What Causes these Tears?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
What Causes these Tears?
I am feeling lost...for at least a few weeks now. I can't stand this roller coaster of emotions. (I admit that I am subjecting myself to it by staying in contact with him until he sober and in recovery.)
My body is heap of exhaustion, yet rare glimpes of false hope jolt me awake until reality buries me in depression. Shame over my taking part in exabf's alcoholism, guilt in still clinging to the hope that he will try to at least look into his inner-self and notice what everyone else can see, a sense of failure that I am not the 'special one' who can reach him/help him, utter despair for the lose of his friendship and love, etc.
Until I finally spoke to him tonight, I have been happy; I thought I'd finally resolved the essence of our codie/alkie relationship...despite the absolute hole that it left in my heart for what 'once was.'
Now, exbf tells me now that he wants to "start fresh" and why can't I just forget about the past? (He didn't do anything awful, aside from disappearing and stonewalling me for two weeks...while I was left to wonder what the f*ck was going on with us; had we broken up? It was my first heartbreak...the worst feeling I have ever (and still feel) felt.)
I am rambling. But I need to seek advice or just to vent, at the very least.
How is it possible for him to think that disappearing and stonewalling me for two weeks (after six year together) is something that I can just 'put behind me' and forgive right away? How can I trust this man until he earns it again? Six years together...and he just disappears! He has put me through far worse than I ever put him, yet I never once disappeared and refused to speak to him after one of his awful acts. The only way to convey my hestitancy to him was this example:
Me: If I had cheated on you, do you really think that I would expect you to just get past the hurt and broken heart immediately? Do you think that I would expect you to just immediately trust me again?
Exabf: Yes. You know me. I am working on changing me.
Me: Yes, I know you. I also know that two years into our relationship you promised me that you would enter in-patient rehab if your moderation schedule of drinking failed. That never happened. I also know that you have promised SEVERAL times to 'cut back' and yet only increased your drinking. I also know that every time you claim you are getting help with 'anger management' from a priest or 'bedroom' issues from doctor, you never follow through. I also know that I am always the one who ends up getting hurt...again and again and again.
(Obviously, this conversation has occured too many times in our relationship. How do I trust a man who promises to change, yet his track record proves quite otherwise? When do you give up?)
Anyway, all, I am just wondering at what point will I be able to move on, to forgive him for failing as my first love, forgive myself for allowing denial and love and adoration for him to ignore my life goals and dreams, and to stop clinging to the audacious glimmer of hope in my peripheral vision that keeps tricking me into thinking that he will change? When will I be strong enough, wise enough, to discern if these are tears I shed in sadness or frustraion or anger or lonliness?
Thank you for being dear to me, SR.
My body is heap of exhaustion, yet rare glimpes of false hope jolt me awake until reality buries me in depression. Shame over my taking part in exabf's alcoholism, guilt in still clinging to the hope that he will try to at least look into his inner-self and notice what everyone else can see, a sense of failure that I am not the 'special one' who can reach him/help him, utter despair for the lose of his friendship and love, etc.
Until I finally spoke to him tonight, I have been happy; I thought I'd finally resolved the essence of our codie/alkie relationship...despite the absolute hole that it left in my heart for what 'once was.'
Now, exbf tells me now that he wants to "start fresh" and why can't I just forget about the past? (He didn't do anything awful, aside from disappearing and stonewalling me for two weeks...while I was left to wonder what the f*ck was going on with us; had we broken up? It was my first heartbreak...the worst feeling I have ever (and still feel) felt.)
I am rambling. But I need to seek advice or just to vent, at the very least.
How is it possible for him to think that disappearing and stonewalling me for two weeks (after six year together) is something that I can just 'put behind me' and forgive right away? How can I trust this man until he earns it again? Six years together...and he just disappears! He has put me through far worse than I ever put him, yet I never once disappeared and refused to speak to him after one of his awful acts. The only way to convey my hestitancy to him was this example:
Me: If I had cheated on you, do you really think that I would expect you to just get past the hurt and broken heart immediately? Do you think that I would expect you to just immediately trust me again?
Exabf: Yes. You know me. I am working on changing me.
Me: Yes, I know you. I also know that two years into our relationship you promised me that you would enter in-patient rehab if your moderation schedule of drinking failed. That never happened. I also know that you have promised SEVERAL times to 'cut back' and yet only increased your drinking. I also know that every time you claim you are getting help with 'anger management' from a priest or 'bedroom' issues from doctor, you never follow through. I also know that I am always the one who ends up getting hurt...again and again and again.
(Obviously, this conversation has occured too many times in our relationship. How do I trust a man who promises to change, yet his track record proves quite otherwise? When do you give up?)
Anyway, all, I am just wondering at what point will I be able to move on, to forgive him for failing as my first love, forgive myself for allowing denial and love and adoration for him to ignore my life goals and dreams, and to stop clinging to the audacious glimmer of hope in my peripheral vision that keeps tricking me into thinking that he will change? When will I be strong enough, wise enough, to discern if these are tears I shed in sadness or frustraion or anger or lonliness?
Thank you for being dear to me, SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by tryingtoheal 
at what point will I be able to move on, to forgive him for failing as my first love, forgive myself for allowing denial and love and adoration for him to ignore my life goals and dreams, and to stop clinging to the audacious glimmer of hope in my peripheral vision that keeps tricking me into thinking that he will change? When will I be strong enough, wise enough, to discern if these are tears I shed in sadness or frustraion or anger or lonliness?
You will be able to do it when you are truly ready to do it and want to do it.
It took me about a year before I was able to put what started as vague thoughts of life has got to be better than this to get the point where I was able to leave AH to begin taking care of mayself and in hopes that my no longer enabling him would lead to his decision to start down the road to recovery. It was a long hard process for me to get there.
Are you in therapy or going to AlAnon? (Sorry my memory isn't functioning yet this am.) Either or both can help you to figure what you are doing, what you want and how to get what you want.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
You will be done when you are done...
I know that isn't the answer you wanted. It is the only answer I can give you. My moment came when I realized that we were up at all hours of the night arguing, or I was hoping he was ok because he picked a fight and took off and turned off his cell (standard M.O.). When he called me horrid names in front of our friends, I realized that my Momma didn't raise me to be treated that way. I then had enough.
It was magical the way it happend, I called a mover, they were avail ASAP. I found a good place to stay ASAP. I cried a whole lot and worried a bit but as soon as I got away from the insanity for just a short time, I knew I made the right decision for me. You will know when you have had enough.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it is a tough time.
NC
It was magical the way it happend, I called a mover, they were avail ASAP. I found a good place to stay ASAP. I cried a whole lot and worried a bit but as soon as I got away from the insanity for just a short time, I knew I made the right decision for me. You will know when you have had enough.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it is a tough time.
NC
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
just like he will be done when he's done hurting.....so will you.
I was as addicted as he is. My addiciton was to HIM...getting HIM sober. When I let go....he changed....some for the bad, some for the good, the rest remains to be seen..
When you stop digging for him to get sober, youwill have found YOUR bottom. I hope it comes soon for you.
I was as addicted as he is. My addiciton was to HIM...getting HIM sober. When I let go....he changed....some for the bad, some for the good, the rest remains to be seen..
When you stop digging for him to get sober, youwill have found YOUR bottom. I hope it comes soon for you.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Moving is on is totally up to you.
The longer you allow this to go on, the more it will. How about going to an Alanon meeting? How about calling another member every time you think of calling him?
Break ups are bad no matter if they involve an alcoholic or not.
I myself am going through some of the same feelings right now after my breakup with someone I was seeing.
We only hurt as long as we allow ourselves to.
The longer you allow this to go on, the more it will. How about going to an Alanon meeting? How about calling another member every time you think of calling him?
Break ups are bad no matter if they involve an alcoholic or not.
I myself am going through some of the same feelings right now after my breakup with someone I was seeing.
We only hurt as long as we allow ourselves to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by tryingtoheal
(Obviously, this conversation has occured too many times in our relationship. How do I trust a man who promises to change, yet his track record proves quite otherwise? When do you give up?)
Anyway, all, I am just wondering at what point will I be able to move on, to forgive him for failing as my first love, forgive myself for allowing denial and love and adoration for him to ignore my life goals and dreams, and to stop clinging to the audacious glimmer of hope in my peripheral vision that keeps tricking me into thinking that he will change? When will I be strong enough, wise enough, to discern if these are tears I shed in sadness or frustraion or anger or lonliness?
Anyway, all, I am just wondering at what point will I be able to move on, to forgive him for failing as my first love, forgive myself for allowing denial and love and adoration for him to ignore my life goals and dreams, and to stop clinging to the audacious glimmer of hope in my peripheral vision that keeps tricking me into thinking that he will change? When will I be strong enough, wise enough, to discern if these are tears I shed in sadness or frustraion or anger or lonliness?
I ask myself the same questions. If it sounds like a duck, walks like a duck. . . You know you are not crazy- you can't trust him because he is not trustworthy. You are a good person- you believe in the good things we all want to believe in- it doesn't make you crazy or bad. You need to be more compassionate with yourself. You will know when you've had enough. Keep posting, reading, reaching out and you will get stronger. I hope you feel better today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
I know this is a "sticky", but it says what I'd say to you if I weren't so f*cked up about the same thing right now:
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The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
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The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
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