Its almost 3am....where is my husband?

Old 12-27-2007, 11:45 PM
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Its almost 3am....where is my husband?

I'm so done with this, but how to find the guts/courage/balls/heart to leave. Any tips?
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:16 AM
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Oh I know it seems like a cop-out, but you need to think about a few questions.

What do you want? Knowing that you cannot control anyone's actions but your own, what do you want to see happen?

What can you do to get from here to where you want to be?

I don't know how others decide, but when I decided to all just happened. At some point the misery of staying outweighs the fear of leaving.
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:16 AM
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I've walked a lot of miles in your shoes. At one point, my exAH was "lost" for 36 hours. He showed up at my job to leave off some asthma meds on a Thursday afternoon, and popped up as if nothing had happened on a Saturday morning. Meanwhile his best friend's wife - who was mega-codie and constantly calling everyone with, "Have you seen L___???", was calling me looking for her AH. I figured they were both together. If anything serious had occurred, the police would have located me. It stinks big-time. I thought I was so-done-with-this for almost three years before I just up and walked out on a Sunday evening. No particular rhyme or reason. I just had enough.

I can't tell YOU how to find the guts to leave. They're YOUR guts and you have to find it inside yourself to say "enough is enough."

So I'll share an abbreviated version (I hope!) of my story. My exAH was always losing jobs, short of cash, needed a loan (courtesy of me), finding fault with his bosses and/or coworkers, getting fired, etc.

So one Sunday evening in June 2000 he told me he was "coming up short" on paying the bills and needed me to give him $800. I had a VERY good paying job with a teachers' union in Washington, DC at the time. He was once again out of work.

bma, I cannot give you a magic formula or a concrete answer that will give you that "ah-ha" moment. All I can tell you, based on my own experience, is that I was ashamed. I WAS ASHAMED OF MYSELF. I WAS TRULY ASHAMED THAT I HAD SHAMED MY FATHER'S MEMORY OF WHAT HE RAISED HIS DAUGHTER TO BE - AND IT WASN'T SOME STINKIN' DOORMAT FOR A MEAN-SPIRITED, USER, WIFE-BEATING DRUNK.

That's all there is to it. I reached my point-of-no-return. I didn't care if he killed me while I was leaving. I was going to get out of that house alive and walking out, or dead falling out the front door. That's how bad it had to get for me, personally.

I spent about a half hour getting my files, my clothes, and my cat out the front door. Then he blocked my exit and told me, "You are not leaving here until I get my $800." As I recall, I was holding my beloved cat, Boo-Boo, in my arms. He told me I WOULD leave my cat with him. I HAD TO BE EXTREMELY ANGRY TO STAND UP TO HIM. I felt no fear, but I sure had tons of rage motiviating me. Now I was standing up against a man who had an unregistered handgun in his office. Strange, but none of the opportunities he had to kill me even entered my head. I WAS MAD. Through clenched teeth I told him to move away from the door. He obliged.

He followed me into the driveway and tried to shove me to the ground. I managed to make it to my car. He grabbed the driver's side door as I was fumbling to get the key into the ignitition while holding onto my cat. I realized he was going to yank me out of that car again, so I started screaming "RAPE!!!" and "HELP!!!" at the top of my lungs. I must have awakened the entire neighborhood. That's when he just stood there with his hand on the door. I gunned the car and threw him off it as I screeched out of the driveway.

I called the police. I filed a restraining order. I moved my stuff out of that house less than a week later. I found my own apartment. I filed for a divorce. And I never, ever regretted - even though I was shaking with fear - leaving that abusive, evil man. I never said, "...but I LOVED him," even though, in hindsight, I realized I had given him all the love I had to give.

So that it just my ES&H. It took a bellyfull of swallowing abuse - physical, emotional, and mental - but I finally said enough is enough. For me, that is what it took.
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:30 AM
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Thank you for sharing. I guess I will know it when my time to leave comes. Everytime I am almost there, he has a temporary change of ways. The last one was in the summer, he and I were going to go to a concert in Winnipeg with my sister and the day we were too leave, the thought of another concert with him passed out, slumped over in the beer line or embarrasingly drunk made me decide to just leave without him. And I did. I could not beleive I did it. I didnt call hime or answer my cell the entire time. I felt alittle proud of myself until I got home and he was convinced I had cheated on him while there. Far from it, but we did have a blast and without a drop of alcohal. After we went to another concert in Duluth were he was so drunk I had to babysit him so he wouldnt fight or get kicked out. He embarrased himself pretty good and shaped up for a while until he got arrested one night for public intoxication after we were out with friends. He just decided to start yelling at a cop in front of hundreds of people. It was rediclous(sp?) Again with another change of ways for about a week. Always the same thing, drinking drinking drinking. Our lives revolve it.
Your so right, I can only control my behavior. I just wish I could control my heart.
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:43 AM
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Originally Posted by by myself again View Post
I'm so done with this, but how to find the guts/courage/balls/heart to leave. Any tips?
I share in your pain as well. Finding the courage to leave is not always easy. I have my daughter and my stepdaughter to worry about also. This decision will affect so many people. But, if I don't leave, nothing will ever change.. I have to do it and if she will then quit drinking and stay sober, then we can have a good life, if I stay with things the way they are, I do both of us a huge disservice.
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:48 AM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
I've walked a lot of miles in your shoes. At one point, my exAH was "lost" for 36 hours. He showed up at my job to leave off some asthma meds on a Thursday afternoon, and popped up as if nothing had happened on a Saturday morning. Meanwhile his best friend's wife - who was mega-codie and constantly calling everyone with, "Have you seen L___???", was calling me looking for her AH. I figured they were both together. If anything serious had occurred, the police would have located me. It stinks big-time. I thought I was so-done-with-this for almost three years before I just up and walked out on a Sunday evening. No particular rhyme or reason. I just had enough.

I can't tell YOU how to find the guts to leave. They're YOUR guts and you have to find it inside yourself to say "enough is enough."

So I'll share an abbreviated version (I hope!) of my story. My exAH was always losing jobs, short of cash, needed a loan (courtesy of me), finding fault with his bosses and/or coworkers, getting fired, etc.

So one Sunday evening in June 2000 he told me he was "coming up short" on paying the bills and needed me to give him $800. I had a VERY good paying job with a teachers' union in Washington, DC at the time. He was once again out of work.

bma, I cannot give you a magic formula or a concrete answer that will give you that "ah-ha" moment. All I can tell you, based on my own experience, is that I was ashamed. I WAS ASHAMED OF MYSELF. I WAS TRULY ASHAMED THAT I HAD SHAMED MY FATHER'S MEMORY OF WHAT HE RAISED HIS DAUGHTER TO BE - AND IT WASN'T SOME STINKIN' DOORMAT FOR A MEAN-SPIRITED, USER, WIFE-BEATING DRUNK.

That's all there is to it. I reached my point-of-no-return. I didn't care if he killed me while I was leaving. I was going to get out of that house alive and walking out, or dead falling out the front door. That's how bad it had to get for me, personally.

I spent about a half hour getting my files, my clothes, and my cat out the front door. Then he blocked my exit and told me, "You are not leaving here until I get my $800." As I recall, I was holding my beloved cat, Boo-Boo, in my arms. He told me I WOULD leave my cat with him. I HAD TO BE EXTREMELY ANGRY TO STAND UP TO HIM. I felt no fear, but I sure had tons of rage motiviating me. Now I was standing up against a man who had an unregistered handgun in his office. Strange, but none of the opportunities he had to kill me even entered my head. I WAS MAD. Through clenched teeth I told him to move away from the door. He obliged.

He followed me into the driveway and tried to shove me to the ground. I managed to make it to my car. He grabbed the driver's side door as I was fumbling to get the key into the ignitition while holding onto my cat. I realized he was going to yank me out of that car again, so I started screaming "RAPE!!!" and "HELP!!!" at the top of my lungs. I must have awakened the entire neighborhood. That's when he just stood there with his hand on the door. I gunned the car and threw him off it as I screeched out of the driveway.

I called the police. I filed a restraining order. I moved my stuff out of that house less than a week later. I found my own apartment. I filed for a divorce. And I never, ever regretted - even though I was shaking with fear - leaving that abusive, evil man. I never said, "...but I LOVED him," even though, in hindsight, I realized I had given him all the love I had to give.

So that it just my ES&H. It took a bellyfull of swallowing abuse - physical, emotional, and mental - but I finally said enough is enough. For me, that is what it took.
You had truly reached the end of your rope with him. Sorry you went through all that.
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Old 12-28-2007, 03:33 AM
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Well I found out where my husband was. He got arrested with his buddies and I got a call from the police station to go get him. I can't believe how angry I am. He was beat up and limping and I didnt even feel an ounce of sadness for him I actually wanted to hurt him more. He asked me when I got so evil and I replied that I got evil slowly through many nights sitting wondering where the hell he was. We are in our mid 30's and his "buddies" are all in the early 20's. I just feel defeated and dispappointed and so so angry.
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:32 AM
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I'm sorry you are inthe midst of such termoil and drama. Only you can decide when you have had enough of it and what to dowhen you reach that point.

If you are waivering and feeling the for help in reaching a decision, a tool that can behelpful is to right down the plus and minus points of being where you are. Then look at the results and decide what that list tells you.

As you think about it, remember that no decision is necessarily a permanent one. If you choose to leave now it does not have to mean that you never go back. You can set a boundary for yourself that your AH has to get into recovery and if he stays in recovery for X period of time, you can then talk about getting back together.

The important part is figuring out what you want for you and your life going forward.

Going to AlAnon or getting into therapy can help you understand yourself and how your AH's choices are affacting you.
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by by myself again View Post
Any tips?
The ball started for me in 3 ways, all in one week: I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, met with our doctor and started seeing a therapist. One session with each and I knew it was done. Don't get me wrong, 2 years later I'm still utilizing all three of those resources, but I no longer live in the insanity of alcoholism.

My tip, then, would be to reach out to as many as possible to gain support. I could not believe how many people were relieved for me.

Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 12-28-2007, 08:54 AM
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I realized that leaving was the only way to change my situation, the A was only interested playing drinking games with himself. Read the posts here and get to a meeting or counselor if you can, it helps you get some perspective on your situation.
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Old 12-28-2007, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
I've walked a lot of miles in your shoes. At one point, my exAH was "lost" for 36 hours. He showed up at my job to leave off some asthma meds on a Thursday afternoon, and popped up as if nothing had happened on a Saturday morning. Meanwhile his best friend's wife - who was mega-codie and constantly calling everyone with, "Have you seen L___???", was calling me looking for her AH. I figured they were both together. If anything serious had occurred, the police would have located me. It stinks big-time. I thought I was so-done-with-this for almost three years before I just up and walked out on a Sunday evening. No particular rhyme or reason. I just had enough.

I can't tell YOU how to find the guts to leave. They're YOUR guts and you have to find it inside yourself to say "enough is enough."

So I'll share an abbreviated version (I hope!) of my story. My exAH was always losing jobs, short of cash, needed a loan (courtesy of me), finding fault with his bosses and/or coworkers, getting fired, etc.

So one Sunday evening in June 2000 he told me he was "coming up short" on paying the bills and needed me to give him $800. I had a VERY good paying job with a teachers' union in Washington, DC at the time. He was once again out of work.

bma, I cannot give you a magic formula or a concrete answer that will give you that "ah-ha" moment. All I can tell you, based on my own experience, is that I was ashamed. I WAS ASHAMED OF MYSELF. I WAS TRULY ASHAMED THAT I HAD SHAMED MY FATHER'S MEMORY OF WHAT HE RAISED HIS DAUGHTER TO BE - AND IT WASN'T SOME STINKIN' DOORMAT FOR A MEAN-SPIRITED, USER, WIFE-BEATING DRUNK.

That's all there is to it. I reached my point-of-no-return. I didn't care if he killed me while I was leaving. I was going to get out of that house alive and walking out, or dead falling out the front door. That's how bad it had to get for me, personally.

I spent about a half hour getting my files, my clothes, and my cat out the front door. Then he blocked my exit and told me, "You are not leaving here until I get my $800." As I recall, I was holding my beloved cat, Boo-Boo, in my arms. He told me I WOULD leave my cat with him. I HAD TO BE EXTREMELY ANGRY TO STAND UP TO HIM. I felt no fear, but I sure had tons of rage motiviating me. Now I was standing up against a man who had an unregistered handgun in his office. Strange, but none of the opportunities he had to kill me even entered my head. I WAS MAD. Through clenched teeth I told him to move away from the door. He obliged.

He followed me into the driveway and tried to shove me to the ground. I managed to make it to my car. He grabbed the driver's side door as I was fumbling to get the key into the ignitition while holding onto my cat. I realized he was going to yank me out of that car again, so I started screaming "RAPE!!!" and "HELP!!!" at the top of my lungs. I must have awakened the entire neighborhood. That's when he just stood there with his hand on the door. I gunned the car and threw him off it as I screeched out of the driveway.

I called the police. I filed a restraining order. I moved my stuff out of that house less than a week later. I found my own apartment. I filed for a divorce. And I never, ever regretted - even though I was shaking with fear - leaving that abusive, evil man. I never said, "...but I LOVED him," even though, in hindsight, I realized I had given him all the love I had to give.

So that it just my ES&H. It took a bellyfull of swallowing abuse - physical, emotional, and mental - but I finally said enough is enough. For me, that is what it took.

your courage and conviction were / are awesome! I hope your story inspires others to see that giving all their love to an abuser is not loving to themselves, is nothing to be sentimental over, ever, and cannot cure an alcoholic from his disease of alcoholism. You were truly given the gift of clarity and strength!
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Old 12-28-2007, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by by myself again View Post
I'm so done with this, but how to find the guts/courage/balls/heart to leave. Any tips?
Lots of great replies but the "tips" you seek are inside yourself. Keep listening for them, hun. We are here to hear you out. Keep sharing your journey and those inner promptings will get louder and more clear.
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Old 12-28-2007, 09:54 AM
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Somehow I got to the point where I was seeing his behavior clearly. The thing that made me leave forever wasn't even as bad as some past things, but I finally saw it for the insanity it was. It helped me to journal, to write down all of the craziness, and see what a looong list it was. And when the next ugliness raised its head, I had my list, and saw that it was like so many other incidents. I saw a future of more of the same, saw that's just how it was and would be.

I am kind of a daydreamer. I am a magical thinker. I am an irrational optimist. So for me, I had to force myself to look at things realistically. I gave myself a lot of time to make up my mind about leaving. I wanted to be sure. I was probably hoping that he would prove me wrong, but he didn't.

After that, the actual moving and leaving was a piece of cake. He made it as difficult as possible, but my mind was made up.

Not sure if that's helpful at all. Oh, I also started therapy about a month before I left. And started to tell all of my friends and family everything (the list) so that I could hear opinions untainted by love, compassion, and confusion. And at the time, they were much better at thinking about me and what was best for me than I was.
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Old 12-28-2007, 11:08 AM
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The ball started for me in 3 ways, all in one week: I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, met with our doctor and started seeing a therapist. One session with each and I knew it was done. Don't get me wrong, 2 years later I'm still utilizing all three of those resources, but I no longer live in the insanity of alcoholism.

My tip, then, would be to reach out to as many as possible to gain support. I could not believe how many people were relieved for me.


Great Denny! I would also agree that reaching out and getting help for yourself is a great way to start getting your ducks in a row. In my case my AH left me. He thought it would change me- and it did- but not in the ways he expected. The distance has created peace in my house- for the first time in so many years. You think I'm giving that up??? I do have these flickering doubts, but I would have to say that talking to friends and family, seeing my therapist for years, going to al-anon for almost 2, reading, have all given me the strength to say no more. No- I didn't leave him- but I think I was preparing to. His leaving was my kick in the pants. You can't do it alone. Gather strength in family, friends, therapist, books, journaling- anything you can to get healthy. You'll know when enough is enough.
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Old 12-28-2007, 06:03 PM
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Thank you all so much. I took something from each of your responses. So many kind and wise things were said. It makes you feel good to have responses to your threads, like someone cares. Its really nice. Well, He ended up with a broken leg and arm after last night. So he can't really get around. He got into a bar fight. Which means no work for a while as his job is labour. He claims this is it, he's getting his act together. I have my doubts as always.
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Old 12-28-2007, 06:11 PM
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What do you love about him? Now? (not what did you love before, when he was a different person or you were)

Do you respect him?
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Old 12-28-2007, 07:19 PM
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When you are ready to leave you will.
what is your life going to look like if you stay there for three more months?
what about a year, 5 years?
How about you make a plan for YOUR life...just for a year at least...and in that plan please add in where does he contribute?
then you will have your answer
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Old 12-28-2007, 10:32 PM
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Originally Posted by by myself again View Post
I got a call from the police station to go get him. I can't believe how angry I am. He was beat up and limping and I didnt even feel an ounce of sadness for him I actually wanted to hurt him more. He asked me when I got so evil and I replied that I got evil slowly through many nights sitting wondering where the hell he was. I just feel so so angry.
Yes, I am sure you are very angry. But you're not angry enough to leave yet, are you? As I told you in the saga of the night I left, I was ANGRY. Hey, I didn't realize until the next day that I was also scared outta my mind.

Bravery is not action in the absence of fear; bravery is action regardless of our fear.

When you get to the point that you simply cannot stand being angry at your AH another second, believe me, you WILL leave.

By the way, why did you have to go bail him and his buddies outta jail? Couldn't they have posted their own bail, remained in jail until they were sober enough to get their vehicles, or remain in jail until they could blow the legal limit for sobriety?

This is just my own opinion, but I would have let h*** freeze over before I would have bailed either one of my TWO alcoholic husbands out of jail. They've both been tossed in jail and I let them sit in there to rot until the police decided they were sober enough to be released. Sure, I got phone calls and my answer was, "Tell them to call a cab."

Perhaps it would be better to work through your anger without your AH seeing you vent while you're getting him out of the slammer. After all, you're giving him ammunition to accuse you of being "evil" and you're not accomplishing a doggone thing letting him see how angry his actions are making you.
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Old 12-29-2007, 03:15 AM
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Originally Posted by by myself again View Post
So many kind and wise things were said. It makes you feel good to have responses to your threads, like someone cares..

We all care, a lot. I've only been here for a couple of days but I already feel at home. People care about each other here- I find myself responding to threads hoping that my words have some sort of impact on the person. I guess it's because we all have such similar problems, we know what it's like and how horrible it is to feel like that.


Wow, the realization that there is a very strong support group here makes me feel all warm inside.

:ghug2
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Old 12-29-2007, 07:10 AM
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yep, i have to second prod. i have found peace in going to bed at night when ah is out knowing that i am going to sleep through the night for me, for my own health and wellbeing. i used to stay up worrying until i realized that it wasn't good for my health -lack of sleep was aging me.

i go to bed knowing that whatever happens to ah it will be him that will have to get himself out of it. i will never rescue him from a situation like that. i really feel that it is important to let another deal with the consequences of their actions. to me, anything less is enabling and cushioning a blow that needs to be felt to lead them to recovery.

A's need to reach a bottom, as do we. we slow the process by continually putting soft warm blankets on the ground for them
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