cagefree

Well my bro, sis-in-law, neice and nephew will be visiting from far away and the whole family will be together for x-mas...a whole bunch of codies in one room with one in recovery (me) and I'm starting to feel the anxiety of the proverbial noose around my neck.

I've changed - a lot. Codie-Recovery in action.

Will they accept me, will they hate me? I've always been the comedian who kept my parents laughing instead of fighting during the holidays, put up with my brother's constant ignoring of his beautiful and cute kids and my sis-in-laws put downs of how "You're going to hell because you're not religious, bare-foot and pregnant" speeches...

My parents have experienced the new me already and my mom has been difficult - my dad much better, but the dynamics of everyone feeding off of codie behaviours of each other is making me tremble. I'm going to be putting into practice everything I've worked hard to change about myself and am feeling a bit of stage-fright.

The countdown has begun...take a deep breath...here I go...

Can anyone relate?

mike_mass

Ok, you've made your parents laugh in the past and have tolerated less-than-desirable behavior from other family members. These are the signs of a compassionate person and a peace-maker. Now that you are sober you can expand upon these virtues. Unless you are being directly bullied I would not see a reason to change.:bounce

Barbara52

Its not easy trying to behave in a healthy manner amongst a family of unhealthy people.

Are any of them staying in your home? If not, well, you do have the option of cutting the "festivities" short if they get to the point where you are uncomfortable. If they are, you can set your boundaries with the guests in your home and decide what you are willing to do if your boundaries are violated.

I have in the past left family gatherings when things got too toxic for me to tolerate. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing for me to do.

LostSister

Good luck Cagefree! I agree with Mike_Mass that your behaviour your describes sounds like that of a compassionate, peace-maker, something to be nurtured.

I'm afraid I don't have any personal experience on this matter like yours. Although I can relate to having concerns about Christmas. My sister is an alcoholic and because my parents can no longer see her drink, she has to cut every family evening short so she can get home and drink all by herself. This breaks my heart for her, but it also breaks my heart to see my parents suffer when she gets drunk in their company as she usually gets very agressive and defensive and it all ends up in arguments.

I'll be thinking of you and your situation over Christmas. The one thing I can say, is that they often say that what you believe will happen (rightly or wrongly) will more often than not become your reality. So try to go in to this Christmas with positive expectations about how positively they will respond to the changes they see in you.

In the past, I have often found that positive visualisation can help alot before going in to a potentially difficult or stressful situation. Close your eyes and play mental movies to yourself (in full coulour, with your favourite happy music playing in the background) picture the get together as YOU want it...for example, picture yourself feeling relaxed and accepted for the new you, feeling relaxed about being yourself and see yourself being accepted by your family. Picture how you will continue to feel strong, proud and postive even if they don't make things easy for you straight away.

If you go in to this saying 'this WILL be good', with an expectation of having a good time with your family, and being able to be accepted for who you are, there's a much higher chance you will.

I look forward to hearing about how you get on. Merry Christmas.

Warm wishes,

Lost Sister

cagefree

Just to clarify - I'm recovering from Codependence, not Alcoholism...but for the most part recovery is recovery and that's why we're here

Some of those around me have opened up to and embraced the new me - the one who takes care of herself instead of nuturing another at the cost of herself. I've also lost friends who have told me I've "abandoned" them because I no longer make myself sick doing for them and not for myself. So be it.

My therapist once told me that sick codependents swing way to the side of others, in an unhealthy way. When they start to recover, it's common and natural for them to swing the other way - way the other way. Currently I like to think I'm in the middle, but have a tendency to feel that the middle is too far towards myself. Re-reading Codependent no more, language of letting go and ODAT helps me to get my "nurturing side" in check.

If my parents want to fight - I'll let them. I'm going to hold my boundaries, I will remove myself from the situation. I know what I have to do and have been doing it with my parents for quite some time...

I'm nervous about the rest of my family, who has yet to see this part of me and I'm scared. I'm scared of how they will react, scared of failing and being disappointed in myself and the hard work that might not work. I'm letting go of what they want and and choosing to be what I want.

Change is NOT comfortable, it's scary for me...at least in the beginning.

LostSister

Thanks for taking time to clarify. I'm not familiar with codependency but like you say 'recovery is recovery' and it sounds like you have already done so well.

You sound like such a wonderful person. If people can't manage to accept the new you then it'll be their loss not yours.

Good luck with Christmas!


Lost Sister

GiveLove

cagefree,

I am facing the same kind of Christmas, only I am a guest in the house of someone else. I have steadily grown over the years, but they have not. So each year, I know they think I'm a little more weird. It's so hard to do, but I have to try to be okay with that. I wouldn't want their life. They wouldn't want mine. That has to be okay.

The last time around, I accidentally found a helpful solution. I was in the kitchen trying to help out, and they started one of their useless, ridiculous fights over nothing. I was pretty fed up at that point, so I found my mouth saying, "Oh...is it time for a fight already? Gosh, how time flies. Well, I'd better leave you two to have at it."

Since then, I have experimented with being overly-honest like that. "Wait...did I just make you uncomfortable? I really didn't mean to." "I have something I want to talk about, but I'm so scared to bring it up with you." "Gosh...I'm not good at gossip...does anyone need anything from the kitchen?" etc. It kinda works, and is true to myself and my own growth.

Happy holidays, cagefree. We'll do okay, right?

cagefree

I'm mostly there with the honest, bold statements, but trying to tone it down to statements like the ones you mentioned below, which bring about better consequences.

I feel like I'm learning to argue and disagree in a fair manner, an adult manner. I feel as though I used to fight from the eyes of a victim. Now, I don't think like a victim and no longer have the "victim" mentality - which changes my perspective 180 deg.

Thanks Givelove - I really got a lot from your post. Your confidence inspires me! Yes, we'll do okay. I'm starting to calm down now

mike_mass

Sorry, I assumed you were a recovering alkie. Disregard what I suggested, I don't have a clue about recovery from co-dependence (although maybe I should :ghug3)

Rella927

Sweet cage... it is NORMAL to feel scared imagine that NORMAL! You have said a lot here and I truly believe that you will be ok with everything-I have found that when I'm on the phone with my mom these days or anyone that If I close my eyes and surround myself with white light it actually works! It keeps me in check with myself and know that what I have done for myself in recovery this far (Codie in action too ) that it is ok for them to continue their unhealthy ways I just do not have to engage in it and if they do not like the new me then that is their issue not mine-

I do know what you mean about Christmas and the "unhealthy" parts of our family joining forces and being my sister, one brother and I the only pretty much healthy ones amongst everyone-can be draining-I no longer go down South for Christmas but once every few years now- (that will be next year) and I have done the one on one with my step Dad and Mom and let me just tell you thank God that I can drive their car when I'm down there! As I recovery more ......I find more and more the parts that I contributed to relationships with everyone but I also see how others have too. I love my family and I'm finding new ways everyday in recovery to help myself be around with them with love and not anger-I'm a work in progress and I love the saying as I repeat it often to myself PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION! This holds true with all of us codies that are in recovery!

-Cage if you feel that you are at a point that you cannot handle anyone or anything in the room-go to your room and pick up one of those books if you need too- then go back-You sound great and sound as if you will have no problem getting through this day! Keep the faith it will work out...just remember YOU!

lilac

This little codie says " Breathe in , Breathe out"........It will be okay. If you are able to exit the "festivities" early, do it. Don't feel guilty. It feels weird, I know.

Until I came to this forum, I had no clue that all of my relationships were codependent........

Good luck to you.

cagefree

Ditto on that!

Rella - luv the "White light" visualization. Something soothing and calming. Now that my life is less chaotic due to my recent changes this year, I'm noticing that my anxiety is still at a higher level than I am comfortable with. Imagining being immersed in a soothing white light is very inviting as a calming technique and I will be using that one!

:ghug3 back at you Mike - Recovery is hard - period...regardless of what you're recovering from

reader

I understand u perfectly...When my grandmother who was more of a mother to me was alive she called me the peacemaker for always trying to keep the holidays stress free for her. It was exhausting.. When she died I wrote a letter to both my aunt & uncle telling them just what smucks they were for making me shoulder all my grandmothers care. I was adamant that she not linger in a nursing home so I cared for her at home for many years. They always took me for granted. So, I let them have it full throttle knowing full well that my actions would end all contact. My holidays are much more peaceful surrounded by people I respect and that care for me. I would suggest to everybody to purge toxic people from your lives. I am living my life with sincerity now and it does feel good.....