alahub

I am discovering today that by "letting go" I can begin to heal..My loved one is in a recovery home and anxiety about out future can be healthy, but too much of it can be unhealthy for me.. and mentally and spiritually crippling for a relationship.
I want so much for my loved one to express some affection and love, but I must realize that they are sick, but soon this will pass, as all things do.
Patience is most certainly the answer, and boy is it difficult at times.

I have begun my humbling work as a person affected in many ways by things out of my control to - work the 12 steps.

Anyone like to comment on really working the steps, and what that means in terms of healing and renewal.

p.s. I know this note is "all over the map" but I am new to this forum and have so much on my mind..

Growing

"Anyone like to comment on really working the steps, and what that means in terms of healing and renewal."

One of the truths that I have learned "really working the steps" is you have to have *brutal honesty* with yourself. You can't work the steps and hold on to your fantasies at the same time. I experienced "healing and renewal" when I am honest enough to let go of what isn't working for me, no matter how comfortable the fantasy is.

Just my 2cents...

Love to my Al-Anon family,

Growing

PrettyViolets

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

My husband totaled his car into a median. He woke up in the hospital. He does not remember the accident. Luckily no one was hurt, and he was not hurt. He eventually told his family the truth, and he told me the truth. At that point, he realized he was powerless over alcohol and that he needed God in his life.

I used to think that we could just go back to being normal if he would just be sober. I realize now how much I just needed to be in a safer place and focus on my own recovery, and he needed to work on his recovery himself. I realize now how powerless I was over his alcoholism. There was probably nothing I was going to say or do that was going to affect him. He had to make this choice on his own, and it would still be a struggle for him for the rest of his life.

I am very thankful to God for his grace. I feel like I have just been through a battle that was bigger than myself, and that I will need a higher power to keep strong for the future. I can still be supportive of him and love him. I really have to give a lot of what I am going through to God.

DesertEyes

Hi there alahub, and welcome to the wonderful website

It's like trying out a new recipe. First you read the instructions, then you buy the ingredients, then you make a _small_ batch, then you experiment a little with the quantities, then you try the full size operation.

I start with the first step, then read all about it in a couple of al-anon books. I go to several meets and share what I have read, and how it applies to me, or how I am confused by the readings. I ask some of the wiser members out for coffee and ask _them_ how that particular step works in their life. I do the same with my sponsor.

From all of the above I get a bunch of suggestions as to what _actions_ I can take in my life that would help me apply that step in a practical sense. Like a recipe, I try those actions first in a small way, and then as I gain confidence I take larger actions.

Here's an example. I have heard in the recovery meets that my life will improve if I show a little gratitude by getting on my knees every night and pray for _other_ people to have a better life, to have their burdens eased, and _not_ pray for me.

I thought that was quite silly. I figured everybody ought to pray for their own selves, and I'm not too sure about that getting on your knees thing. So I read up and asked people and listened in meets and tried it a little bit.

Not much happened. No burning bushes, no angels from on high. But I kept trying, just cuz so many people said it worked for them.

One fine day I had a heart attack and got dragged into the ER. It was _incredibly_ painful. When it finally stopped I was dazed, gasping for breath. This was my _seventh_ heart attack, and I'd heard from many docs that my time on earth was limited, so I figured I was done.

A few minutes later I had another one, even more painful than number seven. The docs did their best, shot me full of who knows what and the pain quickly subsided. I prayed to God that he just get it over with. Just kill me and stop **** torturing me.

So I had another attack, and now I was developing a deep resentment to this HP, and to all those 12 steppers who told me prayer helped.

I rested for some 10 minutes or so, and I had another one. And another one. A total of _five_ attacks in about an hour. Each time I desperately prayed to God to stop the pain. Then after the eleventh attack a little spark went off in my head, and I remembered that nobody ever told me to pray for _me_. They told me to pray for _others_ who suffer in life, who's loved ones are still addicted.

So I did. I stopped praying for selfish things and prayed to God that while He had not yet decided to take me, I could at least be of some use to others by praying for them. Whadya know, right then and there all the electronic thingers I was hooked up to settled down. My heart quit acting up and the "cluster" of attacks was over. Just like that.

I get on my knees every night and pray for others. along with losing the selfish attitude about prayer, I have also lost the fear of death. Imagine that.

To me that sounds like you are "working" the concept of "letting go" just fine

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

alahub

Thanks to all for commenting...I am taking bits and pieces of these comments and moving forward..
I am going to get on my knees tonite, and pray for everyone but myself. I am sending my good vibration out there to the spiritual world..
I want a contentment...and now I want it for others too..

Growing

I feel a need to clarify my meaning:

For example: I'll pretend my mom is still drinking (even though she has been sober 11yrs).

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am not "powerless" when I believe I still have it within my power to help my mom get sober. Me believing I can get my mom sober is a fantasy. So if I say I am working the first step I know I am not being honest.

I do not believe my life is "unmanageable" if I think I can manage my mom, manage the drinking, be a codie/have no boundaries or keep them while she drinks and manage to have some sort of sanity...If I find myself being some sort/any sort of "Manager" to the user/alcoholic.. this is also a fantasy. If I say I am working step 1, I know I am not being honest.

So, in order to even begin to work step 1., I have to be willing to be honest.

alahub

Being honest is at the foundation of this mission...I get that and your emphasis on it is compelling.
No way we can change someone else...and change can only come from within..
My reponses thus far are only me being humbled by any input on this topic..