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I left my alcoholic boyfriend

Old 12-23-2007, 07:36 AM
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Smile I left my alcoholic boyfriend

I left him a month ago and I'm pretty relieved. However, I keep having a nagging feeling I'll never meet anyone again. I'm decent looking, have a good career, but I am 44 and I feel like my age really decreases my chances of finding a good partner.

I was a member of Al-Anon 10 years ago, but unfortunately stopped going to meetings. When I was with my alcoholic boyfriend, he was drinking at least a 12 pack of beer a night when we'd go out on weekends. He said it was no big deal because it wasn't hard liquor. He also spent a lot of time bitching about his ex-wife and I had a feeling he'd be bitching about me in the near future. I kept feeling like I wanted to stay with him because I couldn't find anyone better. I'm a member of overeaters anonymous and my sponsor pointed out that if I was hanging onto him for that very reason, I didn't love him. Just wanted to share my story and hope to start attending face-to-face Al-Anon meetings again. This is a wonderful message board. Happy Holidays!
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Old 12-23-2007, 07:49 AM
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Welcome M in SF
I feel pretty much the same way, but I'm starting to believe
that there is something better out there and its just a matter of time
before she appears. But it is a little tough this time of year.
HANG IN THERE.:ghug3
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Old 12-23-2007, 09:46 AM
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M in SF! Welcome! I agree with GP and I really and truly know that when I am ready for him....he will present himself. I have picked "low hanging fruit" in the past and want to make sure I climb to the top of the tree for the next one (HA!). I want to make sure I am good and ready and I don't want to force anything.

Don't worry about your age...lord...you have only just begun! It is just a number! Be grateful for today and that you are not where you were a month ago! I am glad you posted...see you around and Happy Holidays!
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by M_in_SF View Post
I left him a month ago and I'm pretty relieved.
Hi M:

It sounds like you made a good choice.

Originally Posted by M_in_SF View Post
However, I keep having a nagging feeling I'll never meet anyone again. I'm decent looking, have a good career, but I am 44 and I feel like my age really decreases my chances of finding a good partner.
Look at it this way: if you were to have stayed with him, you would have only gotten older and then it would have been even that much harder to find a partner. You got out while you were still young (44 isn't old), you are decent looking, and you have a good career. How many women are 44, getting a divorce, have 3 or 4 kids to support, minimal education, and no good job? You are not starting out from the bottom of the barrel here.

Originally Posted by M_in_SF View Post
I was a member of Al-Anon 10 years ago, but unfortunately stopped going to meetings. When I was with my alcoholic boyfriend, he was drinking at least a 12 pack of beer a night when we'd go out on weekends. He said it was no big deal because it wasn't hard liquor. He also spent a lot of time bitching about his ex-wife
It sounds like he was also codependent (addicted to his ex-wife). I bet he was looking for sympathy from you because of what he went through with his bitchy ex-wife? Poor baby.

Originally Posted by M_in_SF View Post
and I had a feeling he'd be bitching about me in the near future.
You got it.

Originally Posted by M_in_SF View Post
I kept feeling like I wanted to stay with him because I couldn't find anyone better.
You wouldn't say, "I feel like I want to eat". You would just say, "I want to eat". Now, let's cut out the "I kept feeling like" and see what we have. We are left with, "I wanted to stay with him because I couldn't find anyone better". Holy cow, is that a true statement? Ah, there is nothing like truth and honesty, huh? Let's change the statement so it's at least a true statement. Therefore, we have, "I wanted to stay with him because I believed I couldn't find anyone better? The question is do you still believe that?
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Old 12-23-2007, 08:18 PM
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Congratulations on leaving your AB. You've done a very brave and healthy thing. 44?? Gimme a break! You could be 54, or 64 and still be tied down to an alcoholic. Whatever your age, once you make that break, you have your whole life ahead of you. Carpe diem and Merry Christmas!!!
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Old 12-24-2007, 05:16 AM
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M in SF, heck you're still young! At least from my perspective. I'm almost 53.

Sure its daunting to be on your own. But, embrace yourself and find out who you are now. If you want another relationship in the future, you will find one. And if you keep moving toward understanding yourself, this time its much more likely to be a good, healthy relationship. That is what I am doing.

And remember there is a big difference between being on one's own and being alone. No one needs a BF/GF/spouse to be a complete person.
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Old 12-26-2007, 07:03 AM
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I spent a lot of my downtime the last few days reading messages on this board. The more I read, the more I realized I made the right decision. It would have been so easy for me to only remember the good times and quickly forget his drinking and his crazy rants because I'm lonely and want a partner. I'm really grateful to be able to read your ESH.
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Old 12-26-2007, 07:12 AM
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I have found that writing down all the incidents and feelings that lead me to leave my STBXAH helps me to not forget and waiver into the realm of thoughts of "it wasn't that bad."
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Old 12-26-2007, 07:42 AM
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Boy do I need this thread right now. I'm feeling the same and thinking "well, I had my shot and I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life." Or I think "nobody's perfect, why weren't you more tolerant?" Then I think about all the rotten things R did, and I scratch that one. But at 44, the pickings are a lot slimmer than they were at 24. It seems like the "good ones" are married, and there's a reason why there are some on the shelf. It's these doggone Holidays bringing me down, I just know it!
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:08 AM
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My experience about the "age thing" comes from my Mom. She is 94 and has outlived _three_ husbands. Don't you ever tell her she's a widow cuz she'll get in your face and tell you she is _single_, and has _two_ boyfriends to prove it.

Homer and Conrad. Each one over 100, they hold hands in the halway of their retirement home. So far, neither one of 'em knows about the other one, and if you saw the three ring circus mom goes thru to keep it that way you'd think it's some kinda TV sitcom. What I'm afraid of is Mom might just like it too much and try and do the "commune" thing like from back in the hippie days. Now _that_ would flip all the circuit breakers in my head *lol*

Mike
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:12 AM
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LOL Thank you so much for that DesertEyes! What a great reminder that age doesn't matter.
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:45 AM
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I Love everytime Mike speaks of his Mom! It is awesome!

Age is a number.....and I truly believe in this-

I lived with an A that pretty much sounds like the one that you just left-every night drinking scotch-(told me one) but it was one when I was in the bathroom, one when I was outside with the dogs, one when I was in the bath, etc...you get the point. And almost everyday I too had to listen about the X-wife and he would call her or she him....:crazy:

Glad that you are attending Al-Anon meetings again they work if you work the program just like anything else in life-

I took the focus off of "wanting to not be alone" and placed the focus on me for awhile and wow what I found that I needed to do for me! Glad that I did and so happy for the new changes in my life everyday!

There is someone out there for everyone-IMHO I enjoyed the time to myself it has made relationships with other much stronger and HAPPIER!

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