"new" to this
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Hinsdale, Illinois
Posts: 19
"new" to this
I'm "new" to this site, but I feel a couple of hundred years old right now. I went to al-anon for the first time over 15 years ago. Same stuff still happening to me, I guess I just didn't stick with it. I'm so tired right now, can't keep my eyes open for anything. Just want to sleep. My husband quit using a week (or 2?) ago, and is just impossible. He stopped speaking to me a week ago (or 2?) -- I really can't remember and don't care. He hates me, and when he used at least he was slightly less impossible, angry, mean, nasty. Now its just pure HIM and I can't stand it. We've been having a lot of problems for a couple of years. Two outstanding kids (16 and 9) -- they don't deserve us for parents thats for sure. I feel so alone, but reading your posts this morning helped -- I shut my eyes and said prayers and sent hugs to you all when I read your posts. I know what its like, and I'm just so worn out from this stuff in my life. I'm totally dependent on this man for my support and it really sucks. I'm out of money and energy and don't know what to do. I just try to keep the peace at home, but it's not working. Do my kids see me as being "nuts"? They know their dad is moody, but don't know why. My husband told me I've ruined his life, and if he could have a heart attack and die he'd be glad. And this is on a good day.
I feel so . . . just so awful right now. I just can't fix this, ever, and I'm faking being a good mom, walking around and just faking it. He doesn't speak to me, even when we are with our friends (few of these of course). He hates me so much, nothing I do is ever right. How do you live with someone who feels this way towards you? I just keep thinking that my son will move out to go away to school in two years, then maybe I'll leave. But then my daughter will be only 11, and I'll disrupt her life just because I'm not strong enough to take it a few more years. I feel so old. I'm 5'7" and weigh about 105 lbs and look like a scarecrow. I'm not hungry, not thirsty, not alive. Every morning I wake up afraid to face another day. How can I make any of the 12 steps work for me? I know them, I read them, but I never get it right.
Sorry I rambled on. Just trying to connect with someone who understands. I really need help.
I feel so . . . just so awful right now. I just can't fix this, ever, and I'm faking being a good mom, walking around and just faking it. He doesn't speak to me, even when we are with our friends (few of these of course). He hates me so much, nothing I do is ever right. How do you live with someone who feels this way towards you? I just keep thinking that my son will move out to go away to school in two years, then maybe I'll leave. But then my daughter will be only 11, and I'll disrupt her life just because I'm not strong enough to take it a few more years. I feel so old. I'm 5'7" and weigh about 105 lbs and look like a scarecrow. I'm not hungry, not thirsty, not alive. Every morning I wake up afraid to face another day. How can I make any of the 12 steps work for me? I know them, I read them, but I never get it right.
Sorry I rambled on. Just trying to connect with someone who understands. I really need help.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
(((Candle))))
Welcome to our family. I have some suggestions. Have you tried Alanon meetings?? Or have you been reading the literature. You will find friendly caring people and it can get you out of the house as a bonus.
Get Melody Beatties "Co-dependent no more"...great book. I have read mine over and over and get something new out of it everytime. Buy that for yourself today.
Make a plan. Define what you want in your life and a way to get there. You say you don't work...you can start. You would no longer be dependent. Don't worry about the next couple of years...you can be married just for today and change your mind tomorrow.
And today...do something nice for you. Take a walk, a bath, eat ice cream....go buy that book!
Hugs,
JT
Welcome to our family. I have some suggestions. Have you tried Alanon meetings?? Or have you been reading the literature. You will find friendly caring people and it can get you out of the house as a bonus.
Get Melody Beatties "Co-dependent no more"...great book. I have read mine over and over and get something new out of it everytime. Buy that for yourself today.
Make a plan. Define what you want in your life and a way to get there. You say you don't work...you can start. You would no longer be dependent. Don't worry about the next couple of years...you can be married just for today and change your mind tomorrow.
And today...do something nice for you. Take a walk, a bath, eat ice cream....go buy that book!
Hugs,
JT
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
I can relate!
Candlelight:
Hey there!
Been there, done that.
My bottom pit occured when I was recovering from cancer surgery and my husband was suffering from alcohol-induced depression at the same time.
I can relate to having no energy and feeling isolated and just generally nutso.
What turned it around for me was joining a women's group at a church. Believe me, I never expected that would be my big turn around point, but it was. (Especially since I was an atheist most of my life)
It was soooooooo good to sit around with other women, read some good books together, and share. It got my mind off of my own problems, and made me realize that EVERYBODY has some kind of hardship in their life. Long-term relationships are VERY difficult to maintain even under the best circumstances. Getting that perspective helped me a bunch.
There are functioning, normal people out there! Start looking for a time & place to be with them, and don't worry about things between you and your husband just yet... Get yourself functioning again first.
In my case, after I got around healthy people again, I saw that my home situation was actually WORSE than I thought. I came to see that my husband had problems that I couldn't fix, and being around him all the time brought out the worst in me.
Co-dependents have two flaws: We hang on to our dream of how things "should be" rather than facing how they really are. Second, we refuse to take responsibility for our own lives and own happiness.
Take it one step at a time, no major changes, just small ones. Think about how you'd like your life to be, and start moving in that direction.
Would you like a better relationship with your kids? Be more financially independent? Improve your physical health?
Start thinking about the things YOU CAN control and you'll feel better.
Hey there!
Been there, done that.
My bottom pit occured when I was recovering from cancer surgery and my husband was suffering from alcohol-induced depression at the same time.
I can relate to having no energy and feeling isolated and just generally nutso.
What turned it around for me was joining a women's group at a church. Believe me, I never expected that would be my big turn around point, but it was. (Especially since I was an atheist most of my life)
It was soooooooo good to sit around with other women, read some good books together, and share. It got my mind off of my own problems, and made me realize that EVERYBODY has some kind of hardship in their life. Long-term relationships are VERY difficult to maintain even under the best circumstances. Getting that perspective helped me a bunch.
There are functioning, normal people out there! Start looking for a time & place to be with them, and don't worry about things between you and your husband just yet... Get yourself functioning again first.
In my case, after I got around healthy people again, I saw that my home situation was actually WORSE than I thought. I came to see that my husband had problems that I couldn't fix, and being around him all the time brought out the worst in me.
Co-dependents have two flaws: We hang on to our dream of how things "should be" rather than facing how they really are. Second, we refuse to take responsibility for our own lives and own happiness.
Take it one step at a time, no major changes, just small ones. Think about how you'd like your life to be, and start moving in that direction.
Would you like a better relationship with your kids? Be more financially independent? Improve your physical health?
Start thinking about the things YOU CAN control and you'll feel better.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Candlelight
Your name already means a lot to me, because I have always believed that even the smallest candle can erase the darkness.
And maybe if you can't erase the darkness in your life right now, you can add a small candle's worth of light.
Go to a meeting and start working the steps with a sponsor. It took me many tries to really work them and I continue to work various steps every day. It saved my life.
You can't change how your husband is. Only he can do that if he is willing to change. He may have serious depression problems or he may be doing this to annoy you enough to not care if he returns to drugs, but either way these are his issues and not yours. And you do not have to participate in his chaos. You do not have to take ownership of his addiction or his recovery.
I agree with JT. If you can get a job of some kind, - even part time or babysitting, but something that will give you some money of your own to spend on yourself or to save for another day when you might need an emergency exit plan.
I hear the despair in your voice and I promise you that there is hope for you and for a brighter tomorrow. Just keep reaching out and put one foot in front of the other and start your journey down the road of recovery. We're all walking with you here and share the beauty.
I'm glad to have you join us.
Your name already means a lot to me, because I have always believed that even the smallest candle can erase the darkness.
And maybe if you can't erase the darkness in your life right now, you can add a small candle's worth of light.
Go to a meeting and start working the steps with a sponsor. It took me many tries to really work them and I continue to work various steps every day. It saved my life.
You can't change how your husband is. Only he can do that if he is willing to change. He may have serious depression problems or he may be doing this to annoy you enough to not care if he returns to drugs, but either way these are his issues and not yours. And you do not have to participate in his chaos. You do not have to take ownership of his addiction or his recovery.
I agree with JT. If you can get a job of some kind, - even part time or babysitting, but something that will give you some money of your own to spend on yourself or to save for another day when you might need an emergency exit plan.
I hear the despair in your voice and I promise you that there is hope for you and for a brighter tomorrow. Just keep reaching out and put one foot in front of the other and start your journey down the road of recovery. We're all walking with you here and share the beauty.
I'm glad to have you join us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
(((((Candlelight))))) Welcome! Your post touched me very deeply - being the Codie that I am, I just wanted to swoop in there and take you away from it all! I know that terrible malaise that takes over the body when it can seem like too enormous of a task to even get out of bed. You can start to return to the light, though, babystep by babystep. Have you been to see your doctor lately? A visit with her/him might not be a bad idea to start. Sometimes we need a little bit of extra help to get over the first hurdles of getting well again.
And as the others have said - start going to meetings again. You've done it before, you can do it again. You need to surround yourself with positive people who will be happy to help you and who understand what your life is like. Just knowing that you are not alone is so helpful. And as Ann said, find yourself a sponsor who can help you step by step. It may take a little time to find the right one, but your HP will guide you to the one that is right for you.
Even just a little part-time job for a few hours a week will give you a boost of self-esteem of doing something for youself, as well as some money of your own. It must be very hard to be dependent upon someone who is so hateful.
Try to remember that when your husband acts this way towards you, it's not really about you. I know how hard it is not to take it personally when you are the one that all that negative energy is focused on, but your husband is sick. We've all been on the receiving end of that and know how much it hurts, but don't let him take you down with him.
If you can just take little steps day by day you will start to detach from his sickness and you will get stronger little by little. Try to just stay focused on what you can do for you today, and where you are going will unfold with time. You can do it, and we are all right here with you.
So glad you found your way here - stay with us and keep posting!
Love and hugs.
And as the others have said - start going to meetings again. You've done it before, you can do it again. You need to surround yourself with positive people who will be happy to help you and who understand what your life is like. Just knowing that you are not alone is so helpful. And as Ann said, find yourself a sponsor who can help you step by step. It may take a little time to find the right one, but your HP will guide you to the one that is right for you.
Even just a little part-time job for a few hours a week will give you a boost of self-esteem of doing something for youself, as well as some money of your own. It must be very hard to be dependent upon someone who is so hateful.
Try to remember that when your husband acts this way towards you, it's not really about you. I know how hard it is not to take it personally when you are the one that all that negative energy is focused on, but your husband is sick. We've all been on the receiving end of that and know how much it hurts, but don't let him take you down with him.
If you can just take little steps day by day you will start to detach from his sickness and you will get stronger little by little. Try to just stay focused on what you can do for you today, and where you are going will unfold with time. You can do it, and we are all right here with you.
So glad you found your way here - stay with us and keep posting!
Love and hugs.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((((candlelight)))))))))
I can totally relate to where you are....I was there once myself...Then when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I started going to Al-Anon and haven't looked back....
Try to remember YOU"RE GOD'S KID....You are worth recovery from the family disease of addition.....To what lengths for recovery would you go if you had any other fatal disease.
I am so glad you reached out and came to this site...That's a victory for you....now can you return to Al-Anon and have another victory?????
Love and prayers are coming your way....
Try to remember YOU"RE GOD'S KID....You are worth recovery from the family disease of addition.....To what lengths for recovery would you go if you had any other fatal disease.
I am so glad you reached out and came to this site...That's a victory for you....now can you return to Al-Anon and have another victory?????
Love and prayers are coming your way....
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
((((((((((candlelight)))))))
sending many hugs your way.I know how the lost feeling feels.
The day came when I put the blanket over my head and cried to sleep< I didnt want to live but I didnt think of suicide , I just couldnt stand the pain of my daughters alcoholism and that she was going to die.
It is a year later and by the grace of God she is still alive nor usualy sober (but she could be today!) and I am recovering from the effects of alcoholism that goes back to childhood.
You dont have to give up, everyones advice here is to get yourself in recovery even if you dont have the will. You can get through it, right now you need lots of loving support from those here and alaon, where others know about the suffering like no others.
God Bless you
liddy
sending many hugs your way.I know how the lost feeling feels.
The day came when I put the blanket over my head and cried to sleep< I didnt want to live but I didnt think of suicide , I just couldnt stand the pain of my daughters alcoholism and that she was going to die.
It is a year later and by the grace of God she is still alive nor usualy sober (but she could be today!) and I am recovering from the effects of alcoholism that goes back to childhood.
You dont have to give up, everyones advice here is to get yourself in recovery even if you dont have the will. You can get through it, right now you need lots of loving support from those here and alaon, where others know about the suffering like no others.
God Bless you
liddy
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi candlelight,
I have an A husband as well... I am told at my Alanon meetings that I am fortunate; fortunate because I am only 29 but have opened my eyes and heart open enough to SEE what the 12 steps can bring to me. I DO get it... and I'll never let it go. My sponser (who is 50?) said with tears in her eyes, that if only she had found the peace that I have when SHE was my age... how different her life would have been; what hardships she could have avoided. But, of course, she is wise... She was not ready then; God brought her the understanding a little later. She learned the lessons she had to; faced the hardships she had to, WHEN she had to, JUST to get her to where she is today.
Now, I KNOW I am not cured... the steps are NOT a magic pill; infact, in order to truly remain healthy, I have to keep listening and learning for the rest of my life. As exhausting as it can be, I can accept this... I am anxious to see what the NEXT 30 years brings.
My intentions are not to bring you guilt or shame... You have NOT failed! Perhaps God has wanted you to wait as well... maybe NOW is your time
.
Somewhere inside, I am sure that you are as strong and capable as you WANT to be; sometimes just having the faith in yourself is the toughest battle. Try to begin anew candlelight... Get yourself back to meetings. Remember that you don't have to be in a hurry, and try to rush thru your recovery, step by step. It is so true that recoveries are a process... processes take time. For me, the "working" part of the steps is what keeps me afloat; the constant learning... NOT the battles that I overcome, or the issues with my husband. Simply because I believe it will work, it does.
And you are not a dissapointment to your children... Try to stop telling yourself. There are often far more beautiful, loving moments we share with our children; but it is so easy to focus on what we are feeling guilty about. These children LOVE you, and it is not too late. You have choices still... you still have time to make NEW memories. Imagine the best person you could be for them - the reason you can imagine it, is because you are more than capable of being it .
My thoughts and prayers are with you today
Meg
I have an A husband as well... I am told at my Alanon meetings that I am fortunate; fortunate because I am only 29 but have opened my eyes and heart open enough to SEE what the 12 steps can bring to me. I DO get it... and I'll never let it go. My sponser (who is 50?) said with tears in her eyes, that if only she had found the peace that I have when SHE was my age... how different her life would have been; what hardships she could have avoided. But, of course, she is wise... She was not ready then; God brought her the understanding a little later. She learned the lessons she had to; faced the hardships she had to, WHEN she had to, JUST to get her to where she is today.
Now, I KNOW I am not cured... the steps are NOT a magic pill; infact, in order to truly remain healthy, I have to keep listening and learning for the rest of my life. As exhausting as it can be, I can accept this... I am anxious to see what the NEXT 30 years brings.
My intentions are not to bring you guilt or shame... You have NOT failed! Perhaps God has wanted you to wait as well... maybe NOW is your time
. Somewhere inside, I am sure that you are as strong and capable as you WANT to be; sometimes just having the faith in yourself is the toughest battle. Try to begin anew candlelight... Get yourself back to meetings. Remember that you don't have to be in a hurry, and try to rush thru your recovery, step by step. It is so true that recoveries are a process... processes take time. For me, the "working" part of the steps is what keeps me afloat; the constant learning... NOT the battles that I overcome, or the issues with my husband. Simply because I believe it will work, it does.
And you are not a dissapointment to your children... Try to stop telling yourself. There are often far more beautiful, loving moments we share with our children; but it is so easy to focus on what we are feeling guilty about. These children LOVE you, and it is not too late. You have choices still... you still have time to make NEW memories. Imagine the best person you could be for them - the reason you can imagine it, is because you are more than capable of being it
. My thoughts and prayers are with you today
Meg
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Candlelight
My thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of need. You are in the right place from what I have read today. I just found the site today (probably for a very good reason). Please know that you are not alone.
The best advise I ever got re: "Codieness" is just get through the next hour. Don't worry about anything outside of the next 60 minutes. And the serenity prayer can be a God-sent sliver of sanity in moments of desperate need.
Just an hour....
My thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of need. You are in the right place from what I have read today. I just found the site today (probably for a very good reason). Please know that you are not alone.
The best advise I ever got re: "Codieness" is just get through the next hour. Don't worry about anything outside of the next 60 minutes. And the serenity prayer can be a God-sent sliver of sanity in moments of desperate need.
Just an hour....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Candle -
Hang in there. Keep talking. Share those feelings with those of us who understand them.
I have a philosophy about the brain that I want to share with you. I visualize the brain as a large room. A man builds compartments with doors in his brain. A problem - shut it up in its own room and worry about it later. A woman's brain has no doors, it remains a wide open space that all the thoughts and problems congregate in. They get twisted and tangled up with each other until it is almost impossible to tell one problem from another - they all seem tied together.
The best advice I can give is you can only deal with one thing at a time. So grab one problem - it should be the easiest to solve - and get to work on just that one thing. It is amazing how much better you will feel when you discover that you have isolated one thing and taken care of it. I don't care if it is something as simple as rounding up your empty pop cans and taking them back to the store!!!!! Now that that is gone, you can reach for the next thing. Make a plan. Start small. Ask for the help that you need.
Your kids will love you just because you are their mom. Hang in there. Come back to the site and talk to us. I've only been on the site for 3 days and I'm already wanting to participate. It really helps. Take care.
Jo
Hang in there. Keep talking. Share those feelings with those of us who understand them.
I have a philosophy about the brain that I want to share with you. I visualize the brain as a large room. A man builds compartments with doors in his brain. A problem - shut it up in its own room and worry about it later. A woman's brain has no doors, it remains a wide open space that all the thoughts and problems congregate in. They get twisted and tangled up with each other until it is almost impossible to tell one problem from another - they all seem tied together.
The best advice I can give is you can only deal with one thing at a time. So grab one problem - it should be the easiest to solve - and get to work on just that one thing. It is amazing how much better you will feel when you discover that you have isolated one thing and taken care of it. I don't care if it is something as simple as rounding up your empty pop cans and taking them back to the store!!!!! Now that that is gone, you can reach for the next thing. Make a plan. Start small. Ask for the help that you need.
Your kids will love you just because you are their mom. Hang in there. Come back to the site and talk to us. I've only been on the site for 3 days and I'm already wanting to participate. It really helps. Take care.
Jo
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
