drinking question
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drinking question
I have a perhaps strange question. As many of you know my husband is on the path of sobriety. On New Years, I decided to have a glass of wine with my dinner as I do occasionally. However I end up having a couple of sips and dumped it out because even though my AH wasn't here I felt guilty for having a drink.
Is this normal?
Is this normal?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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I agree. I am not a big drinker, but have found that I often won't even be able to enjoy a glass of wine in a restaurant, especially if their are recent incidents with the A's in my life. Mine is not because of guilt though, just because I don't like alcohol at those times. Perhaps, it's easier to be mad at the alcohol...
Last edited by PhenLee; 01-04-2008 at 03:26 PM. Reason: add one more line.
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I'm sure your attitude toward drinking ingeneral has been shaped by your experiences with your AH. Its inevitable I would think.
Personally I have no problem having a drink now and then since I do not have an alcohol problem myself. I drink in front of alcoholics most of the time since they also can't expect the world to stop drinking just because they can't handle it. If my AH had admitted to his alcoholism and began sincere efforts at recovery I would have stopped drinking infront of him until he was stronger in his recovery. But that never happened.
Personally I have no problem having a drink now and then since I do not have an alcohol problem myself. I drink in front of alcoholics most of the time since they also can't expect the world to stop drinking just because they can't handle it. If my AH had admitted to his alcoholism and began sincere efforts at recovery I would have stopped drinking infront of him until he was stronger in his recovery. But that never happened.
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I am not an A but I have always enjoyed a drink and very much more if that alcoholic drink accompanies the right food.
I know I drank more wine than I wanted when I was with XABF and that was probably due to "can't beat him so might as well join him" but often I drank that wine so as to feel more relaxed about his drinking. The more I became aware of his problem with alcohol, the more physically tense I became. I had no problem drinking if he wasn't there....at least I knew there would still be wine to put on the table the next evening and probably the evening after that too!
ARL
I know I drank more wine than I wanted when I was with XABF and that was probably due to "can't beat him so might as well join him" but often I drank that wine so as to feel more relaxed about his drinking. The more I became aware of his problem with alcohol, the more physically tense I became. I had no problem drinking if he wasn't there....at least I knew there would still be wine to put on the table the next evening and probably the evening after that too!
ARL
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 
I'm sure your attitude toward drinking ingeneral has been shaped by your experiences with your AH. Its inevitable I would think.
Personally I have no problem having a drink now and then since I do not have an alcohol problem myself. I drink in front of alcoholics most of the time since they also can't expect the world to stop drinking just because they can't handle it. If my AH had admitted to his alcoholism and began sincere efforts at recovery I would have stopped drinking infront of him until he was stronger in his recovery. But that never happened.
Personally I have no problem having a drink now and then since I do not have an alcohol problem myself. I drink in front of alcoholics most of the time since they also can't expect the world to stop drinking just because they can't handle it. If my AH had admitted to his alcoholism and began sincere efforts at recovery I would have stopped drinking infront of him until he was stronger in his recovery. But that never happened.
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Originally Posted by ARealLady
I am not an A but I have always enjoyed a drink and very much more if that alcoholic drink accompanies the right food.
I know I drank more wine than I wanted when I was with XABF and that was probably due to "can't beat him so might as well join him" but often I drank that wine so as to feel more relaxed about his drinking. The more I became aware of his problem with alcohol, the more physically tense I became. I had no problem drinking if he wasn't there....at least I knew there would still be wine to put on the table the next evening and probably the evening after that too!
ARL
I know I drank more wine than I wanted when I was with XABF and that was probably due to "can't beat him so might as well join him" but often I drank that wine so as to feel more relaxed about his drinking. The more I became aware of his problem with alcohol, the more physically tense I became. I had no problem drinking if he wasn't there....at least I knew there would still be wine to put on the table the next evening and probably the evening after that too!
ARL
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I was worried about this at first. I've never been a big drinker, but I had several bottles of various spirits for entertainment purposes. Should I keep it in the house, or not? If he had tried to commit suicide, would I have removed all the knives? The counselors told me that if my AH was going to start drinking again, that he would do it whether I had it in the house, or not. They told me to just ask him what he was comfortable with. I did, and he said it was not a problem. Still trying to control possible outcomes (I guess), I did remove the hard liquor but kept a couple of bottles of Baileys (I wasn't parting with my favorite ice cream topper).
Over time, I realized the counselors were right. Now, I don't give it a second thought. I serve wine at Christmas and on other special occasions. When we go out to dinner, I usually order a drink. He doesn't mind at all, and I have no guilt. But that doesn't mean that I would throw a big, drunken New Year's Eve party and expect him to be comfortable with that.
Over time, I realized the counselors were right. Now, I don't give it a second thought. I serve wine at Christmas and on other special occasions. When we go out to dinner, I usually order a drink. He doesn't mind at all, and I have no guilt. But that doesn't mean that I would throw a big, drunken New Year's Eve party and expect him to be comfortable with that.
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It's not so much trying to control for me, as it is that I tried to put myself in his shoes. I know that after my suicide attempts it made it easier for me that my parents had taken the pills out of plain view - it just made it easier. If you don't mind me asking - were you comfortable having a drink in front of him right away or did it take time?
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Well, as I said, I'm not a very big drinker. The first occasion that came up where alcohol would be present was last April at my mother's 80th birthday party. He got out of rehab on the previous February 14, so about two months had gone by. The dinner party was at a restaurant, and I knew that people would be ordering from the bar. So I was concerned, yes. But "alcoholic on board - no drinking allowed" didn't seem like the proper thing to put on the party invitations 
I asked him if he would be bothered by it, and told him he did not have to attend the party if he felt it would be difficult for him. He said he had no problem with it. I was very conscious of the wine being poured into the glasses, and I was very conscious of my first sip as he sat there nursing his glass of water. But then I was okay. It was the first sip that was the hardest -- for me -- it didn't bother him at all.
Ask him how he feels about it. If he doesn't have a problem, then do whatever is most comfortable for you.
I asked him if he would be bothered by it, and told him he did not have to attend the party if he felt it would be difficult for him. He said he had no problem with it. I was very conscious of the wine being poured into the glasses, and I was very conscious of my first sip as he sat there nursing his glass of water. But then I was okay. It was the first sip that was the hardest -- for me -- it didn't bother him at all.Ask him how he feels about it. If he doesn't have a problem, then do whatever is most comfortable for you.
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I know what you mean. After I first found out R's body was failing from decades of abuse, I didn't want to SEE alcohol, much less taste it. I hated it, like you would a demon. Then I realized it could be anything killing him, it was the fact that he was deliberately putting 25 down his throat a day that was doing it. I learned a lot this past year about alcohol and addiction and still don't have any definite answers.
I do know that I need to respect alcohol in my own life, enjoy it in moderation and always be careful I don't go down the slippery slope with it.
I do know that I need to respect alcohol in my own life, enjoy it in moderation and always be careful I don't go down the slippery slope with it.
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Right now i have a major problem with alcohol.
I always used to go out in my late teens and early 20's and get really drunk.
But since my b/f drinking started to be a problem i started to cut back and now i hardly drink at all. I find it a chore tbh and because ive seen what it can do to someone ive started to hate it,resent it.
When people talk about how they go out every weekend and get stupidly drunk just to relieve stress cos theyve been in work all week it makes me so mad cos they dont realise what it leads to.
Thats how my b/f used to be, then he started using it to cover up his problems.
He calls me a bore when hes drunk cos i wont have a drink and tbh who cares if i am?! Id rather be a bore and be able to lead a 'normal' life rather than do what he does.
THAT SIMPLE!
I always used to go out in my late teens and early 20's and get really drunk.
But since my b/f drinking started to be a problem i started to cut back and now i hardly drink at all. I find it a chore tbh and because ive seen what it can do to someone ive started to hate it,resent it.
When people talk about how they go out every weekend and get stupidly drunk just to relieve stress cos theyve been in work all week it makes me so mad cos they dont realise what it leads to.
Thats how my b/f used to be, then he started using it to cover up his problems.
He calls me a bore when hes drunk cos i wont have a drink and tbh who cares if i am?! Id rather be a bore and be able to lead a 'normal' life rather than do what he does.
THAT SIMPLE!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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sorry i'm on this so late. for me, i never drank around my ex A. not a drop. and i still have an issue with alcohol. it's extremely rare for me to drink anything anymore, but if it sounds good at the time and i'm out with a group of friends, i'll have one drink. however, this isn't very often... maybe once in the past few months. i used to be someone that liked to drink at social gatherings, but i no longer see the point in it (for myself). it doesn't help me relax, and if anything, i tend to feel guilty for even supporting an industry that destroys so many lives. so, yes, i went without it while i was with an A, and i continue to go without it, but to each his own!
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Originally Posted by tryingtofly
See, I was the opposite - the more AH drank the less I did - it was like I was trying to lead by example. I've also enjoyed a nice glass of wine very much so it bothered me that I couldn't enjoy it. Maybe I'm hyper-sensitive
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I rarely if ever drink since I've discovered exactly how bad my soon-to-be-ex AH problem really is. Not so much due to anger or anything, but because I have 2 young sons and don't want to be in a position where I've had something to drink and there's an emergency that requires full parental duties. Since I have no way of knowing what level of inebriation my AH is at any given moment, I need to be "on the ready". Yeah, I know a small glass of wine or a few sips of beer wouldn't matter much, but With two wily boys - you never know when I'll be at the emergency room because they stuck a seashell up their nose, fell out of the treehouse, etc etc...
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I have to say that growing up with parents who drank excessively and now I have an abf I never have had the desire to drink, even when out with all of my friends who are drinking. I guess I have this hate for alcohol and I could never enjoy drinking it because I know how easy it can be to lose control. Maybe I'm afraid that it is hereditary and I would cause pain to others the way my parents did. I don't know, but I hate everything about alcohol because it does destroy so many lives.
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