Pajarito

Ugh, ugh ugh!!! This new thread is in response to one LostSister wrote- about her sister reaching bottom when there are kids involved. I am struggling with a separation and now moving onto divorce from my AH. We have a lovely 10-year-old who knows her dad is an alcoholic- but from the perspective of a 10-year-old. I don't know how much to tell her- or when to tell her. We hid a lot from her- and he did his drinking when she was asleep for the most part. But I know as many of you have said- that kids just know more than we assume.

One of the things my AH has always done is to spend most of the weekend sleeping. I had to go to work Sunday, so he spent the day with her- sleeping for most of it. She, in the meantime spent the afternoon entertaining herself. When I got home I had to be the hammer and help her get her homework done. She was frustrated about having to do it, and mentioned she didn't get to do anything fun that day- that it was boring because her dad slept. My ??? is- how do I handle this? My temptation is to say that it's not "normal" to spend the day sleeping- that he could have brought her to the library, the park, anywhere- but chose to spend it out on the couch. Because we are not living together I find it to be maddening that he doesn't spend his time with her interacting- but this is an issue I've had with him involving her- as well as me.

How do I start this long road of helping her to more fully understand what is going on with him? I don't think he is actively drinking- but then I don't know either. I am mad that this is something I can no longer shield her from. I'm trying to let him feel the consequences of his behavior with her, but then he leaves and I am dealing with her anger. Any suggestions would be great. How do I stop being co-dependent- saving her from his crap, but also shield her from it in a healthy way?

Barbara52

I can only relay what I did when going thru my first divorce and my kids were young. There were no alcohol issues, just the death of a marriage.

All the advice I got from therapists back then was to make it clear that there are adult problems and children problems and that the child doesn't need to worry about the adult problems. Keep stressing that nothing that is going on is the child's fault, ever!. Keep all information you give to the child at an age appropriate level of detail and focus as much as possible on positives. Its ok to say that daddy has problems that he needs to work on and explain to the degree necessary what those problems are.

I strongly recommend therapy for her. My kids found it very helpful back then.

LaTeeDa

My son (same age) also benefited from therapy when his dad and I separated. What I'm learning is that I don't like it when he is angry because it makes me uncomfortable. It's tough, but I need to allow him to be angry. I have to validate and understand his feelings. If he asks questions, I answer them honestly, but I don't try to talk him out of his anger anymore. I needed to learn to live with the uncomfortableness of his feelings. He's slowly becoming less and less angry since he is allowed to process it.

L

geees poncho

My adult daughter shared with me that she felt it was her fault when her mother and I divorced, I was completely unaware of this,(lost in the divorce). A very wise teacher took her aside and set her straight, this was adult stuff, and not her stuff. and definatly not her fault. My advice would be to make sure the children understand that.

Pajarito

To all of you- thanks for your quick responses. I am agitated today that I can't give my daughter the stable childhood I wanted for her. Stable is going to have to be with me- not the family unit I had envisioned. I will look into therapy for her. My big problem is making sure I am not bad-mouthing my AH. I want to instill in her compassion- yet let her be angry when she needs to- whether she is venting with me or at him. I tend to try to get involved and "save" her from his chaos. I suppose as she gets older she will have more tools to cope with his crap- but I don't want to leave her floundering. It's too much for an adult (me) to try to understand this. So, for her. . .

Over the past year or so I've begun to really start to understand the horrifying reality of this disease. It's been a very slow process for me- uncovering it layer by layer. I'm sure it will be like that for her. I just want/hope it will be something she can accept and understand at her level.

Barbara52

A therapist will also be able to give you information on how to discuss all that goes on with your daughter. And kids do get thru divorces and alcoholic families jsut fine with the necessary support from a locing stable parent in the picture.

Pajarito

No- I don't. I don't want to be like that. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad- regardless of what he and I are dealing with.

Just wanted to clarify.