Alice Kate

My 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ended 6 weeks ago. I am absolutely devastated. He drank when I met, which caused us to argue as right from the first drink he became a completely different person. He was cruel, cocky, obnoxious, confrontation, and a mad man behind the wheel. One night he ran a red light and nearly killed us, that was the final straw for me. He told me then he was an alcoholic. His Dad and Grandfather were too. I had never been in contact with alcoholism before, and as he wasn't falling over drunk and physically being sick, I just thought he was exagerating. He hated the person he was when he drank and came to the decision that he didn't want to be that person anymore, so took himself to AA and to see a specialist. This lasted only a few months. He ramained sober until recently, that was 2 and a half years.

For those 2 and a half years we had a wonderful relationship. We would argue like everybody every now and then, but we had a great relationship, and in the last year we have become so close and even more devoted to each other.

The last 5-6 months I have noticed him getting increasingly overwhelmed with his life. Sales are bad at work, and he has lots of potential money making projects on the go, not to mention his fear, that this is his last chance at 33 to become a rockstar (his dream) with his band. He is an obsessive planner. Everything has to be planned out. Every detail of his day, included the amount of time alloted to each task, including eating and showering, loading up the car etc. All of this he writes down. He has felt that he hasn't enough time in the day, and his life is flying past him, and he's unable to keep up. I have told him many times he needs to slow down. He sets impossible goals for himself, and then gets anxious and stressed when he is unable to meet them. When in fact it's not his fault, no one could meet those goals.

When he does not drink he is the most wonderful, sweet, caring, loving man in the world, and very protective of me, and constantly feared losing me for no reason whatsoever. He knew how devoted to him I was, and would never dream of doing anything to hurt him. He knew that, yet still feared losing me. He was very much a loner when I met him, and so I was amazed how close we became.

Anyway I caught him drinking a couple of times recently. We argued because he was that other person again, and absolutely horrible to me. I told him the next time it happened our relationship would be over. The reason being, before I met him, he used to drink every night and pick up girls all the time, to boost him self esteem and feel good about himself, and the next day be disgusted with himself, which resulted in him having very little respect for women. Although he assured me he would never do that now as he was with me, and I completely believed him, there was that part of me that would worry, because after all he was out of control when drinking and I feared anything was possible, so my anger resulted out of total fear. I just din't recognize him at all when he drank. As when he was not drinking, he was very respectable, high morales, incredibly loyal and the ideal guy. The total opposite.

Well that next time happened, and I ended it. I just couldn't deal with it any longer. He was devastated and crying and begging to work things out. I said I couldn't cope anymore. He was very depressed and sought comfort from someone at work and ended up sleeping with her, because his life had gotten out of control, everything was falling apart, and now the one thing that he feared the most happened, I had left him.

And I truly hate myself for this. It wasn't until now that I have come to understand alcoholism and the fact that it is a disease. I destroy myself everyday as I feel I have partly caused this. If I had of understood before maybe I could have helped him and been supportive, and none of this would have happened. He wrote me a very sad letter, telling how he had been drinking for 6 months but was afraid to tell me, how he truly loved me, I am everything to him, and how he feels hollow and dead inside. He hates himself and feels ashamed. I felt so guilty because I didn't understand at the time. I saw him again and apologised for not understanding what he was going through, and told him I wanted to help him, and see if we could work through this together. He was so happy at that, yet 3 hours later when we spoke, he had been drinking and was horrible to me on the phone again. He said he doesn't have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship right now, and he wants to drink right now. I know the alcohol has got hold of him again, and he knows he can't stop. He also smokes pot every day. This also affects him differently. It relaxes most people, but with him it makes him on edge, touchy and paranoid

This is so heartbreaking to me. We are both so in love, and this is a tragedy that this has happened. I know it's because of this disease which he has no control over, but it's so hard to get my head around things. It just seems so unfair. We were both so happy and content with our lives together, yet alcohol has driven us apart. I know he needs to decide to stop himself. I know I can't help him, despite the fact I want to. We have not spoke for 3 weeks now........ I think this is for the best, as they say you have to let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of their drinking.

I have recently started going to AL-ANON which is great. I know I need to start taking the focus off him and putting it onto me and my recovery, but it's just so hard to accept that he might permanently go back to his old life, even though it didn't make him happy, as oppsed to getting help with his drinking and being happy together again.

Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. I'm sorry it's long, just wanted to get everything down.

Thanks

Alice Kate

mushroom

No, you could not have helped him, and no you did not cause it. Being supportive often seems to be the worst thing in the world you can do for an alkie - it allows them to continue drinking. And no amount of understanding will change anything.

You did the only thing you could do to help him - you set a boundary, and you carried it out when he crossed it by leaving him. Now he can choose for himself what to do with his life - go back to his old ways, or fix himself. You can't help him, you can't fix him, and he's right when he says he can't be in a relationship right now, unrecovered alcoholics are not capable of adult relationships.

Pretty common actually. Most alkies are loners at heart as they do not know how to relate to people except when drunk. Becoming very close very fast is a typical codependent/alcoholic dance.

For what it's worth, mine told me repeatedly that he loved me too much to ever hurt me, but he kept drinking and he kept trying to kill himself and he kept promising 'this is the last time I swear!' None of it stopped until I left him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! believe me there are many many here who have gone through the same kind of thing as you have, and we know how much it hurts, and we also know that the pain will not last - you WILL get through it!

In Al Anon you will get the opportunity to learn what it is about you that attracted you to someone with this problem, so you can fix yourself and not get sucked into alcoholic relationships again. You are the only one you can fix, and the only one who can fix you, after all!

SaTiT

Don't have any advice Kate,
Sorry that you're going through this.
Be gentle to yourself through all of this.

reach out as much as you can..i guess
Talk to someone else other than your ex-bf
Writting is good..so all those thouhts don't go spining as much.
Just know that you're not crazy. It's okay to feel what you feel.
It's okay to be anger, it's okay to cry.

You pretty much describe my agf in general. i fought her alcoholism
for 3 years because i couldn't let go. In the end..we're not together
anyway..after all of that. I felt i've wasted the best years of my life.
Over 10 years i felt just battling, struggling and trying to prevent
wrackage , It felt like one big merry go round.

I was younger than 30 when i first met her...Now, i feel, beat up
worn out ...yeap in the realm of devasted and confused.

Maybe i should have persuit my dream of being a rock star..instead.
Even my HS best freind has his own record label and is will know
in the metal scene.
it was all or nothing...i have nothing today anyways.

anyway..yeap focus on yourself...Your dreams...

prodigal

Yes, the pain of each of us codies is that we must let go of OUR drug of choice; namely, the addict who has infliltrated our lives to the point that we post all about them and have little to say about ourselves. How could we? We're so wrapped up in the addict's addiction that we've lost sight of who we are, what we are, or what we want or feel.

I can understand you are having a difficult time accepting that he may go back to his old life; however, you are assuming for him that it didn't make him happy. Obviously, it didn't. But it isn't for you to determine, is it? If he feels drowning himself in booze makes him "happy" then that is his choice. It's not your's to make.

Please let me say this: his getting sober won't necessarily guarantee your hapiness. I was married to TWO alcoholics, and I can tell you that my hapiness did not hinge on their periods of sobriety. Initially, I thought it did until I discovered who I was, what I wanted, what I needed - FOR ME.

I'm glad you're here and please don't take this response as hard-hearted. I've been living with addicts my entire life. It took me a very, very long time to realize that the only common denominator in my relationships was me.

Don't punish yourself or feel guilty for another person's decisions. Neither you, nor I, nor anybody else, can determine what a person decides. It's called freedom of choice and each of us have the right to exercise it without any outside influence.

hope2bhappy

Relapse is not a failure of treatment or family support, but rather a symptom of the disease. It is not your fault and could/would happen whether you are in his life or not. Be kind to yourself.

CBrown

NO. This was NOT your fault. The rest have added many wise words but I just had to reemphasize that it is NOT your fault. It was and is his decision (even though it may be because he is gripped by an addiction) to drink, treat you cruelly, and the rest. I hope you keep up with Alanon and keep reading and posting here. It will help you to see the truth of his horrible addiction and your relationship with him. Best of luck to you!