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Very Upset, scared, frustrated, worried, sympathetic...I'm so mixed up

Old 01-17-2008, 07:43 AM
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Very Upset, scared, frustrated, worried, sympathetic...I'm so mixed up

Hi all,

This is my first posting on the site...please forgive me if i'm a bit mixed up.

I've been married to a fantastic man for jut over 6 months...there is only one problem. He drinks...a lot. Every day. And i'm getting to the end of my tether. He had a problem before we got married and has done for some time. His father and Grandfather both had drinking problems. But he was ok for a fair few months before the wedding which is why i went ahead with it. Since the wedding it's gone from bad to worse. I'm in a living nightmare. Screaming and shouting. He's not been violent apart from when i got so angry i pushed him out of the flat, he pushed me back. But things have been broken in the flat, by both of us out of frustration.

I know he loves me and wants it to work, but the drink has such a hold on him that i dont know if there's anything i can do to get him out of it.

I've tried to be sympathetic, talk to him try to understand and support him when he's down, but he lies to me about how much he's had to drink or even if he's had a drink. I try to tell him that i can tell from the signs and that i won't be angry with him, but he still lies and that's what really gets me angry as he's insulting my inteligence. I know it maybe because he doesn't want to admit it to himself so he wont' tell me or he's trying to protect me, but it's so frustrating!

He's not working at the moment and hasn't been for the past 3 years, but this is not due to alcohol, but it still gives him more opertunity to drink. Although he doesn't have the money it doesn't stop him. He steals it. He's been caught from a shop stealing in our neighbourhood and banned from the shop and i had to pay out 200 pounds to them for all the stock they calculated that he stole...i think they under calculated. I know many people will say i should have left him, but I just feel for him so much.

We found out he had MS in Sept 06 and it's just got worse. The alcohol effects him and does make his symptoms so much worse. For him having a beer is like a normal person having 2 or 3. So a bottle for him is 2 or 3 for everyone else.

He use to drink with his dad when he was in university and associates it with good times and laughter. His father passed away in 2002 and he started drinking to drown his sorrows and it's been a downward spiral ever since. It just seems to me that he was never taught to deal with his feelings. It's seems to be a problem with his family. They would rather not face a problem then deal with it. THey'll do anything to forget it. Drink for him, drugs for others.

We recently came back from New York where we went on our honeymoon for 10 days, we're in Cyprus so the flight for us from Cyprus to uk and to new york took most of the day. All in all we were gone for about 12 days. And those were the best of my life.

I dont' talk to my friends about my life. I dont' tell them what i'm going through. I feel so alone, and i have no where to turn to.

He say's he wants help and to go to AA meetings, so i've printed out a list of where and when they are and i've even offered to go to open meetings with him, but i've told him now he has the information, it's down to him to decide to go and if he wants me to go with him.

If he doesn't go I can see our marriage finishing before our first year is up. I know this sounds like i'm writing it off and not giving it much of a chance...I want it to work so much, but i'm in hell, and scared and don't want to live like this. The stress has effected my health to the point where i'm in hospital, have developed exzema, anxiety, panic attacks, virtigo and other symptems. Well i think it's due to the stress..I could be wrong..

I guess what i want is someone faceless to talk to and who might understand, tell me what i'm doing wrong in helping him and maybe point me to the right thing. I know i can't do it for him, but i might be able to help.

Thanks for reading. I just need to get it out.
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Old 01-17-2008, 07:51 AM
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Welcome. You have found a great place for information and support.

First off, you are doing nothing wrong! You cannot make him change. Only he can decide he wants to change himself. You say you have given him a list of AA meetings. The next step is up to him. He is an adult and can find his own way to the help he needs.

What you can do is learn about alcoholism and how its affecting you, seek help thru AlAnon or therapy and reading/posting in here. Only you can decide what you want for your life and take actions to provide that life for yourself.
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Old 01-17-2008, 08:09 AM
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Hello ther CypGirl, welcome to SR.

I can completely relate. Firstly let me tell you that you are not alone. I am so happy you found this site. I came here in October, just like you, feeling sick with the stress, frustrated, upset, angry. Its a horrible mix of feelings, but it can be made better.

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...I'm in a living nightmare. Screaming and shouting. He's not been violent apart from when i got so angry i pushed him out of the flat, he pushed me back. But things have been broken in the flat, by both of us out of frustration...
This was me and my abf. We pushed each other about a few times, once I gave him a black eye just but hitting him. This scared me, I didn't believe I could be capable of abusing a person, yet I did, out of frustration, anger, hurt, all my unresolved feelings were just building up inside me and they needed to come out in some way. Sometimes I would just smash things up to release it, because I knew I couldn't hold it in and I really didn't know how to let it go.

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...i dont know if there's anything i can do to get him out of it....
Unfortunately, there isn't alot you can do, other than begin to heal yourself and behave towards him in a different way. I have found that when I began healing myself, exploring my codependency, looking at my role in the whole situation and understanding how this could lead to our outbursts, my abf began to change too.

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...He's been caught from a shop stealing in our neighbourhood and banned from the shop and i had to pay out 200 pounds to them for all the stock they calculated that he stole....
This is what is known as enabling. He needs to feel the results of his behaviour. Have you read the stickies? They are at the top of the forum. There are a few great ones, especially those on the three act play, boundaries and abuse.

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...I dont' talk to my friends about my life. I dont' tell them what i'm going through. I feel so alone, and i have no where to turn to....
If you don't feel comfortable talking to your friends at the moment, come here and talk to us! Also try to find an al-anon meeting in your area, they have their own web site.

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...He say's he wants help and to go to AA meetings, so i've printed out a list of where and when they are and i've even offered to go to open meetings with him, but i've told him now he has the information, it's down to him to decide to go and if he wants me to go with him...
This is great. Let him move himself forward, he is a grown up and can do it himself if he wants. I made the mistake of continually nagging my abf, which just opened the rift further between us.

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...have developed exzema, anxiety, panic attacks, virtigo and other symptems. Well i think it's due to the stress..I could be wrong...
I'd say your body is crying out for you to change your ways. Carrying all this around with you is obviously taking its toll. Look after yourself! Be gentle to yourself and don't forget to pamper you as much as you can. no one else is going to do that for you!

Read up on those stickies, and click any of our names to read our histories. This site is great for support and wisdom. I hope you stick around and keep posting!

Love and blessings to you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-17-2008, 05:37 PM
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Lying about when, if, and how much they have been drinking is common. Just quit asking and/or trying to force a confession out of him. You can go to bed tonight secure in the knowledge that he is an alcoholic and he lies about his drinking. You will never get him to admit it, so save your energy. It is what it is.

Until I learned how to deal with this disease, I lived in stress and was physically sick, myself. You've given him a list of AA meetings, now find a list of Alanon meetings for yourself. He's not the only one who needs help.
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Old 01-17-2008, 06:41 PM
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Hi CG- I hope you enjoyed New York. I like giving tourists directions - I hope everyone was friendly and accomodating.

I once made my exAH a list of all the local AA meetings with links to google maps with directions from our house to the meeting. It didn't stop him from drinking.

I tried to love him through his "issues", and they were plentiful - tears about his parents, his cruel siblings, his terrible workmates, even stories about how he was kept in the basement as an infant. Yes, I held his 40-something-year-old hand while he bemoaned how his parents didn't love him unconditionally. It didn't stop him from drinking.

I kicked him out. He cried and begged to come home. I told him he could if he stopped drinking. He didn't.

What I'm getting at here is that his drinking is beyond your control. Your tears, your anger, your accomodation or rejection, your love are immaterial when it comes to his drinking.

He doesn't work. He steals. He drinks. Honestly he doesn't sound like he's very good for you. Who paid for this honeymoon, or on whose credit was it charged? Did you buy the ring too? You don't have to answer if you don't want, but if you engineered everything, maybe you've engineered this whole relationship. I can say that cause I"ve done the same thing cause I am a codie and try to control everything too.

I don't know about UK law, but in the US there would be a chance for an annullment, if you wanted to explore that possibility.

Anyway, come back to NY soon. We like visitors very much!
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Old 01-17-2008, 07:31 PM
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welcome cg - you have found the right place for the most amazing support ever.. read, post, listen, read some more - most have all been where we are headed...

it is hard - that i do jnow - I am new here as well but what I have learned in my short time here has saved my sanity more times than i can count

keep posting and welcome glad you found us

shakarris
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Old 01-17-2008, 07:35 PM
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Welcome! You will get a lot of good advise, words of wisdom and much to think about. Im still new too and overcoming the anger and frustration seems so far off, but many here have gotten there so I just look forward to that.

So much of what you said sounds so familiar, I wish you well.
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Old 01-17-2008, 11:04 PM
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Red face

Hey CypGirl, as everyone says you've come to the right place to find support and share the things that you can't share with your friends or family.

In reading your posting, it strikes me that you really probably do know the answers to your questions, deep inside your heart. You just may not be ready to listen, which is OK too. We've all been there.

In many ways I wish I had disentangled from my AH early in our marriage when I saw some red flags. It would have been so much less complicated than when we have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 dogs, car payments, college tuition, etc.

But it's up to you to decide how you want to live your life and what your boundaries are. Regardless you've landed in a good place for support, advice, hugs, and a shoulder to lean on.
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Old 01-18-2008, 06:33 AM
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Firstly I would like to thank everyone for their replies and their warm welcomes. I would also like to ask for your forgiveness as i don't know how to do the fancy quotes that people know how to do...

Barbara52 - Thank you for your quick reply yesterday. I did read it but I wasn't in the frame of mind to reply. I think yesterday was a bad day for me...I think it's also cos time of the month that i felt more emotional then normal. But thank you for your reply and your encouragement that I'm not doing anything wrong. That did make me feel better..

Lilyflower - Thank you also for your reply. The part of your msg about giving him a black eye was so familiar. Although i've not given him a black eye, i have caused him cuts and bruses from pushing him. And yes your right I think it is due to frustration. It seems that you really understand what i meant in every part of that msg. Thank you for not making me feel like a freak, or that i was over reacting or going crazy.

hope2bhappy - Thank you for encouraging me to find a group that can help me as well as one that can help my husband. I didn't actually think of it. I've looked into it and its something I want to do...hoping that they have meetings here in Limassol.

WantsOut - Yes I do feel that his drinking is beyond my control. But I want him to want to control it, not for me to control it. Although I am a MAJOR control freak. Maybe that's one of the problems of why I do blow up SO easily. I don't like being out of control. Thats why i don't drink and have never even done drugs once. I don't like the thought of losing control. Maybe that's also why I don't understand what he's going through.

I didn't buy the ring or pay for the honeymoon. We are Cypriot and our wedding was paid for by gifts from guests...wedding over here are not the same as in the UK or in the USA. everything is paid for after the event and guest gifts more then cover the wedding.

I agree with you tho. It doesn't sound that he is very good for me. And at times i do think i would be better off alone. I guess I'm just not ready to give up on him yet. Yes his drinking does effect how i feel about him, and that's not a good sign, but I just can't walk away...not yet anyway...But my motto is never say never..

Oh and NY was fantastic and the people were lovely. Very helpful and friendly. I'll def be coming back...there's still so much i wanna see

shakarris and by myself again - Thank you both for your warm welcome and letting me know that i'm not alone in this.

beaglebaby - Thank you also for your welcome - I guess only time will tell if i am making a mistake. I think I just need to keep trying right now. I'm not ready to turn away.

I did go home yeterday and we talked. He was a bit drunk but not as much as other time, and was able to understand what i was saying. weather it sunk in or he felt the words is another matter, but he could understand what the words meant together.

We went out for a drive to talk as there was less chance for an argument. Everytime i felt as if i was getting angry or frustrated i told him, and why and it seemed to help. I gave him the list and told him to tell me if and when he wanted to go. He did start crying and said he wanted help, that he felt so depressed because of the life he is in and doesn't like it. He say's he wants to be normal. I know that you've all probably heard this, and i know that it may jsut be a line, or that they mean it but don't follow through. But I live in hope.

This morning i took him (he doesn't have a license..never has) to his new job to register and give his details to start on Tuesday. I'm hoping that the fact that he has a job will help him to concentrate on something else and not sit at home board and want a drink.

He did txt me an hour ago and say that he wanted a drink. He's finding it hard, but he wants to try and not have a drink. but that he is finding it very hard. I spoke to him a while ago and i tried to listen to the signs that he is drunk (I think it's becoming a habbit). He just sounded down and depressed, and i think that he's a bit confused, but i don't know if that's due to drink tiredness or the MS. So i'm trying not to think too much of it.

Again thank you all for your support and kind words. They do mean a lot to me. I haven't read many stickies or posts, as i'm at work and this is my private thing and don't want him to know about it just yet...It's my escape if you want....

:ghug
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Old 01-18-2008, 07:14 AM
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Welcome Cyp.....glad that you found us! SR is filled with a lot of great support! Keep posting! Know that you are not alone in this!

A lot of great advice given up above!

I would suggest to you to try to keep the focus on YOU!

What I'm getting at here is that his drinking is beyond your control. Your tears, your anger, your accomodation or rejection, your love are immaterial when it comes to his drinking-WantsOut
This is something that takes time to allow it to get through to our brain! Trust me it took me a long time-everyone however is different! But please know this much that this is so true "beyond your control" we each have choices in our lives and the choices that I made in my life differ from the choices I make today-because of Al-Anon, counseling, SR...I have become aware that the only control that I have is over myself!
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Old 01-18-2008, 08:10 AM
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Rella927 - Thank your for your welcome. I do have to learn to spend more time on me and less on my AH. I do love him, but i know that i can't control him so must stop trying. It's just hard. I just wanna shake him out of it, but i know that will never work.

I just called AH (not to check on him, but to remind him that he needs to take his injection out of the fridge for his MS). I was afraid as he didnt answer the phone for ages. I thought oh my god he's in a drunken sleep. When he did eventually answer he sounded tired, but Sober...I know this isn't the start and i know that on monday we'll go back to him drinking unless he gets help, but it's such a relife to know that he's not drunk. The thing is he doesn't drink at night or when i'm with him. He doesn't try...Ok that's a lie...he's done it a few times when he's continued to drink what he has hidden, but i can count those times on my fingers. I know it's gonna be a step back on Monday, but for now i'm gonna be happy that he's not drunk and revel in a normal life for one night. These are the nights that I love! He's the man i know he can be!!!
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Old 01-18-2008, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
Yes I do feel that his drinking is beyond my control. But I want him to want to control it, not for me to control it. Although I am a MAJOR control freak. Maybe that's one of the problems of why I do blow up SO easily. I don't like being out of control.
Understanding that I have no control in any way whatsoever over my AH's drinking and all the associated problems was one of the hardest things for me. It took quite a while to get the intellectual understanding to turn into an understanding in my gut. Once I truly got that part, dealing with my AH became much clearer.
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Old 01-18-2008, 09:12 AM
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Hi CypGirl, I'm glad I was able to relate. I was so ashamed of my actions towards my abf at one time, I was equally responsible for our outbursts, but would often play the 'victim' after we had quarrelled. I have had to do alot of work on my temper, understanding where it originates from and healing that part of me. I realised that my frustration arose from not being able to 'control' him. If he wouldn't act/behave the way I wanted him to, I would get upset, then angry, play the 'blame game' become verbally abusive etc. All this only fuelled the fire and abf reacted in defense, frustration and anger. he too would play the 'blame game' become verbally abusive etc, things would just spiral out of control. Neither one of us were taking responsibility for our feelings and basically just acting like a pair of rebellious teenagers! Thankfully, we are both moving away from that now! You are by no means a freak or going crazy! We all try to fix and control in order to make our life as suffering free as possible, its human nature. For me, I just needed to learn healthy and practical ways to do this, namely by first understanding that controlling was completely out of my hands!

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...I would also like to ask for your forgiveness as i don't know how to do the fancy quotes that people know how to do...
Never feel you need to ask forgiveness! You can quote by clicking the 'quote' icon at the bottom of someone's post. It'll bring the whole post into another screen, where you can edit it. To make separate quotes just copy and paste the '
Originally Posted by ____
'and
symbols to where you want them.

Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
...Everytime i felt as if i was getting angry or frustrated i told him, and why and it seemed to help. I gave him the list and told him to tell me if and when he wanted to go. He did start crying and said he wanted help, that he felt so depressed because of the life he is in and doesn't like it. He say's he wants to be normal... ...He did txt me an hour ago and say that he wanted a drink...
This is great, sounds like the two of you are capable of opening up and sharing your fears and emotions with one another. I find it hugely beneficial to be able to commicate in this way with my abf. In my situation, abf did listen and understand my fears, he began to acknowledge his own and we have been able to move forward through our recoveries together. He is not progressing as fast as I would like, but thats my codependant, controlling side coming through again. I try to be patient and understanding of his problem. I know he wants to stop and at the moment he is doing the best he can for himself, as I am for me.

Lily xxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-19-2008, 01:01 PM
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thank you for your story, cyp-girl. stories help all of us. and i admire you for your decision not to just react but to also act....as you have by coming here.

you are very much in love and newly married, so that means you are nowhere near making a decision to end the marriage. it is too soon and at this point unnecessary.

but there is much work to be done, now that you are fully aware that the disease of addiction is controlling your life and your relationship. i do hope there are meetings locally, for if you start going, over time, just what you need to hear will be said at just the right time for you to hear it. you are deeply committed to this man, so you must do what the experts on addiction say, if you want to have a real chance to change your life.

good books: "the addictive personality" (craig nakken)
"getting them sober" (toby rice drews) and "it's not okay to be a cannibal: how to keep addiction from eating your family alive".

it is important not to be isolated, for an addict is always in complete control when one is isolated with him.

sending you much hope for real change.
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:03 PM
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When did I come to the realization that I was living in denial and that I needed help?

When I described someone who drinks to excess, screams and shouts at me, lies to me, steals from others, and has been unemployed for years as "fantastic."
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Old 01-21-2008, 01:19 AM
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Well we went all weekend and no drink. But today he's at home (he starts work tomorrow). I'm worried about today. He's at home, board. Will he have the strength to keep away from the spirits?
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Old 01-21-2008, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by CypGirl View Post
Well we went all weekend and no drink. But today he's at home (he starts work tomorrow). I'm worried about today. He's at home, board. Will he have the strength to keep away from the spirits?
If you spend so much of your time worrying about something over which you have no influence or control, you are denying yourself that time to work on yourself or to enjoy your life.
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Old 01-21-2008, 06:25 AM
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Never a truer word has been spoken. But how do i stop thinking about something that effects my life so much. I know your right, but as the saying goes, easier said then done. I belive its something that I can learn over a matter of time, but it's not going to be that easy.
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