Rainy

Hi all,

Although I am new here, I am definitely not new to living in the world of alcoholism.

I have been married twice--my ex H is an alcoholic and my current H is an alcoholic--very different from each other. First one drank every day and got raging drunk, physically and mentally abusive. 2nd H is a binge drinker, never has hurt me physically, but is a compulsive liar, and is mentally abusive when drunk.
Current H is living in a recovery house after going through treatment in May. He will be there until the end of July.

I don't need to go into all the details of what he's done in the past or all of my terrible co-dependent ways, mostly b/c we all have similar stories and it would take a long time to tell it all.

This is his 2nd time through treatment since we've been together and his 4th time in the past 9-10 years. I think he finally hit his bottom this last time, I was out of town on business and he was here with our children and was drunk before my plane landed. The kids ended up staying with a neighbor and I called him and told him it was over, I was done. I also hit my bottom. I was so helpless to do anything and it finally hit me how unmanageable MY life had become.

What I am really looking for is any one else who has been through anything similar as this. I really believe that he is serious this time. I have seen changes in him, I have seen him take accountability, I have seen him stop blaming, I have seen him start believing in himself again. He looks like a different person, he's proud of himself again and looks healthy and full of life. He is working his AA program, has a sponsor, and is being honest for the first time in a long, long time. It's painful for him to tell me some things, but I also see relief in his eyes when I thank him for sharing.

I have also been working on me. I go to Alanon regularly, read as much as I can, we started going to church a few weeks ago, and I'm learning a lot about MY behaviors that are unhealthy. I know that although I didn't cause him to drink, I also played a huge part of our dysfunctional life.

I read so much about how hard it is to repair a relationship once the A goes into treatment and starts working on his/her recovery. I read about how the A continues into sobriety still being selfish and self centered. Or they become self righteous and believe that they are better than others. I read how many spouses believe it was easier to live with the old addictive behaviors then to live with the new attitudes.

Does anyone out there have a 'success' story to share? At this point I know and understand that it will not happen overnight and I am OK with that. I have read posts on other forums where women have written that although they are still with their now sober A, they both basically lead their own lives, their own recoveries and stay out of each other's business--I'm not sure that is exactly what marriage is supposed to be?? My belief is that even though we will both be in our own recovery programs, that we should still be active in each others lives

We have been separated for several months now so I know that I will be OK if we don't live together right after he gets out of the reco house--we have jointly agreed that we both have to be ready before we try it again.

I think I already know what my own answer is--to let go and let God choose the path he wants for both of us. I love my husband very much and maybe I am not far enough into my own recovery to see and understand as much as I want to yet, but I would really like to hear some replies of marriages that survived and are now functioning in healthy and happy ways.

Thanks to all who read and respond, sorry this ended up longer than I intended it to be.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Rainy.

You are your own success story. You realized your limit, you took action, you are taking steps to become more self aware so you don't fall into the same traps.

Okay... that's my good old alanon answer. LOL. But I know how you're feeling. My very first post here I was begging to hear success stories... and that's the kind of answer I got. NOT what I was looking for. SO... here I am to give YOU what I was looking for. Ta daaaa!

Dino and I are not married, but there are some echoes of our situation in your story. He stopped living here about two years ago. He went away to get better. At the time I just wanted him to go away... no matter what he was going to do when he got there. We stayed in touch and friendly and he visited a lot. It was a very bumpy two years. He's just moved back up here and is staying with me temporarily. I'm here to tell you it's a tough gig. With all the work we've both done on ourselves, there's a whole different recovery involved in restoring a relationship. I have to confess he's been a lot better at it than me. But then... he KNOWS what he isn't up to. I have to take it on faith. We have our little ups and downs... but the downs don't last long and things get smoother all the time. A lot of it is me learning to have confidence. It's a difficult balance. Keeping your eyes open so you don't fall into that big mudhole that swallowed you up back when you were wearing blinders before... against faith in someone else's good intentions. Pshew!!!! But on the whole... I feel successful. I've hardly held my breath at all today.

Hugs,
Smoke

Rainy

Smoke, I had to laugh at your first few lines, I expected an answer like that, seriously! It feels good to be able to laugh about some of this stuff finally. I think my biggest issue is patience, I want everything to be OK yesterday. It’s like I have this dream of what I believe a loving, healthy relationship is, so I want it to magically be that way. My H says the same thing, so I guess we’re both struggling with the what ifs right now. I think we, especially me, need to relax more and have faith that everything will turn out the way our HP wants it to. Some days, many times throughout the day, I just want it all to go away and never have to deal with any of it again. I’m sure that’s a common emotion for a lot of us though. Hard work on oneself is not always pleasant to have to do, plus knowing that there is a relationship to attempt to put back together too---and I don’t read about a lot of happy endings though, however I am discovering that those who have been in the program for a while are truly becoming happy with themselves and their lives. I can’t wait to get there!

journeygal

Hi Rainy - good to meet ya!

Ok, here's my story. Hubby and I've been married 3 years next month. He's an addict, used before we got married, was clean the first year of our marriage, relapsed for 3 months, went into intensive outpatient treatment for 3 months, and as far as I'm aware, last used 10 months ago.

Prior to 10 months ago, he was clean for 8 months, right after his treatment. During those 8 months, I wasn't in recovery. So I was still deep in codependency - trying to control him, run his recovery for him, you know the deal. He was withdrawn, depressed, self-centered, resentful, and our relationship was just as messed up as it was when he was using. So when he slipped after those 8 months - I totally freaked out, which was a pretty normal thing for me. But I finally realized that I had a serious problem. I hit bottom. So I started coming here, reading codependency books, and attended al-anon meetings. I detached from his recovery and focused on me.

The last 10 months have been soooo much better then those first 8 months, and I totally believe it's b/c we're both in recovery. I still have a long way to go in my recovery, but our marriage is stronger and healthier than it's ever been. So, just for today, I feel pretty successful too.

Hugs,
JG

JT

Rainy,

I hit my bottom about 10 years ago and started going to Alanon. My son was the straw that broke me but my husband drinks as well. When I hit my bottom I wanted nothing to do with any of them. We never physically separated, but emotionally I left. I even went so far as to change jobs...to a night job so I didn't have to spend much time with them.

Slowly as I worked my program I began to re-enter the relationship and alot changed. My husband has never gotten close to recovery but he changed none the less in response to the changes in me. They told me that at meetings and my thought was "In your dreams...you don't know my hard headed husband" but he did change. That was the miracle of this program. We have now been married 21 years.

One thing someone told me in a meeting is that I could be married for one day at a time. I could change my mind tomorrow. That one statement was huge for me...I didn't have to commit beyond this one day. And there have been plenty of days where I have had to weigh the good vs. the bad...and for today I am still married....happily.

Hugs,
JT

Rainy

JT,

Thank you for writing the statement about staying married one day at a time....I like that a lot. I was raised to believe that a marriage stays together no matter what. Since I've been divorced once already, of course I felt like a failure in this area already. I have watched my mother stay in a marriage that is so unhealthy (on both sides), b/c it's the "right thing to do."

While I love my current husband very much, I am afraid of what the future holds. Part of that is my newness into my own recovery, I realize that and accept it. I believe that as I grow stronger, my fears about a lot of things will lessen.

Each day that goes by that I make it through without being overwhelmed or depressed...or when I do get overwhelmed or depressed and I fight back with positive thinking and prayer and conquer those feelings, is another day that I am getting stronger.

Each day that goes by that my H talks about his continued excitement and growth in sobriety and working his steps, and that he wants his kids to be proud of their dad one day, is another day I can begin to find some faith and hope again that God will heal us both.

Reading these replies gives me newfound hope that regardless of how I may want our situation to work out, my life can be fulfilling and very possibly can be fulfilling with my marriage still intact.

Naiad

What a relief to see "recovery" issues. My s/o began recovery 2 months ago. Prior to that we had a great, loving relationship. His addiction didn't seem to affect us. (I actually didn't know the extent of his addiction, alcohol, vicodan & lorazapam) We don't live together but spent most of our time together. Over the last 2 months he has completely pulled away to the point where he now says, "Don't count on me, we need to proceed without plans of being together". Prior to this last e-mail, we only saw each other about once a week and I would put great pressure on him to tell me when our life would be normal again. I know that I brought this on myself because he can only focus on himself right now and has no idea when he could participate in a relationship again. I feel like such a loser, if I had just backed off maybe he wouldn't have completely ended our relationship. I miss being a part of his life and can't belief he went from being so in love with me 2 months ago to completely wanting out. In addition to losing him, in April I lost a job I loved for 8 years. I had a contract with the State and due to funding it ended. I feel as if my whole life has crashed around me. I found a new job that pays very well but I have already given notice because I hate it. I don't know if it is the job or just that I feel like I am falling apart and cant focus. My sister lives in California and has talked me into coming down for about a week and just lay in the sun and let my head clear. In the meantime, I breathe in, I breathe out. Thanks for listening. I go to al-anon meetings but feel less inhibited here, the tears flow freely without my being embarrased. Thanks again. Naiad

EmotionalMeg

Hi rainy,
So glad u found us!

I laugh when I hear people say "I think I already KNOW the answer"... because I swear that is what I say to myself every time I have a question / dilemma that I open up on the the forum. Once we begin our OWN recoveries, we usually know enough about addiction / recovery to be our OWN therapists

What occurred to me when I read your post was that there are no solutions, no magic potions, no band-aids for us (or them). If we should come apon some success stories of marriages that HAVE held together through all of this, perhaps we need to take it with a grain of salt. I am sure that the "success" comes from how well each person is able to take care of themselves FIRST, and then if they are able to and have a desire to be a companion to the other. So many times, like Smoke, I have come here or gone to meetings wanting someone to tell me the "secret"... the ONE way my husband and I can be healthy and happy. But, I am admitting to myself that there isn't one Boo Hoo... Each marriage, each couple, each person, each situation is unique... we all share similar stories and emotions, but the responsibilty is on US to figure out what works.

Oh, and just to share a little... My A and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. He was in treatment last year and was sober for 3 months. He relapsed and continued to drink / use for 5 months straight. I reached a bottom too... I kicked him out, took over the family business, all of our finances and began my OWN recovery. After 3 weeks, my husband came back, and he has just reached 60 days sober this week. I too attend Alanon... and come here often

Glad to meet you
Meg

Rainy

Hi Meg, thanks for the response, you made a LOT of sense. J I think that by asking for ‘success’ stories I was looking for some kind of hope—faith—to keep hanging in there and working on IT. the more I’m in this, the more I realize that I am not in this for IT (the marriage), I am in this for me, my recovery. I told my H last weekend that I realize—or better choice, am starting to realize that I am going to be OK with him in my life or without him in my life. He looked at me and said “isn’t that a good feeling to know that if we stay together it is because we WANT to, not because we NEED to?” I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it made a lot of sense to me afterwards—he’s right!

EmotionalMeg

That is so true Rainy!

My husband and I had a very similar conversation the other night... about the "roles" we play, and how each of us becomes dependant on the other to act out their "role".

For example: I came from a family where my mother left, and my father raised my sister and I. The nurturing did NOT come easily for my father, and so I often felt abandoned... I still do today. As I grew up, I was on the hunt for all this love and devotion in other people; someone that thought I was sooo special, they couldn't live without me. What I found was a man who needed me... It progressed into a man who needed me to "take care" of him. He was addicted before I ever met him... The role I took on in our relationship allowed him to continue to use, without him ever feeling the fall-out, knowing the consequences... I was the "soft place to fall" for him.

And, my husband played his "role" as well. He continued to be "needy" and "troubled", so that I would always be trying to make it all better.

Now... wow... things have changed.

I figure we are lucky, my husband and I; to actually be able to gain perspective in all of this. We recognize the destructiveness of the roles we played in our marriage... we are working hard to live our lives INDEPENDANT of each other FIRST, and then to find a common place that we can share our love and friendship.

It is a slow process... but it's slowly growing into exactly what your husband expressed to you; being together because we WANT to, not because we NEED to.

Take care
Meg

Rainy

Hi Meg,

Isn’t it funny how we were raised, really truly shapes us for how we will be as adults? I was raised in a controlling atmosphere, my father was strict and overbearing, my mother, although I always knew she loved us was over protective and never stood up for herself. Although neither of my parents are alcoholics, the ‘symptoms’ were all there of a very dysfunctional family. I can see now, that I too was searching to be needed and loved and wanted. Now, I don’t think it’s unhealthy to want to be loved, or appreciated, or cared for, etc. I just see how I was going about it all wrong---like every time he drank and I would threaten to leave if he didn’t shape up or say things like ‘if I didn’t love you so much I’d kick you out of the house for good, you should SO appreciate me for that!” lol Now that seems so ridiculous to me when I think about some of the things I would say just to ‘feel’ that I was needed. I even see where I have said similar things to my kids when I don’t like their actions or behaviors. Which will only cause them to continue into similar paths as they mature.

My H invited me to attend an AA meeting with him the other night. I wasn’t sure about going b/c the last thing I wanted to hear was a bunch of addicts sitting around making excuses for their actions and behaviors. I am the worlds BEST excuse maker, and it’s taken a lot of honesty for me to see this about myself and realize that I can talk a good line but deep down I haven’t taken a lot of accountability for where/who I’ve let myself become. Anyway, I told him I would go and what my concerns were. He said, just try to open your heart to really listen and don’t judge. So I did, and I was pleasantly surprised. What I expected to hear, I didn’t. What I did hear was pain, humility and shame for actions/behaviors of addicts who were desperately trying to save their own lives. I was mesmerized by what I heard and would recommend anyone who has an A in their life, go to an open AA meeting and just listen, I definitely plan on going to more.

I’m so happy you and your H are working through your individual stuff as well as your marriage stuff—some days I think it’s hard enough just to be working on me, but to put a marriage and kids and all the rest of my world in there too, it’s just overwhelming at times.

((hugs))

EmotionalMeg

Hi again Rainy,
A BIG hug for you, as I can understand most of the struggles you are going thru...

I too have been to open AA and NA meetings; I truly feel more appreciative of the A's struggle after I come home. And yup... I was also nervous and reluctant to go to the first one with my husband. Not so much because I thought there would be a bunch of whiny, sniviling addicts ( can I say that?)... but because I was afraid of what THEY would think of ME; after all, back then I was the epitomy of the kind of thing that drove them to drink in the first place! Oh, and what if they asked me to speak?! What on earth would I say?! But it wasn't like that... It was a learning experience. I think I'll go to more...

Take care
Meg

Rainy

Hi Meg,

I plan on going to more AA meetings as well. Today at my Alanon meeting there were 2 people who joined us that are actually recovering addicts, so it was nice to see them join us too. I think it helps to get the other 'sides' perspective for all involved. Today I asked someone to sponsor me as well--BIG step for me, I'm the one who thinks I can fix everything by myself with no help or guidance from anyone else. I was a little scared, still am, but it feels good too. I'm going to have to learn to let go of a lot of self controlling habits.