daisyjen

My husband has been sober for a year this month. I thought all would be hunky-dorey, but, uhhh, its not! Still many issues, and I am not sure I want to even try anymore. Anyway, we have differences of opinion especially with discipline of our sons. I feel like I have raised them alone pretty much for the past 14 yrs, and I am esp protective of our oldest since he bore the brunt of AH's drunken wrath. Son shows little respect for AH when he goes on and on about what I have done wrong in raising them etc. Son will tell AH to shut up and things like that when he says these things. Disrespectful? - yes! but deserved, in my opinion. Son hasnt been respected much by his father most of his life, though there are signs of improvement in their relationship which I am certainly grateful for. Well, this disrespect enrages AH. AH will raise his fist to son as if he is going to hit him. I do not agree with this at all. AH says it's just a threat, he wouldnt actually hit him.Anyway, AH is now saying I am responsible for 50% of the breakup of our marriage if it does happen partly because I wont allow him to discipline our sons the way they need to be. Am I really at fault? Should I stand back and let them work on their relationship without interference - as long it doesnt get physical??

mike_mass

I have 3 kids and have learned it is best NOT to argue with my wife in front of them. Both you and your husband sound like you need anger management therapy. It helped me a lot.

geees poncho

As long as no one gets punched or kicked stay out of it.
Sons and fathers have their own way of dealing with things,
and every 14 YO on the planet is going to test boundaries,
because they know everything and have an sarcastic answer
for everything. Now is when your hubby has a chance to shine,
so stay clear, and don't get involved. Thank god hes sober and has a clear head.

Barbara52

You might to consider family therapy to work on the mulitude of issues.

denny57

I'd work on this within myself. It sounds like a power struggle with some resentments over the past thrown in. Is it something worth working on so you become a team as parents?

geees poncho

Little boys instinktively Know how to manipulate Mommies.
Little girls know how to manipulate daddies.
Mike is right about discussing discipline out of ear shot.
it is important the parents stick together on these issues.

daisyjen

Thanks for your replies...

I do try to leave it alone until the kids are out of the room. I try to diffuse it and tell my son he is being disrespectful right then, but no arguing. AH has physically hurt our oldest and called it discipline on a few occasions, and then dared me to call the cops, throwing every threat out that he could.What stopped me from doing just that? I have no earthly idea! Now, I am stronger and wont allow something to happen that I dont believe is right, esp after the past.....

I understand a teenager is going to test limits, but do they deserve physical threats because of it??

Yes, I have resentment! Duh!!! I have been manipulated, hurt, and verbally and emotionally abused to the core and still get some of that now. Its just been a year since his sobriety and I suffered for 15 plus yrs of marriage.

How can he put down how I have raised OUR kids when he shouldve helped me instead he barely remembers any of it.

I am working on me. I am taking photography classes, something I thoroughly enjoy. This is a BIG step for me. I havent done anything for me EVER! Mostly because he was drunk and I needed to tend to our children's needs.

How is my son manipulating me?

daisyjen

oh, and about counseling... We tried couples counseling this summer. He lied through it and then yelled at me for bringing up issues. He would probably do the same with the family counseling. Besides, he thinks our family is perfect rightnow. He even wants to have his 17 yr old troubled nephew live with us.

LaTeeDa

Have you done any therapy or Alanon? Therapy really helped me work through my resentments. And believe me, I had a huge pile of them! IMO, there is no hope of your marriage working out unless you BOTH find a way to work through these things. Is your husband going to AA or therapy? I, too thought that once mine stopped drinking everything would be okay. It was not. In fact it is only the beginning. It's okay to get professional help.

Also, I would have to agree that you are 50% responsible for the success or failure of the marriage. It's tough for two people to overcome an alcoholic marriage. It can be done, but it takes a lot of work. From BOTH partners.

Best wishes to you,
L

appleblaster

even after an alcoholic becomes sober they are still an alcoholic....just a dry one. the behavior is still part of the problem. that's why they have to stay in the program. when their behavior stinks of manipulation its called a "dry drunk" because the same techniques to get what they want are still being applied.

kj21

Daisyjen, I sympathize with you! I think I would feel the same way. Who is he to decide to become a father figure after 15 years of neglect and tell you you didn't do a good enough job??? I feel he has to earn his sons respect back not demand it. My son is 15. He did tell me once that yes he does play me against my ah sometimes because he is angry with the whole situation. It made me take a look closer before I interfered with thier disagreements. I do not think you husband should ever threaten violence. It teaches your son it is Ok to have that same behavoir to his siblings or others. Just my two cents. Good Luck!!

Pajarito

IMHO- Physical abuse- or even the threat of it is absolutely unacceptable. I grew up with it- and it screwed all of us siblings up. Your husband is older- maybe bigger, and in a position of authority simply because he is your son's father. No wonder your son is angry. I would suggest counseling for everyone. It has worked wonders for me. I also agree that you are responsible for 50% of your marriage- that leaves the other half up to your H. No one can do it alone. I tried for years and got no where. My H also quit drinking a year ago, and I was like you- hoping everything would magically get better. Unfortunately there are a lot of issues that come out of drinking for years and years- getting dry doesn't make those issues disappear.
I counted on my H to make everything better- a lot to ask of one person.

I realize now that I am the only person who can be counted on to make me happy. I am now trying to do that by going to al-anon, reading, journaling, counseling and doing things that make me feel good- creative things- so I can be a good mom to my daughter. Good for you for taking photography- a wonderful outlet. I hope you'll take further steps to take care of yourself and your son. . . Good luck.

Barbara52

So do it without your AH. Or get the kids in individual thereapy. They do need help dealing with all they have been through and it will affect them all their lives unless dealt with. I know since I am now working thru all my issues relating to growing up with alcoholic parents.

daisyjen

Yea, I did go to counseling and after every session, AH would grill me on what was said. One day, I told him how she disagreed with his military style discipline and how the chores he would assign them were not age appropriate. ie - having an 11yr old wash/detail a minivan to perfection. He got angry and told me I was seeing a kook. "thats whats wrong with this world, women dont know how to discipline their kids." After being harrassed every time I went, I eventually quit going.

I went to Alanon once and didnt feel at all comfortable. I have social anxiety and do better one on one. I have several books that I refer to and also this site helps me almost daily.

Wait, I thought I didnt cause, cant control or cure the alcoholism. How can I be responsible for the failure of our marriage that alcoholism destroyed??????

daisyjen

And I do think I will get the kids in therapy, esp the 15 yr old and 12 yr old. My oldest has a bit of social anxiety too, so I think it will be pretty difficult for him.

Lilyflower

Neglect implies he deliberately went out of his way to not be there for his kids...

Lets not forget, here is a man, who for whatever reasons, fell to depending on alcohol. He, like many others with an addiction, messed up alot during that time he was 'using'. He has now managed to become sober, AND keep that way for a year. This is huge for him! Yes, he still has issues to deal with, but so do we all. One year sober is just the beginning. I really don't think it fair that he should be 'punished' for his past. He has every right to be a father figure now. Inside he may desperately want that respect from his children, but not know how to get that. He is falling back on pre-learned behaviours. He still has a long way to go in his recovery.

There seems to be alot of resentment here. I thoroughly believe that a relationship that cannot forgive will go nowhere. He has made mistakes, he is trying, give the fella a break!

As for the threatening behaviour, this is not healthy. I think he does need further therapy/counselling or anger management. Until he has addressed his underlying issues, he is not a recovered A, as said already, he is merely a dry drunk.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

Lilyflower

I think that since the alcohol is no longer in the picture, your marriage is just suffering from two people who have spent so long not communicating and living separate lives that you don't know how to come together as a couple anymore. This is something that is 50-50. I think that may be what was meant.

Lily xxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

He is responsible for his alcoholism. He is responsible for his behaviors. And you are responsible for yours. As Lily said, punishing him for the past is not going to help anyone. A marriage is by definition, two people.

When I look at what is happening in the present through a filter of the past, I am not seeing clearly. This is not to say that what is going on now is acceptable, only that it's hard to do the right thing now if I'm still dwelling in the past.

L

daisyjen

Right, and he decided to get sober the minute I was out the door and out of love for him. I was done with the marriage. I stayed in the house and allowed him to stay because I am a codie and somehow felt bad for him. And now its a year later...


"He has made mistakes, he is trying, give the fella a break!"

Wheres my break??? Sorry, I guess I am not where I should be yet.

Barbara52

So if you are so dissatisfied with your life with your AH, what are you doing to change that? What do you want to do going forward?