I'm about to pull the plug on financing rehab
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I'm about to pull the plug on financing rehab
Whoo Nellie. I am going to slow this decision down and figure out what is BEST FOR ME!! Even tho he is willing to go- my money would probably get same results on a table in Vegas.
Instead of paying for rehab it may be time to just detach. I've wanted him to say he'd go for the last 3 yrs. and now that he has, I feel the burden and see lack of effort on his part...that would not guarantee a good result.
In calling approp. long-term rehabs
they want $6,500 - $27,000 a month. (WTF)
I was just about to sign on the financial obligation dotted line this week and now I am rethinking that decision and about to pull the plug on it.
He off his therapy appt. this week, came home with his hair back in a mohawk and another nose piercing ( this one right through the bridge of his nose just below his eyes. I got sick when I saw it. Last night he had two friends over to drink a case of beer and bottlle of scotch. I just got home and he didn't even bother to throw the bottles away.
That is a huge $$$committment on my part and he is not showing any seriousness about trying in any way to address the addiction now.
I think he is just admitting to going away for a yr. is because it will be an escape from the life he is leading.
I don't think I can put out that kind of money and work to pay for it
when I don't see any effort on his part to get sober. He started takin meds for depression but cont. to drink. None of the friends he has work. etc etc
Right now I am feelin' like just an option to him. He is making no effort to clear up his financial or legal issues. He is not working at anything.
Maybe I will remodel my kitchen with the money.
Instead of paying for rehab it may be time to just detach. I've wanted him to say he'd go for the last 3 yrs. and now that he has, I feel the burden and see lack of effort on his part...that would not guarantee a good result.
In calling approp. long-term rehabs
they want $6,500 - $27,000 a month. (WTF)
I was just about to sign on the financial obligation dotted line this week and now I am rethinking that decision and about to pull the plug on it.
He off his therapy appt. this week, came home with his hair back in a mohawk and another nose piercing ( this one right through the bridge of his nose just below his eyes. I got sick when I saw it. Last night he had two friends over to drink a case of beer and bottlle of scotch. I just got home and he didn't even bother to throw the bottles away.
That is a huge $$$committment on my part and he is not showing any seriousness about trying in any way to address the addiction now.
I think he is just admitting to going away for a yr. is because it will be an escape from the life he is leading.
I don't think I can put out that kind of money and work to pay for it
when I don't see any effort on his part to get sober. He started takin meds for depression but cont. to drink. None of the friends he has work. etc etc
Right now I am feelin' like just an option to him. He is making no effort to clear up his financial or legal issues. He is not working at anything.
Maybe I will remodel my kitchen with the money.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
just remember,,,he isnt sober yet, so the same typical addicted behavior is present. Doesnt matter HIS reasons for going to treatment.....they will work hard to penetrate his denial, anger etc. Its like an emotional boot camp, and a year is dang good amount of time for him to be smothered in spiritual healing.
Might I suggest you pray on this matter.....there are no guarantees he will recover , just like there is no guarantee a leukemia patient will recover even if they have chemo, or bone marrow transplants. Ya just do what you an do, and let God do the rest.
Might I suggest you pray on this matter.....there are no guarantees he will recover , just like there is no guarantee a leukemia patient will recover even if they have chemo, or bone marrow transplants. Ya just do what you an do, and let God do the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
There are options for rehab that are not so pricey.
I can sure understand your relectance to make that large of a financial commitment. Its not easy to take that on. All I can say is that I did something similar with my then 14 yo son. His problems were edging toward drug use, there were all sorts of discipline issues and his father and I followed the advice of his therapist/psychiatrist and sent our son to one of those bootcamp wilderness schools for a year. It cost over $50K for the year. But it was the best investment I'll ever make. My son came home a different person, is now at 18 in his first year of college and doing very well in life as a whole. I think if we hadn't done that then my son would be where yours is now, udsing drugs, drinking or in jail. Several of his "friends" back then are now in jail for a variety of crimes.
Your son is much older and has different issues. I don't know whether I would be willing to spend that much on a rehab place for a young adult when there are alternatives that can indeed work. Taking time to think and pray on this might be the right thing to do.
Just why is it that you are tolerating his behavior in your home though?
I can sure understand your relectance to make that large of a financial commitment. Its not easy to take that on. All I can say is that I did something similar with my then 14 yo son. His problems were edging toward drug use, there were all sorts of discipline issues and his father and I followed the advice of his therapist/psychiatrist and sent our son to one of those bootcamp wilderness schools for a year. It cost over $50K for the year. But it was the best investment I'll ever make. My son came home a different person, is now at 18 in his first year of college and doing very well in life as a whole. I think if we hadn't done that then my son would be where yours is now, udsing drugs, drinking or in jail. Several of his "friends" back then are now in jail for a variety of crimes.
Your son is much older and has different issues. I don't know whether I would be willing to spend that much on a rehab place for a young adult when there are alternatives that can indeed work. Taking time to think and pray on this might be the right thing to do.
Just why is it that you are tolerating his behavior in your home though?
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
My treatment center was for my eating disorder @ it was Really Expensive I was there for three months. It saved my life, I'm pretty sure of it. Best thing that ever happened to me.
I found it in the back of a shape magazine it was my first choice, I did a lot of research, a lot of fighting, etc. to get in there. As much as my mom loved me she had nothing to do with it. She never paid a dime for any of that treatment and actually didn't even do any of the fighting to get me in there. She didn't even know I was going there until right before I left to go on the plane.
One day I got mad, or scared more or less, ran away, the owners found me brought me back and I said I wanted to leave. After talking to me and reasoning with me, then then told me, they'd tell my insurance company something, so I would have to pay it all out of my 'own' pocket, lol. I stayed.
Just telling you my experience. It kind of still shocks me when I think that I was able to do all that on my own, and figure it out. But I was sick of being sick and I wanted help and I got it. I was still throwing up, starving and whatnot up till the day I went in, but everyone around me knew I wanted help, I couldn't help what I was doing, but you knew I was dying for help...
I would go with your gut.
I found it in the back of a shape magazine it was my first choice, I did a lot of research, a lot of fighting, etc. to get in there. As much as my mom loved me she had nothing to do with it. She never paid a dime for any of that treatment and actually didn't even do any of the fighting to get me in there. She didn't even know I was going there until right before I left to go on the plane.
One day I got mad, or scared more or less, ran away, the owners found me brought me back and I said I wanted to leave. After talking to me and reasoning with me, then then told me, they'd tell my insurance company something, so I would have to pay it all out of my 'own' pocket, lol. I stayed.
Just telling you my experience. It kind of still shocks me when I think that I was able to do all that on my own, and figure it out. But I was sick of being sick and I wanted help and I got it. I was still throwing up, starving and whatnot up till the day I went in, but everyone around me knew I wanted help, I couldn't help what I was doing, but you knew I was dying for help...
I would go with your gut.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker 
Maybe I will remodel my kitchen with the money.
freya
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Wow...awesome feedback.
"Just why is it that you are tolerating his behavior in your home though?" That is the very quest. I am also pondering. Son just came home and I told him my truth.
I told him the plug is about to be pulled on it all.
I know a yr. of rehab could work a miracle in his life, but wanting him to want it more in advance may be too much for him. But I have heard too many times "until they want to get sober, they won't" Thanks for the good feedback, ANY body else w/ their two cents I would love to hear.
"Just why is it that you are tolerating his behavior in your home though?" That is the very quest. I am also pondering. Son just came home and I told him my truth.
I told him the plug is about to be pulled on it all.
I know a yr. of rehab could work a miracle in his life, but wanting him to want it more in advance may be too much for him. But I have heard too many times "until they want to get sober, they won't" Thanks for the good feedback, ANY body else w/ their two cents I would love to hear.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
My son attended a rehab when he was 18. He slowed down for awhile after that but the cycle continued. What it took was his 'own' desire to quit. It took several years and some severe consequences to get his attention.
There are free programs, halfway houses and ......meetings. Alot of people get clean and sober without attending rehabs. It's all about willingness and the level of desperation.
There are free programs, halfway houses and ......meetings. Alot of people get clean and sober without attending rehabs. It's all about willingness and the level of desperation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Years ago, my brother was in court ordered alcohol counseling (either that or go to jail) and he would stop on the way home and buy beer. He joked about it. So you can see how seriously THAT was taken.
If you are REALLY serious about putting him out unless he changes his ways, then you REALLY need to follow through if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. My mother would threaten and threaten and threaten and in the end, she did nothing. Not only that, but she funded half of his lifestyle for him. He wasn't afraid of the consequences, because he knew there wouldn't be any. He had NO incentive to change.
So in the end, she wipes out her savings account to buy him a place to live in order to get him out of her house, and she hasn't solved the problem at all. He will be right back on her doorstep as soon as he realizes that he has to do a little bit of work and think for himself.
Save your money, or if you must do something-- help him find an apartment.
If you are REALLY serious about putting him out unless he changes his ways, then you REALLY need to follow through if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. My mother would threaten and threaten and threaten and in the end, she did nothing. Not only that, but she funded half of his lifestyle for him. He wasn't afraid of the consequences, because he knew there wouldn't be any. He had NO incentive to change.
So in the end, she wipes out her savings account to buy him a place to live in order to get him out of her house, and she hasn't solved the problem at all. He will be right back on her doorstep as soon as he realizes that he has to do a little bit of work and think for himself.
Save your money, or if you must do something-- help him find an apartment.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
He found drugs/alcohol on his own, he can find recovery on his own. There are a lot of people in his life who he can turn to, and he knows it -
Even if you saw signs of what you thought were a serious desire to quit using, you still should not pay for it - it's his problem to solve - don't deny him that opportunity.......
I saw a good "open talk" by Craig Ferguson on youtube (craig ferguson speaks from the heart). He talks about being 15 years sober, what led to his "bottom,", and his thoughts on his journey since then - he was 29 and did not call his mom when he was ready for help - he called someone else..... Craig Ferguson apparently played the boss on the Drew Carey show....
Even if you saw signs of what you thought were a serious desire to quit using, you still should not pay for it - it's his problem to solve - don't deny him that opportunity.......
I saw a good "open talk" by Craig Ferguson on youtube (craig ferguson speaks from the heart). He talks about being 15 years sober, what led to his "bottom,", and his thoughts on his journey since then - he was 29 and did not call his mom when he was ready for help - he called someone else..... Craig Ferguson apparently played the boss on the Drew Carey show....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 25
Spirit -
That is a LOT of money to blow on somebody who's current behaviors insinuate he has NO intention of following through OR gaining any benefit from rehab. I think he may be more serious about rehab if he was spending his own money.
That's plenty of money to get yourself a competent divorce attorney and move yourself far far away from this poisonous person. Or if you don't want to move away, send HIM someplace far far away via FedEx (see Miss Pink's post today - they'll ship anything anywhere multiple times in one week!)
$50,000 is a big chunk of cash. You can get a decent college education for that - or a good down payment on a cozy beach house. Start a new dream for yourself and let him finance his own mess.
I hop down off my soapbox now......
That is a LOT of money to blow on somebody who's current behaviors insinuate he has NO intention of following through OR gaining any benefit from rehab. I think he may be more serious about rehab if he was spending his own money.
That's plenty of money to get yourself a competent divorce attorney and move yourself far far away from this poisonous person. Or if you don't want to move away, send HIM someplace far far away via FedEx (see Miss Pink's post today - they'll ship anything anywhere multiple times in one week!)
$50,000 is a big chunk of cash. You can get a decent college education for that - or a good down payment on a cozy beach house. Start a new dream for yourself and let him finance his own mess.
I hop down off my soapbox now......
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by sojourner
He found drugs/alcohol on his own, he can find recovery on his own. There are a lot of people in his life who he can turn to, and he knows it -
...
...
Way to wake up, Nellie! Spirit, he is no where near that point where he has shown that he is deserving of your financial help. I'm with you all the way on this one. I saw a seriously fine drop from the ceiling, Glass hooded oven fan the other day!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
It sounds to me like all he said is that he would do it, he would go to treatment. That means nothing, absolutely nothing. He was drinking a case of beer and scotch with friends the night before--that is NOT a sign of a person who seeks recovery! He may very well go and even finish this treatment program, but it sure doesn't seem like his heart is in it. Your money will be squandered away and you will come out of this ordeal feeling even more frustrated, angry, sick, and resentful.
If he wishes to recover, let him do the research and make the arrangements re: treatment center. Let him consider the costs and arrange financing, if possible. I am aware of several programs in my locale that allow participants to make payments, even if it's $5 a month! Some programs are free. Put the burden of effort on his shoulders and be there for support, but don't take on a huge debt unless you're absolutely sure that he honest to god wants to be sober.
If he wishes to recover, let him do the research and make the arrangements re: treatment center. Let him consider the costs and arrange financing, if possible. I am aware of several programs in my locale that allow participants to make payments, even if it's $5 a month! Some programs are free. Put the burden of effort on his shoulders and be there for support, but don't take on a huge debt unless you're absolutely sure that he honest to god wants to be sober.
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My son was within 10 days to going to espensive rehab for one yr. This time I am the one about to Pull the option off the table. Part of me thinks once in treatment he would come to see how serious his disease is. But my gut is telling me the date would have come, the deposit paid, airfares purchased and he would have bulked and not gone.
I know that addiction is a " disease of motivation"
Yet I want him to be motivated to recover.
If he does agree to go, a cheaper program will ease my willingness to pay.
If he doesn't go, I have DECIDED that he will be given a specific short per. of time
to demonstrate going to mtgs. and securing a job. If not, I am prepared to have him move out. The last time I kicked him out I rarely saw him for several yrs.
I am positive this will happen again. But I will still do what is right!
I struggled not knowing where he was, but I struggle now watching his life deteriorate again. I have to do what is in my BEST interest now.
I know that addiction is a " disease of motivation"
Yet I want him to be motivated to recover.
If he does agree to go, a cheaper program will ease my willingness to pay.
If he doesn't go, I have DECIDED that he will be given a specific short per. of time
to demonstrate going to mtgs. and securing a job. If not, I am prepared to have him move out. The last time I kicked him out I rarely saw him for several yrs.
I am positive this will happen again. But I will still do what is right!
I struggled not knowing where he was, but I struggle now watching his life deteriorate again. I have to do what is in my BEST interest now.
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