egadsby

Hello - my girlfriend has two and a half years sober, and we've been dating for a year and a half. She's in AA, goes regularly, has a sponsor and is generally amazing and really getting her life back in shape.

The problem lies in the fact that she's still so much in recovery, and she's still not sure how to cope with living a whole new life. We're blissfully happy for three months or so at a time, then she just, for want of a better phrase, freaks out. She turns cold, looks at everything negatively, lashes out, gets angry or upset for no reason I can see, becomes cruel and critical and is just impossible to live with.

I try and follow chapter eight of the big book, I try and give her space and bear in mind that she's sick and try not to react to her provocation but it gets hard. It lasts from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, then we go back to being happy again.

My questions are - will it always be like this? If we stay together is this just something I have to learn to live with? Will this kind of thing get better as she gets more years under her belt, or is it simply just a part of her addictive personality?

We're taking things very slowly. We don't live together and don't plan to for a while. But I get worried about the future - particularly children. I'm an adult and can take some tantrums in my stride. But it would break my heart if children who didn't know any better had to grow up with a mother who was angry at them for no reason.

Help!

miss communicat

Hi there egadsby,

welcome to sr! Glad you found us.

It sounds like you and your gf have a pretty positive and solid relationship, that needs work on the communication. Have you clearly expressed to her how you feel when she freaks out, how it makes you feel living in fear of another episode, how you are concerned for the future and possibly innocent children>?

I cant speak for her, but I myself am a sobner recovering Alcoholic woman who until very recently had very little concept of how my behaviour impacted those near me.

Maybe you two can have some counseling to address your concerns and allow this to come to the table before it develops into a bigger problem left unaddressed.

The good news is that, with continued sobriety with a good program and sponsorship, your gf stands every chance of improving rather than deteriorating. But, she will not if she is not motivated.
So, I'd speak up.

good luck! Let us know how it goes.

egadsby

Thanks so much for your response. It helps just to know I'm not the only person out there who is dealing with this stuff!

I've tried talking to her about it a few times, but she denies that that's what happens - she gets angry when I bring it up, and we get nowhere. I'm scared that we fell in love too early in her recovery, and that it will jeopardise what might have been something wonderful.

Is one year sober too early to start dating?

Rowan

Your girlfriend could be me. I have had a couple of sober relationships, and I threw tantrums. More than anything, I see now, I was full of fear and didn't know how to respond appropriately. I was terrified - and I couldn't tell you of what.
I think counselling for the both of you is a terrific idea - and even better if it's with someone who understands addiction.
There are no hard and fast rules surrounding dating in the first year and beyond. Everyone is different. Focus on the positive (and it sounds like there is plenty) - and speak with a neutral third party about this together, and hopefully you'll be able to build further on your relationship. Good luck

WLDKATZ

sounds an awful lot like me, sounds like a combination of things ever heard of bipolor? yeah well mine was masked by the booze just an idea.......good luck