not get sucked up into her problems. In a few short days you will get a real sense of how serious she is about these meetings and whether her heart is truly open to recovery. Watch for the signs. Does she get a sponsor? She should if she is serious about recovery. Most importantly think about old patterns of your own behaviour and what you might want to do differently starting today - for yourself. Even little things. Dont be afraid of making some changes, because they may actually be just the very things that help her. Detach wtih LOVE.