What wxactly am I mourning?
 

Am I mourning the cold eyes and hard fist? Am I craving the stench of alchol that fills the room when he comes home... if he comes home?? I know he's ****. I know I hated myself every time I gave in to him. So why when I see him now, and he's out drinking himself into a mess, why when he's cornered me and is screaming in my face, does it seem like all I do is look into his eyes and see the man I promised to love enternally and unconditionally?:wtf2

I think you are mourning the fantasy of what a "real" marriage/relaytionship should be.
I still have moments like this (I'm still with my AH).
It's the storybook romance- the happily ever after.
But life is NOT a romance novel or a fairy tale that ends happily ever after.

You are grieving the dream, not the reality. You could still be grieving that dream while you stayed. At least now you don't have to live the harsh reality.

I could quote Angel and JT word for word. That fantasy still comes back to try to make me believe it was real. I think about the XABF getting married next month and for a second it bothers me. But then I remind myself of the reality - much like yours. I have to force myself to remember the true side of him - the side that threatened to call the cops on me when I wanted to talk with him about his addictions. I remember how I told him I would not stand for his cruel behavior in public, for the emotional abuse. I remember that it was ME who told him NO I would not marry HIM. How can a person have sour grapes when it's something I didn't WANT?! It's ridiculous!

I cannot help that the feelings come. But I can help how long they stay around. And I am DETERMINED they'll be gone as fast as they came.

You are mourning what should have been hun.....just like the rest of us...welcome to reality....it's sad and very unforgettable.....

To me, after 25 years together the hurt and pain of watching someone I loved so much destroy his life and mine, I fell out of love with him. He became someone I thought he would never become. Looking back I see nothing but selfishness on his part. He always bought the best of everything for himself while the kids and I shopped at second hand stores and took other peoples furniture clothing whatever they gave us. I wanted a family he wanted to drink,it's as simple as that. I have been unable to locate him for 6 weeks now as I need to get him to sign the papers to sell our home. No one has heard from him,he could be dead somewhere for all I know. I beleive when you lose the love and respect for them it is very hard to get back.

"I beleive when you lose the love and respect for them it is very hard to get back."

AWEDA, I share your feelings completely. I remember at the end facing away in bed from my XABF and when he put a hand on me, I pulled away. Right then I knew that old feeling I'd had with my XH years ago. When I pull away physically, it coincides with me pulling away emotionally, and that is all a result of losing love and respect.

Losing that love and respect doesn't mean that I don't still wish that he would save his life. It just means that our relationship as it was had ended. Now knowing what I know about him ... a much bigger picture ... I do not see how it is possible that I could ever get that love and respect back. Very sad, but I have a much better life now!