Can u let them reach rock bottom when there are children involved?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by LostSister 
I spoke with my Mum and brother (who still lives at home) and we all agreed that the boys needed to live with my parents as much as possible.
As for telling the boys about my sister's illness, my family is worried that the boys would talk to the school and that this may mean losing the boys to social services. What do you think? Would social services automatically give the boys to my parents or their father, or would they put them in foster care? I believe that social services would give priority to a loving family relationship rather than put the boys in foster care, what do you think?
Lost Sister
As for telling the boys about my sister's illness, my family is worried that the boys would talk to the school and that this may mean losing the boys to social services. What do you think? Would social services automatically give the boys to my parents or their father, or would they put them in foster care? I believe that social services would give priority to a loving family relationship rather than put the boys in foster care, what do you think?
Lost Sister
How social services operate depends a lot on the country involved. I can give you a personal example from the UK; I contacted social services via the NSPCC about 9 months ago due to my XAGF repeatedly drinking herself unconscious while our children were in her "care". Social services started off fairly softly-softly but, as XAGF continued drinking, within a few months they put the children on the Child Protection Register and placed the children with me full-time. The social services case is still on-going as their mum is still regularly relapsing. I do know that, in the UK at least, the law underlying social services' operations insists that children are placed with close family unless there are compelling reasons not to. Grandparents definitely count and particularly in a situation such as this where the grandparents are doing a lot of the day-to-day care anyway.
It is quite likely that the school already suspect something is up. During the social services investigation it came out that my (then) 8yo son had been seen play-acting "drunk" in the playground. There were several other disturbing behaviours that came out, too. Thankfully, the children have settled down immensely since they've been living with me all the time.
I definitely agree that it is vitally important that someone talks to the children about this. They must have seen some very scary things. More crucially, they need to be told that their mother's problems aren't their fault and that the way she treats them is more to do with her problems rather than anything to do with them. The wildly inconsistent way my kids were treated by their mother made them think it was something they were doing wrong.
I hope you can find some way to help these children get the support and consistency they so desperately need.
Mr B.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It never ceases to amaze that adults think children aren't aware of what's going on within their own family. Children are so aware and they see and hear and feel everything around them...even when it seems like they are in bed they are aware of what's going on. When they wake up to a drunk, passed out or, hungover parent they see that too. Of course they are affected by a mother who is a drunk.
I have found in my dealings with alcoholics and addicts that what looks like the bottom to me is often far from being the bottom to them. Sometimes the bottom is the finality of death. Many families are put in terrible situations hoping for the best to happen. Often the family has to reach a bottom with their enabling for any change to happen.
I hope and pray that someone in your family will reach a bottom soon.
I have found in my dealings with alcoholics and addicts that what looks like the bottom to me is often far from being the bottom to them. Sometimes the bottom is the finality of death. Many families are put in terrible situations hoping for the best to happen. Often the family has to reach a bottom with their enabling for any change to happen.
I hope and pray that someone in your family will reach a bottom soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Mr B, thanks for your kind words and sharing your own situation, this is SO VERY useful. The UK does apply for us, so this is really helpful stuff.
My Mum's assumption was that Social Services would always put the children in to an emergency foster family whilst assessing the situation, but if there's a chance the boys could stay with my parents where they are very happy this would be great news.
I'm glad to hear your sons are doing well with you!
Barbara52 is right that is would be useful to contact a professional and get some advice. I'm thinking of contacting Social Services and getting some 'anonymous' advice for the time being.
As for talking to the kids, you've confirmed my gut feeling that there should be some open discussions with them. My family was against the idea, but I'm going to perservere with this one. I'm sure I can get them to understand how important it is and that it's the right thing to do at this stage.
As for Splendras wishes, it's hard to think about it, but they are right, someone needs to hit a bottom soon before things can change for the better. It just scares me to wonder what that bottom might have to be. I don't want to have to lose my Sister!
As a side note, my sister was in hospital this weekend with a dislocated elbow after falling over (whilst drunk, of course). She couldn't go to work, her boss was furious and she may lose her job, which means she'll have finacial problems re mortgage payments...could this be the bottom in sight?
What I have learnt since joining this forum, amongst other things, is the importance of looking after n°1 and not letting yourself be dragged down emotionally. I'm doing OK, but I do worry about my Mum who has so much on her plate at the moment. I wish I didn't live 12000 miles away so I could go give her a hand. I'm going to send her a copy of Mr B's response as I think this will lift her spririts alot. Thanks again Mr B.
Lost Sister
My Mum's assumption was that Social Services would always put the children in to an emergency foster family whilst assessing the situation, but if there's a chance the boys could stay with my parents where they are very happy this would be great news.
I'm glad to hear your sons are doing well with you!
Barbara52 is right that is would be useful to contact a professional and get some advice. I'm thinking of contacting Social Services and getting some 'anonymous' advice for the time being.
As for talking to the kids, you've confirmed my gut feeling that there should be some open discussions with them. My family was against the idea, but I'm going to perservere with this one. I'm sure I can get them to understand how important it is and that it's the right thing to do at this stage.
As for Splendras wishes, it's hard to think about it, but they are right, someone needs to hit a bottom soon before things can change for the better. It just scares me to wonder what that bottom might have to be. I don't want to have to lose my Sister!
As a side note, my sister was in hospital this weekend with a dislocated elbow after falling over (whilst drunk, of course). She couldn't go to work, her boss was furious and she may lose her job, which means she'll have finacial problems re mortgage payments...could this be the bottom in sight?
What I have learnt since joining this forum, amongst other things, is the importance of looking after n°1 and not letting yourself be dragged down emotionally. I'm doing OK, but I do worry about my Mum who has so much on her plate at the moment. I wish I didn't live 12000 miles away so I could go give her a hand. I'm going to send her a copy of Mr B's response as I think this will lift her spririts alot. Thanks again Mr B.
Lost Sister
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Glad to hear that you are doing okay, LostSister. Would your mum be open to reading the SR (if you are ok with her probably assuming your identity, thus a loss of anonymity) forums? It may help your cause in getting discussions going with your family's blessing in order to talk with your sister's kids (about their mother's alcoholism) without causing a massive family squabble over it...?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
LostSister, as it's the UK then I would suggest first contacting the NSPCC. They've got a telephone helpline on 0808 500 8000. I phoned them first and ended up talking with an immensely helpful person for an hour. At the end she asked if I would agree for her to refer it to social services. The NSPCC works quite closely with social services but won't make a referral by themselves unless there's an imminent risk of serious harm.
Social services generally only make emergency foster care placements in really dire situations, where serious sexual and/or physical abuse has occurred. As much as possible they avoid doing that, though, as it's very expensive and they it know can cause as many problems as it solves.
In my case, from the time the NSPCC made the first referral I think social services had two weeks to make an initial report which concluded - after talking with me, XAGF, and the kids - that there was, indeed, a problem. While this was going on the kids were spending alternating weeks with me and their mum (this was the informal residency agreement we'd been following). This was to be followed up a month or so later with a more detailed report.
That report was late and, by the time it had been completed, XAGF had drunk herself unconscious again and I'd got another "Daddy, we can't wake mummy up" call. When I told the social worker about that, within a few hours she called me back and said that a Section 47 case had been started, that the children were to live with me full-time until further notice (if I'd refused, then the kids would've likely been put into care temporarily while they checked out the wider family), and that a Child Protection Conference would be called a few weeks later to decide whether the children should be placed on the Child Protection Register. I was the obvious choice for placement of the children as, not just because I'm their father but also because I'd been heavily involved in their day-to-day care and so it would be less disruptive to the children.
It's not been easy, I'll have to admit that. Although social services is happy with how I'm looking after the kids and I'm happy with our current social worker, it is nevertheless an intrusive thing and the first case conference was nerve-wracking. But it has definitely been good for my kids and the difference in how they are now, compared to how they were a year ago, really brings home to me how much they were being affected by their mum's drinking.
Hope this helps,
Mr B.
Social services generally only make emergency foster care placements in really dire situations, where serious sexual and/or physical abuse has occurred. As much as possible they avoid doing that, though, as it's very expensive and they it know can cause as many problems as it solves.
In my case, from the time the NSPCC made the first referral I think social services had two weeks to make an initial report which concluded - after talking with me, XAGF, and the kids - that there was, indeed, a problem. While this was going on the kids were spending alternating weeks with me and their mum (this was the informal residency agreement we'd been following). This was to be followed up a month or so later with a more detailed report.
That report was late and, by the time it had been completed, XAGF had drunk herself unconscious again and I'd got another "Daddy, we can't wake mummy up" call. When I told the social worker about that, within a few hours she called me back and said that a Section 47 case had been started, that the children were to live with me full-time until further notice (if I'd refused, then the kids would've likely been put into care temporarily while they checked out the wider family), and that a Child Protection Conference would be called a few weeks later to decide whether the children should be placed on the Child Protection Register. I was the obvious choice for placement of the children as, not just because I'm their father but also because I'd been heavily involved in their day-to-day care and so it would be less disruptive to the children.
It's not been easy, I'll have to admit that. Although social services is happy with how I'm looking after the kids and I'm happy with our current social worker, it is nevertheless an intrusive thing and the first case conference was nerve-wracking. But it has definitely been good for my kids and the difference in how they are now, compared to how they were a year ago, really brings home to me how much they were being affected by their mum's drinking.
Hope this helps,
Mr B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Hi TryingtoHeal, good to hear from you. It's a good suggestion. I'm definitely going to be sending my Mum some 'snippets' from some of the responses I have received as they have been so helpful to me and I think they will help my Mum and other members of my family.
The only thing about her seeing all of my posts on the SR forums is the fact that I mention being the only one in the family to know about a traumatic event that happened to my sister when she was just 14 (I only found out years later) and this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back for my Mum and I don't think at this stage it would help my Sister in any way.
I'm so glad I found 'this place' (SR forums), well it's not about the forum really, it's about the people in it, and only today I was telling a work colleague about all you guys, the responses I have had, what I've learnt and how much it has helped to have a place to talk to people who understand and have 'been there' in some way or another.
It turns out that her Mother was an alcoholic and she has been dealing with her mother's alcoholism since she found out at the age of 14 (she's now in her 40's). She said that she was the only one to speak up about her Mum's problem and that it was and always has been totally taboo in her family. I realise I am lucky in that within my family we are all able to talk about my Sister's situation and to be there for one another, which is very lucky.
I start 2008 with a new set of 'realistic hopes' and a feeling that I'll be able to stay strong for myself, my family and my Sister when she's ready for help. This change towards a more positive attitude was kick-started the day I posted on this forum.
I thank you all.
Lost Sister
The only thing about her seeing all of my posts on the SR forums is the fact that I mention being the only one in the family to know about a traumatic event that happened to my sister when she was just 14 (I only found out years later) and this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back for my Mum and I don't think at this stage it would help my Sister in any way.
I'm so glad I found 'this place' (SR forums), well it's not about the forum really, it's about the people in it, and only today I was telling a work colleague about all you guys, the responses I have had, what I've learnt and how much it has helped to have a place to talk to people who understand and have 'been there' in some way or another.
It turns out that her Mother was an alcoholic and she has been dealing with her mother's alcoholism since she found out at the age of 14 (she's now in her 40's). She said that she was the only one to speak up about her Mum's problem and that it was and always has been totally taboo in her family. I realise I am lucky in that within my family we are all able to talk about my Sister's situation and to be there for one another, which is very lucky.
I start 2008 with a new set of 'realistic hopes' and a feeling that I'll be able to stay strong for myself, my family and my Sister when she's ready for help. This change towards a more positive attitude was kick-started the day I posted on this forum.
I thank you all.
Lost Sister
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((LostSister)))))
Both my parents were addicts and my 3 siblings are addicts. I know how heart breaking it is to live in active addiction. Everyday life with an addict is traumatic for a child(I know you know this). An addict/alcoholic does not need an excuse to drink and drug.
Some people in trying to express compassion for the A look for what traumatic event made them an A. It is my experience that they can feed on compassion. They do feel sorry for themselves most of the time they will "act out" like a child living in a bad situation. I have tried sitting down with each of my siblings to help them see that no matter what trauma they experienced that they did indeed live thru it I lived thru it too ya know. I think my mom is the key to it all she feels a lot of guilt and my siblings feed on her guilt I think it is terrible the way they suck my poor mom dry. Their addictions are like the steel to my mom's guilt magnet. The more they hurt her the guiltier she feels and the stronger their addictions become.
My mom was very violent when we were young she screamed and hit us a lot. I was different about though than they were. I would start thinking about when I was old enough I would leave and not take her crap anymore. My siblings would emotionally blackmail her even when they were very young she would buy them presents to make up for it. I saw no need to ask for anything from her not even at Christmas which was always her big make up day I would not ask for anything all I could focus on was being old enough to leave.
I think what I am getting at is that many people live thru trauma and do not become alcoholics. Some people use trauma as an excuse. But any old excuse will do if they want to get drunk or stoned. It is our own thinking that gets us where we are.
My sister tells me I "make" her mad. I don't make her mad it is her thinking that makes her mad. If I walk in the door of my mom's house it pushes her buttons. She has buttons in places where other people don't even have places. The one I feel the most for is her autistic son who lives in the continual non stop addictive behavior who is treated like he does not see or know what is going on. He sees everything and acts out all the time one of his teachers finally saw that this is what he was doing and he got so much better when they stopped treating him like he did not see or hear or know what goes on in that house. Everyday he gets closer to unautistic behavior....
Don't look for an excuse for your sister she drinks because she chooses to and she will stop because she chooses to if she does....
Both my parents were addicts and my 3 siblings are addicts. I know how heart breaking it is to live in active addiction. Everyday life with an addict is traumatic for a child(I know you know this). An addict/alcoholic does not need an excuse to drink and drug.
Some people in trying to express compassion for the A look for what traumatic event made them an A. It is my experience that they can feed on compassion. They do feel sorry for themselves most of the time they will "act out" like a child living in a bad situation. I have tried sitting down with each of my siblings to help them see that no matter what trauma they experienced that they did indeed live thru it I lived thru it too ya know. I think my mom is the key to it all she feels a lot of guilt and my siblings feed on her guilt I think it is terrible the way they suck my poor mom dry. Their addictions are like the steel to my mom's guilt magnet. The more they hurt her the guiltier she feels and the stronger their addictions become.
My mom was very violent when we were young she screamed and hit us a lot. I was different about though than they were. I would start thinking about when I was old enough I would leave and not take her crap anymore. My siblings would emotionally blackmail her even when they were very young she would buy them presents to make up for it. I saw no need to ask for anything from her not even at Christmas which was always her big make up day I would not ask for anything all I could focus on was being old enough to leave.
I think what I am getting at is that many people live thru trauma and do not become alcoholics. Some people use trauma as an excuse. But any old excuse will do if they want to get drunk or stoned. It is our own thinking that gets us where we are.
My sister tells me I "make" her mad. I don't make her mad it is her thinking that makes her mad. If I walk in the door of my mom's house it pushes her buttons. She has buttons in places where other people don't even have places. The one I feel the most for is her autistic son who lives in the continual non stop addictive behavior who is treated like he does not see or know what is going on. He sees everything and acts out all the time one of his teachers finally saw that this is what he was doing and he got so much better when they stopped treating him like he did not see or hear or know what goes on in that house. Everyday he gets closer to unautistic behavior....
Don't look for an excuse for your sister she drinks because she chooses to and she will stop because she chooses to if she does....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Dear Splendra, thanks for sharing your story with me. This must have been such a tough situation having so many of your family members turn in to addicts. You sound like a very strong and courageous person, well done you :-) I hope my nephews will be able to take a positive attitude towards their situation as they grow older. I'm sure they can if we follow up on some of the advice given on this forum.
I agree with what you mean about people making excuses to behave a certain way. We choose the way we react to things, some just make very 'different' choices! I have to keep telling myself that neither I, nor my family, should be feeling guilty about my Sister's drinking.
Thanks again.
Lost Sister
I agree with what you mean about people making excuses to behave a certain way. We choose the way we react to things, some just make very 'different' choices! I have to keep telling myself that neither I, nor my family, should be feeling guilty about my Sister's drinking.
Thanks again.
Lost Sister
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Splendra, you always have such a great attitude and great advice! I do, however, have to interject here on the behalf of 'those' that perhaps do not have your fortitude, experience or insight to be as strong or able to look at things in a different and less harmful way.
I speak of my little sister when I refer to 'those.' I grew up in what I perceive as a wonderful, fulfilling, growing and educationally perfunctory childhood. Although my father is, and was then, an alcoholic, he demanded nothing less than the very best from us, was dammmmmmmed determined to get it, had a hard-as-nails approach to being the best, etc., I cannot complain. I am who I am today (and I am proud of who I am, despite my mini-fallback to this codie issue of which I am dealing with right now as it pertains to not only my exabf, but also, as I am discovering, my family) because of the beautiful mix of my mother's kindness and empathy and his discipline. I see it is a blessing, though, so my own issues of codependence are mine and just a minor learning mechanism in my life, despite the hurt and tears that I have shed in its path...
Anyway, my little sister sees our childhood as 'abusive' at the hands of my father. Yes, I was hit at least twice. Yes, the emotional stress that was placed on me and all of my siblings was 'extreme' by most measures. But if you lined up my siblings and their accomplishments, athletic scholarships, amazing abilities, brain power, good looks, confidence, etc., I am sure that rarely has a family been able to dismiss my father's 'perfectionism' and 'demanding' ways as a fault. (Just ask all of my parents' aquaintences...espescially since my father and mother were both from A families, poor, abused, neglected, etc.) I could go on and on...I guess my point is that one's trauma, no matter its significance to you or anyone else, is just what they perceive it to be: their own.
I used to be so dumbfounded by my little sister's insistence that she was 'abused.' But as I grow and understand her side of the coin, I am able to understand that she perceives it that way, and that is not wrong any more than it is right. Nor is right or wrong that I perceive it a modern miracle that we were raised so well, considering the up-bringing of my parents!! My parents broke the cycle of addiction and abuse and neglect (in my eyes, anyway, aside from my dad's alcoholism, which is not nearly as bad as it could have been)!!!
Perception is reality. What I think is good, others think is bad. Every single aspect of anyone's being is based on their, my, your, our, his, her, etc. perception of how things are...
This is what makes us human, and I am here to respect only what others have to say and believe, no matter how much I disagree, no matter how my life was shaped, no matter how anyone's life is going, etc. So, so, so weird, but if we think about it, well, who can argue? You say tow-may-tow, I say tow-mah-tow.
Okay, I am a geek for using that one!!
Although LostSister's sister may use her past trauma as an excuse (which who knows if she has or hasn't, that isn't the point) to drink, we can only be here to listen and offer encouragement and suggestions. Splendra, I agree with what you are saying whole-heartedly. But I can also admit that I was once using the excuse of a past rape to justify my pill-popping years! It may not have been the whole reason, but it certainly was most of the reason I was drowning my sober time with the mind-numbing love of the temporary and dulling effects of pills to drown the nightmares, pain and trauma that I couldn't face as a non-addict for almost two years afterwards!! Pathetic? Yes! But at the time, I was nieve, 25-yrs-old, unaccustomed to dealing with life as an adult without parents, siblings around or coaches to guide me, and it was the only way I saw out of that horrid paralysis of pain.
Whatever her reasons for drinking (there may be none!!), we must insist that she help herself and her kids, if only to be shut out. Codie or not, we must insist that wrongs become right. As humans, we have an obligation to others, and we are just as guilty for crimes that we witness if we stand by and do nothing to solve them. If we are able only to address them or bring them to light to others, that is enough, if our sanity is at stake. No, we should not hurt ourselves and render ourselves unable to help others by falling into the sickness of codependence, but we must at least TRY!
Once again, Splendra, your life and stories are amazing. I find so much amazement that you are so strong. I wish we could bottle up whatever it is that 'saved' you from being like the rest of your family. You remind me of my older sister...I often ask her to try to 'fuse' her soul onto mine so that I can be better at this codie thing, as she is. The thing that sucks is that we can't do that! I admire her, as I do you.
P.S. Splendra, may I PM you? I have some questions to ask you and would love to hear your advice. I am new to this!! My sister doesn't seem to see herself as the amazingly strong, wise person that I believe she is, so I would love to ask your advice, as my sister is unaware of her strengths, as you may be!
LostSister - I promise to get back to your PM, as well, I promise!!
I speak of my little sister when I refer to 'those.' I grew up in what I perceive as a wonderful, fulfilling, growing and educationally perfunctory childhood. Although my father is, and was then, an alcoholic, he demanded nothing less than the very best from us, was dammmmmmmed determined to get it, had a hard-as-nails approach to being the best, etc., I cannot complain. I am who I am today (and I am proud of who I am, despite my mini-fallback to this codie issue of which I am dealing with right now as it pertains to not only my exabf, but also, as I am discovering, my family) because of the beautiful mix of my mother's kindness and empathy and his discipline. I see it is a blessing, though, so my own issues of codependence are mine and just a minor learning mechanism in my life, despite the hurt and tears that I have shed in its path...
Anyway, my little sister sees our childhood as 'abusive' at the hands of my father. Yes, I was hit at least twice. Yes, the emotional stress that was placed on me and all of my siblings was 'extreme' by most measures. But if you lined up my siblings and their accomplishments, athletic scholarships, amazing abilities, brain power, good looks, confidence, etc., I am sure that rarely has a family been able to dismiss my father's 'perfectionism' and 'demanding' ways as a fault. (Just ask all of my parents' aquaintences...espescially since my father and mother were both from A families, poor, abused, neglected, etc.) I could go on and on...I guess my point is that one's trauma, no matter its significance to you or anyone else, is just what they perceive it to be: their own.
I used to be so dumbfounded by my little sister's insistence that she was 'abused.' But as I grow and understand her side of the coin, I am able to understand that she perceives it that way, and that is not wrong any more than it is right. Nor is right or wrong that I perceive it a modern miracle that we were raised so well, considering the up-bringing of my parents!! My parents broke the cycle of addiction and abuse and neglect (in my eyes, anyway, aside from my dad's alcoholism, which is not nearly as bad as it could have been)!!!
Perception is reality. What I think is good, others think is bad. Every single aspect of anyone's being is based on their, my, your, our, his, her, etc. perception of how things are...
This is what makes us human, and I am here to respect only what others have to say and believe, no matter how much I disagree, no matter how my life was shaped, no matter how anyone's life is going, etc. So, so, so weird, but if we think about it, well, who can argue? You say tow-may-tow, I say tow-mah-tow.
Okay, I am a geek for using that one!!Although LostSister's sister may use her past trauma as an excuse (which who knows if she has or hasn't, that isn't the point) to drink, we can only be here to listen and offer encouragement and suggestions. Splendra, I agree with what you are saying whole-heartedly. But I can also admit that I was once using the excuse of a past rape to justify my pill-popping years! It may not have been the whole reason, but it certainly was most of the reason I was drowning my sober time with the mind-numbing love of the temporary and dulling effects of pills to drown the nightmares, pain and trauma that I couldn't face as a non-addict for almost two years afterwards!! Pathetic? Yes! But at the time, I was nieve, 25-yrs-old, unaccustomed to dealing with life as an adult without parents, siblings around or coaches to guide me, and it was the only way I saw out of that horrid paralysis of pain.
Whatever her reasons for drinking (there may be none!!), we must insist that she help herself and her kids, if only to be shut out. Codie or not, we must insist that wrongs become right. As humans, we have an obligation to others, and we are just as guilty for crimes that we witness if we stand by and do nothing to solve them. If we are able only to address them or bring them to light to others, that is enough, if our sanity is at stake. No, we should not hurt ourselves and render ourselves unable to help others by falling into the sickness of codependence, but we must at least TRY!
Once again, Splendra, your life and stories are amazing. I find so much amazement that you are so strong. I wish we could bottle up whatever it is that 'saved' you from being like the rest of your family. You remind me of my older sister...I often ask her to try to 'fuse' her soul onto mine so that I can be better at this codie thing, as she is. The thing that sucks is that we can't do that! I admire her, as I do you.
P.S. Splendra, may I PM you? I have some questions to ask you and would love to hear your advice. I am new to this!! My sister doesn't seem to see herself as the amazingly strong, wise person that I believe she is, so I would love to ask your advice, as my sister is unaware of her strengths, as you may be!
LostSister - I promise to get back to your PM, as well, I promise!!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Thanks ((((LostSister)))) and ((((TryingtoHeal))))) for your replies. Please feel free to PM me. I would do anything help you if I am able.
I am much better at dealing with my family than I am at dealing with my crack addicted H. Right now I am trying very hard to let go of whatever I have to let go of to get my H out of my life. My crack addicted brothers would love to come and kick his butt and make him leave but I feel like I have to do this without their intervention because I do not want them to know about it until it is done and I am gone because if I don't I know they will descend upon me like the flock of vultures that they are. I do not want police intervention. I know I could provoke him into giving me a reason to call them and me have him arrested but I do not want a court date.
I am praying right now that he will find someone else to move in with. I think there are two willing people but he is trying to get his lies straight so that he can sucker whoever into believing that he needs their love. I feel bad for the women that he is looking at but, at this point I am in my own survival mode. If they have the foresight to ask me why I want this intelligent, talented, good looking man out of my life I will tell them why. But I think he is working on snowing them into believing I am an unbearable, and unbelievable B**** that he just has to get away from....whatever. I am sure he will leave out the part about his 30 year drug habit. I may loose all my material possessions in this deal but, I don't care I want to be free. He has made it perfectly clear to me that he has no intention of getting clean. So be it ya know. At least I do not have small children who could possibly be hurt and manipulated by him. His own children may have already written him off.
What really does get to me is that there is always some poor codie waiting in the wings to "help" them and understand their excuses. I am sure you ((((LS)))) are very concerned about your sister I mean who wouldn't be. They say for every addict/alcoholic there are 10 people who's lives are being negatively affected by them or something like that...
I hope you will protect yourself in your trying to find answers. You are not just dealing with your sister you are dealing with a monster that knows how to infiltrate her personality and does not want to give her up.
I am absolutely certain that it is a very good idea to take real good care of yourself and also your parents probably need to hear that too. I really do know how you feel. I have just lost most of the sugar coating that makes it more palatable. Please forgive me if I sound harsh I am not directing at you.
I am much better at dealing with my family than I am at dealing with my crack addicted H. Right now I am trying very hard to let go of whatever I have to let go of to get my H out of my life. My crack addicted brothers would love to come and kick his butt and make him leave but I feel like I have to do this without their intervention because I do not want them to know about it until it is done and I am gone because if I don't I know they will descend upon me like the flock of vultures that they are. I do not want police intervention. I know I could provoke him into giving me a reason to call them and me have him arrested but I do not want a court date.
I am praying right now that he will find someone else to move in with. I think there are two willing people but he is trying to get his lies straight so that he can sucker whoever into believing that he needs their love. I feel bad for the women that he is looking at but, at this point I am in my own survival mode. If they have the foresight to ask me why I want this intelligent, talented, good looking man out of my life I will tell them why. But I think he is working on snowing them into believing I am an unbearable, and unbelievable B**** that he just has to get away from....whatever. I am sure he will leave out the part about his 30 year drug habit. I may loose all my material possessions in this deal but, I don't care I want to be free. He has made it perfectly clear to me that he has no intention of getting clean. So be it ya know. At least I do not have small children who could possibly be hurt and manipulated by him. His own children may have already written him off.
What really does get to me is that there is always some poor codie waiting in the wings to "help" them and understand their excuses. I am sure you ((((LS)))) are very concerned about your sister I mean who wouldn't be. They say for every addict/alcoholic there are 10 people who's lives are being negatively affected by them or something like that...
I hope you will protect yourself in your trying to find answers. You are not just dealing with your sister you are dealing with a monster that knows how to infiltrate her personality and does not want to give her up.
I am absolutely certain that it is a very good idea to take real good care of yourself and also your parents probably need to hear that too. I really do know how you feel. I have just lost most of the sugar coating that makes it more palatable. Please forgive me if I sound harsh I am not directing at you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Philly
Posts: 5
The children are what really matter. The number one concern for us is that they have a safe place to live. If they see their parents being addicted the chances are better that they will be too later on in life.
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