hbb

I have no problem with that at all, like i said above i welcome opinions, sometimes i don't think there's much slack for new ones in the learning process at times, that's all. :ghug3

LaTeeDa

Do you want slack, or experience? As I said above, no one is judging you. No one is saying you are somehow deficient because you gave out your phone number. Just attempting to get you to look at your motivation as a way to learn more about yourself..........

L

geees poncho

867 5309 / 867 5309 / 867 5309 / 867 5309
I Got It
I Got It
867 5309
There's a lesson in this song

FormerDoormat

It's not the worst thing on the planet. Just something to be aware of for future reference. Once I stopped trying to please people and worry whether I was coming across as nice or not, I began to live my life as I chose. And that is very freeing. It doesn't matter to me what other people think of me. It only matters what I think of myself.

I like myself a lot better now than I did three years ago when I first joined the forum. Is there still room for improvement? You bet.

And FYI, just because you didn't find any information by Googling your cell phone number doesn't mean that the information can't be gleaned. Try typing in your phone number on ZabaSearch.com. It's there. So is your address, your name, your past addresses, your neighbors names and addresses, your relatives names, and more.

hbb

I kid you not, my biggest fear in the world is clowns, when i saw this this morning i was like whooa!!!! Freaky to say the least!!!!

hbb

Can't wait to get better at that, i was just saying today, it's exhausting people pleasing and i think i'm pleased out!!!

I was feeling a bit selfish for doing things my way and what i wanted to do at the time but also thought, well others are doing what they want so why should i worry!!! Thanks!

SaTiT

hbb.

it's progress. Your taking notice of these things now.
i don't know ..maybe in the pass you probably would had
never made such an observation. That's what people tells
me..The first step is usually recognition. And you're catching
yourself at a faster rate.

i thought your post was funni. it' funni becuase it was true.
But laughter is also a healer and growth. if i can laugh at myself..
at the very least i'm not going to hang myself.

I'd probably question myself and have thoughts and emotions
running through me if I get hit on by someone right now.

At the very least you're not obsessing over your exbf anymore.
You're not beating up on yourself. There's a part of you that
knows you can move on and catching the red flag is good, it's all
good. It's an experince. You're processing all of these things
in the real world and you're learnding for it. You're certainly
not wearing your heart on your sleeve.

Sorry about the clown...but ya know if i had the T-shirt
the moment I met my agf...it might had help me :rof

Not feeling very good today..thou.
I had to have a conversation with an active alki...that didn't feel too good.
It's been a while now but i still have to work throught it.
The process..process

hopeangel

hey heather,

i'm glad you got out with friends and enjoyed new years. nice to see you living life. i'm glad you had a good time!

i could see myself doing something like you did. i would really have to watch. what i have learned now is that no matter what i do i really have to examine it and be completely honest with myself as to my motives. the people here have helped me with that.

in being honest with myself, i would have to say when i have done something like this(e.i. giving my number someone that i know is totally wrong for me and inviting what could be dangerous or unhealthy for me) or in my case pursuing these kind of people with a passion-lol... it has been because i really wanted the attention. deep down, i was really hoping that they would call to make me feel good . i'm attracted to the bad boys because if i can conquer someone hard to get or unavailable that boosts my self esteem . i am attracted to people that cannot commit or that i know i can't have a relationship with because i fear commitment myself and more so rejection (in this case, i already know there is no chance at a relationsip, so no chance of rejection (actually i set myself up for it) i am attracted to troubled people because in saving them i am needed and the other person is dependant on me.

these have been just some of my motivations for doing things like this.

now, i see not saying no to these type of people as a threat to my own wellbeing because i know myself well enough to know that if that person did call me it probably wouldn't be too long before i was totally consumed in his life.

have you read codependent no more or beyond codependency yet?
it is really helpful.



i have heard from many therapist that nothing is done unless it fills some kind of need in us. i have found it helpful to ask myself what need such actions are filling in me.

Miss Pink

you shouldve written down the number to the local AA room as if it were your number.

LOL

denny57

I hear you Heather and when I did that what it got me were plenty of people who took advantage of me.

Instead of reacting, today I listen with open heart and mind to what others say. THEN I make up my mind on whether I agree or not. In the past few weeks, you've asked the question over and over - how could J do this to me? All I'm suggesting is to perhaps look at the way you interact with others. The answers you're looking for me may be in there. Not in the right and wrong of giving out the number, but the reasons, the shrugging it off, the dealing with it later, etc.

I also stayed with the alcoholic in my life for a very long time. If my sharing can spare someone putting in those years themselves, I think that's great.

peaceteach

Heather,
I think a lot of us are just plain mothers who want to give a girl good advice when bar-hopping! I know my college-age daughter's rule of protection is what someone else said above...have the guy give HER his number and then she can just throw it away later. That way she stays in control. She never gives her number out, whether he's an alki or not, and I think that's a great rule for a girl in today's world Two more rules we've agreed upon--you won't meet your "husband" in a bar, and always leave the bar with the people you came in with (she turned 21 last week-yikes!)

P.S.-I'm very proud of you for going out with your brothers on New Year's Eve and having fun. You deserve it. It took me two years to actually enjoy going to meet up with friends in a bar, I had so many bad memories of those places.

steve11694

Stop, you're killing me also

steve11694

And coincidently, last night I was also at a place with friends where alcohol flows and I met a woman because she bunked into me, literally and repeatedly after I moved my chair away from her out of courtesy. She kept on hitting me oblivious. Finally I asked her to please stop bumping me. OK, drunk educated intelligent lady divorced with multiple children living with ex, bottomless coctails and endless cigarettes, uncoordinated walking, standing, etc etc.

Could it be????

CBrown

LOL, Heather! I froze too when I read "DUI" in your post! Hey, your red flags are working just fine. SaTit, LOVE your red flags and broken picker.

Looks like you're at the point where you need to study-up on your "gentle no" responses. I would have frozen too, because I'm not good at spur of the moment banter.

Let's see:
"I'm sorry, I'm not dating right now. Nice chatting with you, though!"
I can't think of any more! Satit, as a guy can you name some gentle no responses?

How about:
"Sorry, I just got RID of a drunken loser and have the therapy bills to prove it?"
A little rude?

I have a pretty transparent face. The size of my eyes would have doubled immediately when he said DUI. I think he would have gotten the picture. Like you, Heather, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. What good does that do? You simply are making a choice, the same as if you don't want to date a gambler.

Heather, I think it's unreasonable to expect that you'll have the perfect conversation the first time out of the shoot. You saw the red flags and that's good enough! You gave him your number this time, next time you won't. So what if you were in a pool hall, or bowling alley, or bar? As long as you know your chances of finding a diamond in the rough there are slim, good.

Baby steps, m'dear! It simply doesn't happen overnight!

hbb

Sounds like a keeper!

I went out with a friend for dinner last night that was with me on New Years and she said it was nice to see me smile for the night and have fun. That's the part i'm going to focus on and remember. My friends and family were the only thing that truly mattered that night when all said and done. I will be more careful if something should happen along these lines again!

So glad the holidays have come and gone (got through better than i thought) but relieved!!!

hopeangel

good hbb, focusing on and finding yourself again will lead you to the light

ps. it also seems to be the key to detachment for me. i'm finding i am a ton happier when i do this.

this post has helped me also

kermit

You all are making me want to go to the bar, so I can get some excitement back into my life!

hbb

I would honestly like to be settled down by now with a family which i thought i was headed for, but like you all have said, J probably did me a favor. I do feel that sense of relief of the lack of drama!

hope2bhappy

I wasn't going to, but I guess I'll get in on this.

Firstly, congratulations on recognizing trouble when you saw it. Your A-dar is right on track, and this is real progress.

We, on the forum, are your sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers and friends. As such, we feel duty bound to point out the small things to help you to grow and keep moving forward. I think that's why your post has received such a heavy response. Don't brush it off. I think there might be something there... hidden in your response to this person.

If I am unable to tell a stranger "no," when he asks for my phone number, I think it would show that I'm still able to be intimidated by these stronger personalities, and that I still needed to work on my self-confidence. I get a vision in my head of this encounter... and then you made a reference to a clown. Did anyone ever see the episode of Seinfeld where Krammer comes face to face with a clown (outside the opra house)? He is afraid of clowns and completely turns into a 6 year old. He doesn't run away (maybe because he doesn't want to be rude -- or maybe he doesn't think he can get away). But he is unable to stand up to the clown (maybe because he is intimidated and afraid to just say "no"). I used to feel that way a lot.

Baby steps, hbb. But you've made real progress. And I'm glad you had such a fun time on New Year's Eve. You deserve it.

geees poncho

It's a good thing this guy wasn't a Rolls Royce salesman
you'd be driving a fancy new car.