trainwreck in progress

Old 01-02-2008, 12:46 PM
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trainwreck in progress

I've only posted a few times, and surfed here alot. The reinforcement is invaluable. I think it's like an enhanced alon meeting given there is more time to give a measured response and more people are involved.

I am requesting more help! Thanx to support here and from friends, family, etc. I finally decided to leave my wife period. Not temporarily. The real deal. Unfortunately she is in the local ER awaiting lab results for probable admit to the psych unit. To backup some she went to her sons family in New Mexico over Christmas. This was a plan by me and her adult kids to try to get her to move out there since grandkids represent the best chance for recovery. After about 10 days she wanted to go home and started driving back to Dallas, a 15hour trip.

Along the way I informed her that I would not be there, I'm gathering my things. She informed me I would need a very high powered attorney. I found two calls on my cell apon awakening:
1. 3:55 am she was lost in the middle of nowhere, yelling venom
2. our local police calling telling me she was yelling gibberish at a local store and was taken to ER for evaluation and her car was towed.

What I'm in a quandry about is my responsibilities. Ouy place is out of town. No offspring, just dogs. I commute in to work, I've been scouting apartments, currently in a weekly Motel 6. Is it immoral for me to just bail out? Vs hospital visiting, car out of hock, seeing this through. Besides making sure the dogs are OK what else? As everybody here knows it is destructive for me to attend to this. I haven't been doing well lately, i'm sure because of this. I guess I already know what responses will be because many folks here describe their X as being homeless. The specifics don't really matter, just get out before I get destroyed too.

I hope I'm explaining myself OK. She developed addiction during our marraige, ramped up to now chronic use. I have left and returned many many times. My job is portable. I could just leave and find work.

Steve
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Old 01-02-2008, 01:12 PM
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wow, sounds pretty rough.

Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting it to turn our better wont help YOU...

You may be helping her more by sticking to your boundries, and pulling the plug finally.
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Old 01-02-2008, 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by whalespicy View Post
I have left and returned many many times. My job is portable. I could just leave and find work.
my question is: why haven't you yet? my guess is not a whole lot has changed since you came here last time, and things will probably only continue to get worse.

as far as responsibilities, i would say you are responsible for yourself (and your dogs) and no one else. everyone is responsible for their own actions. if your wife isn't sharing her part of the responsibility for your marriage, i wouldn't place that all on myself. it might be hard, but the only person you have to account for is yourself. i say, let her hit her bottom and see if she's ready to change at that point.
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Old 01-02-2008, 01:21 PM
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Considering what you wrote regarding the backstory, I'd say the most immoral thing you could do at this point would be to yourself by going back to "help". If she gets admitted, that will probably be a good thing as she'll be able to get some help, detox, time, etc. and be able to calm down before she's released.

I can completely relate to the knee-jerk feeling of wanting to "help" or fix her sad situation. It's part of why we stay with our addicted partners long after the relationship is dead; feeling guilt, responsibility, fear of what will happen to them. Almost like a child.

It does sound like getting an attorney would be the next right thing to do, and those Motel 6 temporary/corporate weekly-rate things can be a nice way to stay separate without making a big commitment of money, lease, rent.
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Old 01-02-2008, 04:03 PM
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A wise man once told me that the best thing he ever did was "let her drink" while he went on about his life. You see soon she started to see that her drinking was not having a effect on him, but was killing her. She ended up getting the help she needed and they have been married well over 20 years. I guess his point is worrie about yourself and don't let them get in your way. I have no idea if I made any sense. I guess I'm just saying move forward. What will be will be.
Do you love her? Do you want to stay married? Does she?
My husband made the choice to leave. I would have tried to save my marriage, but my HP had differnt plans for me.
Good luck I hope you get some answers here.
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Old 01-02-2008, 04:41 PM
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One's sanity is a very very precious thing and in all fairness to yourself and your family....do whatever you must to save yourself while you have the strength and fortitude to do it. It would be a sad thing to have your family hear of your demise simply because you did not possess the strength to leave an abusive relationship. I say do what you must.....and have no regrets. Stand strong.
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Old 01-02-2008, 04:41 PM
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It never fails to make me sad when I see someone so lost in addiction. Your leaving (really leaving) could be her best hope of finding her way back to the land of the living. Whether you're standing there holding the "welcome home" sign remains to be seen. I agree with everything Anvilhead said, above. First and foremost, take care of you. Leave her to the professionals. And please take care of your dogs.
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Old 01-02-2008, 04:49 PM
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whalespicy,

I'm so glad you're making this move for yourself before your life gets any more hellish than it already is. ( I remember your story from the last time you posted and it has haunted me ever since. ) You have been through a lot, tried everything you could think of, done what you could, and now it appears you have to choose, really: you can keep pouring yourself into that bottomless vessel, or you can start saving yourself.

In helping yourself, you may also be helping her.

Sending you hope and strength to get through this to the other side. There really is a good life waiting for you out there.
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Old 01-02-2008, 05:35 PM
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Save your own life.

YOU are valuable.
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Old 01-02-2008, 06:04 PM
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I would let those who are capable of taking care of themselves (your wife) take care of themselves. And I would see to it that those who can't take care of themselves are properly cared for (the dogs).

The timing of your departure makes no difference to your wife. Whether you leave today or a month from now, she'll likely still be drinking and a mess.

But the timing of your departure can make a world of difference to you. You can have sanity today or a month from now. I vote for today.

And please consider saving the dogs; they can't rescue themselves. Your alcoholic wife is incapable of caring for them properly. Perhaps a no-kill shelter in your area can take them in.
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