Miracle or Lie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Miracle or Lie
As most of you know my ab was diagnosed with cancer 5weeks ago. We were not together at the time due to his drinking, but he called and told me the news. to which i went back to him to give him support through this terrible time, i was devestated, he took the news remakably well, i presumed he was in shock. i kept asking him "was the doctor 100% sure it's cancer" he'd always reply "Yes"
i went with him to the hospital to see the consultant that would be taking out the tumour that was growing on his leg and I asked
"is there a possibily the cancer has spread" to this the consultant replied very abruptly "till i get the tumour out i cant tell you anything, it could be nothing, it could be fatty tissue, we'll tell you when the tumour is out". I thought then why is he not being straight with us and was annoyed with him so i said
"How come Ab's doctor has told him he has cancer" to which he said
"Then he must have xray eyes, and is a better doctor than me", i thought what an arrogant arse.
He had his op on boxing day and was discharged the following day, which was unbelivable, the result would be ready in 10 days.
Thinking back now ab was extremely cool, and rarely spoke of the cancer, was still making plans and being joyful. i thought it's his way of coping. He had no money over xmas (drank it all in couple of days) so it was a peaceful time, which i was glad for.
ten days passed and he rang me and said
"Doc phoned ive got to go back to reconstruct the muscle bloody nuicance, go to take sick again!!! I said "Ok what about the cancer"
"oh ye she said it was benine, nothing there good ye"
I was gobsmacked, oh my god he hasnt got cancer i was over the moon, i cannot explain the releif. "You dont have cancer oh my god i cant belive it" His reaction was "Ye good news, shame ive got to go in in 6 week though"
I couldnt belive his reaction, it wasnt normal it wasnt a reaction from someone who had been given a lifeline.
"i'll call you back later, will you phone my mum let her know im going for a couple of pints"
AND THEN THE PENNY DROPPED LOUDLY.
I sat and thought about it and everything fell into place. His coolness towards the news (this is a man who cannot cope with a cold sore)
Why the doctor was so peed off with me
I had never seen any letters confiming he had cancer
He had told very few people
and the clincher his reaction to the good news.
Have been told that cancer cannot be diagnosed by scan only, a biopsy would have to be done.
I rang him back a couple of hours later by this time he had had a few to drink and was misrable as sin i said to him "the doctor that told you had cancer was wrong to tell you that, you could sue him" My ab would sue anybody for anything has tried on several occasions, he replied "Nah not his fault he got it wrong, never mind now im ok".
I knew for sure now that he had lied to me, mabye the doc did say we best get the tumour out incase it might be cancer, but he used this info and stretched the truth for his benefit. to me a could be and a have got cancer are two totally different things.
I said to him why are you so misrable?? youve had the best news in the world today you should be dancing in the streets, his reply was "Mmm"
sorry long post but i had to tell you, my now xab is a very ill man.
Mairxx
i went with him to the hospital to see the consultant that would be taking out the tumour that was growing on his leg and I asked
"is there a possibily the cancer has spread" to this the consultant replied very abruptly "till i get the tumour out i cant tell you anything, it could be nothing, it could be fatty tissue, we'll tell you when the tumour is out". I thought then why is he not being straight with us and was annoyed with him so i said
"How come Ab's doctor has told him he has cancer" to which he said
"Then he must have xray eyes, and is a better doctor than me", i thought what an arrogant arse.
He had his op on boxing day and was discharged the following day, which was unbelivable, the result would be ready in 10 days.
Thinking back now ab was extremely cool, and rarely spoke of the cancer, was still making plans and being joyful. i thought it's his way of coping. He had no money over xmas (drank it all in couple of days) so it was a peaceful time, which i was glad for.
ten days passed and he rang me and said
"Doc phoned ive got to go back to reconstruct the muscle bloody nuicance, go to take sick again!!! I said "Ok what about the cancer"
"oh ye she said it was benine, nothing there good ye"
I was gobsmacked, oh my god he hasnt got cancer i was over the moon, i cannot explain the releif. "You dont have cancer oh my god i cant belive it" His reaction was "Ye good news, shame ive got to go in in 6 week though"
I couldnt belive his reaction, it wasnt normal it wasnt a reaction from someone who had been given a lifeline.
"i'll call you back later, will you phone my mum let her know im going for a couple of pints"
AND THEN THE PENNY DROPPED LOUDLY.
I sat and thought about it and everything fell into place. His coolness towards the news (this is a man who cannot cope with a cold sore)
Why the doctor was so peed off with me
I had never seen any letters confiming he had cancer
He had told very few people
and the clincher his reaction to the good news.
Have been told that cancer cannot be diagnosed by scan only, a biopsy would have to be done.
I rang him back a couple of hours later by this time he had had a few to drink and was misrable as sin i said to him "the doctor that told you had cancer was wrong to tell you that, you could sue him" My ab would sue anybody for anything has tried on several occasions, he replied "Nah not his fault he got it wrong, never mind now im ok".
I knew for sure now that he had lied to me, mabye the doc did say we best get the tumour out incase it might be cancer, but he used this info and stretched the truth for his benefit. to me a could be and a have got cancer are two totally different things.
I said to him why are you so misrable?? youve had the best news in the world today you should be dancing in the streets, his reply was "Mmm"
sorry long post but i had to tell you, my now xab is a very ill man.
Mairxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Reminds me of the saying "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? He opens his mouth." Of course that applies to female alcoholics too.
Oh Mair, I'm so sorry he took advantage you with a lie! It's happened to me too, and I fell for it. Look, you took the high road. When you thought he was in need you went to him. He is the one who lied and took advantage of you. Don't beat yourself up, be gentle. But learn from it too, mmmm?
Oh Mair, I'm so sorry he took advantage you with a lie! It's happened to me too, and I fell for it. Look, you took the high road. When you thought he was in need you went to him. He is the one who lied and took advantage of you. Don't beat yourself up, be gentle. But learn from it too, mmmm?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
(((((Mair)))))))....I'm glad for your X?AB that he's been given a clear bill of health but so sorry that he conned you with the story. I think he was playing on your sympathy from the get-go...As seem to need to do that.
Maybe it helps you to know that XABF gave me the "cancer scare story" too. Suspicious nodules on the lung, rush CT scan, didn't want to talk about it......and then! No problem...all clear. Well, when I saw him a couple of months after that, he looked like death warmed over. Stupid me, didn't realize that it was his permanent hangover.
Oh, and he lied about other stuff and it was all to gain my sympathy and compassion. One of the last lies was the end for me and him and that's when I gave him his walking papers.
I hope you can detach again from this madness and realize that YOUR life is so much more important.
ARL
Maybe it helps you to know that XABF gave me the "cancer scare story" too. Suspicious nodules on the lung, rush CT scan, didn't want to talk about it......and then! No problem...all clear. Well, when I saw him a couple of months after that, he looked like death warmed over. Stupid me, didn't realize that it was his permanent hangover.
Oh, and he lied about other stuff and it was all to gain my sympathy and compassion. One of the last lies was the end for me and him and that's when I gave him his walking papers.
I hope you can detach again from this madness and realize that YOUR life is so much more important.
ARL
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Friend, I know of a woman who tells her family she's dying of a different disease every couple of years. She even came home once to tell her hubby and kids that she was dying of cancer and nearly destroyed them. Now the kids are getting older and also use illness to get attention and sympathy, and these people aren't alcoholics. It's a common way for people to try to get the extra affection they crave.
In your case he manipulated you. Just remember this lesson for the next time he calls you to say he's got heart disease or whatever.
In your case he manipulated you. Just remember this lesson for the next time he calls you to say he's got heart disease or whatever.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I don't think that doctors can state with any medical certainty that one has cancer unless (or until) a biopsy is performed, prior to the actual surgery to remove the cyst, tumor, whatever. No wonder his surgeon treated you so rudely... he probably thought you were being a drama queen when you asked all those questions.
I think I can state with victim-of-alcoholic certainty that your boyfriend was lying to you. I'm really sorry.
I think I can state with victim-of-alcoholic certainty that your boyfriend was lying to you. I'm really sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I am so sorry, my AH has tried to pull this sort of thing several times (the tiniest ailment is either a heart attack or cancer) but I have dealt with a couple of cancer scares and several surgeries with my mom so it's tough to fool me. The saddest part is that he has several real ailments caused by drinking, of course he ignores those.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Oh ((((Mair))) i'm so sorry. I know how well things were going for you detaching before all of this. That's a really really crappy thing to do if it is the case. Did he think lying would help the situation? And if it was the truth, why so calm. So sorry...big hugs.
xxx
xxx
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I've read that addiction is a disease of "self"
that addicts are self-centered
Sounds like your guy fits this discription.
Now that you're mad/frustrated he probably doesn't have a clue why or care that you worried. He can run off for a pint while you feel snookered.
When he 1st mentioned to you that he might have cancer and saw that you were going to jump in and care for him again, he kept it going because it worked.
Maybe this situation will help you decide if you are really done with the relationship.
that addicts are self-centered
Sounds like your guy fits this discription.
Now that you're mad/frustrated he probably doesn't have a clue why or care that you worried. He can run off for a pint while you feel snookered.
When he 1st mentioned to you that he might have cancer and saw that you were going to jump in and care for him again, he kept it going because it worked.
Maybe this situation will help you decide if you are really done with the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
mine had bone cancer and weighed 106 pounds, needed a marrow transplant and blah, blah, blah. none of it was true. all a big fat lie. just another litlle hooky, hooky, hooky.
sorry he played with your emotions, mair. next time he will come up against a brick wall, right?
sorry he played with your emotions, mair. next time he will come up against a brick wall, right?
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I went with him to the hospital to see the consultant that would be taking out the tumour that was growing on his leg and I asked "is there a possibily the cancer has spread" to this the consultant replied very abruptly "till i get the tumour out i cant tell you anything, it could be nothing, it could be fatty tissue, we'll tell you when the tumour is out". I thought then why is he not being straight with us and was annoyed with him so i said "How come Ab's doctor has told him he has cancer" to which he said "Then he must have xray eyes, and is a better doctor than me", i thought what an arrogant arse.
No wonder his surgeon treated you so rudely... he probably thought you were being a drama queen when you asked all those questions.
I agree with MsGoLightly. This was both a lie and a miracle. Thanks to the doctor, the lie has been revealed. The miracle comes in the form of being shown the depths of your husband's depravity and being offered an opportunity to end the insanity once and for all.
Of course, whether the miracle is an opportunity seized or ignored is completely up to the recipient.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
Isn't it revealing how often people mistake truthfulness for rudeness?
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Of course, whether the miracle is an opportunity seized or ignored is completely up to the recipient.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Thank you all for your replies you all give me so much hope, i am so suprised that so many of you have been through this it must be another alcoholic trait it's shocking what we go through it's so so wrong.This was the final nail in the coffin for me, i will never go back after this, he watched me cry over this and watched my health deteriorate he let it happen so easily.
Miracle yes in more ways than one, im glad he's healthy and im even more glad that i can start again without him, i just need to find some strength from somewhere. Thank you for listening.
Mair
Miracle yes in more ways than one, im glad he's healthy and im even more glad that i can start again without him, i just need to find some strength from somewhere. Thank you for listening.
Mair
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
