tiredex

Hi all. I left my ex husband 20 years ago,realizing the direction he was headed with his drug and alchohol abuse. I realized a long time ago, that my daughter and I, along with our successful business, wonderful family and friends where not enough to get him to stop him.This had to come from within himself.
His Doctors laid it on the line,when he barely survived 3 years ago, " you drink you die". He did stop drinking for 3 years, really thought he kicked it, no such luck.There is nothing my daughter or I can do about it.He does not feel he has that serious of a problem,this would be consistant with his inflated ego, which thinks he knows more than the doctors.I see the yellow coloring of his skin,I see death near.My question to you, is how do I help my daughter watch her father (whom she loves dearly), kill himself?I try and explain that it is the illness,it is not that he does not love her or his beautiful 2 year old grandson.I am so sick and tired of this man and the hell he has put us through. I do feel incredible guilt over the hatred I have for this man right now, but I know I must somehow shake these feelings off, and help my girl with the very rocky road ahead.
Advise would be great.

GiveLove

Tiredex,

I know how much pain this must be giving you, but really, unfortunately, your daughter has to see this for herself. She is an adult (it seems?) and is capable of making her own judgments on other people, including her father. You can (and should) support her, you can help her to understand alcoholism, you can help her to know there's nothing she can do, you can give her a shoulder to cry on........but you cannot live this for her. And I'm not sure you would want to; sometimes it's the hardest lessons that are the ones that stick with us for life, and steer us clear of dangerous behaviors of our own. Perhaps there is some higher purpose in her experiencing this.

Congratulations, by the way, on identifying so early on that you didn't want to hitch your wagon to a substance abuser...you have done your daughter a great service just by doing that.

Hugs to you -- I know you want to spare her this, but I (personally) don't think it's possible.

Barbara52

Perhaps your daughter would benefit from AlAnon or counseling to help her understand.

I'm sorry she is going to have to watch this pan out. But sometimes that is just the way it happens.

Kindeyes

Ditto on the Alanon.....and reading! We can't really protect our adult children from their fathers (my 26 year old A son's biological father is a drug/alcohol abuser--I divorced him 24 years ago.) As much as we want to protect them, we can't. We can love them. We can be there for them when they need us but we can't decide what they can and cannot handle.

hugs to you and your daughter as you struggle with this. Keep coming back here. There are a lot of people here who understand the pain that alcoholism causes a family.

tiredex

Thank you Givelove,and all for the words I knew I would see here after my first post.It is obvious,from reading several posts on the board,that I am among those who have walked this road.I did talk to my 32 year old daughter last night about going to an AlAnon meeting.I explained to her what kind of support group it is,and perhaps it could help her with this incredible burden she has carried for her entire life.How frustrating to know I can do nothing to stop the horror ahead for her. I have tried to help her to realise that there is only one person who can change her dad's path, and that is him. But I am sure everyone on this board knows the heart and the head do not always talk to each other.So many Christmas days have been ruined by this man, I do believe he enjoys causing us pain.I normally have my ex over with his daughter and her family for Christmas,but this year I do not think I can stand it.My husband is such a wonderful man, and he has always treated my daughter's dad well.He has invited my ex to share holidays with us,knowing he has no family out here to share holidays with.Not to go into it, but I have had a very difficult year health wise,and just want to be with the ones I love and cherish this Christmas.After having fought a huge battle to save my own life, it is very hard to see another throw their life away. I do not wish to hurt my daughter by not having her father welcome in my home,but I am so tired of this twisted game.I just want the man out of my husband and my life,and to somehow in the process keep my daughter from enduring any more pain.
Guess I want my cake, and eat it too.Thoughts?

Barbara52

It is very likely your daughter will understand your need to have a Christmas without her father present. She loves you also and knows what you've been through as well. Its ok to think of your own needs you know. She can go see her father on her own if she chooses to do so.

Cynay

We all want our cake and eat it too.... Its natural but not realistic.

There is also nothing you can do to shelter your daughter from the pain she is going to have to go through. It is not fair and the only comfort I can offer is my experience.

My mother died of smoking and drinking... I am the Adult Child of an abusive Alcoholic and though I will not say I would wish that on another I can tell you that because of my experiences I have become very strong and I have the ability to help other people when they are in pain... Because I have gone through it first hand... I really do "get it" and from those experiences Im in a position to reach out to others that are in pain. I have over 30 years now in some form of recovery and it has been tough at times... Im most thankful to other women that held me when I cried and was my life line when I did not think I could hold on.... People that had gone through what I have and could really help. Today I help my daughter go through it with her fathers Alcoholism... I also help my sponsees and have been blessed to be able to give back to others when they needed to be held.

There are reasons.... I totally understand having to set boundries for yourself to keep your life peaceful... and I suggest them. In the case of your daughter... maybe try asking her what she needs from you to work through this.

tiredex

Cynay,My daughter and I do have a very open honest relationship, it has been just she and I almost all of her life.I will ask her what she needs from me to help her through this recent melt down . I am only human,so when she answers my question, I hope I can do what she needs.Hugs,love,and listening have always been there for my daugter in her times of need.It has been for her , that I have had any contact what so ever with her father.Guess I have been a fool for years,thinking some how I could keep her family life somewhat normal by keeping her dad as part of our family life.

Cynay

Not foolish... just being a loving Mom. I cant tell you how many things I have done over the years for my daughter that were very hurtful to myself.

I have no doubt that she will not ask you for more then you can give and if she does and you let her know she will correct it.

Hang in there, I have been a single parent of my daughter since she was 2 .. I know how hard it is.

Wascally Wabbit

I think it's a normal reaction to all the abuse we suffer at their hands, and without having a recovery plan of our own. It gets old. It drains every ounce of energy out of us just trying to keep up with them. The longer we have to endure it the more we resent them for it.

But, recovery puts us in a position to stop focusing on them and focus on what is good for our own self.

For me, it was no contact. That was the only way I could stop having to deal with it.
I don't know what to say for your daughter. She will have to make that decison.

I hope things get better for you soon.

tiredex

I would like to let all of you kind and understanding people know what a load has been lifted from my shoulders.
The advise to talk to my daughter was wonderful.We talked, she agrees that I no longer have to try and make nice for her,she is an adult in every way.We will have Christmas celebration together without her father.And dont know why I was suprised, but she is very understanding of just how tired of the situation I am.I have finally been given a higher permission than the courts to finally divorce my ex after 23 years of being "legally" divorced.
My husband just smiled, as if to say, it is about time you got here.He knew it was a decision I had to make,knew I had the strength to make it, and gave me the space to do it.Dang, I did so much better the second time.
My daughter may make the decision(the very very difficult one),to end contact with her father for the sake of her well being.Of course, there is a rough road ahead.As painful as it may be for my girl,I know we are up to what ever the future brings. I will give her space,hugs and a very broad shoulder to lean on.
My heart just aches for the people on this board who have sufferd because of their addictions,or the addictions of the ones they love.How difficult it is to watch a person you care about destroy their lives,and yours as they spiral downwards.In my past, the holidays just were horrible.I wish a better year for all that have suffered.And again, thank you for helping me take the first step,and will pray for all of you.
Will stay in touch.