New here...
 

...but not to dealing with alcoholism in my family and life.

I wanted to join because I need someone to talk to. Someone not in my life right now because, as is usual, this is all mostly a secret and I don't like to talk about it. I don't want judgment about me or my partner.

Quickie history...grew up with an alcoholic (and drug using at times) father and recovering alcoholic grandmother. Have had a series of alcoholic or otherwise addicted partners all of my adult life. The one that wasn't an alcoholic or drug addict? Bulimic. So, for whatever reason I am still in this cycle.

My current situation. My father is now a recovering alcoholic. I have 2 kids of my own and a step-child. My current partner is an alcoholic. A pretty high functioning one in the "outside world" but not really at home. There is no violence, but she becomes argumentative, defensive and, quite frankly, mean when she's drunk. She is always apologetic and "good" the day after only to go right back to it the day after that. She likes to come up with excuses as to why she "needed" to drink.

I'm feeling very sad right now. I don't want our marriage to end. But I also don't want it to continue as it is. I am more lonely lately than I ever was when I was single. I am trying to get up the nerve to talk to her this weekend (kiddos are off with the grandparents), but I'm VERY nervous.

I can't attend any of our local Al-anon meetings because of both my schedule and the fact that I'm agnostic and all of ours have a very religious bent to them that doesn't work for me.

So, now I'm off to read all of the other entries...hoping to get inspiration, courage and, dare I dream, hope.

Welcome to a great place to get support and information.

Take care of yourself and those kids. That would be my first priority.

Hi PinkUnicorn and welcome to this forum. I think you will find much inspiration here based on the experiences of others because I certainly did. I also found courage to take control of my life and once I took control I could see hope.

I have never attended Al-Anon but I understand from reading here that it can provide much needed real life support. As for the religious aspect of the meetings, I thought that your Higher Power (HP) can be anything of YOUR choosing. I remember reading on the Alcoholism board that somebody said your HP can be a tree if you choose. I don't think AA or Al-Anon force anything...it would be counterproductive to the ethos of the 12 step programme.

One book which really helped me is Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It addresses the behaviour of the co-dependent/enabler in a relationship with an addict and shows you how you can live life for you on your terms. The book won't tell you what to do but it will make you aware that you have choices and control over your life.

I tried to talk to XABF too but with no success. The A will listen only when he/she is ready to listen.

ARL

One of my best friends that I met in Al-anon grew up agnostic but she didn't let the God thing intervere with the lessons of the 12 steps. She subsututed the word universe or a force greater than herself. I am not religious either but I have come to believe that addiction is more powerful than me and that I am powerless over it ( and most things really) A lot of people stumble with this. If you can get around this block you will be amazed how the steps can teach you a new way.
There are also adult children of Alcoh. (ACOA) mtgs. that work the steps.
You are in a difficult situation but the 1st part of change is seeking it.
Welcome.

Yeah, I realize that it may not do any kind of good, but I also feel like I need to make the effort to try that step. We've only talked in response to actual occasions and I want this to be more of an all encompassing thing. She told me when we first got married that if anything was going wrong in our relationship, she would be willing to try counseling before bailing...

That is what I'm going to suggest this weekend. That we go to couples counseling, at least at first. But a big part of me has every expectation that I will be single before the spring...she doesn't like any sort of confrontation and she doesn't believe she has a problem drinking...

I've been very tempted to ask her friends to help me. They like me and they agree she has a problem.

Welcome to SR pink! Glad that you found us! Please keep coming back and posting and check out the sticky's at the top of the forum. This place is a great source of Inspiration.

:hug: sorry for your pain-

And considering Al-Anon is not a bad suggestion-I sat and listened my first few meetings and it really has helped my life-

They A's never believe they have a drinking problem.....just like I did not believe that I had a problem (codie :wavey: and I did ) ....and as for confrontation I do not know many people that do when they know in some sort of way that they are part of the problem.

Solution: Counseling is a good way to maybe approach her ...it is a start Good luck to you!

I hope you will consider a higher power of your own understanding, Al-anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.

It was great seeing you...and keep coming back to SR.