5Stars

My ab wet the bed last night for the first time in over two years.

He had been sober for about three weeks when last night he snuck down stairs after I fell asleep and pounded a bottle of white wine. I discovered it all about 6:00 this morning when my daughter woke up to be fed. I nudged him to see if he would go get her and when he didnt wake up right away I became suspicious, I leaned in to smell his breath and sure enough he'd been drinking. I ripped the covers off of him trying to wake him and have it our about his drinking (I know, I know, but he is only temporarily living here until he resolves his court DUI issues and gets into a rehab) he knows the rules in this house. I have set my boundries.

Anyway, I am wondering why he wet the bed? Is it because he hadnt drank in a few weeks and lost his normal tolerance? Too passed out to get up and go?

So I dropped the kids off at daycare and I head off to school. I tell him to be gone before I get home...I stop by the house after school to see if he is there before I pick up the kids (just in case there is an argument/fight) and yep you guessed it....he's completely wasted, the house is a wreck... so again I tell him to leave....now....before I go pick up the kids....he casually goes up stairs and turns on the shower....whatever...i give him several minutes...then go up....he's freaking shaving his head!!! and ever so slowly....I figure he's just trying to get on my nerves...but then again he's cut himself several times and is bleeding....I really dont care....I unplug the razer and insist he gets in the shower...(he's been done for a minute and is just going over the same spot) he does showers up and i tell him I have to go but again be gone before I return...I leave for TWO HOURS...drop off my twins with their dad and return with my younger two and he is still there....Hes dressed now....all spiffied up...button up shirt and slacks. (I guess hes going out, I really couldnt care any less) and he walks out the door...I holler after him asking him where his clothes were?

This is my question... My guess is he thinks he's coming back...he thinks I am easily manipulated (I guess I am) But how dare he leave with no clothes...This is not a "party pass" for the night...he violated our living arrangement...What should I do or not do when he shows up tomorrow...most likely with a sad story/promise to do better next time... or the occasional "just here to get my stuff" attitude but packing his stuff takes ALL day then day turns into night and he starts dinner, ect...

prodigal

He is hanging around and taking his good ole' sweet time because he is getting under your skin and he feels a zing of power and control from that. It's passive-aggressive and it's sending you into a frenzy. He'll be doggoned if he's gonna leave when YOU ask him to. How dare YOU? The King will dismiss court when he's good and ready .... and enjoy driving you nuts in the process.

JMO, but I'd toss his stuff out the front door and change the locks ASAP. Why can't he go live temporarily with friends? He knows the rules of the house and he doesn't give a good cahoot about your boundaries or your rules. THAT is quite obvious.

If you want the rules in your house respected, do so by kicking his butt to the curb and let him figure out where he should crash while he's waiting to resolve HIS court issues.

And as far as his wetting the bed, who cares why he did it. It's YOUR bed. Tell him to take his incontinence problem (and a box of Depends, if needed) and go wet someone else's bed.

Barbara52

Is the house legally yours or both of yours? If yours, Prodical gives a good options. If its both of yours, you can't throw him out unless you have some legal authority behind you. If that is the case, perhaps get started with that legal authority. Do what ever you need to do to get life to be the way you want it to go forward.

RosieM

I have never heard about this wetting the bed thing before. Is that common among alcoholics? It actually happened with my husband as well, during a period of supposed sobriety. Is it a medical thing?

Done_With_It

Was his hand in or around warm water by chance? That would make him wet the bed...
I know not likely but thought I'd throw it out there.
I agree w/the others, it wouldn't matter to me why. I'd boot him out of there if at all possible.

Miss Pink

drunks wet the bed often....they are not asleep, they are passed out unconscious. Cant really control the urge to urinate like a sober person.

His disease is progressing....

Janitw

Ditto to what Prod has already stated. My XAH wet himself on a couple of occasions early and late in our relationship and the first time we were camping in a tent and lo and behold he is standing up peeing in the corner like it was a bathroom......and the other time was a few years before he left us and he was partying with alot of his old friends and passed out in the floor in their living room and was totally wet when he awoke.....he blamed someone from the night before and said that they peed on him !!!! OMG... Needless to say he has never seen those "friends" again.

grateful2b

Ditto..........

hope2bhappy

This is what we get for being nice. He knows the rules, but he breaks them anyway, and he ignored your boundaries. So what are you going to do now? Boundaries are only as strong as we are.

Wetting the bed is common with A's, however, my AH never did it. The other A I knew years ago did it constantly... the bed, the chair, the couch, the floor... wherever he passed out.

hopeangel

hi ronii, i'm sorry your experiencing this aspect of the disease.

my ah passes out and pees himself quite frequently. i've had several mattresses ruined, couches peed on and ruined, the floor peed on in several spots.

ah finally resorted to buying one of those cheap plastic lounge chairs and sleeping in our unfinished concrete basement. although recently he decided he was coming back upstairs and saturday passed out on the floor, soaked it, and got up and started drinking AGAIN (the first time he has gotten back up after this and started drinking again

so believe me, it doesn't get better when you marry them. it gets worse.

i would think real hard about being in a relationship with him or marrying him. i would really consider changing the locks while you can -if you can).

your ab reminds me a lot of my ah extremely self destructive and defiant. it has only gotten harder after i married him.

take care. hoping you find serenity and peace!!!

bluejay6

why are you allowing this practicing addict in the home of your children? they are absorbing the emotional chaos, even if they seem all right. it is sinking in to stay.

please....stop worrying about why he wets the bed and whether or not he gets wine in the middle of the night.

please put yourself between the addict and the children and make a safe home for them until he cleans up his act. he is far from recovering, nowhere near.

faith12

My wife wet the bed for a year and a half before she went to rehab and has given sobriety a shot. She'd always say it was because of this anxiety medication she was taking. It is a sign of the body failing though and its become a more serious condition. The body is losing its abilities to cope with the constant amount of alcohol within it. Things go wrong physically with the constant abuse after a while. I had to leave my wife completely before she went to rehab and decided she wanted me in her life. You may have to give the same ultimatum and then stick to whatever that ultimatum is. Its tough.

5Stars

Janitw - I remember your posting about that evening over at a friends house and leaving your A there...I believe it was a ways away too..

hopeangel- sorry about your A and his newest progression.. The drinking again AFTER ...Thank you for your caring and concern.

bluejay6- I often ask myself that very same question.. Why am I allowing him to stay and wreak havoc on me and my children...I guess I believe he will change...I believe he wants to. How bad? Surely not as much as I want him to...but enough? Maybe...Like I said our arrangement is a temporary one and he is only staying until his court issues are resolved. The last time I kicked him out he went back home three hours away and begged to come back....understanding that he would not be able to just come back home and rehab was the first stop....it ended up that the rehab center would not take him until his court issues were resolved...guess they dont want to get in the middle of that ...I reluctently let him back (as it was only going to be two and a half weeks till court) and he really didnt have any where else to go....not really my problem but I have four children 3 and under and I can really use all the help I can get...granted sometimes he is just another child for me to take care of but most times not...(he actually did go the full 2 1/2 weeks *sober and was a great help), court got postponed until Feb 20 and here we are...the end of the third week or so is when he slipped...

faith12- thanks for your help with the explanation of the bed wetting thing. glad things worked out with your wife... the hardest part for me is sticking to boundary/ultimatum..working on that....

I can happily say that I no longer care where he is/what he is doing/who he is doing it with, ect...when he is gone...I can honestly say I am happy to just not be around him when he is drinking...I am grossed out/irritated too many to name...this I believe is a form of healthy detachment because there was a time when I was terrified when he left...times when he had been gone for a while I got along just fine...started developing a routine with the kids and school, ect...I think I am detaching slowly and soon will come a time when I REALLY dont let him back in....
Anyone know if there a difference in keeping him around because I love him and keeping him around because I feel sorry for him? Is that a form of getting better for me or worse maybe? I personally think my "loving emotions" are more dangerous feelings than my "feel sorry for him emotions" ..I think my feel sorry for him emotions will evenutally subside and alot easier than my "in love with him feelings would"

anyone care to offer their opinion...

and thank you to all who already did...I didnt ignore the boards just had an emergency with my 2 year old son...while I was packing medicine stuff for daycare this week he got into one and we had to take an abulance ride to the ER..thankfully...he was just observed for a couple of hours, given some charcoal and released... gosh....it only takes a second...right behind my back he did it...and within one or two minutes...

faith12

You know one thing that I felt a bit when I was apart from my wife and just living on my own was a sense of power. As much as I loved her I started to realize that I could start over if I really had to. I was capable and I saw it inside of me with the distance. I actually grew to like it honestly. I could finally seperate myself from the chaos. I moved two states away and took a new job. I left her behind and told her the only way she was going to come down and be with me was if she decided to do rehab and live life sober. It took her a couple of months before she decided. Those two months allowed me the time to look inside myself and focus on just me. Its exactly what I needed. No more manipulation, no more cleaning up the messes, no more BS. Just concentrate on me. Man that was what I needed. I lucked out because she actually went through with it all. Yours may not but you'll survive regardless and honestly you may just like life more without this individual honestly. Whatever you do take good care of you and your kids first.

prodigal

I don't know. Do you? Perhaps you should think about those questions because you, and you alone, know your motivations.

ccirider

Hi 5Stars:

You asked for an opinion, so I will give it. Take what you like and throw the rest in the trash.

1) You will hear much talk about detaching with love, but for me detaching with love is an oxymoron. For me, love is all about attaching, so how can you detach with love? Detaching with empathy makes much more sense to me.

2) An alkie/addict in the late stages of his disease is incapable of loving you or your kids. He not only becomes an enemy to you and your kids, but he also becomes his own worst enemy. How can you love a person like that? I know that the Bible says that we should love our enemies, but I think that something got lost in the translation since English wasn't Jesus' first language.

You raise some interesting questions about love and sympathy for the alkie. To be honest with you, I have neither for them, whatsoever; I know that sounds cold hearted, but that is the way I feel. I think that many people confuse caring for loving and sympathy for empathy, but they are very much different. If I love somebody, I will care for them. However, the opposite isn't true. It's quite possible for me to care for somebody I do not love.

As far as sympathy goes, how can I have sympathy for somebody who is bringing misery upon himself and abusing his family? However, I do try to have empathy for them because many of them were abused as children, as I was, so I have to put myself in their shoes.

omegaweapon85

As I sat her drinking a 16oz Milwaukee's Best, home alone, I started thinking about what happened to me the other night. So I looked it up on Dogpile, and stumbled upon you guys' little coven.
It started out a normal night. I got off work and went to visit my friend at her work because I had lost my cell phone (after getting smashed and tried to drive around looking for a bag of weed) and was trying to gather everyone's phone numbers. She suggested we get together and drink after she got off that night. Of course, I said "right on.... what time?".
So I get home around 5:30 or 6 and down a couple of beers. I feel totally normal and fine, if not a little happier, and watch some TV, actually thinking that I may not head over to her house after all. By 10:30 I'm feeling pretty good and decide to go on over anyway. She is not home and I'm a little annoyed at having to drive accross the city (I live in St. Louis) to meet up with her, and having no cell phone was unable to get ahold of her.
I had bought a fresh twelve pack of beer in addition to the one I was drinking on before I left.
So I go home.
I'm feeling alright and am obviously not ready for bed so I screw around on the internet, watch some more TV and get to work on the new twelve pack I brought home.
2:00am
I am quite drunk but evidently did not realize it because I go to the nearest payphone and call her. She sounds like she may have been asleep but insists I come over anyway. I go back home and collect the remaining three or four beers I have left and hit the road.
This is where I am a very fuzzy. It seems that I remember getting there and telling her that I had forgotten my work clothes for the following day. I remember her asking me if all I needed was a collared shirt. I think she also offered to smoke a bowl with me. Whether I did or not is not clear.
I wake up to the sound of her telling me to turn the f@cking alarm clock off and get to work.
I am horrified. She is still half asleep (we slept in the same bed) and obviously doesn't realize that I just P@ssed in her bed. I am fully awake now and do not have the ability to say, "hey I just peed in your bed, I'm so sorry" or whatever the heck you are supposed to say to someone when something like that happens.
I'm supposed to be at work in one hour.
Luckily (I guess) it was one of the biggest snow storms of the year and I just go home and fall into bed for another five hours, not even bothering to call work and tell them I wont be there.
I show up at work the next day and explain to them that I could not get my car out of the driveway, and having lost my cell phone, there was no way for me to call.
They accepted and everything is fine.
I KNOW I have a problem. The entire next day after that I thought to myself that I may actually stop drinking now. That this may be my rock bottom.
I am on my way home from work tonight and get the urge. I stop off and get a twelve pack and go to work.
My boyfriend is out of town until next Monday. We have lived together since last may and though he is a heavy drinker, he is not a problem drinker. I have had many instances before that caused me to want to stop, and his theory is that I may need to stop, or I may just need to cut down. He is at a loss for what to do, as am I.
This is not my first battle with addiction. I was a meth addict for three years when I was a teenager. IV addict. I was 95 pounds, live, breath and (didn't) sleep meth. I went to prison when I was nineteen for revoking my probation for possession and have not used the drug since.
however.... my boyfriend has since discovered that he cannot keep any kind of narcotic painkiller or marijuana (even though he only smokes twice a year at most) in the house because it will not remain long. Same goes for beer and liquor, though I usually keep some kind of alcohol in the house.

I really just want to hear you guys' comments... I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I've tried everything from AA to Zen meditation... no joke... am I a hopeless cause?

Sauced in St. Louis

Miss Pink

Omega....you might want to post over on our Alcoholism forum, its for those who want to stop drinking. This is the friends/family forum, of which you are most welcome anytime.

Nope, you are hopeless....alcoholism can be relieved, dont know why you werent sucessful with AA, unless you didnt follow the suggestions. It def works for everyone who works the AA program, and not the Omega program.

Keep posting....you will find hope and help here.

SugarLily

My alcoholic ex occassionaly wet the bed. It was when he was completely drunk and not able to control his own body. The last time it happened was at my mums house when we were visiting. He freaked out when he woke up in the morning - embarrassed I guess. He was shouting about what to do - yeah - always expected me to sort out his mess. I was still half asleep (it was 6am) I muttered something about him being a grown man and he could sort his own problems out. I got called a **** in return.

Their behaviour is NEVER their fault - always someone else.

It's tiring.

steve11694

"he's freaking shaving his head!!! and ever so slowly....I figure he's just trying to get on my nerves...but then again he's cut himself several times and is bleeding..."




May I suggest you hand him the old fashioned barbers straight razor to continue the job..