I Have Had Enough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
I Have Had Enough
Without going into too much detail, I have watched my mother function pretty much as a SERIOUSLY enabling codependent for most of my 41-year old alcoholic brother's life. He wrecks cars while driving drunk, she buys him new ones. He gets fines and court costs for DUI's, she pays the lawyers and the fines. He needs cigarettes and minutes for his phone- she can't run to Walmart fast enough. I don't think he ever gets a bill that he has to pay himself. You get the idea.
Two years ago he wrecked his car while driving drunk and she bought him another one the next day WITH HER CREDIT CARD!!! I went sort of ballistic on her and my relationship with my mother has never been the same since then.
Last year, my mother got a decent inheritance after the death of my grandmother, and I just recently found out that she wiped herself out financially buying him a house to live in. When she passes away, the house is his.
I am stunned. I am devastated. I worked like a dog to help her take care of the details of estate and clean out that house while he did NOTHING but cause problems, and she rewards him like this? I didn't expect her to give me a dime (I got my own inheritance) but I sure never expected her to wipe herself out for a falling down drunken loser who never lifted a finger to help in ANY way while my grandmother was alive or after her death.
What the heck is WRONG with her? Why would she DO this to herself? Her house needs so much remodeling done, and she just GAVE all this money away to someone who is just intent on bleeding her dry!
She said "I have to keep trying" and I replied "Yeah, like everything you have done up until now has helped SOOO much." He is a drunken, manipulative tantrum-throwing horse's arse and he always will be.
I believe I have had enough. I don't care if I ever talk to her again, and quite frankly, I think for the sake of my mental health that I really need to take a break from this situation.
I am interested to hear from anyone who has gone through this and what they have done to cope. It feels odd to me, but I am strangely relieved to have finally drawn a line in the sand!
Two years ago he wrecked his car while driving drunk and she bought him another one the next day WITH HER CREDIT CARD!!! I went sort of ballistic on her and my relationship with my mother has never been the same since then.
Last year, my mother got a decent inheritance after the death of my grandmother, and I just recently found out that she wiped herself out financially buying him a house to live in. When she passes away, the house is his.
I am stunned. I am devastated. I worked like a dog to help her take care of the details of estate and clean out that house while he did NOTHING but cause problems, and she rewards him like this? I didn't expect her to give me a dime (I got my own inheritance) but I sure never expected her to wipe herself out for a falling down drunken loser who never lifted a finger to help in ANY way while my grandmother was alive or after her death.
What the heck is WRONG with her? Why would she DO this to herself? Her house needs so much remodeling done, and she just GAVE all this money away to someone who is just intent on bleeding her dry!
She said "I have to keep trying" and I replied "Yeah, like everything you have done up until now has helped SOOO much." He is a drunken, manipulative tantrum-throwing horse's arse and he always will be.
I believe I have had enough. I don't care if I ever talk to her again, and quite frankly, I think for the sake of my mental health that I really need to take a break from this situation.
I am interested to hear from anyone who has gone through this and what they have done to cope. It feels odd to me, but I am strangely relieved to have finally drawn a line in the sand!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Oh, geez, what a situation! Like you said, this is codependence at its worst. Unfortunatley, some people never recover from it. She probably feels that because she is his mother, it is her god given responsibility to protect and provide, despite the fact tha he is 41. It is sad, sad, sad. I am very sorry you have to watch this happen, but there is really not much you can do until she has an aha moment of her own.
What a complete waste of your grandmother's money! Geez...
What a complete waste of your grandmother's money! Geez...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Again I find myself on the other side of the street from you but perhaps my perspective can help you.
I am that co-dependent mother who bailed her son out of every mess he made (and boy did he make some messes!). I read posts like yours and it brings home how painful it was for my daughter and husband to watch helplessly while I did these things. Sometimes I would even stoop to making them feel guilty for not helping me help him! Double whammy!
I had to reach my point of "I can't deal with this anymore" with my A son. There were no words that my husband or daughter could say to me that would make me "see the light". We were all totally entangled in the storm that surrounds an alcoholic.....me most of all.
Removing yourself from the storm is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and for your mother. The thought of sacrificing the relationship with my daughter in order to "save" my son is terrifying--I risk losing them both. A mother recognizes that she is losing the battle with one child (the alcoholic). If she is risking the loss of the relationship with another child......that may be her wake up call.
BUT the best reason in the world for you to pull yourself out of the storm is for YOU. Not for anyone else. Just you.
gentle hugs to you. Posts like these are reminders for me of how co-dependency can hurt others......almost as bad as alcoholism.
I am that co-dependent mother who bailed her son out of every mess he made (and boy did he make some messes!). I read posts like yours and it brings home how painful it was for my daughter and husband to watch helplessly while I did these things. Sometimes I would even stoop to making them feel guilty for not helping me help him! Double whammy!
I had to reach my point of "I can't deal with this anymore" with my A son. There were no words that my husband or daughter could say to me that would make me "see the light". We were all totally entangled in the storm that surrounds an alcoholic.....me most of all.
Removing yourself from the storm is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and for your mother. The thought of sacrificing the relationship with my daughter in order to "save" my son is terrifying--I risk losing them both. A mother recognizes that she is losing the battle with one child (the alcoholic). If she is risking the loss of the relationship with another child......that may be her wake up call.
BUT the best reason in the world for you to pull yourself out of the storm is for YOU. Not for anyone else. Just you.
gentle hugs to you. Posts like these are reminders for me of how co-dependency can hurt others......almost as bad as alcoholism.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome to Sr, shadowwood, glad you're here!
I found Al-Anon extremely helpful. It might help you address some of the issues, especially with witnessing your mom's actions.
The good news is you are sick and tired of participating.
I can't speak for your mom; I know when I was living with alcoholism and propping up the addict I had a firm belief that just the right kind of love, given in the right doses, would solve the problem.
Keep posting and take care.
I found Al-Anon extremely helpful. It might help you address some of the issues, especially with witnessing your mom's actions.
The good news is you are sick and tired of participating.
I can't speak for your mom; I know when I was living with alcoholism and propping up the addict I had a firm belief that just the right kind of love, given in the right doses, would solve the problem.
Keep posting and take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
What aggravates the crap out of me is that she actually brought up the idea of buying him a house in the summer before the estate was settled. I spent two hours talking to her about why that would be a bad idea, listening to her go "Yes, that's true." "You're right" "I Know" Blah blah BLECH. She knew in her mind the WHOLE TIME that she was going to do it no matter what I said. Talk about a bag-over-the-head punch in the gut.
It's a bad idea because:
1. My brother and physical exertion are not friends. As soon as he finds out that there is maintenance i.e. painting, repairs, lawn mowing, snow shoveling, he is going to be back on her doorstep where it's safe and he never has to think about anything.
2. Despite big promises from him of "I'll pay the utilities and taxes" he will do what he always does: Make a couple of attempts at paying and then that too will just end up on my mother's doorstep. I asked her if her income could handle paying two sets of utilities and taxes, and she admitted it would be a struggle. My question to her was "What if you have a health crisis?" I got the deer-in- the- headlights look. She is in her mid-60's and that is not an unreasonable question. Obviously none of that was given any thought.
He never has to feel any pain. He never has to work very hard for anything. He never has to solve any problems that may come his way. What the h3ll kind of an existence is THAT?
I'm sorry- I'm still so angry.
I keep trying to file this somewhere in my brain where it makes sense, and it just DOESN'T.
It's a bad idea because:
1. My brother and physical exertion are not friends. As soon as he finds out that there is maintenance i.e. painting, repairs, lawn mowing, snow shoveling, he is going to be back on her doorstep where it's safe and he never has to think about anything.
2. Despite big promises from him of "I'll pay the utilities and taxes" he will do what he always does: Make a couple of attempts at paying and then that too will just end up on my mother's doorstep. I asked her if her income could handle paying two sets of utilities and taxes, and she admitted it would be a struggle. My question to her was "What if you have a health crisis?" I got the deer-in- the- headlights look. She is in her mid-60's and that is not an unreasonable question. Obviously none of that was given any thought.
He never has to feel any pain. He never has to work very hard for anything. He never has to solve any problems that may come his way. What the h3ll kind of an existence is THAT?
I'm sorry- I'm still so angry.
I keep trying to file this somewhere in my brain where it makes sense, and it just DOESN'T.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by shadowwood 
I'm sorry- I'm still so angry. I keep trying to file this somewhere in my brain where it makes sense, and it just DOESN'T.
Don't apologize for being angry - the situation deserves it, in my opinion.
I exerted a lot of energy trying to get others to see their behavior, then figured out it was a good idea to turn that energy on me.
Good luck and keeping posting!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
now you see why it has been determined by medical professionals that alcoholism is a family disease. She is as addicted as he is. Him to alcohol, her to fixing, rescuing him.
My mother did the same to my sister....bought her everything that wasnt nailed down, gave her money monthly until she was 41. Only stopped cus she got ill and my brother took over her finances and said no more.
My sister is active addict (pot) and doesnt know what it means to be mature.
Perhaps some serious detachment from your mother, and her disease, is called for.....let go and let her do what she is doing, thats the only way we can live.
My mother did the same to my sister....bought her everything that wasnt nailed down, gave her money monthly until she was 41. Only stopped cus she got ill and my brother took over her finances and said no more.
My sister is active addict (pot) and doesnt know what it means to be mature.
Perhaps some serious detachment from your mother, and her disease, is called for.....let go and let her do what she is doing, thats the only way we can live.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Here is my opinion: I try to stay away from doubt and worry. Try to change the subject of your thinking if the topics are your mother + brother's relationship. You have learned that it is way too powerful for you to control. Our 1st step in Al-anon as in AA is to admit that we are powerless.
Your brother is destroying his own life, don't let him destroy yours with anger, resentments, etc. or destroy any relationship you could have w/ your mom. Maybe you will have to limit your time with her.
Maybe you will have to agree certain topics are off limits.
My mom (with other issues) use to frustrate the H--- out of me. Now I realize her thinking is Looping and I was just jumping in the loop and there would never be a resolution even if I suggested 1,000 dif ways to do something. I have chose not to "LOOP" with her. It is her life and I can not save her. If spending all her money on your brother makes your mom happy that is her choice. In the sick family disease of addiction, they need ea. other. Focus on having healthy relationships with other people and staying detached from the two of them. Besides your brother, what else do you and mom have in common to talk about?
Your brother is destroying his own life, don't let him destroy yours with anger, resentments, etc. or destroy any relationship you could have w/ your mom. Maybe you will have to limit your time with her.
Maybe you will have to agree certain topics are off limits.
My mom (with other issues) use to frustrate the H--- out of me. Now I realize her thinking is Looping and I was just jumping in the loop and there would never be a resolution even if I suggested 1,000 dif ways to do something. I have chose not to "LOOP" with her. It is her life and I can not save her. If spending all her money on your brother makes your mom happy that is her choice. In the sick family disease of addiction, they need ea. other. Focus on having healthy relationships with other people and staying detached from the two of them. Besides your brother, what else do you and mom have in common to talk about?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((shadowwood)))
It has to be really frustrating watching your mom and brother in their codie dance.
My stepmom is like your mom. She is guardian of my niece (my stepsister died in a car wreck when niece was 1). Although we don't have a problem with alcohol or addiction yet (I think), we certainly have the codie dance in our house. My niece cusses my stepmom out, calling her a "f'ing b***ch, says "f you" and other nice things...and she's 14 years old. She hates living in this house, so spends weeks at a time at her best friend's house....she is supposed to be homeschooled, but stepmom doesn't really have a clue how she's doing. Niece has admitted to smoking weed and drinking liquor "cause I don't like beer" but SAYS she's not doing it any more.
My point to this is, it used to drive me into a rage when my niece would act out. We would get into screaming matches because she could push all my buttons. I finally had to realize the 3 c's apply here - I didn't cause it, can't change it, and can't cure it. Now when they get into it, I go to my room, turn up my TV and drown them out. When my stepmom complains, I say "you let her do what she wants, say what she wants to say...why should she change". Her and my dad have never disciplined her and when they complain about how she acts, I just remind them that they brought all this on themselves.
I see this child headed to a really bad place...her grandfather was an alcoholic, her biological father is a crack addict, and every one of her aunts and uncles (including me, but I'm a step-aunt) have addiction problems. She's also watched my stepmom drown her troubles in a bottle of lortabs.
The thing is, I had to realize that I can't change things...I can't give her the discipline she needs. The best thing I can do, since I'm a recovering crack addict myself, is show her by example. If I allow myself to get wrapped up in their codie dance, I will lose myself.
You have every right to be angry....I know I was. But I finally got tired of being miserable in the house I live in and had to make changes. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "you know...this is between you and her...you 2 have to work it out" and walk away. They didn't like it at first, but it works.
Sorry this is so long....I hope you find a way to extract yourself from their drama.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It has to be really frustrating watching your mom and brother in their codie dance.
My stepmom is like your mom. She is guardian of my niece (my stepsister died in a car wreck when niece was 1). Although we don't have a problem with alcohol or addiction yet (I think), we certainly have the codie dance in our house. My niece cusses my stepmom out, calling her a "f'ing b***ch, says "f you" and other nice things...and she's 14 years old. She hates living in this house, so spends weeks at a time at her best friend's house....she is supposed to be homeschooled, but stepmom doesn't really have a clue how she's doing. Niece has admitted to smoking weed and drinking liquor "cause I don't like beer" but SAYS she's not doing it any more.
My point to this is, it used to drive me into a rage when my niece would act out. We would get into screaming matches because she could push all my buttons. I finally had to realize the 3 c's apply here - I didn't cause it, can't change it, and can't cure it. Now when they get into it, I go to my room, turn up my TV and drown them out. When my stepmom complains, I say "you let her do what she wants, say what she wants to say...why should she change". Her and my dad have never disciplined her and when they complain about how she acts, I just remind them that they brought all this on themselves.
I see this child headed to a really bad place...her grandfather was an alcoholic, her biological father is a crack addict, and every one of her aunts and uncles (including me, but I'm a step-aunt) have addiction problems. She's also watched my stepmom drown her troubles in a bottle of lortabs.
The thing is, I had to realize that I can't change things...I can't give her the discipline she needs. The best thing I can do, since I'm a recovering crack addict myself, is show her by example. If I allow myself to get wrapped up in their codie dance, I will lose myself.
You have every right to be angry....I know I was. But I finally got tired of being miserable in the house I live in and had to make changes. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "you know...this is between you and her...you 2 have to work it out" and walk away. They didn't like it at first, but it works.
Sorry this is so long....I hope you find a way to extract yourself from their drama.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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shadow, I understand your frustration and anger over this. Life frequently is NOT fair. I mean, here is your brother who is getting a free ride. The tragedy is his free ride is a ride to virtual extinction. At this point, he is locked securely in the role of being your mother's child forever. From what you've posted, I assume he has never been married or raised a family of his own.
My feeling is you're getting angry because what your mother is doing is downright dumb. She's aiding and abetting an addict to continue in the addiction. On the other hand, she is every bit as sick as your brother. She can no more stop her rescuing than he can stop being an addict. Each one of them have to want, for themselves alone, to stop the insanity.
Your mother is perfectly aware of your opinions on this matter. As you can see, reasoning with her does no good and has no influence whatsoever. I can only say that I'd detach and practice "Let Go and Let God." Not an easy task, but I've watched my AH get away with stuff at his job that would have gotten me fired and on a one-way boat to Permanent-Unemploymentville long ago. I've seen bosses enable him by letting some pretty outrageous stuff slide, move him into a position with less public exposure, and finally move us out into some hick town in the desert.
Go figure. I finally quit getting ticked off at what appears to be blatantly unfair. It's not my side of the street. I don't own the addiction. And I certainly won't be the one who pays the consequences when the house of cards comes tumbling down. And believe me - eventually, it does.
My feeling is you're getting angry because what your mother is doing is downright dumb. She's aiding and abetting an addict to continue in the addiction. On the other hand, she is every bit as sick as your brother. She can no more stop her rescuing than he can stop being an addict. Each one of them have to want, for themselves alone, to stop the insanity.
Your mother is perfectly aware of your opinions on this matter. As you can see, reasoning with her does no good and has no influence whatsoever. I can only say that I'd detach and practice "Let Go and Let God." Not an easy task, but I've watched my AH get away with stuff at his job that would have gotten me fired and on a one-way boat to Permanent-Unemploymentville long ago. I've seen bosses enable him by letting some pretty outrageous stuff slide, move him into a position with less public exposure, and finally move us out into some hick town in the desert.
Go figure. I finally quit getting ticked off at what appears to be blatantly unfair. It's not my side of the street. I don't own the addiction. And I certainly won't be the one who pays the consequences when the house of cards comes tumbling down. And believe me - eventually, it does.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Well, I had a very nice night of introspection and reflection in front of the Christmas tree, and I believe I can be very zen about all this. You have all given very good advice. Miss Pink, I do believe that she is as addicted to fixing him as he is to alcohol and for some reason, that takes a bit of the pressure off.
Do my mother and I have any thing else to talk about other than my brother? I don't know-- our relationship took a serious hit with the "car on the credit card" incident, and I sort of closed myself off after that. Actually, after thinking about it lastnight, I don't think my mother is really all that interested in me. I think because I am the "good child" and the reliable one, I am convenient to have around, but that's as far as it goes. I'm okay with that.
My brother has had relationships, but as he got deeper into alcohol, the women all seemed to get more screwy, as did he. He was married once, and has a pre-teen daughter. He is a verbally and physically abusive drunk, so nothing has ever lasted for very long. It's sort of ironic that he has never hit my mother, isn't it? (Although she did have to show up at my house in her bare feet and housecoat one cold and snowy January night because he was having a tantrum.)
I'm good. I actually feel relieved. I believe I may have been the third leg in a dysfuntional family tripod, and it's time to withdraw. I have better things to do.
Do my mother and I have any thing else to talk about other than my brother? I don't know-- our relationship took a serious hit with the "car on the credit card" incident, and I sort of closed myself off after that. Actually, after thinking about it lastnight, I don't think my mother is really all that interested in me. I think because I am the "good child" and the reliable one, I am convenient to have around, but that's as far as it goes. I'm okay with that.
My brother has had relationships, but as he got deeper into alcohol, the women all seemed to get more screwy, as did he. He was married once, and has a pre-teen daughter. He is a verbally and physically abusive drunk, so nothing has ever lasted for very long. It's sort of ironic that he has never hit my mother, isn't it? (Although she did have to show up at my house in her bare feet and housecoat one cold and snowy January night because he was having a tantrum.)
I'm good. I actually feel relieved. I believe I may have been the third leg in a dysfuntional family tripod, and it's time to withdraw. I have better things to do.
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