AA and Al-Anon
 

I have a question.... has anyone else experienced this... my husband is a newly sober alcoholic (about 3 months of sobriety) he attends AA at least 4 times a week. I attend Al-anon meetings 2 times a week. He said that the men in AA often make jokes about Al-anon and the wives that attend. I know he has mentioned that a few are divorced. One person there jokingly said to him "Oh your married....is your wife still being nice to you?" "in Al-anon that's considered a slip." ha ha. I was not amused when he repeated it back to me. I have never been told by anyone in Al-anon to NOT be nice to my husband. I have never been told to leave him either (even when I was desperate for somebady to tell me those words). Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Yes
 

Alanon and AA often banter back and fourth,
it's meant in good humor, but it can get hurtfull.
Take it with a grain of salt, you'll most likely hear some
cracks about the AA too.

Ahhhh sweetie... Im sorry your feelings were hurt... I think at the stage of recovery your in feelings can be pretty raw.

My thoughts are this on AA/Al-anon.

I spent all my life being an Enabler/Co-dependent and the people who were attracted to me were men that wanted/needed that personality. In Al-anon/CoDA I have learned to keep the focus on myself and my personal growth and I work very hard to change that behavior.... It can be hard on all parties when the dance changes and there is alot of fear in making such huge changes. Not to mention that most Alcoholics cant imagine us sitting in meetings that are not about them... but about us.

Will he/she be attracted to the new me, how will they react when I take care of the new me first.... etc. Not to mention that I dont do alot of things that my partner became acustom too... I try not to nag, I try not to take his inventory and I dont clean up the mess... I dont make excuses for and I also work a program of honesty.... that can hurt sometimes.

I can promise you that the people I know in AA that work an amazing program will thank God every day for Al-anon and CoDA... it is usually only newbies and the ones that dont really get it yet that really feel that Al-anon is the he man basher party.

My exabf went to AA and i think that some there think Al anon is a place where the wives/husbands of the addict are told to leave them and live strictly for themselves. I too have been to Al Anon and have NEVER heard negativity about my ex and his drinking problem. I don't think some AA'ers understand that it's support for us like AA is for them. My friend wants to go and she said she couldn't because her husband would be mad. He has no idea what it's about.

XABF once told me, "everyone in AA calls Al-Anon the dark side."

Funny, since a lot of recovering A's attend both AA and Al-Anon...does that mean A's aren't being nice to themselves after they attend an Al-Anon meeting???

I think it says more about where he's at in his recovery than about Al-Anon or you.

I have little experience with Alanon, but did attend a couple of groups some years back because of family issues. One meeting was open discussion and it consisted almost entirely of women who complained about their alcoholic sig. other. The other was a step meeting where there was a good balance between men and women and the talk centered mainly on personal recovery. I definitely preferred the latter.

Alot of A.A ers who don't understand Alanon often think that Alanon is to teach the wives how not to help thier husbands. (my ex bf said that to me because I was detaching from him).

Alanon is about learning how not to ENABLE the alcoholic and a lot of Alcoholics don't like this. They are losing their meal ticket.

Ngaire

My preconceived notion of AlAnon was that it would try to convince or pressure me to stay with my AH; and I was very reluctant to go for just that reason. This forum opened my mind a little more and I have tried a few meetings. It has been surprising to me that there is really very little discussion about alcohol per se; some about the alcoholics, but mostly about personal recovery. It has been a godsend!

You hit the nail on the head.

The person who made the comment did so because of where he is in his recovery and/or where his wife may be in her recovery.

Humor...even sick humor is a defense mechanism that many of us guys may use, rather then open up and share our true feelings.

and the wise King said...

Ecclesiastes 7
21 Do not pay attention to every word people say,
or you may hear your servant cursing you-

My husband has been sober for over 40 days.

I attended an open AA meeting in support of my husband this past Saturday. Everyone was nice. It is a different crowd of people. As one alcoholic from AA said--"Drinking is easy, it is living that is hard." In Al-Anon, it is more said that living with an alcoholic is hard. At the AA meeting, I tried to be easygoing and say that I was there in support and then I said "Go Mike."

It has always been my choice if I wanted to leave or stay with my alcoholic husband at Al Anon. They have always been supportive of my choice. I have learned better ways to handle life at Al Anon.

:a102:

Uhhhmmm....that would be me!!!!

I'm sorry you had your feelings hurt. I think if an A is truly working the program, he will be focusing more on what's going on in his meeting, and less on what's going on in yours.

I have had alot of comments said to me too. My AH goes to his meetings and I have gone to mine. But, I know in my heart that I made the recovery step before he got sober. Not to find the magic pill but because I needed the help.

One of the comments made to me was that if the alcoholic doesn't attend meetings he could relapse and die. My comment to that was if I didn't attend meetings I could die - not by drinking but by my own hand.

As you attend more Alanon meetings and get your life back you will have comments to sprew back at them. They are afraid of us now. Why? Who knows.

Another one was that Alanon works only one step - the first one.

It isn't easy laughing at ourselves. It seems like one thing when I tell a joke that has an Al-Anon spin on it and another when it comes from anyone, including A.As who is not an Al-Anon member or familar with the perspective of a family member. Sometimes, A.A. members are bitter particularly if their marriage has failed ("She got the goldmine and I got the shaft"). And some AAs are uncomfortable with the changes in their Al-Anon spouses e.g. no more enabling as a result of working the Al-Anon program. Some A.A.s are fearful that if their spouse or loved one attends Al-Anon, they will change and they are right...we do change because we stop accepting or submitting to unacceptable behavior.

Obviously, the A.A. member who told the joke could benefit from being invited to attend an open Al-Anon meeting. A lot of A.A.s don't understand that we work the Steps too. Some think we spend all of our time talking about them (some still have supersized egos even in recovery) and don't realize that we are so busy talking about ourselves that we don't have time for them. Perhaps your group might consider hosting an open Al-ANon meeting and inviting the A.A.s.

But even more so, I have heard many A.A.s say "Thank God for Al-Anon. I could have never gotten sober if my wife hadn't started attending Al-Anon. She stopped playing games..." So, there are many more A.A.s who love and appreciate their Al-Anon relatives. A lot of A.A.s wish their spouse or partner would attend Al-Anon so they can stop living in the past, being angry and distrustful. It is very hard to sustain a marriage when one person is in recovery and has embraced a new way of life versus a spouse who refuses to grow.

Perhaps you can speak to the A.A. member who made the comment - or if it took place at a meeting, the statement was supposed to be confidential and remain within the meeting. So, perhaps your husband will speak to the person and share how your involvement in Al-Anon has benefitted your marriage and helped his sobriety.

And finally, it may well be that you will have to just let it go. We can't please everyone or expect them to understand and appreciate us. I thank God over the 30 years that I have attended Al-Anon that I know many more A.A.s who do understand how their drinking affected me and are welcome my attendance at their open meetings.