hopeangel

the threads today got me thinking about what i need to work on. these are a few things that i have struggled with all my life and i am beginning to realize that it does relate to codependency. i've read codependent no more and now almost finished beyond codependency, but... anyone have insight into these things that i can use to help.

i have always had a hard time making decisions a lot so on just the simplest things like choosing between two things. i can stand in a store for a long time trying to pick which of similar items that i want. then i leave the store and wish i would have picked the other and doubt my decisions. that is just one simple example, obviously, when it comes to the more complex things in life it gets even harder for me.

i've also had the same problem when it comes to commiting to something. i struggle with commiting, but i will say that once i really do make up my mind (this could take forever) and commit i become very stubborn and nobody can change it. i think i am loyal to a fault.

also, i've struggled with organization all my life. i know i could be soo much happier if everything in my life was more organized and i had everything together in my house for example and i could relax a lot more. i am slowly becoming more organized, but have a long way to go.

what do you all think ?

denny57

I procrastinated (which I think applies to not making a choice, too) because I feared making the "wrong" choice. Today I know I can go back and do over anything.

miss communicat

something that has helped me make and stick with my decisions, large and minor, is to remind myself that saying "no" to something is not deprivation, but that it springs from a greater "yes". So i ask myself to affirm what is most beneficial, most truthful for me, then look at the options, and gladly say "no" to certain ones of those options, and move forward into my beautiful "YES".

Hope this helps you, too!

Cynay

I was just reading a book about Commitmentphobic, I will PM you the info on them.... there are alot of really great books out there on the issue. I dont know if that has anything to do with your issue but it sure opened my eyes to a few character flaws I need to work on....

Rella927

I use to procastinate too but as Denny stated yes "Not making a choice".....today I take 30 minutes out of my day no matter what and I relax-I make the time-right after work-I feed the dog and then make a cup of coffee and have the "Me time" it makes everything flow so much nicer and things are in much better order today-I have a clearer head when it comes to making decisions, commitments etc. It is still new do not get me wrong but wow what a difference taking that breathing time-

LaTeeDa

Fear was a biggie for me, too. I had unreasonable expectations of perfection for myself. Making a mistake was something I feared more than anything. I'm finally figuring out that no decision has to be final, and mistakes are how I learn.

As far as getting organized, I avoided that by beating myself up. There was no possible way I could ever organize everything in my life, so why try? I would do one small thing and then beat myself up over all the things still to do. Again, I would just give up, knowing that I would never get it completely right. I've learned not only to take it in small chunks, but to congratulate myself and allow myself to feel good about small accomplishments. I'm still not totally organized, but at least I'm not telling myself I'm incompetent and lazy.

Excellent topic, BTW.

L

Pajarito

Hopeangel, I tend to swing both ways on decision making. I either run full speed into something I think I should do- or I agonize. This is something I will be thinking about more now that I have figured it out about myself- and your figuring it out about yourself is the first step in making the changes you want to make. Making no decision is making a decision too. . .

I need to learn to breathe instead of reacting, ask for help when the decisions seem too hard to make on my own. That doesn't mean I do what others think I should- I take in information and make MY choice based on seeing how things play out and how I feel. Commitment can come from taking your time. Once you know what you want to do you can go for it knowing you've turned over every stone.

As for organization- one of my problems too. I am taking each room in my house and purging. I feel like too much stuff makes my life more complicated. It's hard to look at it all at once, though- just one room at a time makes it more doable.

Good luck-just knowing you have identified these in yourself is a good start.

geees poncho

ditto to D57, this takes a long and a lot of time to learn.
I was there once, and I'm going back. small steps make it work.
THANK YOU DENNY57, YOU VALIDATED ME.:ghug3

hopeangel

you can go back and do anything over? no decision is final? i'm really not grasping this one yet. i have to be honest. i think it is a real trigger for me, because as i stated before i could not go back and undo the mistakes i made in a past relationship. or maybe i don't know how to do that? the fact that i could not have a second chance or a do over in that relationship has caused me much agony and now because of my recent decisions i am feeling like i might not have a second chance again at another relationship that could be healthy. i have not been able to undo things in the past. i have not been able to take back my mistakes.

to me this implies actions do not have consequences and lord knows there have been plenty of consequences for my actions.

i think i am stuck in my marriage because of fear. moving out, getting divorce just seems so permanent to me, so final. it is isn't it? i know there is no guarentee if i did that that ah would ever have me back. i really fear that i would make a bad choice-the wrong decision. i don't want to fool myself into thinking that if i leave it would not be permanent and that i might not have regrets.

i know i fear rejection because i have suffered a lot of it. i fear the unknown. the what could be's.

right now i just feel like i am in observation mode. i am just observing and letting things be. i am finding some peace in this. i think i am just waiting for something to happen. humm, as i write that i am thinking, is that really living though??? just waiting and seeing? it doesn't sound like living to me.

organization, yes, i need to just throw things out. i did some of that Christmas. i had things that were never used stuffed in a room and i gave them as Christmas presents.

commitment... i think i fear it because i know that once i commit to someone or something i give everything to that person or thing, which for me has not always been a good thing. commitments, have been final for me too. once i latch on to something, i don't let it go, at least not easliy and that has caused me problems also. in a sense, i stay stuck in it.

geees poncho

(EASY DOES IT) I'm talking small steps. move a lamp, and put it back. move a chair and put it back. Park in a different spot, small steps. (EASY DOES IT) SLOW DOWN.

LaTeeDa

I just knew there was thread from long ago posted by Minnie that covered this topic. I have found it! (Thankfully, it wasn't one of the threads lost in the crash!)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-decision.html

Cynay

They may not be the same "people" but you can learn from what happened and not make the mistake again.

In those relationships..... you can do a relationship again, trust me you will love again .... but it might not be with "that" person.... maybe it will be with someone much better for you or you never know.... maybe when you start to work on yourself the two of you will come back together.... If it is ment to be it will happen... OR.... you become healthier from those relationship and work your recovery and look back and wonder what the heck you were doing with them in the first place?????

DesertEyes

Thanx LTD, I stickied it.

Mike

denny57

I love that Minnie post, too. I have come to trust and believe that whatever decision I make is the right one FOR NOW. I have faith that though it may seem attimes I've made the "wrong" one, more will be revealed and I will see that it was right all along, for that time.

Sometimes I feel like Alice down the hole with these thoughts LOL.

hopeangel

thanks lateeda, that is a great thread. it is nice to know that i'm not alone in this.