depend_on_me

I posted another question this morning and everyone was very helpful so I'd like to first express my gratitude for that. I'm new so here's my story....I have been with my AH for 21 years (since we were just teens). I am also the adult child of alcoholic and addict parents with lots of issues of my own. BTW my AH also comes from a similar background. The last 5 years have been hell... but if I'm being completely honest with myself.... it's been bad for at least 15 years. We have never really been able to communicate well with each other. At his worse in the last couple of years he aquired a "friend" a female co-worker that bought into all his alcoholic BS. I discovered this friendship which I dont belive ever got physical. He has no problem talking to other women and being friends with them while he totally alienated me for the past 5 years. Ok, fast forward to now... he's been sober for about 3 months. He says he wants to stay married and work through all of this -- we also have 1 child to further complicate things -- but we still have all the same issues that we had when he was drinking. His Therapists says he's in a very fragile and I shouldn't expect much out of him right now. I feel like he is being allowed to just forget about all the horrible things he has said and done. "just let it go" BUT I CANT!!!! Are there others out there that have sucessful marriages with a recovering alcoholic? Or is there just too much water under the bridge? He resents his mother for staying with his abusive, alcoholic father and I know he feels the same about me. He's asked me several times why I stayed if he was so horrible. Duh?! I love him and it's all I know. Any advice?

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi.

I'm a recovering alkie. My marriage fell apart before I got sober, but I am now in a really wonderful relationship with someone who stuck by me. Can I ask, is your AH sober or is he working a recovery program?Cause there's a difference. Also, three months is a very short time in recovery..he probably is just now feeling the fog clear.

I'm sure that there will be others along to help you more..I wish you the best in this situation.

Karen

Pick-a-name

Glad you are here. Sorry,I have nothing to offer. My AH (married 27y/together 30y..2 children)divorced me and is still drinking;much of the rest of your story sounds very familiar. fwiw,since I have started concentrating on me,I've noticed some changes in him and how he treats me,etc. (in a good way) Don't know what that "means" but it is an observation.

Reading and posting really help me. Perhaps Toby Rice Drews' book: "Getting Them Sober,vol. 4 would be helpful. You can preview a few chapters at: Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications

Hope you stick around and focus on you and let him deal with his own issues as much as possible....seems to work best from what I can tell.

depend_on_me

Thank you Merlotmomma. He has a sponsor and has not started working the steps yet. They say that helps but it takes a LONG time. I waited 10 years for him to stop drinking I guess I can wait a little longer for him to work on his character defects.

WantsOut

Depend, all I have to contribute is that my exAH broke my heart repeatedly because he would get sober for as long as five months and then fall back into drinking every night again. Every time he quit I totally believed that this time was going to be different, this time he meant it.

It never happened.

I don't mean to be a downer, just steel your heart so that yours doesn't get broken like mine did.

PrettyViolets

My husband has been sober over 40 days. There is a difference now. He is not yelling at me and there is not abuse. When he was drinking, it was like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. It was like the devil was there.

When he finally went in to recovery and took his treatment seriously, I was so thankful to God. It was like he was completely there. At that point, I could view alcoholism more humbly like a disease (something that he would struggle with for the rest of his life). Before he went into recovery, I saw the alcoholism more like a beast--I saw it more like if he would just recover then we could go just be normal.

I have to give him enough room to let him recover on his own. I also have to focus on my recovery. There is nothing I am going to do or say that is going to affect his recovery, I have to focus on my recovery and feeling good about myself. Sometimes, I just pray to God because it is something that is much larger than myself (it is not something that I can handle on my own).

Humility is so important in a good marriage. I have to remind myself to approach my husband in a humble manner. I asked my husband this past weekend what he was scared of, and he said he was scared of losing me. I then told him I was scared of him relapsing and that he would not be able to get another job (he has been unemployed since the end of June). I really have to give my fears to God. And he has to give his fears to God as well.

I can support my husband in his recovery. I let him know that I am proud of him--"You are 30 days sober--I am so proud of you." I can give him a hug. I let him know that I love him. I cooked him a nice dinner for his birthday last week.

I am a stronger woman now. I have God. I have good support from Al Anon. I have my own life, and I can share that with my husband.

hope2bhappy

When my AH was first in recovery, I was desperate to hear an apology or some kind of recognition for what I had been through for the past 22 years. I had a lot to say and a million questions. But I wasn't getting any answers... it was as if he had just woken up out of a coma. He didn't remember much of it. I was told the same thing you were (shouldn't expect much) and felt the same way you do (why is he being allowed to forget). These feelings passed after a few weeks. As we have settled into a sober life together, the past doesn't seem as important now. It's all about the future, and that's where I need to keep my focus.

best

Other side of the coin...


I am the he in things.

If he learns what a solid recovery is and figures out what love truly is...
his fragile state can transform into a recovering good husband.

Meetings and working the steps are one way for him to get there.
Until such time...use your boundaries and take care of you.

It can work if he works at it and from there...maybe a marriage counselor can help you both by guiding you both to a good communication style of growing together.

depend_on_me

Thank you Hope2bhappy. You and all the others on this SR board give me hope. I'll keep focusing on me and my recovery. I just wish I could make the pain in my heart go away. He's sober for now and I am thankful for today.

angelonmyshould

Whem my AH first got sober (3 years this February) he went thru a time that he wanted to know what he did to me and the kids that was so bad. By, that time I had learned to Let go. But I answered his questions and let it go. In actuallity it helped me to get over it and get on living my life.

Keep your chin up things will get better. Life is a rollercoaster. But it's your choice when you want to get on and when you want to get off.

CBrown

Depend, I am happy for you that he is in recovery. My XABF has been told repeatedly, has made promises, and has eliminated anyone in his life who approached him about getting help. I still hope and pray that he has some breakthrough and that's all anyone can do. I, too, wonder what person he would be if he would embrace sobriety? Would he make amends? Would he remember any of us? Would he want anything to do with us? Just because you leave one difficult road behind, doesn't mean the road you're on is any less difficult, just for a different reason. I wish you well and hope you can put the past behind.

I know what you mean about "getting away with it." My XABF is a real emotional abuser of women and quite a user of people in general. For a while I went through "OMG, he can't get away with this! Someone has got to hold him accountable!" Now I'm feeling okay it happened and it's done and over with. It's something I have to let go. But I sure won't let him do it again to me, either. I truly did love him, and I think if he had become sober we could have worked through problems (based on the relationship I thought we had). But that would have taken honesty on his side, and it doesn't seem that he is capable of honesty.

Anyway, how about giving it some time? Take it day by day. Take care of you. Others will have a lot better advice for you, since they've been there. (((hugs)))

geees poncho

Welcome D.O.M. I believe what you are waiting for, is his 8th & 9th step, amends.
IF a good counselor and a good sponsor are working with him, it will happen, all in good time. Pay close attention because it may be a fleeting moment. I have heard in meetings that amends are simply a positive change in our lives, digging up the past and hashing it over & over seldom has good results. I know you would like to stake him out in the front yard in 100 degree heat, while you do your steps, for 12 days, but thats not positive.
I'm quite sure he knows when and where he has hurt you, and it is more than likely he is embarrassed and ashamed, and probly waiting for the right circumstances, if indeed they ever appear, to make his amends. miracles have no time line, and we have to be ready when they appear.

Good Luck and God Bless

denny57

Hashing it over and over and talking about it once are two different things. Recovery is about dealing with life on life's terms. If my spouse wanted to have a heart to heart where I acknowledge the harm I have done, what's so bad about that?

Sometimes Bill Wilson gets on my nerves.:rof

queenteree

In 1989 I left my husband (we were not married yet). He went to rehab, wrote me every day, really worked on himself and his program, understood and apologized for all the things he did to me and the kids, vowed to make amends and change and be the husband and father we deserve (his words), and he did. He did it for over 14 years! Then relapse happened. The last couple of years are worse than before! This spring he went to rehab (cause I was going to leave), promised me the moon and sun, but I can see it wasn't like the first time, but I stayed anyway and gave it a shot. Should have listened to my gut - he was only sober for 98 days before relapsing 5 months ago and steadily drinking and giving me hell ever since.

geees poncho

I know, Bill had a tough time decideing on this one, stake out in the yard? or let them suffer with guilt, until they're ready to make amends.

Rella927

I must say DITTO to this post-

My XA still attempts after being broken up-to come at me-he is currently lying to his attorney in regards to a stalking charge against him and is about to get caught-but, see the difference is now....as Denny stated about living life on lifes terms...this is what I do now and I do not allow things like him to push me anymore-I keep my side of the street clean and move forward!

I cannot say it any better than WantsOut did!

denny57

Nah, I reckon he just didn't want to talk about his actions. Call me a radical.

Apologies for thread hijack (I think it's a hijack)

depend_on_me

That's it! That's exactly what I want. Acknowledgement. He would always make me feel and believe that I was the crazy one, when he was drinking. I want him to feel bad that he hurt me and express that. He was numbed out and drunk. I'm the one wearing all the scars. Just last week when I tried to have a deep conversation with him he said " why do you keep bringing this up? The past is done I cant change it!" I know but he can acknowledge it. Am I wrong for thinking this?

Lilyflower

Have you read up on codependency? You may find it a useful way to make sense of your anger.

I have just posted this on another thread but your last post made me think perhaps it belongs here to...

Co-dependents Anonymous & Inner Bonding: Relationship Help, Relationship Advice, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice

As I have gone down my own recovery path, I have learnt that I make my own emotions and no one can make me feel anything. So if you are angry, this is coming from within you. There are two ways to express an emotion....

''1) I am sharing my feelings to give information.
2) I am sharing my feelings to blame the person for causing my feelings.

If you were sharing your feelings to give information, you might say, "I'm feeling angry with you, so I'm going out for a walk and try to deal with it."

If you were taking responsibility for your own feelings, you may not say anything about your feelings to the other person. You would go inside and explore what you are telling yourself that is causing you to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or irritated. You might share information, such as, "I'm feeling stressed, so I'm going to take a bath."

But if you just say, "I'm angry with you," or "You hurt my feelings," then you are not taking responsibility for your feelings - you are dumping your feelings on the other person, and he or she will feel blamed.

"But he did make me angry!" you might be thinking. "She did hurt my feelings." "He did disappoint me." Behind these statements lies a major false belief - the belief that others cause your feelings. ''

From...
Sharing Feelings: Information or Attack?
By Dr. Margaret Paul

Lily xxxxxxxxx

depend_on_me

Thank you Lilyflower. I know this but it is easier said than done. I'll keep working on me. Thanks for the info and the encouragement.