FormerDoormat

Over the weekend, I witnessed an abundance of name calling on this forum, much of which seemed directed at me. And while the words were intended to harm me, I realize they were just words.

Today it doesn't crush me when folks claim that I'm mean spirited, I'm overly critical, a self-proclaimed expert, or that I have a dead soul (though comments like these are inexcusable) because I know who I am, and I am none of these things.

Today I realize that I don't have to engage in people-pleasing behaviors for people to like me. I can present my true self to others, realizing full well that no matter what I say or do, that some people are going to like me while others will not. That's just the way of the world.

Today I've learned that there is no greater self esteem builder than having the courage to be who I am, to say what I think and feel, and to believe that I am good enough, I am smart enough, and I am nice enough just the way I am.

Sonny McB

It just happens on forums. This forum probably has less than any other forum I've visited. Just ignore it.

CBrown

"much of which seemed directed at me"

Your statements are from my post and actually I was not referring to you directly. I am not going to lob any return comments concerning this post, but you may want to examine why you thought the statements were directed at you when they weren't.

geees poncho

Daaa whats goin on???

keepingmyjoy

FD, it is good that you have come so far in your recovery. It can be unfortunate when others resort to name calling. I was really glad Mike reminded us of the "Ignore" button so that we have options to shield ourselves of the unwanted comments etc.

From myself, a whole life people pleaser, it is good to know, by your example, that I will get past that behavior one day!

geesponcho...I'm with you....I am not sure what happened either fully...

DetachMe9

No clue here either, but I will say this to FD: Some of the most important posts/feedback I've received here have been the ones that were the most difficult to hear. Thanks again.

geees poncho

LaTeeDa

Same here.

And I will also add that some of the opinions I have disagreed with most have triggered some huge AHA's for me. (Whether the AHA involved changing my opinion or, more often, looking at something from a different perspective.)

L

Miss Pink

Hey FD-

Your the epitome of what good recovery produces. Though I dont know what was said to you, its all just one persons opinion, isnt it?

Its real important to NOT personalized comments anyone says. I tend to sometimes make everything about me (Shocker, I know). If someone says "I hate the color purple" and I happen to be wearing a purple moo-moo at the time, I can get so offended and hurt....why? Cus someone doesnt like my choice of color. How DARE she insult ME? Me Me Me...

Alcohol - I.S.M. = The *I*, The Self*, The Me.

Its not all about me....another persons opinion is just that...theirs!

Congrats girl on not personalizing!

PS..love your siggie....I used it on my ex last week "Get busy living, or get busy dying". Didnt work...he's still alive. :P

LucyA

I think if people are prepared to post on forums they need to be prepared to read things they don't like, whether it's about them or not, and not over react when they think someone might be having a dig. This place is supposed to be about supporting others isn't it, not sniping at people and taking sides because someone might think someone else said something and meant it personally.

DesertEyes

Good afternoon folks

One of the fundamental principles of recovery is that we share our personal experience _only_. The moment I tell somebody else "you should...." or "you ought to...." I am disrespecting them and treating them as incapable of making their own decisions in life.

Al-anon teaches us to give the alcoholic in our lives the _dignity_ to make their own choices, and not go around telling them what they should or should not do. That same dignity applies to fellow members of this forum.

If you have constructive, kind and compassionate experience to share, then do so. If you have anything else to say other than constructive, kind and compassionate experience kindly keep it to yourself. We have all spent a lifetime receiving verbal abuse from the alcoholics in our lives, kindly refrain from treating each other the way the alcholics treat us.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

denny57

I agree with FD. That type of behaviour reminds me of high school.

I use an acronym I learned in Al-Anon: Q-TIP : quit taking it personally.

Love ya, FD, even when we don't see eye to eye. Keep being you.

kermit

FD you have helped me more than words can say! Please continue being you because it has helpes many of us

LaTeeDa

I realize that when I react defensively and angrily, something was said that triggered me. Dragged an old hurt back up to the surface and out into the light of day. This process helps me identify and deal with my issues. And I must say, there is nothing pleasant about it. However, it must be done. If I could somehow convince everyone here to just be "gentle" with me and not trigger my wounds, I could stay comfortable, and never grow in recovery at all.

So, by the same token, I try to remember that when someone reacts defensively and angrily to something I've posted, it is their wound that is making itself apparent. It has little to do with me, and they have a choice as to whether they want to deal with it and grow from it or simply be angry and blame me for their pain.

It's taken me a while to get to this place, but I try to refrain from typing when I am reacting to something strongly. I also try to refrain from typing when someone is reacting to me strongly. I can't always stop myself, but I am getting better.

L

LucyA

Looking back at my post, it doesn't sound quite right, I mean, you have to say what you think otherwise you aren't being true to yourself, but also you have to be prepared for other people to do the same too.

I used to have big problems with self esteem, I had none. Nowadays I'm getting there, even if some of it is faked, but the most important thing to me is - I am who I am and I believe in myself.

splendra

geeze (((((FD)))) let me at them I'll kick their butt. I cannot believe someone would talk to you like that...

ccirider

Hi Mike:

As a victim of childhood abuse from a step-father, I have no problem telling an alcoholic that "he shouldn't" abuse his children. When children are involved, it's a different story.

ccirider

Hi Jill:

Recovery is painful. As you said to me, "In order to see the truth, I had to ask myself this:

What words am I most afraid to hear? What words am I most afraid to speak?"

It takes courage to change the things that we can.

hope2bhappy

I have no idea what happened, but FD I enjoy your posts and find them very insightful.

Lilyflower

I think it's a great shame when sharing breaks down. This is a forum for healing and helping one another grow. As much as I may disagree with an opinion, doesn't mean I have to retaliate.

I have often not understood why a certain comment has been made, or seen the point of view being expressed, and I went away from here and let it sink in to myself. If after really digesting the idea, I felt it truely didn't apply to me, I let it go. If I felt the opinion may have touched on some truth about myself, I decided that this was something I would need to work on.

I have been a little disheartened recently by the lack of compassion and support shown within our group. In a way I feel we are a family, we are here for each other. I turned to this site because I didn't know where else to go, and I return because of the support and wealth of knowledge and life experiences I can learn and grow from.

These kind of posts I feel have been shadowed by more petty point scoring. I hope this will end.


Lily xxxxxxx