bocachic8

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, it has been a very rocky relationship because of his drug and alchohol abuse. In July some things took place that got him in trouble and put in jail. On 9/11/07 he was taken from jail and put into a recovery facility. We have begun rebuilding our relationship and things have been going very well. I should also mention that we have a one year old daughter together. Every other weekend my daughter and I have been able to visit him. Here is the problem I went to a friends party New Years Eve and drank. I have NEVER had a drinking problem or any type of addiction problem. My boyfriend is now refusing to speak to me. He did respond to a text I sent him. The first one he said for me to leave him alone. Then he said that I am an inconsiderate B***H and that we are over. I guess until after the fact I didn't realize how my drininking New Years Eve was going to impact him. It is now Wednesday and he still hasn't called and won't respond to my text. I do realize that in supporting him me going out and drinking was very stupid, but at the same time I try to remind myself of ALL the times that he screwed up and we worked it out and went on with our relationship. Why is it that I screw up once and he is so easily ending it with me?? I don't know if I should continue trying to contact him or just let him cool off. I feel pretty certain that in a few days he will go back to talking to me, but I am scared that that may not happen. I love him so much and have stood by him through more than most could imagine and he has to know that. Please lend some advice!!!!
:sorry

Barbara52

Are you an alcoholic? No? Then you have every right to go out and have a drink or two with friends. It has no impact on him in his inpatient recovery program or anywhere else not in front of him. If he were at home and you were drinking in front of him, it would be appropriate for him to request you not drink. But it would be up to you to follow that request or not. Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into taking responsibility for his problems. Don't do it. His issues are his, not yours.

Personally I would not keep trying to contact him. I would see it as I let him know I wanted to talk, he has chosen not to for now and he will contact me when he is ready.

What are you doing to help yourself? Therapy? AlAnon? Both can be very helpful for you to understand your own issues and finding ways to deal with them.

kermit

When we do something they don't l;ike it's over! Mine was the same way. I too felt that why is it that I can forgive hin 1000's of times and he can't forgive me once? He could have been a adult and said it bothered him he does not have to go to such extreams, this just shows he has alot of growing to do yet. Hang in ther and try not to contact him, they seem to feed off us contacting them and asking for forgiveness, you did nothing wrong, hang tight don't call him text him sit back and watch what happens, try to ignore the first time he comes a calling.....Just my advice

bocachic8

Just reading your responses have made me feel better. I don't even know why I am beating myself up over this, the amount of damage that he has caused me...I guess I just feel like where in the hell does he get the right trying to take control of the relationship when he is in the situation he is in because of his own doing.

hope2bhappy

I don't see that you "screwed up" at all. Maybe he was angry because you were out with friends on New Years without him. I'm still confused about the text messaging and phone calls. When my AH was in rehab, he was not allowed to have a cell phone, I could not call him, and their outgoing phone calls were limited to 1 per day, 10 minutes each.

bocachic8

They do not have a restraint on the phones after they have been there a while. This is something that me and him discussed once before, the fact that a phone was not a good idea because he then in turn would know everything that was going on at home and then that could affect his progress. I do think his whole being mad at me really boils down to him being mad at himself. It is just easier to blame it on me and make me feel bad. I long ago told him that if I even acted like him for one day that he would kick me to the curb in a second and I guess I was right, yet he has totaled my car, damaged my house, damaged the new car I got...the list goes on and I am still here, loving him and standing by him.

ARealLady

Hi Bocachic and welcome to SR!

I guess until after the fact I didn't realize how my drininking New Years Eve was going to impact him.

I don't think it was your drinking, Boca, I think it was the fact that you showed some independence and did something for you. Your ABF is probably fed up with his rehab facility and really wishes he wasn't there. Somehow I think that if he was truly working a recovery programme he wouldn't have reacted the way he did. Isn't the first step for the A to admit that he/she is powerless over alcohol? The A!!! Not everybody else in the As life. It sounds like your A is still blaming others and As are really good at that. (I notice that you stated that in #6 post).

Don't try to get inside his brain. Attend AlAnon and learn how you can take back the power he has over you. Read this forum and ask questions. Many of us have been right where you are (I was!) and I am learning that the only person I can control is myself.

ARL

FormerDoormat

Why?

DII

Bocachic, he is a long way from being fixed from what I can tell in your post. My advice is not to stand by him because you have a child together.....that would be the complete WRONG reason. My kids suffered because I stayed with my AW. They still love her and miss her but are happier living separated from her. A's need to hit their bottom and OWN their disease. his actions are BLAMING and that is not taking responsibility for his disease. This is a basic thing......this should be the EASY thing. There are a lot tougher challenges......how long are you willing to stand in the cold?

Hang in there...keep posting!

bocachic8

Thank you for all of your responses. First let me say that I am not standing by him for the simple fact that we have a daughter together, I am standing by him because I know the person that he really is. That probably sounds like the typical response and the response that shows that I put his feelings before my own, which is wrong I know. His first reaction to rehab was that it was the best place he had ever been he wished that he could have found it long ago, he has since had his moments of wishing he wasn't there. So it is now Thursday morning and I have had no calls from him. I of course am getting more and more crushed by the moment. The worst part is that if he calls I don't even know that I want to answer the phone...I don't know what to do I am just so torn. I thought he was doing so well with his recovery, but now I am not so sure.

DII

Boca, I don't mean to be....well, mean....but if you base your happiness on his recovery and his reaction to you you will live in a constant emotional yo-yo. One of the things Alanon will teach you is how to OWN your happiness, emotions etc. The person he really is is the person he is at the moment you are with him. Right now he is an addict. That's the person he is. You are powerless to change that and as long as he see's himself as a good person that has a drinkng problem things will not change.

Hang in there!

bocachic8

I don't think you are being mean. I appreciate the advice. I think what upsets me so much right now is the fact that he thinks he has the control of this relationship, of course I know that if I can continue trying to contact him (which I haven't) I will prove to him that he does have this control that he wants. I know I am unable to change him, I learned that long ago. I just don't get the fact that he has been sober since September and he is thinking with a clear head now and this was still his reaction to me, that he is thru with me...

Rella927

I have to agree with FD on WHY?!

I know with my XAB no matter what I did in which was something of Independence on my part-"We were over" "how dare I" ......

The one with the drinking problem is not you-I found that in recovery-I support my brother who is an A when I'm around him I choose not to drink because I know how much of a trigger it is for him-so I go out and have a drink with my step-dad if deemed needed-I do not go then and turn around and tell him! There are ways to support him but I must say going back to the above statement from you-WHY?

I guess we all get to our bottoms when we have had enough-I hope that you come to yours soon!

Good Luck

bocachic8

I completley agree that if he were around no I would not have been drinking, but he is two hours away from me and it was New Years Eve. I told him that I was going over to a friends house for a party, which is what I did. No bars or clubs or anything like that. He already had an attitude going once he knew I was going to the party. He then called me a couple of times in the night and I guess saw that I was having a good time. Then the next day was when I got the "I'm thru with you you inconsiderate B***H" line from him. I didn't see any point in lying to him about what I was doing or where I was, he does have to face reality. As far as the WHY part that is not easily answered.

good_luck

One of the things that I feel really grossed out about is the fact that my ex called me a b****. The first time he did it, we broke up. It was that shocking to me. It makes me sad when I think how much my standards changed over the years. That alone was a perfectly good reason to end things and never look back. I wish that I hadn't convinced myself that I was being a princess, and allowed myself to slowly get numb to the disrespect, because after a while it is hard to see.

bocachic8

Thank you, I will take everything that you have said to heart, but I can say that I, as I am sure we all have, have said things that we didn't truly mean. I have had my share of calling names, etc. I am just going to wait it out and see what happens and follow my heart on the situation, but anymore advice is surely welcomed!

Vine

How do you continue a relationship with a person who has called you really awful names? This is something I am struggling with and though the names are called when drunk this isnt really an excuse and they still hurt.
Even after an apology I am still struggling to forgive and wonder is this what he truly thinks of me.

shakarris

Vine, wish I knew the answer to that for you. For me I cannot - I am just plain tired of being his verbal kicking post.
How can you ever trust anyone who calls you the most vile things that cut you to the core - only you know the answer to that. You will know when enough is enough or you will know when you have worked things through and forgiven..

just be good to you

shakarris

Barbara52

Yes, I have said things in the heat of a fight that I didn't really mean. But never, since I reached adulthood, have I ever verbally abused another person, certainly not someone I loved.

missyouso9167

Hey there, I realize he has a problem, and I hope you dont take this the wrong way, and hopefully when you experiance what I am talking about you will undrstand what I meant, If this were love he would have never spoke to you or treated you that way and he would never have stopped calling true love is never ending and when you find it you will see there is no feeling like it in the world. your first, last and in between, you matter no matter what you do or say, and when you cry he'll be right ther to wipe your tears, when you fall he'll pick you up, and when you need him no matter when or where he'll be there, etc.... these are just to mention a few of the things you will experience when you find your true love. He is out there, and I'm sure you dont want your daughter growing up seeing this treatmeant on a daily basis, because then she also will grow to believe thats how women are supposed to be treated, ya know! I had a few bad relationships in my past, and then I met my husband (God rest his soul) and for 22yrs I was blessd and able to experience true love not a day went by in 22yrs that we didnt say Ilove you, I miss you, cant wait to see you, we were still tht strong years and years later, That is the treatment and LOVE you and your daughter deserve!!!! DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!!!!! God bless you both! p.s. did I mention I'm only 38 so yeh you can be that happy that young, we were high school sweethearts!!!