escaping
 

Hey, everybody,

I currently live with an alcoholic boyfriend. He is very abusive when he drinks but very nice when he does not. He has done horrible things to me and I when I try to escape, he steps up his attacks. Last time I tried to leave him, he showed up at my workplace drunk and belligerent, and I almost lost my medical residency.
After a long period of unemployment,he finally got a consulting job about 600 miles away. On weekends he would fly back to see me (although I secretly wished he would not). However, I could say no because he knows where I live and would come anyway... About three months after he started his consulting job, he lost it due to his drinking too much/showing up drunk. He then begged me to move back in with me because he was homeless. Well, I told him he could but he had to wait a couple weeks. In that time period, he we on a cocaine binge and disappeared for a week. He came back and after a couple of rough weeks where he was self-detoxinbg(dangerous, I know) he cut down on his drinking and is now only drinking 3-5 beers/day. However, in my heart of hearts, I know the only way for him to be sober, is to stop drinking altogether. He promises to do that, but never does...
Anyway, I decided that I need out of the relationship. I just need some feedback about when to get out. He is (hopefully) starting a job in late January in Austin, TX (I am in New Orleans, LA) but wants to try to make the long distance relationship thing work until we can move in together after a year. I would like to be nice to him until he starts this job and then when he leaves, send him a dear john letter -- however, he still knows where I live and work. Second option: I am finishing my residency this year and interviewing around the country for my first job this month. When he asks me where I matched/am moving to, I could lie and then basically disappear. This means I would have to put up with him till May, though.

I would try to serve an order of protection against him right before he leaves for the new job so that you can call the police if he calls you or comes to your house. It does not sound like a dear john letter is going to do the job of keeping him away.

Sorry you are going thru all this.

My question is why you think you need to put up with him at all? Why can you not kick him out immediately? You do not owe him a thing IMO. He is abusive!

If it were me I would kick him out, with the help of the police if necessary and get a protective order to keep him away. This could so easily escalate to violence. Protect yourself and do not waste time worry about him.

Hey there... sounds like a insane situation to be in.... Im going to give my my perspective and I want you to remember to take what you want and leave the rest.

My first thought is he is not your responsibility to take care of. The relationship your describing is abusive and I dont see any reason why you should try to "be nice" in abusive situations.... that certainly is not "nice".

I too would get an order of protection and then follow through with the police if anything happens.

Also there is a though about being an enabler for our Alcoholics and most of them I have talked too (and trust me that is many) did not make the decision to get clean or sober while someone was helping them or "being nice" ... most tell me it was because they were at their bottom... no job, home, family, money etc.... Maybe you could look at it this way.... just maybe the nicest thing you could do is get out of the way in saving him so he can hit this bottom.

My last thought is for your safety...... He is mixing Alcohol and some pretty strong drugs... Hon, it is not even safe for you to be around him, with that in his brain you dont know how he will react or what he could do... He does not even know and I have seen the nicest people drop off the deep end due to drugs and alcohol.

Please remember to take care of yourself... after all you only get one shot at living your life and you deserve much better then that.

Wow! Your guy doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a hostage. And those of us who involve ourselves with addicts make the perfect hostages. For some reason, we don't know how to get out. And when the door is open and unguarded, we're afraid to make our escape.

I think you might have to get tough -- get the order of protection. Save yourself. At least it sounds like you have a plan.

Seems to me that if you're going to be a doctor, it would be hard to hide yourself from him. I can find all my doctors online either through their work websites or papers they write, etc.

Perhaps the best and safest thing to do when you decide you're ready to leave him is to get a restraining order. Have you consulted with a battered women's hotline or website? They probably can offer a wealth of information.