Common personality traits.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Common personality traits.
Hi.
I saw a post where you all were listing personality traits of your A, and how shockingly similar they were.
Things like self-absorbed, manipulative, etc.
I read the book "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews last night. (By the way the title of the book is a bit misleading. It should be "The Truth about the monster you're living with")
A chapter of her book addresses the personality trait issue... and, yes, apparently the personality traits that we've all seen are due to the booze. Which is shocking, because the traits carry over into the A's life even when he does not actually have a drink in his hand.
Which for me was a huge shock and eye-opener. Since my A has been drinking ever since I met him 17 years ago, I wonder who I've been living with all these years. Him or the alcohol?
It is a great book. I recommend everybody read it. It will make you feel sane again! She also discusses the issue of how we think we are dependent on the alcoholic, and are afraid to let go, yet in REALITY the A is dependent on us.
I saw a post where you all were listing personality traits of your A, and how shockingly similar they were.
Things like self-absorbed, manipulative, etc.
I read the book "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews last night. (By the way the title of the book is a bit misleading. It should be "The Truth about the monster you're living with")
A chapter of her book addresses the personality trait issue... and, yes, apparently the personality traits that we've all seen are due to the booze. Which is shocking, because the traits carry over into the A's life even when he does not actually have a drink in his hand.
Which for me was a huge shock and eye-opener. Since my A has been drinking ever since I met him 17 years ago, I wonder who I've been living with all these years. Him or the alcohol?
It is a great book. I recommend everybody read it. It will make you feel sane again! She also discusses the issue of how we think we are dependent on the alcoholic, and are afraid to let go, yet in REALITY the A is dependent on us.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Eyes
I have heard of that book and will make an extra effort to get a copy.
Addicts may have a number of characteristics in common, such as low self-esteem, anger, depression and fear, but something that experience has taught me is that when you take away the alcohol and the drugs, often the characteristics are still there, and a big part of working their recovery is to address these issues with anger management, anti-depressants, and through counselling and other methods.
Pernell has a wonderful thread here called "Addictive Personality" and I believe it is among the "powerposts" at the top of either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. It is lengthy, but well worth the read.
I have heard of that book and will make an extra effort to get a copy.
Addicts may have a number of characteristics in common, such as low self-esteem, anger, depression and fear, but something that experience has taught me is that when you take away the alcohol and the drugs, often the characteristics are still there, and a big part of working their recovery is to address these issues with anger management, anti-depressants, and through counselling and other methods.
Pernell has a wonderful thread here called "Addictive Personality" and I believe it is among the "powerposts" at the top of either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. It is lengthy, but well worth the read.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
One common trait
Good thread eyes...
One common tread I rarely hear mentioned at meetings and else where is:
We're all human beings,
( even the a's in our lives) doing the best we can by the light we have today to see by....It took me years to get to the point of realizing that THEY were'nt doin' it to me....They were doing it to themselves...
On page 449 of the Big Book of AA is what I call the acceptance statement; which I read everyday.....
Acceptance is the anwser to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be AT THIS moment.
NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, Happens in GOD'S WORLD BY MISTAKE.
I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it or lose my serenity..AND I PLACE A VERY,VERY HIGH PRICE ON MY SERENITY TODAY...
I really hope I am clear about this....I love the a's in my life but I do have to accept the facts of their disease and their behavior and not own it as mine...It is so hard at times to watch people we love distory(?) themselves....BUT they do have choices and sometimes I have to take care of myself and leave because It is to painful for me to watch..
So much for my two cents worth...Love and prayers,~~A~~
One common tread I rarely hear mentioned at meetings and else where is:
We're all human beings,
( even the a's in our lives) doing the best we can by the light we have today to see by....It took me years to get to the point of realizing that THEY were'nt doin' it to me....They were doing it to themselves...
On page 449 of the Big Book of AA is what I call the acceptance statement; which I read everyday.....
Acceptance is the anwser to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be AT THIS moment.
NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, Happens in GOD'S WORLD BY MISTAKE.
I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it or lose my serenity..AND I PLACE A VERY,VERY HIGH PRICE ON MY SERENITY TODAY...
I really hope I am clear about this....I love the a's in my life but I do have to accept the facts of their disease and their behavior and not own it as mine...It is so hard at times to watch people we love distory(?) themselves....BUT they do have choices and sometimes I have to take care of myself and leave because It is to painful for me to watch..
So much for my two cents worth...Love and prayers,~~A~~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Methuen, MA
Posts: 4
Thank you...
Daffodil,
Thank you for that insight to page 449 in the Big Book. I have just started attending Al-anon meetings and I am learning so much and realizing so much. This too, has been very helpful. I needed this today.
Thank you for that insight to page 449 in the Big Book. I have just started attending Al-anon meetings and I am learning so much and realizing so much. This too, has been very helpful. I needed this today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Bill Wilson's description of the active alcoholic is the best: self-centered in the extreme, enormous self-will, self-involved. Think "M&M" = "me and more". Grandiosity. As an alcoholic in my 23rd year of recovery, I have changed a great deal ... but it took many years, a lot of hard work on the 12 Steps and cognitive therapy. Once an alcoholic starts drinking growth as a person stops dead. So when/if we do get sober we're about as mature as a teenager. Alcoholism is classified as a mental illness, it is progressive.
Codependents make several mistakes: they confuse love with need. If you think it's love keeping you in the relationship ask yourself if you also trust and respect the person. Without these things I don't know what you have but I don't think it's love. Like alcoholics, codependents are heavily influenced by denial and rationalization. Alanon helped me deal with these things.
No one can "get someone sober"; alcoholics may get sober but it's in their time. There is nothing you can say or do that will get anyone sober. You're powerless over the alcoholic but you can affect big changes in your own life. I hope this is where you're headed.
A big hug, Anne
Codependents make several mistakes: they confuse love with need. If you think it's love keeping you in the relationship ask yourself if you also trust and respect the person. Without these things I don't know what you have but I don't think it's love. Like alcoholics, codependents are heavily influenced by denial and rationalization. Alanon helped me deal with these things.
No one can "get someone sober"; alcoholics may get sober but it's in their time. There is nothing you can say or do that will get anyone sober. You're powerless over the alcoholic but you can affect big changes in your own life. I hope this is where you're headed.
A big hug, Anne
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Codependents make several mistakes: they confuse love with need. If you think it's love keeping you in the relationship ask yourself if you also trust and respect the person. Without these things I don't know what you have but I don't think it's love.
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