Ready to burst!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: MO
Posts: 32
Ready to burst!!!
I feel like I am just going to explode!!! My AH is breaking my heart...AGAIN!!!
Yesterday I had a pretty crappy day but so what. My son and I had dinner and when the hubby came home we were playing cards. He asked to join in. OK, this makes me happy because I have been on his case about doing things as a family. Then we sit outside and he enjoys his six pack....ahhhhhhhhhh!!! After he has a good buzz going he decides he's going in without a word to me. So, I clean up everything and get my son ready for bed. He's in the kitchen getting a fix for the muchies and I tell him I'm going to go try and relax by getting on the puter for awhile. He starts giving me crap and trying to guilt me. I was really pissed since he was going to eat then go pass out. I'm sorry but I didn't know I wasn't allowed to have time to myself either.
So, this morning I was being kinda distant and he asked why and I explained that he hurt my feelings. Here it comes.....blah, blah blah, blah, blah. All my fault, just kidding, pitty potty....on and on. Never an apology....never even tried to understand. I'm so sick of this. I am trying to change, and yet its so hard
He keeps telling me HE is going to change but never does. I know I should accept that, but its so damn hard. And quite honestly it hurts! He said he wanted to go to counseling but never even bothers to pick up a phone. He is hiding crap on his computer again........really, does he think I'm stupid???? He says he is going to do stuff around the house, but never does. Oh yeah...and theres the drinking.
I am so tired of the excuses!!! I'm tired of being told he doesn't make excuses. And whats the number one excuse...........ME! It's all my damn fault. And because I have started attending Al-anon and coming here HE thinks I am not supposed to get angry. Screw that! I am learning to control the anger but damn it I am still angry..............and I have the right to be angry. I really think he thinks I'm just supposed to be the little meek suportive wife who oks his actions no matter what. Well, thats not going to happen in this lifetime!
WHY IS IT SO HARD???? I love him very much. I want a husband who will love me back and respect me. Am I just kidding myself that he even loves me? I HATE the alcohol but I love him. I wish when I reached out for him he would get it. I want to spend time with him sober, my son wants to spend time with him sober, I want a family and a home with him. I thought we were both fighting for this marriage but now I feel all alone again. And I hate to be negative but now that I pissed him off its just another excuse to drink. Just what he needs...another excuse.
OK, I will stop rambling. Just need to try and get some of this out. My heart is breaking and it sucks! I just wish for once I could look forward to the weekend. What it must be like to spend quality time with a sober spouse. Instead I know I have a weekend of unpredictability and drunkness to look forward to. Is this hope that I have or am I just kidding myself???
Sunshine
Yesterday I had a pretty crappy day but so what. My son and I had dinner and when the hubby came home we were playing cards. He asked to join in. OK, this makes me happy because I have been on his case about doing things as a family. Then we sit outside and he enjoys his six pack....ahhhhhhhhhh!!! After he has a good buzz going he decides he's going in without a word to me. So, I clean up everything and get my son ready for bed. He's in the kitchen getting a fix for the muchies and I tell him I'm going to go try and relax by getting on the puter for awhile. He starts giving me crap and trying to guilt me. I was really pissed since he was going to eat then go pass out. I'm sorry but I didn't know I wasn't allowed to have time to myself either.
So, this morning I was being kinda distant and he asked why and I explained that he hurt my feelings. Here it comes.....blah, blah blah, blah, blah. All my fault, just kidding, pitty potty....on and on. Never an apology....never even tried to understand. I'm so sick of this. I am trying to change, and yet its so hard
He keeps telling me HE is going to change but never does. I know I should accept that, but its so damn hard. And quite honestly it hurts! He said he wanted to go to counseling but never even bothers to pick up a phone. He is hiding crap on his computer again........really, does he think I'm stupid???? He says he is going to do stuff around the house, but never does. Oh yeah...and theres the drinking.
I am so tired of the excuses!!! I'm tired of being told he doesn't make excuses. And whats the number one excuse...........ME! It's all my damn fault. And because I have started attending Al-anon and coming here HE thinks I am not supposed to get angry. Screw that! I am learning to control the anger but damn it I am still angry..............and I have the right to be angry. I really think he thinks I'm just supposed to be the little meek suportive wife who oks his actions no matter what. Well, thats not going to happen in this lifetime!
WHY IS IT SO HARD???? I love him very much. I want a husband who will love me back and respect me. Am I just kidding myself that he even loves me? I HATE the alcohol but I love him. I wish when I reached out for him he would get it. I want to spend time with him sober, my son wants to spend time with him sober, I want a family and a home with him. I thought we were both fighting for this marriage but now I feel all alone again. And I hate to be negative but now that I pissed him off its just another excuse to drink. Just what he needs...another excuse.
OK, I will stop rambling. Just need to try and get some of this out. My heart is breaking and it sucks! I just wish for once I could look forward to the weekend. What it must be like to spend quality time with a sober spouse. Instead I know I have a weekend of unpredictability and drunkness to look forward to. Is this hope that I have or am I just kidding myself???
Sunshine
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Sunshine,
Life is unpredictable whether you have a drunk spouse or a sober one. A big part our life and our day depends on which glasses we choose to look through. Can you try to look around and see what you DO have? Can you make a gratitude list? There must be things in your life that make you feel good...that you love and make you happy. Your hubby cannot bring you down unless you allow him too. And he is not responsible for your happiness.
The program of Alanon is about coming out of denial, seeing life for what it is and taking care of ourselves.
Hugs,
JT
Life is unpredictable whether you have a drunk spouse or a sober one. A big part our life and our day depends on which glasses we choose to look through. Can you try to look around and see what you DO have? Can you make a gratitude list? There must be things in your life that make you feel good...that you love and make you happy. Your hubby cannot bring you down unless you allow him too. And he is not responsible for your happiness.
The program of Alanon is about coming out of denial, seeing life for what it is and taking care of ourselves.
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: MO
Posts: 32
JT,
Thank-you for your response. I do have sooooooooo many things to be thankful for and when I am down I really think about them. I have the best little boy in the whole wide world and that is my number one blessing. My family is healthy and we have a fairly nice home. I kow there are so many out there with so little. So, I don't mean to sound ungrateful....just frustrated.
I understand what the program is about and I am learning more everyday. Only been at this for a month. Denial is a huge thing in our house. I finally stopped denying my part in this. I realize how I started fires or added fuel. I'm working very hard on not doing that anymore. However I do think I have the right to be angry sometimes. I would even like to think his comments last night were the booze and I was the one who screwed up by being upset. Maybe because I wasn't upset about his drinking or really even thinking about it I feel into the old trap. I think I just really wanted his love and maybe his shoulder and all I got was a guilt trip.
One thing I can't understand right now is the whole selfish thing. YES, I need to take care of me. I think I even understand the detaching with love. BUT, I didn't get married to only take care of me. I am not so selfish as to only think of myself. I am pretty sure most everyone on this forum got married for some good reason. That they love their spouse, that they wanted to build a life together, or they just wanted to marry their best friend. I got married for all these reasons and now I feel like I'm not supposed to care anymore. Is everyone who has a using spouse doomed to a life of misery and hurt?? Is Al-anon really to tell me I have no hope for a marriage??? I am not trying to sound hateful.....just confused. ME first....got it!!!! Where does my marriage fit in??
Hurt and Confused
sunshine
Thank-you for your response. I do have sooooooooo many things to be thankful for and when I am down I really think about them. I have the best little boy in the whole wide world and that is my number one blessing. My family is healthy and we have a fairly nice home. I kow there are so many out there with so little. So, I don't mean to sound ungrateful....just frustrated.
I understand what the program is about and I am learning more everyday. Only been at this for a month. Denial is a huge thing in our house. I finally stopped denying my part in this. I realize how I started fires or added fuel. I'm working very hard on not doing that anymore. However I do think I have the right to be angry sometimes. I would even like to think his comments last night were the booze and I was the one who screwed up by being upset. Maybe because I wasn't upset about his drinking or really even thinking about it I feel into the old trap. I think I just really wanted his love and maybe his shoulder and all I got was a guilt trip.
One thing I can't understand right now is the whole selfish thing. YES, I need to take care of me. I think I even understand the detaching with love. BUT, I didn't get married to only take care of me. I am not so selfish as to only think of myself. I am pretty sure most everyone on this forum got married for some good reason. That they love their spouse, that they wanted to build a life together, or they just wanted to marry their best friend. I got married for all these reasons and now I feel like I'm not supposed to care anymore. Is everyone who has a using spouse doomed to a life of misery and hurt?? Is Al-anon really to tell me I have no hope for a marriage??? I am not trying to sound hateful.....just confused. ME first....got it!!!! Where does my marriage fit in??
Hurt and Confused
sunshine
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Hurt and confused
You didn't mention how long you've been in Al-Anon nor did you mention a sponsor....all of this are things addressed in working the steps and traditions in ALL my affairs...
I too thought that I should think of others first when I started Al-Anon but I have come to realize that MY happiness is an inside job....IS MY LIFE ALL I want it to be? No, but my life today, working the program, is exactly what I NEED it to be for me to get to where My Higher Power needs me to go......and believe it not not, my life today is so blessed...
Sometimes, I just have to wait in the hall for awhile til a window opens.....(Usually while I am waiting I am complaining about how long it's taking) then I complain 'cause it's drafty....
Seriously, Sunshine, Just for Today, where are you???How long did it take you to get where you are? Shouldn't you allow yourself that much time to recover? Now you know why I'll be in Al-Anon til I am 90...
If you didn't tell your spouse what you needed last night how was he to know???? You have a 50/50% chance of getting what you what by asking for it where as the chances of getting it without asking are pretty nil...I used to think THEY should know; but I know (today) they don't....
Just keep coming back and I am sure you will find the anwsers for you...We all have bad hair days when NOTHING seems to go right...but I have learned I can start my day over at any second I choose...
By the way, I love you name....here in the N.W. we usually don't have much sunshine....
I too thought that I should think of others first when I started Al-Anon but I have come to realize that MY happiness is an inside job....IS MY LIFE ALL I want it to be? No, but my life today, working the program, is exactly what I NEED it to be for me to get to where My Higher Power needs me to go......and believe it not not, my life today is so blessed...
Sometimes, I just have to wait in the hall for awhile til a window opens.....(Usually while I am waiting I am complaining about how long it's taking) then I complain 'cause it's drafty....
Seriously, Sunshine, Just for Today, where are you???How long did it take you to get where you are? Shouldn't you allow yourself that much time to recover? Now you know why I'll be in Al-Anon til I am 90...
If you didn't tell your spouse what you needed last night how was he to know???? You have a 50/50% chance of getting what you what by asking for it where as the chances of getting it without asking are pretty nil...I used to think THEY should know; but I know (today) they don't....
Just keep coming back and I am sure you will find the anwsers for you...We all have bad hair days when NOTHING seems to go right...but I have learned I can start my day over at any second I choose...
By the way, I love you name....here in the N.W. we usually don't have much sunshine....
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
SUNSHINE AND ALL
Letting Go
To let go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive,
To let go is to not judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
TO LET GO IS TO FEAR LESS AND TO LOVE MORE.
Author unknown
I hope this help you as much as it does me....I have it posted all over my house.....I especially like the last line...
Letting Go
To let go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive,
To let go is to not judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
TO LET GO IS TO FEAR LESS AND TO LOVE MORE.
Author unknown
I hope this help you as much as it does me....I have it posted all over my house.....I especially like the last line...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Sunshine...
When I first started admitting the fact that my husband was an alcoholic I felt the same way as you do. I questioned my marriage and the purpose of it. Just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean that you have to stop loving him. You just have to stop making it your problem and stop trying to consume yourself with HIS sickness. I got caught up trying to FIX everything that was wrong with him that I BROKE myself. What this is all about is making sure that you are okay. There are alot of people that can live with it. They learn coping skills. I think you detach from the sickness not the love. Then there are those people who try and try and can't live with the illness so they leave. That is what is best for them. So, we all have choices. Its about what you can and cannot live with. Stop trying to look so far ahead and just take it slowly. Its a long hard process that I'm still working on. We all are. Slow down baby!!!!! Don't worry so much and do some things for yourself without the guilt.Remember...one day at a time.
We all love you!!!
Take care and I'm praying for you as well.....Remember what you told me....God will never give you more than you can handle. You also said he's laughing at us right now because we think we're losing it!
Keep posting and let it all out.
Hugs,
2many2count
When I first started admitting the fact that my husband was an alcoholic I felt the same way as you do. I questioned my marriage and the purpose of it. Just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean that you have to stop loving him. You just have to stop making it your problem and stop trying to consume yourself with HIS sickness. I got caught up trying to FIX everything that was wrong with him that I BROKE myself. What this is all about is making sure that you are okay. There are alot of people that can live with it. They learn coping skills. I think you detach from the sickness not the love. Then there are those people who try and try and can't live with the illness so they leave. That is what is best for them. So, we all have choices. Its about what you can and cannot live with. Stop trying to look so far ahead and just take it slowly. Its a long hard process that I'm still working on. We all are. Slow down baby!!!!! Don't worry so much and do some things for yourself without the guilt.Remember...one day at a time.
We all love you!!!
Take care and I'm praying for you as well.....Remember what you told me....God will never give you more than you can handle. You also said he's laughing at us right now because we think we're losing it!
Keep posting and let it all out.
Hugs,
2many2count
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi Sunshine(i'd like to see some all it does here is rain !)
it's okay to get the feelings out and then move on !
Daffodil said it, how long did it take us to get the way we are ?
Alanon is an on going life changing process, we dont heal over night, I have only been in 13 mths. I know theres progress but not perfection !
Your marriage will improve or it won't,noone can predict but.. you can continue to get better, it took me mths until i could step back and see that there were changes in me. Our lives will always be up and down, changes, happy times and not, but we will improve with the continued help from our HP , when we let go and let Him.
thanx for the words on letting go Daffodil I needed to hear that.
JT , putting on the right glasses made such a good analogy.
and 2many we have choices about almost everything we do (including putting the glasses on with the most clarity ) ! and taking it slowly as you said is what i try to do everyday.
Hugs liddy
it's okay to get the feelings out and then move on !
Daffodil said it, how long did it take us to get the way we are ?
Alanon is an on going life changing process, we dont heal over night, I have only been in 13 mths. I know theres progress but not perfection !
Your marriage will improve or it won't,noone can predict but.. you can continue to get better, it took me mths until i could step back and see that there were changes in me. Our lives will always be up and down, changes, happy times and not, but we will improve with the continued help from our HP , when we let go and let Him.
thanx for the words on letting go Daffodil I needed to hear that.
JT , putting on the right glasses made such a good analogy.
and 2many we have choices about almost everything we do (including putting the glasses on with the most clarity ) ! and taking it slowly as you said is what i try to do everyday.
Hugs liddy
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