Newbie Here....this could be long

Old 12-25-2007, 09:16 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Midwest
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Cool Newbie Here....this could be long

I feel exhausted and I am glad I found this board. So, let me give you my life story..

My DH & I have been married for a little over 5 years. Our first (and only so far) child is 20 months old. We are each other's best friend. We share the same interests. We enjoy doing things together. We talk to each other all the time like best friends do. We share everything with each other. We have fun together. (Don't worry, we also have separate friends, etc. We aren't glued at the hip!)

However, one thing has been really dampening my affection towards DH over the past year or so. And it is his drinking. DH was active duty in the Marine Corps for 4 years and got out in 2006. While he was in, we enjoyed partying with everyone on the weekends. We were young & without kids. It was a fun time. It seemed like after he got out of the MC, he really developed a strong habit of drinking. I noticed that he would just always "go overboard". You know the point when someone is drinking and they are a little loosened up and then if they drink just a little more, they become irritable or irritating, mean, rude, annoying, etc etc. Well, I noticed that DH was becoming that mean/rude person alot more often than I ever remembered. He has never been abusive or anything like that, just rude & unpleasant.

Well, he has continued this drinking habit despite countless conversations about how I hate who he is when he drinks like that. I feel like I give up on it because he will be rude & drunk one night and get all irritated at me because I don't really talk to him that much just because I know he is drunk & unpleasant. So, if I try to explain to him why I am not talking to him or whatever while he is drunk, of course that does absolutely no good...because then he just gets defensive about it. So then, the next morning, he will always be all lovey-dovey and say things like "I'm going to cool it on the drinking" or whatever, but it never happens.

It really makes me mad because I used to enjoy when we would "go out" together or with friends and have a few drinks. But anymore, it becomes a hassle because he acts like a 15 year old that is drunk for the first time and I feel like the 22 year old that is babysiting him. And then it is no fun for me at all. And you know, it wouldn't bother me that much if this only occured maybe a couple times a year but anymore, it is at least twice a month, if not more. And even if he doesn't get *that* drunk, his drinking is alot more frequent than I am comfortable with.

For example, I bought a fifth (750ml) of Jim Beam on Thursday for a recipe I was baking. I used 4oz of it. It was completely gone as of last night. And he worked on Thursday night so I know he didn't drink any that evening before work. He works from 5pm - 3am. And he only drinks in the "evenings" after he gets off of work or if he isn't working that night. So in the time period of probably 4am Friday to 10pm Monday, he drank a fifth of Jim Beam, plus probably 7 or 8 bottles of beer we had at the house. Plus, we went out on Friday night to celebrate my SIL's 30th bday and we both had several drinks over the course of 7 hours. That might not seem like alot to some people, but to me, (who is a moderate drinker) that is alot.

I was mad at him last night, freakin Christmas Eve!, because I realized that he drank all of that and he was drunk so I'm sure none of it went thru to him. I hate it because it is the ONE thing that just totally puts me off from him. It makes me totally unattracted to him. And we have had the discussion so many times, I am just tired of it. I was thinking today that I guess the only option is to go see a counselor about a possible alcohol abuse problem? I love him but I hate feeling unattracted towards him because of this behavior.
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Old 12-25-2007, 09:29 PM
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Welcome, Tink, glad you found us. Please direct your attention to the stickies at the top of our board. There is a wealth of information on alcoholism and codependency for you to read. I don't know if you've been reading any of our threads here, but that might be helpful as well.

Christmas. A time of year when the A's ("alcoholics") go bonkers and the codies (codependents - namely, us!) start fussing at them for drinking. We discuss the issue with them. We fret. We worry. We keep looking at the bottle(s) to compute how much they consumed. We ignore them. They ignore us. We yell. They yell.

They keep drinking.

You could move heaven and earth and it would NOT stop his drinking. So now what do you do? Find Al-Anon meetings in your area. Try six meetings to see if it helps you. We're here to help and support you in any way we can. We can't help or support him because he is not asking for it. From you, from us, from his Higher Power, or anyone else.

You're going to meet an awesome group of people here. I've been hanging around on this board for almost four years. Yeah I'm still a codie, but I thank every person on this board, and God who somehow got me here, for support, understanding, and love.

Another suggestion: pick up a copy of Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More." I believe there are more reading suggestions in the stickies section. Again, welcome.
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Old 12-26-2007, 02:17 AM
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Nothing to add to Prodigal's fine post. Just wanted to welcome you to SR. I hope you find our forum helpful and you keep coming back!
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Old 12-26-2007, 06:24 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Welcome. Stay around and keep posting. There are a lot of folks in here who have been thru very similar situations.
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Old 12-26-2007, 07:37 AM
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Welcome Tink-just wanted to say that you have found a great place, Ditto to what you have already been told for sure, but begin here by reading-I found so much comfort and solid information in the information on here, it will really help you understand this disease. Once you understand it, you will begin to feel much better. We all know where your coming from. Just a note as well, if you can get to a meeting, but find yourself pinched for time as well, ask the meeting moderator if you can get their books that they have there-those are very helpful too, May be a nominal small charge for them, but there is alot of information, information thats relevant to you.

Happy Holidays and Welcome!
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Old 12-26-2007, 09:24 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
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Welcome Tink......stick around and read all you can because knowledge is power. And with the disease of alcoholism you will need all the knowledge you can get. Like the others have said please start with the stickies at the top of this forum and if you want to click on any of our names to read our histories. Again welcome here and keep posting.

It sounds like to me that his pattern of drinking is escalating and lasting longer...hopefully he will find a rehab that can help him now....before it worsens. AA is a very good place for him to start....the good people there can help him see the light and where he is heading if he doesn't stop now.
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Old 12-26-2007, 09:31 AM
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Welcome Tink! Prod hit it well....Just wanted to Welcome you and say that you are not alone! Please keep posting and coming back-glad that you found us!
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Old 12-26-2007, 12:07 PM
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Welcome to you. I have to say that I wish I had found this board when I was at the stage you are at. I did not find SR until I had been married 18 years and my children were 12 and 8. I, like you, outgrew the partying mentality when I had kids. I couldn't understand why my husband never did. I kept thinking he would. You know, men mature more slowly than women, don't have that maternal instinct, blah, blah, blah. I now find myself divorced and starting over at the age of 45. It never got better, none of the promises he made ever came true, and I almost went insane. Whatever you decide to do with the information you find here, I hope you are grateful for finding it as soon as you did.

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Old 12-26-2007, 02:59 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Midwest
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Thanks everyone. I was searching around for the AlAnon meetings and the ones that had babysitting weren't at times that I could attend due to my work schedule. I will try to find a way to make it to a meeting soon. My work schedule is going to be changing within the next month & I will be able to attend a meeting in the morning.

Tomorrow, my daughter is spending the night at her grandparent's house so DH & I will have a chance to talk about this while he is not drinking and we are not distracted by DD.

I can tell from what he has said that he wants to seek help. He hates knowing that he makes me feel the way he does but I think when he starts drinking he cannot exercise control. I also think counseling will help him because of possible PTSD issues he has from being in Iraq. His drinking really didn't become a problem until about a year after he returned from being deployed.

And at a bachelor party he attended about a year & a half ago, he had a total breakdown while he was drunk. He felt like he was being attacked, like a flash back or something, and was crying and everything around all of these close friends of his at one of his friend's bachelor's party. Very unusual.

I also think the PTSD problems he could be having are being intensified with his job as a police officer. He patrols in a pretty hard area. He witnesses death at least once a week, if not more often.
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