AH is going to a drinking event
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Bayport, NY
Posts: 2
AH is going to a drinking event
My AH is going to a men-only barbecue at a firehouse (and you know how those guys drink) and then on to a MLBaseball game. Big drinking day for him. After his last binge he said he wasn't going to go because he knew he'd drink, but that has changed and now he's going. AH's promises only last as long as his hangover. 
I went to my first local Alanon meeting, got all the pamplets and read them. But I am so confused about what to do about AH going to this drinkfest.
I know I'm supposed to detach, but how? How do I not worry about him drinking and driving?
I just don't know how to handle this situation, and the new me wants to do something different but I guess I just haven't learned the tools yet. I am very aware that my coping strategies of the past twelve years were useless, if not worse. That is why I am with Alanon now, to try and find a better way...but now that I'm ready I still am not sure what to do!
TIA for any advice here -
Jen
I went to my first local Alanon meeting, got all the pamplets and read them. But I am so confused about what to do about AH going to this drinkfest.
I know I'm supposed to detach, but how? How do I not worry about him drinking and driving?
I just don't know how to handle this situation, and the new me wants to do something different but I guess I just haven't learned the tools yet. I am very aware that my coping strategies of the past twelve years were useless, if not worse. That is why I am with Alanon now, to try and find a better way...but now that I'm ready I still am not sure what to do!
TIA for any advice here -
Jen
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jen
Sadly, there is nothing you can do for him. He will drink or not drink regardless of what you do. If you can encourage him to give up the car keys or arrange other transportation, that would at least keep him off the roads.
I'm glad you have started meetings - they will help you a lot.
And please take a read around the boards, and read the "powerposts" at the top of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards - they are packed with good information.
I am glad that you joined us and hope you feel comfortable here and part of our wonderful family.
Sadly, there is nothing you can do for him. He will drink or not drink regardless of what you do. If you can encourage him to give up the car keys or arrange other transportation, that would at least keep him off the roads.
I'm glad you have started meetings - they will help you a lot.
And please take a read around the boards, and read the "powerposts" at the top of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards - they are packed with good information.
I am glad that you joined us and hope you feel comfortable here and part of our wonderful family.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Jen,
Man... have I ever been THERE before!
And its almost WORSE when you have had a taste of Alanon recovery in times like this. You KNOW that you are powerless to STOP him, but you still feel that there must be SOMETHING you can do; some way to interfere; to get in the way of his drinking! If there was just a WORD to say to him...
This was me so many times. I used to hang on tightly to the feeling that I might have SOME control. Ann is so right (she always is
). As hard as it is to accept, there is nothing you can do. It is only when you LET GO of the desire to control or "help", that you begin to feel the peace... THIS is detachment. Once I got this I was OK, when he was drinking. The hardest part for me, even NOW, is figuring out how to detach "with love".
As far as the drinking and driving, definately try to encourage him to NOT bring the keys... sometimes when we take the pressure off the DRINKING part, they are more likely to listen. Something like "If you choose to drink, please don't drive" (ahem... WITHOUT any hostility of course). After all, they don't want to die... they just aren't rational at the BEST of times.
Take care Jen... and come back here when u are stressin out or anytime!
Meg
Man... have I ever been THERE before!
And its almost WORSE when you have had a taste of Alanon recovery in times like this. You KNOW that you are powerless to STOP him, but you still feel that there must be SOMETHING you can do; some way to interfere; to get in the way of his drinking! If there was just a WORD to say to him...
This was me so many times. I used to hang on tightly to the feeling that I might have SOME control. Ann is so right (she always is
). As hard as it is to accept, there is nothing you can do. It is only when you LET GO of the desire to control or "help", that you begin to feel the peace... THIS is detachment. Once I got this I was OK, when he was drinking. The hardest part for me, even NOW, is figuring out how to detach "with love".As far as the drinking and driving, definately try to encourage him to NOT bring the keys... sometimes when we take the pressure off the DRINKING part, they are more likely to listen. Something like "If you choose to drink, please don't drive" (ahem... WITHOUT any hostility of course). After all, they don't want to die... they just aren't rational at the BEST of times.
Take care Jen... and come back here when u are stressin out or anytime!
Meg
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Jen,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been right where you are. Mylife is still so far from perfect it isn't even funny but I can offer you some words of encouragement. I began to detach from being overly exhausted with him and his actions. Its hard to not worry but when you worry you are wearing yourself out. Remember that he is a grown man and he has to make his own decisions. I finally realized that all the worrying in the world wasn't gonna change him ,just me. It made me a different person that I didn't like. You just have to keep working your program everyday and trust your HP. Leave him in Gods hands and focus on yourself and your recovery. You have to recover too you know.
Keep coming here and posting...vent when you need to and talk about your feelings. It really works. My husband isn't in the house now and I know he's out there drinking and driving everyday but I have to focus on me. Its not that I don't love him because I do. Its just that I have no control over his actions only he does. So, stay strong and try your best not to worry so much. It will get easier in time. I promise.
Lots of HUGS
2many2count
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been right where you are. Mylife is still so far from perfect it isn't even funny but I can offer you some words of encouragement. I began to detach from being overly exhausted with him and his actions. Its hard to not worry but when you worry you are wearing yourself out. Remember that he is a grown man and he has to make his own decisions. I finally realized that all the worrying in the world wasn't gonna change him ,just me. It made me a different person that I didn't like. You just have to keep working your program everyday and trust your HP. Leave him in Gods hands and focus on yourself and your recovery. You have to recover too you know.
Keep coming here and posting...vent when you need to and talk about your feelings. It really works. My husband isn't in the house now and I know he's out there drinking and driving everyday but I have to focus on me. Its not that I don't love him because I do. Its just that I have no control over his actions only he does. So, stay strong and try your best not to worry so much. It will get easier in time. I promise.
Lots of HUGS
2many2count
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