I am in a hyperstress mode -need guidance
 

It's been a while since I posted. I didn't know where else to go to have people listen that can 'get it'.

I have been estranged from my AH since September. Got my own place, took our daughter and cat and left him without notice.

He claims that he has not drunk any since I left. We went to couples counseling for 3 sessions before he said that I was belittling him and that he didn't want to go anymore. He says he wants us to move back. I try to go over there and spend 'quality time' but I can't wait to leave every time.

Daycare is closed this week and he is off work too so we agreed that he'd watch our child during the week. I'll come over and spend the evenings with them but she'll stay with daddy until Friday night.

I called over there earlier today to arrange a time for me to come by and spend time. Little M (3 yo) answered the phone and wouldn't get AH on the phone. I talked to her for a while thinking he'd pick up the phone but he didn't. I ended the called expecting him to call back. After 10 minutes of no callback I called over there again. M answered and said that daddy was busy and wouldn't come to the phone. I asked repeatedly and finally said to her that I was getting angry and that I needed daddy on the phone.

He came to the phone and acted so d*mn indigant that I needed to talk to him. I said things like 'your the adult, adults answer the phone.' and 'I didn't know if there was something wrong because he didn't come to the phone.' He replied that he was sorry that he didn't 'snatch the phone from her' and I said 'whoa buddy, I didn't say "snatch" so don't even consider construing my words against me because that isn't going to happen!' He was silent. I said I'd be there in a bit and hung up the phone with him.

My heart raced and I started crying afterwards. Am I so emotionally raw that I made a mountain out of a molehill? Or was I appropriate? I mean I bet he'd love to have the sheriff show up to check on him. I'm glad I didn't have to do that but if he wasn't coming to the phone, the sheriff could get there a lot faster than I if there was a real emergency.

I am so angry right now. If I had another babysitter he wouldn't have her. And on a side note this just tells me that neither of us are ready for us to be a couple again.

I need a hug.

-Allison

:ghug3:Val004: :ghug3

Im glad there was no emergency.

I know the first 3 years after leaving my AH I would struggle everytime he had visitation and did some strong reacting for awhile... but under the circumstances its not unusal... dont be so hard on yourself.

But it does give you and answer that you have probably been struggling with.

Aside from the phone incident, this part jumped out at me. He wants you to move back, yet is unwilling to continue counseling? What does that say to you? To me, it would say he wants me around, but only on his terms.

And, here you go...............

:Val004:

L

Thanks, I ve calmed down now and am about to make the trip to see my beautiful daughter. I needed those hugs.

:ghug

-Allison

You didn't over react at all, no 3 year old should be answering the phone (unless there is a real emergency of course). The belittling thing raises red flags, my AH uses that one also, I just ask him why he wants to stay with someone as horrible as I am then?

I actully do belittle mine terribly. When he is drunk I say terrible things to him I don't always feel badly afterward either which scares me. One night I told him I wished he would just die and I felt badly for that comment.

I don't think Allison was overreacting either. He got pretty defensive about not coming to the phone.

I'm really concerned for your daughter. It sounds like she could be in danger. I hope everything works out for the best for her.

((()))

:Val004: ....just for you!

I do not feel that you "made a moutain out of a molehill" I would just as anyone else would be totally upset in that situation! No child of that age should be answering the telephone-

IMHO I would try to seek out other means of day care on the days that the day care is closed. This will elimanate any kind chaos that will be created-that is not healthy for you or your child.

Please keep extra special watch over your child-do what you feel is in your gutt and heart-keep her safe!

Oh and Psssssssssssssst here is another :Val004:

No proof of this probably means he is lying about it! It is not that easy to give up!

RED FLAGS!!! This has happened with my abf in the past. My daughter is 9yrs. She would say.. 'He is upstairs' which I knew meant he was drinking with her in the house. At times he has passed out and she has been unable to wake him. Each time I would have to leave work immediatlely to be there for her. Needless to say, even though abf is doing better, my parents have my daughter after school now until I get home from work, as for me, I have to make sure my daughters welfare comes first.

Lily xxxxxxx

((((((((()))))))))))
You and I are in the same boat: 4 months separated, 1 daughter. Your 3-yr-old answering the phone is not at all appropriate. I don't really even like for my 10-yr-old to answer it unless I absolutely cannot get it and we can tell who is calling- caller ID. His behavior is also much like my AH- belittling him? Counseling is something we tried and ended up going through 5 of them! As soon as any of them held his feet to the fire he was out of there- and had a way of letting me know it was all my fault. I would be very careful about leaving your daughter with him for any length of time. It sounds like he is not responsible. Your gut is telling you something- as is mine. My daughter's safety and stability have to be my responsibility-even if it means protecting her from her own father.

When dealing with an alcoholic;

unusual IS usual

anything bizarre you can dream up or cannot dream up can/will happen.


Walter Middy ring a bell?