candlelight

I check in each morning here -- my new ritual. Sure beats curling up in the chair with a blanket up to my chin and staring at the ceiling, waiting anxiously for the time when the kids need to get up for school, just fretting. God, I'm so good at that too! I'm going to my first Alanon meeting this morning -- well, the first in many many years.

I feel so weird around the house. Now that I must think in a detached way, in a non-negative way, I feel so awkward with myself. What do I say to my husband? (who by the way still isn't speaking to me -- and has been working 16 hour days). I've been thinking about myself instead of him, and feeling a bit guilty, but really not as much guilt as I thought. But the anxiety is just everywhere in me.

Here's a question: so now that I'm trying to act sane (or teach myself sanity, or whatever it is) what do I actually SAY to my AH? Do I ask him how his day was? Do I hug him? (I don't think he wants me to, but I could try . . .) I feel like someone else here. Is anything I say not loaded with manipulation or control? I just don't know how to act or behave. He's solved that problem for himself by not speaking to me. I, on the other hand, feel absolutely no desire to go that route. I just want to be a normal person. (but what's normal??)

When I read the other posts, I want to say something, offer some advice to the others, and then I think "who am I kidding??" I can barely walk, and I should try to help someone else!! I want to help out though (codependency???). I'll hold back my precious advice!! But I really do relate to how everyone is feeling. It has meant so much to me to be able to gripe about my alcoholic--collapse--and get help to stand up again on my own! I finished reading "Codependent No More" and highlighted a bunch of stuff in it. I'll take it to my meeting this morning.

Made a list of my dreams or goals in life and printed it out. It filled up a whole page, single spaced. Ouch! It really hurt to see them in black and white, because I have turned my back on them, because I don't believe they will ever happen. And only one of them had anything to do with my alcoholic. None of my goals had anything to do with controlling everything to keep the peace at home. I've been putting ALL of my energy into . . . I don't know, a lost cause? So I folded up the list, and like Melody Beattie said, turned it over to God. This actually made me sad. I mean, here I'm turning it over to an unknown entity that I've never seen or heard, something I turned my back on years ago. But it also makes me feel like I'm facing the truth that I can't control the outcome, ever. What will happen will happen. I have work to do in front of me. I'm afraid I'll fail, that I'm not up to the hard work I need to do TODAY (like how to act in my own house!)

Time to face the rest of this morning. See you later. Love/hugs, candlelight

spedteach

candlelight,
I am going to offer any advice to you, just wanted to say WOW! What a painfully and powerfully honest post you wrote! Okay, a little advice (it's the teacher in me what can I say?? hee hee ) DO NOT feel guilty for thinking about yourself! It's up to YOU to take care of YOU! Do something nice for YOU EVERY DAY!! Take things one day at a time and do not beat yourself up....YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE!

For me, I"ve found that when I start taking care of me, things with my ah usually get better...even when things are tension filled..

Hang in there sweetie and keep coming here and going to alanon! You are NOT alone!!

((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))) to you!

Ann

candlelight

You are making good progress and should feel proud of yourself. We didn't get this way overnight, and recovery takes just as long before it is a natural way of living, but it is worth the work and patience that it takes to get there and the journey is full of surprises, gifts, and enlightenments.

I'm glad you are going to a meeting. I know that will help you get back on track, and giving the list to God releases you to live in today and know that each tomorrow is with God.

Something I do, that helps me, is each morning I take a quiet moment to pray, asking God for the strength to get through whatever today hands me and to help me remember that He is beside me every moment, then silently "give" the day to Him.

Hope your day is beautiful.

margo

Hi Candlelight - I was very touched by your post. If you read back over it, you will see that so much of YOU is wrapped up in HIM. If your husband is so childish as to not be speaking to you, then don't worry yourself about what you're going to say to him! So much of the time we find ourselves tip-toeing around them and walking on eggshells for fear of how they might act. They get used to us reacting in a certain way, and when we ourselves start to change, a change also begins in the status quo.

I'm really glad that you're going to a meeting. Just take it day by day (baby steps). What you are learning today, you will be able to give back in the future to someone else.

Although you feel that you turned away from God, our HP never leaves us and will always be there.

Keep posting, Candlelight, and let us know how your meeting goes!

Love and hugs.

liddy

((((candlelight))))

change can be painful but you sound like a person working their program already ! you have had the basics in alanon so you know.
I still fumble around after a year but you know what ? it helps me talking to others, doesnt mean I know much but why not share what is working for us, doesnt mean someone else will use it,if they do great but I dont fret as much over what others do as I once did.
We can only move forward one day at a time (or minute when things are tough!)
Be yourself-i'm finding change doesnt mean turning into a Stepford woman ! I'm still me only better !!
Hugs
liddy

Daffodil

Candlelight.......It's hard to firgue out where you are if you take your whole life at once...It's even harder to know where you are going if you do the same.....I surmise that's why it's suggested we do ONE DAY AT A TIME......

The one thing that has always helped me is asking myself the question:

WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW IF THIS WASN'T HAPPENING?

NOW do it.....I always have choices and I need to ask the question and then take the action or it's just so many words with no meaning.....

Suggestion: Can you start just saying GOD bless_____ over and over......? Or Can you just lightly touch his shoulder in passing? How about a simple smile? I really work at just being pleasant with no expection of anything in return....even friendlyness... He/she can just get glad in the same shoes he/she got mad in....The choice is theirs....That way I don't have a cold war going on in my head or heart....Then it's their behavior not mine....

Hope this helps.....I am glad your going to a meeting...I always feel better just going. Keep coming back and let us know how you are....

NoDoubt

I wish I had some wise words of advice but that doesn't come easy for me.

Before my husband's recover started I had the same questions as you. I found that taking care of myself and my children was the most important thing. I kept on asking him how is day was and would sit and listen as long as he was sharing with me. But, when he came home drunk I did my best to get involved with other things (especially the kids) in a POSITIVE way.

It wasn't always easy. It's still not always easy. Because, what else can I say but "he's a man". But I did what I had to do to keep my sanity and save my children from living wrapped up in insanity.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

NoDoubt

spedteach

Candlelight,
I know I responded once already, but felt the urge to do it again. You know what? Are we married to the same person??? My husband gives me the silent treatment too! Now though, I go out of my way to be super nice to him I guess more then anything so he won't think that he's getting to me! Also, I do what I want to do in spite of him and his behavior...he always comes around and I also have learned NOT to tell him that he was being rude..I just do what I want to...

I hope your alanon meeting went well today!

JT

I was going to to talk about kindness but I see some others beat me too it. I try to never do something that is going to cause me regret. That is all about me...not them. If I am kind I feel better...again all about me.

Also remember, as you said, you are on Day 3. You are doing very well. You can never lose with a smile and a kind word. If he blows you off you still know you have done a good thing.

Hugs,
JT

myles1

I finally got to the point with that non-speaking crap, which is a form of abuse by the way, that I'd chat on about this and that cheerfully without expecting an answer. And then go about my business. My point is try not to let him control you with horses$%t. That's what he wants control of your emotions. By just chatting on about stuff in your day or his even if he doensn't answer it disempowers his childish stupidity.

Ngaire