What to tell the kids?

Old 12-28-2007, 12:40 PM
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What to tell the kids?

I separated from my AH about 8 weeks ago. When I left "we" told the kids that we were having some problems and were going to separate for awhile. "We" explained that the nature of the problems was due to my hubby's disability and his needing to develop some independent living skills. While it is true that was causing problems in our marriage; the impetus for me to leave was my realization of the extend of his alcohol problems, the sneaking, hiding and lying. He was successfully able to hide it from me for a long time; and I truly believe my children do not know that their dad has an alcohol problem. He did the bulk of his drinking outside in his garage when no one was around. He spent most evenings zoned out watching TV and not really interacting much with the family. There were some instances toward the end where he would "fall asleep" in the chair, and a couple of times he became angry and short with us; but it was all pretty subtle.

I fully intend on filing for divorce in a matter of days. He will be completely shocked; and I'm not sure what to tell my kids. I want to tell them about the alcohol; but I don't want to spoil things between them and their dad. On the other hand, I don't want them to think I would walk out of this marriage on a whim; and I want them to know I had a good reason to leave. BTW - the kids are son-19 and daughter-13.

While my motives for leaving are purely because it is what's best for me; I also believe from a lot of what I have read here that it is best for my daughter to get her out of that environment. But, what if she doesn't know it's because of alcohol? The environment was still not good, as hubby and I have not had much of a relationship for some time.

Another thing causing me confusion is that I have talked a lot about this situation with my mom. I have found out my mom had major issues with my dad's drinking; and wanted to end their marriage a few times over it. I never had a clue?? But did I subconciously, am I an ACOA? My brother, sister, and I all married alcoholics; that seems like a bizarre coincidence? So, maybe even if the kids don't consciously realize what is going on -- there is something they will carry with them in their subconscious.

A lot of questions I know!!!
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:48 PM
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I think it highly likely your kids know. I would talk with then about it, tell them you love their father but he has an alcohol problem, he's not a bad person but he needs help.

The behavior of getting drunk in the garage-I don't think your kids could not have noticed this.

bizarre coincidence? all siblings marrying alcoholics, that doesn't sound bizarre or a coincidence to me.

I think you it wise for you to seek professional help. and Good job and Best wishes on the divorce-thats never any easy decision but taking care of you is most important and your son and daughter will eventually thank you for this. You must lead by example because you are a loving mom.
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by nowinsituation View Post
So, maybe even if the kids don't consciously realize what is going on -- there is something they will carry with them in their subconscious.
I think this is absolutely possible, and even quite likely. I also think that even if the alcohol is not treated as a problem (it wasn't in my childhood home), the dysfunctional behavior is what is learned. And boy, did I learn it good!

Be as honest as is appropriate with your children without demonizing their father. I told my kids that their dad was sick and needed to get help for his drinking, but that we (the kids and me) were not able or qualified to help him.

Best wishes to you,

L
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Old 12-28-2007, 02:02 PM
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I certainly would discuss it all with the 19yo openly and honestly. You might be surprised at how much he already is aware of. Your 13 yo also needs to know but not on the same level as the older one. Age appropriate information is what she needs.

I strongly suggest individual therapy sessions for both. Divorce is always difficult for kids regardless fo the reasons. In this case both have already learned unhealthy behaviors and need help understanding what is unhealthy and what is not going forward.

As for you and ACOA, take a look at the ACOA forum and read a bit. I certainly don't see you and your siblings all marrying alcoholics as a coincidence.
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Old 12-28-2007, 02:08 PM
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We went to a counselor for that very reason: to figure out how to tell the kids that we were divorcing. My counselor said that kids even the ages of my children; 8 and 10 should be told the truth about the alcoholism. He suggested; "Your dad has a problem with alcohol" "He loves you both very much" etc, etc.
Honesty is the best I believe.

Good luck to you.
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:31 PM
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I agree, honesty is the best bet..The kids will respect your honesty at 19 and 13.

Definitely check out acoa for yourself. It will help you with all of your future choices.

Good Luck to you,

Growing
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Old 12-28-2007, 09:43 PM
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Honesty..always the best policy.imho.

At their age they already know something is happening,and most likely know that alcohol is at least in the mix. I gave my kids a copy of "Under the Influence" to read. I have always treated the alcoholism like any other subject (ie sex education) ....answered the questions factually and with as much detail as they wanted (that was approriate) and kept the lines of communication open. They know they can always talk about any questions,fears,concerns they might have. Their imagination is more frightening than the facts. I found the same thing to be true when my own mother became terminally ill. To know that there were not "surprises or lies being told" made it easier for me and my children have said the same thing,too.

take what you like and leave the rest.

Knowing the truth also will help relieve them of the burden that it is somehow "their fault",imo. Their father is ill but unwilling to seek treatment,is what my kids know about their own father and it has helped us all stop enabling him now that we are understanding that.

Good luck to you all.
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Old 12-28-2007, 09:53 PM
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I firmly believe in complete honesty and I am a big fan of Alateen....I have seen children whose lives have been tremendously helped by this program.
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Old 12-29-2007, 04:51 AM
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Hi - told my two sons about AH's alcohol problem about 1 month ago - was very hard and got no help from him that's for sure...

I did this alone - although all of the "experts" say parents should tell kids together about this kind of stuff - I can never predict his behavior and it just seemed like it would be saner.

If your kids are 13 and 19, they already know what's going on. My 7 year old was kind of clueless (except to say "Dad smells like beer sometimes") but the 10 year old was totally up to speed - all of the info I gave him came as no surprise. And my AH isn't one of those loud belligerent physically abusive drunks - he's just constantly on a low simmer to get wasted slowly but surely every weekend.

So I'd almost guarantee that your older kids are aware and that it would be a huge relief to finally hear somebody confirm to them what they already know. Having one parent pretend everything is hunky-dory while the other one is freaking out (whether due to drugs, booze, mental illness, etc) will make kids doubt their instincts about people their entire lives. They'll stop listening to their gut when they get bad vibes from people. I think in part that's why ACOA go on to marry spouses with problems - their internal bullsh** meter has been thrown out of whack by a childhood full of mixed messages.

You are sooooo doing the right thing - it is scary and overwhelming to leave behind what you had imagined your whole life would be. But you are obviously a strong person because you have come this far and decided you and your kids deserve a better life. You Go Girl!!!
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:31 AM
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Your kids are old enough, tell them the truth.

good luck

ngaire


Originally Posted by nowinsituation View Post
I separated from my AH about 8 weeks ago. When I left "we" told the kids that we were having some problems and were going to separate for awhile. "We" explained that the nature of the problems was due to my hubby's disability and his needing to develop some independent living skills. While it is true that was causing problems in our marriage; the impetus for me to leave was my realization of the extend of his alcohol problems, the sneaking, hiding and lying. He was successfully able to hide it from me for a long time; and I truly believe my children do not know that their dad has an alcohol problem. He did the bulk of his drinking outside in his garage when no one was around. He spent most evenings zoned out watching TV and not really interacting much with the family. There were some instances toward the end where he would "fall asleep" in the chair, and a couple of times he became angry and short with us; but it was all pretty subtle.

I fully intend on filing for divorce in a matter of days. He will be completely shocked; and I'm not sure what to tell my kids. I want to tell them about the alcohol; but I don't want to spoil things between them and their dad. On the other hand, I don't want them to think I would walk out of this marriage on a whim; and I want them to know I had a good reason to leave. BTW - the kids are son-19 and daughter-13.

While my motives for leaving are purely because it is what's best for me; I also believe from a lot of what I have read here that it is best for my daughter to get her out of that environment. But, what if she doesn't know it's because of alcohol? The environment was still not good, as hubby and I have not had much of a relationship for some time.

Another thing causing me confusion is that I have talked a lot about this situation with my mom. I have found out my mom had major issues with my dad's drinking; and wanted to end their marriage a few times over it. I never had a clue?? But did I subconciously, am I an ACOA? My brother, sister, and I all married alcoholics; that seems like a bizarre coincidence? So, maybe even if the kids don't consciously realize what is going on -- there is something they will carry with them in their subconscious.

A lot of questions I know!!!
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:19 AM
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Thanks everybody for your feedback. I have preached my whole life to my hubby and to my kids that they should always be honest and take the high road. It somehow seemed to me that in this case those two philosophies contradicted each other. But you are all absolutely right that honesty is always the best policy. I just need to choose my words carefully so as not to do more damage. That will be difficult because I get very emotional when I talk about this. I surprise myself that I tend to either break down and cry or start venting all my pent-up frustrations and completely trashing my hubby. My friends and family have been ok with this (although getting pretty tired of it, I'm sure); but I know it will not be good to do this in front of my children. I have gone to a couple of Alanon meetings, and intend to continue because I know it will help.

I am definately reading up on ACOA. You know, a year ago I knew I was unhappy, but I had no idea why. I begin praying for God to show me how to be happy or show me how to get out of my marriage. I believe all these things that have been revealed to me are God showing me how to finally be happy. I am taking it all with an open mind and trying to learn and grow as much as I can. I have a LONG way to go.

Thanks again everybody!!!
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Old 12-29-2007, 09:53 AM
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Your kids probably know the truth anyway, but if you don't confirm it for them, they may think some of this is their fault. THey need to knwo the truth, from you. You can tell your H that you are going to tell the kids the truth as well. I hid the truth from my two older kids for a long time and now they are 24 and 21 and I wish I would have told them the truth a long time ago. My two younger ones are 8 and 11 and they know all about alcoholism and are much healthier mentally for knowing the truth. They also know that dad's behavior (not being involved, cranky, sleeping, etc) are part of his illness. Your kids also need to know that it is okay for them to not get in a car with him if they think he has been drinking. So, yes, the truth is best. If you are uncomfortable, find a counselor who specializes in addiction and have the counselor help you tell the kids.

So glad you are coming here. This place helped save my sanity.
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Old 12-29-2007, 10:00 AM
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As an ACOA I wished that my father sat me down and confirmed to me that my mother had a problem. It was a big, huge, secret in my house..until I had to start taking care of my mother when my sister left for college.

You are doing the right thing by talking to them, you sound like a wonderful Mom!

Karen
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Old 12-29-2007, 10:54 AM
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You can talk to them in a way that won't demonize their father to them by giving them just the straight facts. Their Dad is their Dad and he loves them but he is sick. It's important that they know and know it's not their fault.

Ngaire
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Old 12-29-2007, 11:30 AM
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Once again SR, this thread really hit me where it counts..(wipes tears, sniff, sniff) These forums are the best!

I am an adult now but both parents were A"s.

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself..Don't worry about the words just tell them the truth. Don't beat yourself up.

I agree, you sound like a great mom!

Pick-a-name-Thank you for your post on this thread...Wow..
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Old 12-29-2007, 11:35 AM
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If any relative or friend of the family had followed Pick-a-Name's advice and had attempted to tell me the straight truth and educate me on the subject with books and facts, I know I would only be half as screwed up as I am today. JMHO
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Old 12-29-2007, 01:30 PM
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My son who is in his upper teens had an inkling of what was going on. exAH was good at hiding his drinking so it wasn't totally evident. But when exAH moved out, I did tell son the truth. Son's attitude was that AH should have restrained himself if he wanted to keep us. I think that was pretty healthy.
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