Shudi_85

I am going to feel kinda stupid for saying this but i don't know what Alanon is?

Barbara52

You can call the police. They will deal with him.

Please do try contacting the abuse hotline in your area. They are called different things but almost all communities have them. They will be able to listen and help. You deserve so much better than what you are living with!

ICU

Yup, call the dv hotline numbers so they can best advise you how to safely handle the situation which will more thank likely involve the police being called so they can remove him.

Barbara52

Don't feel stupid. No ones knows what it is until they learn what it is.

AlAnon is a group for family and friends of alcoholics dedicated to helping us deal with the madness and recover from our various problems that result from living with alcoholics. Many people find it very helpful.

Mair

I agree with anvilhead, LOVE does not conquer all. My deepest sympathy to you Shudi i also have been where you are now i know the pain, but beleive me nothing will change it will only get worse, dont waste your life waiting for the man he could be for the time being he is lost in alcoholism which is the most important thing in his life. Dont kid yourself that he wont survive without you, he will, as long as he has alcohol that's all that counts to him.

Of course he will manipulate you to make you stay (i fall for it all the time) but the chances are you will have to share him with alcohol. what life is that? i'll tell you it's crap and the longer you stay the worse it will get, beleive me ive been there and have only just come out of it AGAIN .

think of you you are worth so much more (this is what i tell myself each morning)

Keep posting, we are all here for you

Mair

hope2bhappy

I think you should run for your life (while you've still got one). I've got a feeling that this guy would be an abuser whether he quit drinking or not. Not all alcoholics are abusers, and not all abusers are alcoholics. I believe the two "diseases" are separate. The abuse just comes out more often with the help of alcohol.

keepingmyjoy

((((Shudi_85))))) Hugs to you, and welcome. My first husband was like yours and the choices you have are certainly scary. At least they were to me!

My Ex went from bad to worse...so bad that I could not tell him I was leaving again. So, one night, I had to wait until he went to take a shower after work, before dinner (yes, I cooked it knowing I was going to walk out), to walk out with my daughters hand in mine, my purse and car keys. I got in the car and drove away. My heart was pounding, knowing that I would have horrendous consequences if caught.

This is a man (and I use that term lightly), that actually beat up my mother for allowing me to live there when I left!!!!!!!

I share this because I had a hard time accepting what I had to do when I was there, being abused, in a fog mentally due to constant fear and abuse. Please do call the DV hotline and check with the police. You have an advantage over me in that it is your apartment only...Find all the options available to you. I made the mistake of not filing for a protection order, and my mom got beat up because of it! In my humble opinion, do everything you can to protect yourself.

Please keep us posted that you are alright...I, for one, will be worrying about you!

bluejay6

dear shudi,

i was married for 2 years to an alcoholic, many years ago, and your words take me back to what it was like for me then.

you are right: you love him and he has a good heart inside. i remember how strongly i knew that, too.

but alcohol made my husband violent. for the first two years he hit cabinets and chairs. then one night he hit me. and that was the turning point for me. i KNEW it would happen again. i was young, no real life experience, but i knew it would happen again.

i moved out. i agreed to marriage counseling but did not let him know my new address. i met him in the counselor's office, and we did that for about 4 months. then...it became clear he did not want to continue the counseling, or the marriage. he could not drink if we reunited. he just could not choose me over addiction. he couldn't give it up.

he used to tell me he would die without me. but he didn't. in fact, he remarried a couple of years later.

i think it is too hard for us sometimes to think logically and rationally about what is best for us. we have been made too crazy by someone's insanity from the disease and our minds simply will not work for us anymore.

what i hope for you is that you can manage to be strong enough to separate from him temporarily. you do not have to see it as the end. that is much too hard. you do not know what the end of the story will be. but you are in danger, everyone is telling you the truth, because he is out of his mind. his heart is good, he is out of his mind. you cannot have a relationship or live with him right now, in that apartment, because he is out of his mind.

if you separate, it does not have to be the ending. it could be a new beginning, with him. you just don't know yet. for now, though, you are in danger. and you know what? i'll bet that deep down he hopes you will separate from him. because i'll bet he is scared to death he might kill you in a blackout.

the sticky on domestic violence.....good reading for you, dear. be careful. and move out.

cagefree

Welcome Shudi - glad you're here

When I stayed with someone who treated me as bad as XABF did, I think it said more about me than him. Active A's will act like active A's. Abusers will act like abusers. Why did I choose to stay with someone abusive and an active A?

Al Anon helped me discover why and set me on the path to correct it, so now I no longer think it's okay to let these people in my life and I can still care about XABF from a safe distance.

BohemiMamaof3

Hey Shudi,

This is the only part I can answer too, since my situation is different, the A in my life is my little brother. My mom and I often found ourselves in similar situations with Abro over the years - like he was injured, sick, homeless or in jail due to his drinking & drugs, and he had nothing and no one else. Except that we found, through trial and error, that every time we helped him, it only prolonged the inevitable with him and he was back drinking & using again. When we stepped back and let him stand or fall on his own is when he actually faced his addictions full on and got some help. He always found someone to help him, and when he ran out of "someones" he turned to recovery programs and that's where he needed to be.

gjfc3

Run baby girl RUN!

You have 2 very seperate issues here... First you have domestic violence; the "cycle of violence" that is defined as the stages and nature of domestic violence from physical violence to the apology or honeymoon stage to manipulation and verbal abuse and once again back to physical violence...all repeating and repeating in a vicious cycle.

Second you are dealing with alcoholism that will definately exacerbate the cycle of violence. It makes your home environment VERY UNSAFE.

I myself have been a victim to both physical and emotional abuse and have been an educator for women dealing with DV for the past 8 years...please call the hotline and get some confidential advice and please try to find a way to get out of there without his knowledge...even if you leave for the store and simply do not come back. You can get escorted in safely with your local police department to get your things if you are unable to take them with you.

Also please be careful and cover your steps at home...clear your history on your computer so he cannot come back and read your posts as he will get enraged. Do not take any chances...

As with alcoholism, an abuser will NOT get better without help...and most generally they do not completely get better with it...but you are not responsible for him. He is a grown man and must take care of himself as such.

Please Please get out and into a safe place. You did NOT asked to be treated like this and you most certainly do NOT deserve it.

Biggest hugs to you
g

Shudi_85

I am careful about coming here because i know his reaction to it wouldn't be good. I don't come here while at home. I go to the library or at work.

We got into a fight last night. I wasn't hit or physically hurt but he knows how to use his words VERY well to make me feel like the lowest thing on the earth. He said what he says to me doesn't matter because i am probably going to leave him anyway and he would prefer to hate me and have me leave then to still be in love with me. He knows i want to leave but last time i tried he took my cell phone, wallet, torn the shirt i was wearing and pinned me to the ground.

Just so all of you that have been giving me advice know i called the police and talked to the DV Hotline people. They said that I should leave and that If i do want help to call and they will send officers over to escort him out of the apartment along with his stuff. I would just leave and take my stuff out break the lease and not come back but I don't even have a car. I take the bus or walk everywhere.

One thing i am scared of is that if i get him removed the the apartment my lease isn't up for 3 months. He will know where I live how can i prevent him from coming to the apartment and doing or trying to do something to me?
A restraining order / protection order is only paper.

geees poncho

Your Right its only paper, powerfull paper,
It maybe hard to do but a couple nights in jail
maybe just what he needs,
arn't you tired of the abuse, it just gets worse.
YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME ACTION

LaTeeDa

It's more than you have now.

L

Lilyflower

Change the locks when he is gone, if he comes back, call the police straight away. The great thing about that piece of paper is that the police will be able to lock him up just for coming too close to you.

Wishing the best for you

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

Pajarito

Ditto on this. Everyone has potential. It's who he is NOW that you can absolutely depend on him being. This has been my biggest lesson over the past 5 months since being separated from my AH. I kept looking for the man I thought he was when I married him. I spent 10 years doing this. Yes- he has potential, but he is NOW exactly who he is. I won't spend another moment trying to make him more responsible, more loving, more involved in family and domestic life. That is not my job. My job is to take care of me.

Physical abuse is unacceptable. He is a "man." Is it acceptable for him to lay a finder on you whether sober or not? What would you tell your best friend if she was being abused? You have to believe you are worth being cherished every day. Please take some of the advice of others here- call a dv hotline and see what your options are. I hope you will keep posting too. Take care.

ARealLady

(((((((Shudi))))))))

I am glad to read you are getting pro-active.

Follow the advice of the DV Hotline people. I would imagine that if you leave your apartment, you would meet up with police officers and they would return with you to escort your A off the premises. But, I think you would be best to have that restraining order/peace bond ready to go. I also think you need to get locks changed immediately after he has left the premises and I would change my cell-phone/land line number too.

Once he has left, please take care of yourself and know that NO CONTACT is for your own mental well-being and safety.

Thinking of you and hoping you are safe and sound.

ARL

ICU

Shudi, that was a HUGE very important step that you took! I know just how much courage it took to do that.

Now that you've made that all important, difficult first phone call(s), may I suggest that you continue the diaglogue with them. They now know your story and can best advise how to handle this.

Changing locks is a great idea. I did the same too! My ex still knows where I live, but, all of the police dept. in the area has his 'number' and knows what he is about. Does a piece of paper in the form of a restraining order serve as protection, well, not in the physical sense. But, if you have it, and he gets caught, in the legal sense, it will be much more difficult for him.

I also gave a copy of the RO to my landlord, as my ex is 'still' on the lease. Another story, another time. By law, even though he's on the lease, my landlord cannot allow him access!!!!

Keep your diaglogue going with the police and DV people. They are the best people that can advise you in how to remain safe.

I wish you the very, very best! Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing!

(((Shudi)))!