Struggling with Detachment

Old 12-25-2007, 11:21 PM
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Struggling with Detachment

Hi all, technically, I'm new here (though I did have one post like 8 months ago, but it's no where to be found.) I've been reading the all your posts and this really seems like a good place to be, a place I need. What follows is a long read, so you know, just a warning.

(a little backstory)
I feel like my older brother is ruining his life. All of our family has felt like this since he was about 16, he's 24 now. He was a delinquent, always getting into trouble. He's been to jail a few times, but for the last couple of years he's been pretty law-abiding. While he hasn't been getting into trouble with the law anymore, he always hangs out with the wrong kind of people and drinks a lot. His drinking started about 4 years ago- he leaves all day, then comes home in the early morning, (think in the area of 3am,) or doesn't come home at all.

He dropped out of High School, doesn't have a job and makes little effort to get one. At first we were angry and then we just wanted help for him. He doesn't want our help though. I can accept that; after much reading, I've come to learn that none of us can save him, only he can save himself. I want to detach myself from him so badly, and there have been times where I've succeeded. But one week he'll come home drunk 5 out of the 7 days, and then the next two he'll be the good person I know he is deep inside. As hard as that as, I think I can deal with it. I can accept that I cannot save him, I can only save my own sanity and pray for his well being. What tears me up inside is watching my parents try to deal with him. We all tried for him to get help, and their only options in this situation is to either kick him out or detach ourselves and have him keep doing this. I know they won't kick him out, they don't have it in them. I don't blame them, if they ever went through with it, we're pretty sure he'd be lost forever (we'd speed up the process I guess.) I watch them though, and just feel so sad for them. I feel like one day we are going to get a call that he's in jail or worse (I don't even want to type that word.) I know if it ever happens it will be tremendous difficult to deal with, but more than the possibility of him having those things happen to him, the thought of what my parents will feel brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to see them suffer like that.

(on to the present day)
Christmas was ok, but he was buzzed, though I should be glad he wasn't flat out drunk. He came home tonight to get something, then he left again, drunk. I overheard my mom and sister talking about him, I could tell that my mom was worried about somethin happening to him (moreso than usual.) On to the detachment which is my main point of this post- He and I share a room. When he comes home drunk, I take the brunt of it. I see him stumbling around, I clean up after the mess he makes in the kitchen (so no one else has to)- everyone else just locks their doors and goes to sleep. Our room is a bit removed from the other bedrooms. How am I supposed to detach myself from him if I ALWAYS see him come home drunk? What can I do? The last thing I want to do is move out since I enjoy living at home and don't have any other options. I decided to go to a close College mainly because I could stay at home. I don't want to move, and I feel like that isn't even an option.

I want to detach myself from him, but I feel like it is so much more difficult because I'm forced to be in such close proximity to him. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I know I'll be needing this site in the future.
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Old 12-26-2007, 12:55 AM
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Hope this helps

Hi 82tb,
I've been going to AL-Anon, for a couple of weeks now and the literature they have says that detachment doesn't necessarily require physical separation. In fact I've just got the leaflet out so I'll quote what it says for you 'Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively. Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a greater power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking their behavior'

I would recommend going to AL-ANON meetings. I didn't want to at first, and was reluctant being there for several meetings, but after a while you start to realize that it really helps, when you hear other peoples stories, many just like your own. For me it gave me much clarity and strength knowing that I am not alone, and so many people are dealing with the same problem. It helps to talk to those people, because things soon start to make sense, and it helps you to stop questioning yourself and your actions. My situation is all fairly new and raw, but I do feel that going to AL-ANON, is giving me strength and allowing me to think more clearly and logically about things and the nature of the disease. Every now and then I realize something that I hadn't before, which helps in my own healing. It is true that we despite how much we love them, can not change them, they have to want it for themselves, and only then can things start to look up, but at AL-ANON, you learn how to deal with the daily situation, how to be supportive, while at the same time detaching. Detaching doesn't necessarily mean removing yourself from the alcoholics life. Going to AL-ANON, is helpful for both you and the alcoholic in your life. Please check them out. They have several meetings daily. It has certainly helped me, even though I know I still have a long long way to go, but as they say, it's one day at a time.

Anyway hope this helps.
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Old 12-26-2007, 01:01 AM
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I agree with Alice Kate....Al Anon! There is alot of great reading material here on this site too. I think the biggest thing to remember is that you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. You can take care of you, your parents can take care of themselves. Alot of times when dealing with alcoholics, we want to take responsibility for them and their actions (codependent behavior). What they do is not our problem, we are responsible to ourselves and how we deal. My alcoholic was my husband. I got a divorce recently. Many, many people are able to stay in close proximity with their Alcoholic and carry on with life. Keep reading, keep posting, get to some meetings. SR saved my sanity.

NC
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:02 AM
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Hey 82tb, Glad you are here! Oh for sure- find an al-anon meeting near you, it will give you support just like you will find here for one thing. And the other- read more about detachment, It is truly about detaching yourself either physically or mentally from the situation. Just something you have to begin to practice. IE-try to take baby steps towards not picking up after him, could you talk to your mother and see if he can have the couch or another area to sleep in? Express how it bothers/interrupts your sleep when he comes in? I am sure these are things you have thought of, but I am just trying to give examples of ways to get around it. Its tuff having an elephant in the house everyone steps over, (elephant=alcoholic) but you can learn how to still keep your sanity even with him there. Hang in there-keep coming here and check out those meetings, they have great literature there as well. Get whatever you want off your chest, anytime. That helps so much.
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Old 12-26-2007, 04:42 PM
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Set your boundaries w/ him . Maybe you can get your parents to go to al-anon w/you to better help them set their own boundaries. Addiction really is a family disease. The addict that makes us hurt and react in ways maybe we wouldn't and through the yrs. the rest of the family may have habitual maladaptive behav. too.
It helps to be communicative our feelings + needs. Let your parents know how it is affecting you and your ability to fulfil your dream of being a good college student.
With addiction in a family often a lot get swept under the rug w/o being talkied about.
let it begin with you. It is your bro's life don't be less than you are capable of bec of his choices. Keep returning here for info and support.
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Old 12-26-2007, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by 82tb View Post
On to the detachment which is my main point of this post- He and I share a room. When he comes home drunk, I take the brunt of it. I see him stumbling around, I clean up after the mess he makes in the kitchen (so no one else has to)- everyone else just locks their doors and goes to sleep. Our room is a bit removed from the other bedrooms. How am I supposed to detach myself from him if I ALWAYS see him come home drunk? What can I do? The last thing I want to do is move out since I enjoy living at home and don't have any other options. I decided to go to a close College mainly because I could stay at home. I don't want to move, and I feel like that isn't even an option.

I want to detach myself from him, but I feel like it is so much more difficult because I'm forced to be in such close proximity to him. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I know I'll be needing this site in the future.
Hi 82tb:

Before you even think about going to an Al-Anon meeting, you have get out of that room or he has to get out of that room. Living in the same house with an alcoholic is hard enough, but living in the same room??? You need a quiet place where you can close the door, center yourself, and detach from what is happening on the other side of the door. You need a sanctuary, and if you don't have one, you need to get one.

You know why all of this crap is going on in your house, right? Who is setting the boundaries in the house? Is it not the alcoholic in the house who is setting the boundaries and everybody else is left making adjustments? I don't know about you, but I don't want to be adjusting my boundaries so that they are in line with the boundaries of an alcoholic.

One thing that we need to remind ourselves is that detachment without setting boundaries is an exercise in futility. I don't even let people smoke in my house, regardless of who they are. Do you think that I am going to let an alcoholic child set boundaries for me as a parent? Over my dead body. Your parents, I mean this with no disrespect, sound as drunk as their son. Be that as it may, you can't control your parents, so you are left with controlling yourself. See if you can get your parents to get him out of your room. How fair is it to you that they get to lock their doors, yet you have no door to lock. If they don't get him out of your room - into the basement, somewhere else - then you need to get yourself out of there. Just my advice, my friend. Take what is beneficial and leave the rest.

Peace.
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Old 12-26-2007, 05:20 PM
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I didn't see the part about you having to share a room.
Can your parents afford to help you rent a room in someone else's house or perhaps a house shared by several students so that your focus is where is should be, on your studies and yourself??
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Old 12-29-2007, 01:22 AM
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Thanks to all that replied, it really does help.

With regards to the last part about having to share a room, we live in an apartment- there really isn't any space for another person to live. We can't afford for me to live somewhere else, though honestly, I love living at home, except for my brother's drinking. I feel like the only thing that I can do is as Alice said, do my best to detach myself mentally. That probably makes it more difficult but I can take it, and although I am very hesitant, I should check out a few Alanon meetings- and at the very least continue reading their literature. I guess I have to wait a while until I can physically seperate myself, but it's comforting to know that detaching mentally also works. Thanks again for the support.
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