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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Newbie
Hi,
Wow, I'd so glad I found this site..! A bit of background: I was with my XAGF for about ten years. It was a real roller-coaster of a relationship as, when she was reasonable sober, she was lovely. When she was drunk she was volatile, hostile, abusive and scary. By the end I'd made repeated "It's me or the booze" ultimatums and it was clear that she had no real intention of getting help at the time so we split up a year or so ago. Hardest decision of my life but one that, in hindsight, was the only one I could make. I realised that I came a distant second place to her need to drink and I could no longer live my life that way. Aaaanyway....
After she moved out her drinking worsened and it was badly affecting our children. I contacted social services and, to cut a long and painful story short, our kids were placed on the At-Risk register and I've got them living with me full-time. XAGF has been seeing them on a regular basis but, despite social services-mandated counselling etc, she's not managed more than a few weeks sober at a stretch. A couple of weeks ago her latest BF left her (I since found out she treated him exactly the same as me, so I got some much-needed validation that it wasn't all my fault) and since then she's been going downhill rapidly. I think she's got to the point where she's continuing to drink to stave off the withdrawal as she gets pretty bad these days with the shakes, panic attacks, and hallucinations.
The recent events have really brought home to me how she relied on having other people around to drag her back from the brink every time. As she's on her own right now, there's no-one there to watch over her and stop her getting more drink. She's refusing to go to her doctor or her counsellor and she's attended a couple of AA meetings but decided she didn't like it and so hasn't gone back. Instead, she's been desperately trying to drag me back into the Care-Taker role but I can't do that any more. It's too draining and, with two kids, a job and a home to try to maintain, I have neither the time nor energy. I have been talking to our social worker to see if there's anything that can be done but the social worker had to gently remind me that all the resources are there for XAGF to get proper help if she wanted it but, right now, she doesn't. She just wants someone to "make it all better" for now while still keeping open the opportunity to drink again in the future.
It's sad, is what it is. And I've got a real internal debate going on over whether I'm doing the right thing. Intellectually I know I am - I've been to Al-Anon in the past and would go again today if the meeting time didn't clash with kids stuff - but emotionally it's still hard to see someone crashing and burning so badly. I dunno if it's compassion or co-dependence driving that particular feeling. All I can do is choose not to act on it.
Enough rambling from me. I'm really glad that there's somewhere that I can find people who understand what's going on.
Mr B
P.S. I just scrolled down the browser window to find the "Post" button and this is the first thing that caught my eye and made me laugh out loud - :codiepolice
If that doesn't just sum it up perfectly...
Wow, I'd so glad I found this site..! A bit of background: I was with my XAGF for about ten years. It was a real roller-coaster of a relationship as, when she was reasonable sober, she was lovely. When she was drunk she was volatile, hostile, abusive and scary. By the end I'd made repeated "It's me or the booze" ultimatums and it was clear that she had no real intention of getting help at the time so we split up a year or so ago. Hardest decision of my life but one that, in hindsight, was the only one I could make. I realised that I came a distant second place to her need to drink and I could no longer live my life that way. Aaaanyway....
After she moved out her drinking worsened and it was badly affecting our children. I contacted social services and, to cut a long and painful story short, our kids were placed on the At-Risk register and I've got them living with me full-time. XAGF has been seeing them on a regular basis but, despite social services-mandated counselling etc, she's not managed more than a few weeks sober at a stretch. A couple of weeks ago her latest BF left her (I since found out she treated him exactly the same as me, so I got some much-needed validation that it wasn't all my fault) and since then she's been going downhill rapidly. I think she's got to the point where she's continuing to drink to stave off the withdrawal as she gets pretty bad these days with the shakes, panic attacks, and hallucinations.
The recent events have really brought home to me how she relied on having other people around to drag her back from the brink every time. As she's on her own right now, there's no-one there to watch over her and stop her getting more drink. She's refusing to go to her doctor or her counsellor and she's attended a couple of AA meetings but decided she didn't like it and so hasn't gone back. Instead, she's been desperately trying to drag me back into the Care-Taker role but I can't do that any more. It's too draining and, with two kids, a job and a home to try to maintain, I have neither the time nor energy. I have been talking to our social worker to see if there's anything that can be done but the social worker had to gently remind me that all the resources are there for XAGF to get proper help if she wanted it but, right now, she doesn't. She just wants someone to "make it all better" for now while still keeping open the opportunity to drink again in the future.
It's sad, is what it is. And I've got a real internal debate going on over whether I'm doing the right thing. Intellectually I know I am - I've been to Al-Anon in the past and would go again today if the meeting time didn't clash with kids stuff - but emotionally it's still hard to see someone crashing and burning so badly. I dunno if it's compassion or co-dependence driving that particular feeling. All I can do is choose not to act on it.
Enough rambling from me. I'm really glad that there's somewhere that I can find people who understand what's going on.
Mr B
P.S. I just scrolled down the browser window to find the "Post" button and this is the first thing that caught my eye and made me laugh out loud - :codiepolice
If that doesn't just sum it up perfectly...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Mr. B. Glad you found us.
I understand the struggles of watching someone I cared about crash and burn...wondering if I was doing the right thing, etc. There's nothing at all wrong with having compassion for someone like that.
But like you said, although it's a struggle, all we can do is choose not to act on it. It's very hard at times though!
As you read through the other threads here, and the stickies at the top of the forum too, you will see many stories similiar to yours, how we got through it, or are still struggling to make it through.
I'm sure others will be along to welcome you shortly.
Keep coming back!
I understand the struggles of watching someone I cared about crash and burn...wondering if I was doing the right thing, etc. There's nothing at all wrong with having compassion for someone like that.
But like you said, although it's a struggle, all we can do is choose not to act on it. It's very hard at times though!
As you read through the other threads here, and the stickies at the top of the forum too, you will see many stories similiar to yours, how we got through it, or are still struggling to make it through.
I'm sure others will be along to welcome you shortly.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
It is hard indeed to watch someone destroy themselves. Stepping in won't help her and I think you know that. You first concern is yourself and your kids. None of you need the upheaval letting your XAGF back in to your lives would mean. Stay strong for those kids. Feel compassion (as if any of us can turn that off) but don't act in ways you know aren't healthy or helpful.
It is hard indeed to watch someone destroy themselves. Stepping in won't help her and I think you know that. You first concern is yourself and your kids. None of you need the upheaval letting your XAGF back in to your lives would mean. Stay strong for those kids. Feel compassion (as if any of us can turn that off) but don't act in ways you know aren't healthy or helpful.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Mr. B! Glad that you found us! This is a great place to be-
A lot here can relate to what you are going through! IMHO you sound like you are in a great place and that you know what YOU and THE KIDS need and that is a good thing!
It is hard to watch people we love crash and burn-I watched my XABF and 3 of my brothers-one has now finally by HIS CHOICE placed himself in a wonderful program!
I do not know if you ever considered going to Al-Anon? It could honestly help you with some of those feelings that you are struggling with. It is something you may want to give a try-a meeting or two. I have learned many tools to keep me from having those feelings of "Am I doing the right thing?".
Please keep posting and check out the stickies at the top of the forum they are full of great stuff!
Glad that you are here!
A lot here can relate to what you are going through! IMHO you sound like you are in a great place and that you know what YOU and THE KIDS need and that is a good thing!
It is hard to watch people we love crash and burn-I watched my XABF and 3 of my brothers-one has now finally by HIS CHOICE placed himself in a wonderful program!
I do not know if you ever considered going to Al-Anon? It could honestly help you with some of those feelings that you are struggling with. It is something you may want to give a try-a meeting or two. I have learned many tools to keep me from having those feelings of "Am I doing the right thing?".
Please keep posting and check out the stickies at the top of the forum they are full of great stuff!
Glad that you are here!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Van Alstyne Texas
Posts: 13
B,
With my AW I kept thinking a miracle of some sort would occur, prodded by me, family, AA, what have you. What happened is clever manipulations to keep drinking at any cost, and that's just the way it is. Congrats on separating yourself, I'm still in limbo, resulting in living out of bags in our own house! She is currently busying herself detoxing in a facility. Congrats on not being married to her, I've been robbed from one attorney already. How is it that she has access to your kids? It seems like kids learn this behavior, making her seeing them potentially a lousy idea.
Steve
With my AW I kept thinking a miracle of some sort would occur, prodded by me, family, AA, what have you. What happened is clever manipulations to keep drinking at any cost, and that's just the way it is. Congrats on separating yourself, I'm still in limbo, resulting in living out of bags in our own house! She is currently busying herself detoxing in a facility. Congrats on not being married to her, I've been robbed from one attorney already. How is it that she has access to your kids? It seems like kids learn this behavior, making her seeing them potentially a lousy idea.
Steve
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome to SR Mr B. Stick to your guns with your xagf. Perhaps now she is truely one her own with no one to rescue or enable her she will hit her bottom.
Keep thinking/doing the best for yourself and the kids
Love
Lily xxxxxxxxxx
Keep thinking/doing the best for yourself and the kids
Love
Lily xxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, Mr B, I'm very glad you are here with us. I applaud your courage to keep your kids with you in a good environment. I don't know if it is within your legal parameters or not, but perhaps you should look into her having only supervised visitation or no visitation at all unless she sobers up. Considering the shape she's in at this time, I don't think her being around the children is a particularly good thing.
It sounds as if you have your hands full and the last thing you need is an A who just wants every family member involved to go into denial mode so she can move back in, drink herself silly, and have access to her kids. Ugh. Not a pleasant scenario.
You're carrying a heavy load, but protecting the children from exposure to alcoholism is of paramount importance, whether the A likes it or not! Stressful though it is, you ARE doing what is best for all concerned. If your ex does not want help, that is her decision to own.
And, yes, I am very up-close and personally acquainted with watching the A in my life deteriorate and it ain't pretty. Please keep posting so we can know how it's going.
It sounds as if you have your hands full and the last thing you need is an A who just wants every family member involved to go into denial mode so she can move back in, drink herself silly, and have access to her kids. Ugh. Not a pleasant scenario.
You're carrying a heavy load, but protecting the children from exposure to alcoholism is of paramount importance, whether the A likes it or not! Stressful though it is, you ARE doing what is best for all concerned. If your ex does not want help, that is her decision to own.
And, yes, I am very up-close and personally acquainted with watching the A in my life deteriorate and it ain't pretty. Please keep posting so we can know how it's going.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. I'm glad for your kids that you have custody and can keep them safe. There are some good children's books out for young kids with and alcoholic parent. Alanon offers one called "What's Drunk, Mama?" Maybe your social worker can give you some other resources for the kids too. Alateen may also have some literature for children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Thanks everyone for your kind words. It seems that XAGF persuaded her brother to come and rescue her and I got a reasonably sober call from her last night. She's going through withdrawal now.
She spouted lots of "I know I need to get my life in order" type stuff which, if it was the first time I've heard it I might put some hope towards but I've heard it so many times before that I find it hard to believe any more. Particularly as there were still quite a few self-justifications, omissions of truths and prevarications in what she was saying. She seems to still be in the "I drink because I've got problems" mind-set. Meh. I'll believe she's being serious about it when she's got 6 months or a year sober under her belt. It's 50:50 whether she'll last out the weekend sober as I think her brother's gone back home so she's on her own again and, even if she manages that, my best guess is that she'll be drinking again within two months.
The situation with her access to the children is being driven by social services. Their remit is, as much as possible, to maintain family relationships. As the social worker (SW) explained it to me, we have to see what XAGF is actually capable of before any final decisions can be made. I don't have legal sole custody; the basis for the children living with me full time is, essentially, that if they don't then they'll be taken into care. The legal custody route is something I'm seriously considering right now as I have no faith left that XAGF is ever going to change and me having sole custody would mean that the kids no longer needed to be on the At-Risk register. There's simply no risk when they're with me.
XAGF has to pass a breath-test before she picks up the children for her contact time and, as she hasn't even tried over the last couple of weeks, she's had no contact. Last night when I spoke to her she was trying to get me to let her see the kids this weekend but I deferred that decision to the SW.
Once the SW's had a chance to talk to XAGF (today, hopefully) then SW will come to see me and we can discuss what the next step is. We're lucky in that the SW is really good and seems to be very experienced in dealing with alcohol issues. SW is much more interested in what XAGF does rather than what she promises, for instance; it took me a long time to learn that particular lesson myself.
As best I can tell, SW's opinion is that XAGF has seriously blown it now. For me, I'm sick and tired of the drama.
Thanks again to you all.
Mr B
She spouted lots of "I know I need to get my life in order" type stuff which, if it was the first time I've heard it I might put some hope towards but I've heard it so many times before that I find it hard to believe any more. Particularly as there were still quite a few self-justifications, omissions of truths and prevarications in what she was saying. She seems to still be in the "I drink because I've got problems" mind-set. Meh. I'll believe she's being serious about it when she's got 6 months or a year sober under her belt. It's 50:50 whether she'll last out the weekend sober as I think her brother's gone back home so she's on her own again and, even if she manages that, my best guess is that she'll be drinking again within two months.
The situation with her access to the children is being driven by social services. Their remit is, as much as possible, to maintain family relationships. As the social worker (SW) explained it to me, we have to see what XAGF is actually capable of before any final decisions can be made. I don't have legal sole custody; the basis for the children living with me full time is, essentially, that if they don't then they'll be taken into care. The legal custody route is something I'm seriously considering right now as I have no faith left that XAGF is ever going to change and me having sole custody would mean that the kids no longer needed to be on the At-Risk register. There's simply no risk when they're with me.
XAGF has to pass a breath-test before she picks up the children for her contact time and, as she hasn't even tried over the last couple of weeks, she's had no contact. Last night when I spoke to her she was trying to get me to let her see the kids this weekend but I deferred that decision to the SW.
Once the SW's had a chance to talk to XAGF (today, hopefully) then SW will come to see me and we can discuss what the next step is. We're lucky in that the SW is really good and seems to be very experienced in dealing with alcohol issues. SW is much more interested in what XAGF does rather than what she promises, for instance; it took me a long time to learn that particular lesson myself.
As best I can tell, SW's opinion is that XAGF has seriously blown it now. For me, I'm sick and tired of the drama.
Thanks again to you all.
Mr B
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Mr B 
It's sad, is what it is. And I've got a real internal debate going on over whether I'm doing the right thing. Intellectually I know I am - I've been to Al-Anon in the past and would go again today if the meeting time didn't clash with kids stuff - but emotionally it's still hard to see someone crashing and burning so badly. I dunno if it's compassion or co-dependence driving that particular feeling. All I can do is choose not to act on it.
You are way ahead of the game, in my opinion, because you did what you had to do to remove yourself and your children from that way of life. Good for you! Welcome and keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by hope2bhappy
To me, this is not being codependent, but rather one human being saddened by the suffering of another human being -- and the mother of your children, no less. I believe codependency is defined more by our actions than by our feelings. You are right... it is so sad.
Mr B.
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