guineapigjude

A couple of weeks ago, when the kids were coming back from a visit with XAH, they told me he wanted to know if he could bring a "really big and heavy" Christmas present in the house for each of them. He said he bought something special for them since he wasn't going to see them on Christmas. (Translation, never even tried to ask to see them on Christmas.)
I asked him, away from the kids, what the big presents were. We live at my parents house, and are crammed in. The kids each had to give away tons of "stuff" to fit into their new rooms. I sleep in the den! Anyway, XAH told me he gave them "tons of small stuff" in a big box to "make it fun for them." I said okay.
Yesterday he dropped off the boxes on the front porch, plus a trash bag full of small gifts. The kids said he told them the big presents were electronics, from Circuit City, that they were to keep the presents in their rooms and take them with them to college.
Well, call me a codie, call me inappropriate, but I call me a Mom. I opened one end of a big box to see what he bought, or rather who he "modified" the truth to. Get this ~ he bought each kid (13 and 15) a mini fridge for their room! (He always wanted one in the bedroom to keep the Buds close...)
Now is the dilemma. My parents are not pleased (and neither am I) since there is no room for these fridges and they'll end up being a fire hazard unless the kids give up their TVs and video games. (Not enough outlets, very old house). I'm also not pleased that he chose to lie to me (surprise). But I don't want to spoil the kid's Christmas, or fall into the trap of putting their dad down for what I consider an inappropriate gift choice. When the kids told me dad had bought them electronics, I already told them they would probably have to lose their TVs/ video game systems to plug the new whatever in, or just plug the new whatever in when they need it (I thought he might have bought them printers at first.) because we can't overload the circuits in their rooms. Of course I haven't told the kids I looked to see what he bought.
Please give me feedback on how you think I should handle this? It's not about punishing or protecting XAH, it's about trying to keep the holiday as happy as possible. He's put me in the position of either disappointing the kids, or defying my parents wishes. My gut tells me to tell the kids they can keep the fridges but lose the TVs, or store the fridges til they're off to college or we're in our own, bigger place. But I'm codie enough to realize I'm not always objective....
Thanks!

ICU

Oh gosh, that's a tough one. Why would a 13 and 15 year old need a refrig in their rooms at their age? Yeah, when they go to college maybe, but how many years away is that?

I'm thinking out loud here, but, what about letting them have the gift as your ex intended, and, leave it up to your children to decide if they want to 'exchange it' for something they can use right now instead?

That way, you're not slighting your ex, your are abiding by your parents wishes....oh yeah, but that does hinge on the kids wanting to exchange it though. Uggggg! Sorry, I tried!

prodigal

Leave it to an A to come up with something so inventingly, shall we say, crazy!?! I'm with ICU on this one. I think I'd leave it up to your children to decide if they wish to return the items. However, since your AH told them he was giving them "electronics" do you think they're expecting something along the lines of computer printers instead? If my dad gave me a fridge for my room when I was 13 or so, I'd probably look at it and say, "HUH???" Had I been in college, the gift would have been a welcome addition, but in this situation ....

I can understand your parents' displeasure, but I assume they know who they're dealing with, as far as your AH goes. If they're displeased, you can have a clear conscience that you had NOTHING to do with these "gifts."

hopeangel

oh gosh guinea, i'm upset for you and the kids just reading this. i can't imagine how you feel. leave it to an A to get the least practical useless gift possible and to not ask you if it was okay and to lie to you! inconsiderate and your right it puts you in the position of being the bad guy.
i'm one for open communication, but it doesn't look like there is much going on here on his part. i know you don't have much time, but is it possible to talk to him explain how you and your parents feel and maybe he can return the gifts in time for Christmas??? i know i'm reaching here, but i don't have any other ideas.

hadenoughnow

I would just let them open the gifts as is and offer to take them to exchange them if they want. I can tell you that my 13 year old would be PISSED if he got a mini fridge for xmas. Your kids probably think they are getting a Wii or PS3, oh boy, leave it to an A...............

guineapigjude

Aaaah. If only I could! But I tried that, and he lied. I have a feeling he bought the fridges will engaging in one of his favorite holiday activities ~ shopping and drinking. Then he knew he needed to lie to me about what he got the kids, because it's an inappropriate choice. Dump it in my lap.
I've just tried to restate to the kids, when they speculate on their "big gift", that they have no room for new electronics, or anything big, and that they'll have to take something out of their rooms to fit in a big new gift. I've also made sure I've stressed that I'm a bit confused because dad did not tell me he bought them electronics, that he told me something different. Then when they open the gift, I'll give them the options of putting them in their rooms but losing their TVs/video games, storing the gifts til they have room/use for them, or asking Dad to return them so they can get a more appropriate gift.
The sad part? They will opt not to be straight with Dad. They are too afraid to get him mad, to drive him away, to hurt his feelings .... they'll just tell him the fridges are great and leave it at that. I won't try to change their minds, either, because they have such limited contact with him, it isn't worth the battle or very productive. He just refuses to get it.

FormerDoormat

I'm with ICU on this one. The gifts were given to your children, not to you or your parents. So they should be the ones to decide what, if anything, to do with the gifts their father gave them.

Mini refrigerators are all the rage for teens and tweens right now. I think your husband was trying to give them a thoughtful gift. I think they should be accepted in the manner in which they were given--graciously.

guineapigjude

The only trouble with that logic is that he left us without money to survive on our own, so we were forced to come to my parents to have a place to live or be forced into a shelter. I specifically told him they had no room for big gifts. And it certainly is up to my parents. It's their house, we are guests, and they don't want the fridges in their rooms.
Gosh. He lied to me about what he was giving them. How gracious is that?

FormerDoormat

My daughter was abandoned by her father at birth. He never came to see her. He never called her. He never sent her a birthday or Christmas card. He never sent her a gift. She'll be 22 years old in May, and he probably doesn't even remember her name.

Yet if for some reason he had sent her a Christmas gift, my daughter and I would have appreciated it and accepted it graciously. I hold no animosity towards my daughter's father. What good does animosity do anyone? I find that it eats away at me and sucks the life out of me. Besides, he gave me a beautiful daughter.

Gifts such as these are only problemmatic if I choose to view them in a negative light. When I begin snooping because I expect a negative outcome, a negative outcome is usually what I get. Plus I end up working myself into a tizzy. The way I react when my daughter receives a gift that I'm not thrilled about can either make or break her holiday. I can make the receiving of gifts and Christmas Day a wonderful experience or I can spoil the day for everyone. The choice is mine. It's even more important for me to choose wisely when my choices can ruin my daughter's special day.

geees poncho

Are these things in a box or can you clearly see that it is, what it is
dads have been knowen to play tricks.

Wascally Wabbit

This is a tough one. Perhaps you could tell x that there is no room where you are for the fridges. Could he keep them at his house till you find a place of your own?

hbb

(((Jude))) nothings ever easy is it. I'm wondering the practicality of a fridge for a 13 and 15 year old. Like other's said, i would think on the lines of a tv or game type thing, but a fridge? I think that's odd too! JMO. Sorry i don't have much advice but am here for you

FormerDoormat

The whole idea behind gift giving is that the giver gets to choose what gift to give--the receiver does not. Just throwing this out there for discussion, but perhaps a lack of control is the root of the issue at hand.

ccirider

Hi FD:

Thanks for the reminder here about hanging on to animosity. I am reading a pretty good book by Craig Nakken - "Reclaim Your Family From Addiction, How couples and families recover love and meaning." He says:

In life, we're constantly learning new ideas and aquiring and letting go of people and objects. We choose this, let go of that. One of the most important skills we'll ever develop concerns what to hold on to and what to let go of. Life is an endless refining of this skill.

The key to happiness, from my experience, has been the refining of this skill. I applaud you for letting go of resentments towards your ex, and I wish more codies understood the importance of doing so. Our recovery depends upon continually refining this skill. Keep taking the high road FD.

Peace.

hope2bhappy

I would return them to the store and get something else they can have actually have fun with. I don't think the kids will object to this. Why on earth would they want refrigerators at their age??? Your X sounds as gift-challenged as my AH.

denny57

I'd let them open the gifts, see how they react and share the reality with them - they will not be able to use them until you're in a new place. My experience with kids is they're pretty accepting if things are explained to them. I wouldn't hint for one second that their father gave them something stupid, whatever his motives may be. I'd take a good hard look at my own motives. It's the only way I have grown.

Concentrating on how dumb an idea the alcoholic had kept me in a place of frustration.

Mr. Christian

Well, I think you went over bounds on this one.
It was not for you to open or do anything about.
Step away from this, it’s not the hill you want to die on.

LaTeeDa

I have to agree with Mr. C, here. Opening gifts to others ahead of time to check their 'appropriateness' isn't in the spirit of Christmas. Open the gifts on Christmas, deal with the reality of the situation (give up the TV if you want to plug in the fridge) and try to stay positive about it.

L

mushroom

With adults, yes I'd agree, opening it up ahead of time to check its appropriateness is, well, inappropriate.

But these are minor children, and the giver is known to have poor judgment. I think it was a good idea to check on what was in the box first.

That said - they're for your kids, not you, so let them open them. And, since it's not your house and the owner has stated that the fridges are not to be used in the rooms, you should be prepared to explain that when the kids open them. Here's where it was a good idea to be prepared ahead of time. The kids are old enough to understand that not every present is going to be what they would have wanted it to be, and some are going to be just plain useless, and not always something the giver could have anticipated, but sometimes it's just plain a bad choice on the giver's part. Accept graciously, thank the giver, and then either put it aside or exchange it for something else. Good lessons to be learned here.

Gosh - how not surprising - mini fridges, chosen by an alkie. Part of adulthood is being able to guess what the other person might want. My mother never could do that, she always gave us what she wanted even when it had nothing to do with who we were. Just could not project herself into another person's head. Sounds like your exAH is the same way, and there's nothing you can do or should try to do about that, except be prepared ahead of time so you're not caught off guard by something like mini fridges for young teens with no space or electrical outlets. Who, by the way, is going to be paying the electrical bill for these fridges??

prodigal

Ah, 'shroom ... right on the button. I've gotten things that are so unlike me that from my AH that they're downright WEIRD - like, WHO WAS HE THINKING ABOUT WHEN HE BOUGHT THIS "THING" FOR ME???

I think active A's are so out-of-touch with their family and friends - even though they may not do it out of malicious intent - that they just buy things for us they believe we would want.

Jeesh .... I do not even want to begin to imagine what is wrapped in the boxes under the tree! Sad, but true ....